Riley is thankfully long gone, leaving my brother and me alone to talk in the privacy of our home.
Firstly, I want him to take my robe off because it is mine and I do not want my brother to wear my clothes. Except that is disregarded since there are much more pressing issues to deal with. I don't know if the twins are back from school yet, but neither of my parents are back. Amma has been taking on a lot more daily shifts so that she can sleep during the night like the rest of us human beings.
With it being just the two of us, I think I can sit him down and interrogate him as much as I want. I don't know how to feel about catching my older brother with one of my friend's boyfriend, or rather ex-boyfriend as per Riley's words before he left. Do I have to tell Christian about this?
I do not miss how awkward and tense the atmosphere is and the pregnant silence between us can be broken by a pin drop. Only, I don't have one so the only thing I can rely on is my voice.
"Yang Jin, are you going to answer me?" I ask him, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I need to empty the tank," he rushes out and tries to evade me, but I clutch onto his wrist and pull him back to the sofa.
"Uh-uh. You are not getting out of this one with one of your excuses. You're gonna sit down and talk to me."
So many thoughts are running through my head, bouncing off the walls of my skull. The one which rings the loudest of them all is the fact that my older brother could be gay or bisexual, and I didn't detect it. The second one is that my gaydar is totally off; what the hell? The third one is that Riley might end up being my… brother-in-law. To prevent myself from throwing up at the thought, I swallow a painful gulp past the lump in my throat.
The one thought which stands out the most, though, is the fact that I need a granola bar really bad. It has been a tough two and a half months all in all. I cannot wait to write my finals and be over and done with high school. I want to be done with my fight with Taylor. I want to be done with the awkwardness with Edward. I want to be done with Dominic.
"What's going on?" I ask him, placing an encouraging hand on his shoulder so that he can look at me and I put as much softness in my gaze to stop him from being so stiff under my hold. "You know I'm not gonna judge you, right? If you're into guys, then you would know that I'm okay with it. Even if you did lie to all of us and say that you're completely straight. Weren't you dating Anna… or are you bisexual? I am just really confused right now."
He opens his mouth hesitantly and when I prompt him with my encouraging eyes, he remains quiet for the first few seconds before he clears his throat, anxiously flickering his eyes up to meet mine. He takes a deep breath into his chest and then lets it out slowly to find the will to finish his statement.
"I don't know, Seong Jin. I guess I like who I like. I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to. I don't think I should put a label or define my sexuality in any way. Riley is the second guy I have been with."
My eyebrows arch up, caught off guard by his confession. "Second?" With his gaze wavering still, his head bobs up and down slowly. So he has known for a while now.
"We bumped into each other at the grocery store and then we just kept meeting in weird places. You remember the party you sneaked out to?"
"Yeah."
"An old friend of mine invited me to it; I went there too."
"What? Are you insane? So you left Chu Hua and Ji Ho all on their own? Are you stupid or something? What if something bad happened to them?"
"Of course, I didn't leave them all on their own, Seong Jin. I dropped them off at Edward's before going there," he explains, and I am snapped out of my panicking state. "Anyway, at the party, I happened to run into him and he was there with some geeky guy."
"Christian," I correct him.
"Yeah, him. They seemed to be in an argument of some sort and the geeky guy—"
"Christian."
"Shut up, Seong Jin. I won't finish if you keep cutting me off."
"His name is Christian, Yang Jin. Not geeky guy."
"Okay, Christian stormed away, looking pissed off and I approached Riley. We talked for a while and he's going through some rough things."
"His dad."
"Yeah, how did you know? Did he tell you?"
"We were once… friends, I guess." He arches an eyebrow questioningly, but I don't feel like taking a trip down memory lane and explaining to him that he and I were friends in the eighth grade and the ninth grade, a bit of the tenth grade too. "It does not matter. Carry on with your story."
"Okay, well then afterwards I offered to take him home, but he didn't want to for obvious reasons."
"And?"
"I suggested we get hammered to help him forget."
"And?"
He's hesitant to answer. "And I guess one thing led to another and we… ended up sleeping with each other."
"So, he did cheat on Christian?" I shake my head disappointingly before my face sets in an expression of repulsion at the thought of my brother and Riley... together. "With you."
"Come on, give him a break, Seong Jin. He was drunk."
"That doesn't make it any better." I stare at him scathingly for even attempting to justify their little fling.
How do I even tell Christian about this? Does he even know that his then-boyfriend cheated on him? Do I have to tell him? They have both put me in a very tight spot by doing this with each other. Especially Riley. He knows that Christian and I are friends now. Why would he choose to cheat on him with my older brother of all people? Couldn't he pick someone else?
When I realise that my deathly stare is making Yang Jin shift around on the sofa uncomfortably, I avert my gaze away and a swift exhale simmers my anger. "No wonder Christian broke up with him," I mutter under my breath.
"He broke up with him before he slept with me. At the party when they were having that argument. I'm pretty sure they broke up then."
"Well, maybe it's a good thing, 'cause two minutes after they break up what does he do?" I ask, rhetorically and he opens his mouth as if to answer me, but I cut him off before he can steal my thunder, "Sleep with some random guy he barely knows."
"Okay, first of all, I'm not just some random guy. We've bumped into each other before, remember? It's not like he doesn't know who I am. I don't just sleep with people I haven't had conversations with."
"Who else knows that you're… pansexual, I guess?"
"Chu Hua."
"What?"
"And Ji Ho."
"What?" So, he trusts our younger siblings, but he does not trust me? How come the twins kept this from me? Did he tell them not to tell me? How did he manage that? Hmm... he probably made them pinkie promise. We, as siblings, have agreed to never break a pinkie promise. "Why would you tell them and not me?"
"'Cause I thought you were gonna judge me for… I don't know… liking guys too. Maybe even hate me. I don't know, Seong Jin. You tend to be unknowingly judgemental, and this was something that I probably wouldn't have had the will to forgive you for if you had judged me."
I frown sadly.
Is that what he thinks of me? That I'm someone who judges people based on who they like? I have never given him any reason to think that I'm opposed to him being with a guy. How can I be? I'm gay for crying out loud. That would be so hypocritical of me to hate him for that. Also, I was raised by two, amazing people who instilled in me what needed to be instilled in me and one of those things is not to judge a person based on who they are attracted to.
"Also, Chu Hua is kinda my favourite sibling. We tell each other everything. No offence."
"All of the offence taken."
Indignantly, I grab the bowl of popcorn and place it on my lap, changing the channel to something which contains comedy.
I can feel his eyes puncturing the side of my head, but I focus on finding a show that we can watch to pass the time. At precisely six o'clock I have to head over to my room and start with my homework and study for the upcoming tests. The routine that I have been following has been deterred by this shocking revelation about my brother and I don't know whether I should be thankful to him for this or if I should linger on the fact that my brother does not trust me.
Finding The Big Bang Theory, I throw an arm over his shoulder, smiling up at him brightly when he blinks in disbelief.
"You don't… hate me?"
"Oh, no. I do." A hateful glare replaces my expression and I purse my lips grimly when uncertainty and despair run through his eyes. "That's why I was smiling at you just two seconds ago."
He perks up.
"Of course, I don't hate you, hyeong. You are still the Yang Jin Lee who is going to play wrestling with me, watch American Dad with me, fart in my face and then run away. Although I wish you'd stop doing that last one. Your farts are rancid. I think your digestive system is trying to tell you something. But anyway, that's not going to change now all of a sudden just, because of your sexuality. I still love you the same."
A small smile tugs onto his lips and he abruptly pulls me into his chest, the tension leaving his body and reprieve being the only thing remaining. After my shock has been wiped away, I tentatively hug him back. At the end of the day, I can understand his fear of not being accepted by me. I went through the same thing, so I will not hold that against him. As I have said, he took the grudge-holding, take revenge on people gene.
I certainly wish to have found out differently, but what can I say? It has been a weird couple of months throughout. I let him embrace me for a few seconds until I break out of his tight hold and punch his arm.
"Okay, let's stop it with the mushy stuff now," I snap playfully, resting my head on the sofa again and to untangle the knots in my back, I stretch my arms above my head. "We're men and men don't hug and talk about their feelings. They watch The Big Bang Theory."
"Namdongsaeng, baboya."
That word, stupid, makes me think back to the number of times that Dominic has called me that. A little grin spirals onto my lips when I recall that I cannot even count the number of times he has called me an idiot. Not even on my fingers and toes. It surpasses that. Then I think of how he betrayed me, basically ripped all the little trust I had in him, and the smile gets replaced with a frown. I should have known that he would always be a douche.
You know what though? Maybe I deserve this, maybe I deserve to be exposed. I probably deserve something equivalent to hell. I mean, who crushes on their best friend's boyfriend anyway?
I'm brought out of my thoughts when Chu Hua shoves her way between us, resting her legs on Yang Jin's lap and her head on mine after removing the bowl of popcorn and resting it on her stomach, giving me a cute, toothy grin.
"I told him to tell you eons ago, but he wouldn't listen to me; said I was too much of a baby to understand."
"Well, you are still a baby, Chu Hua," I reply, tickling her sides and causing an uncontrollable giggle out of her mouth as she tries to squirm away from me.
Luckily, Yang Jin picks up the bowl of popcorn before it falls and spills on the carpet. Amma would scold our ears off.
After she's had enough, I stop and chuckle lightly. "But for a baby, you're very smart."
"I'm not a baby. I'm eleven, for Pete's sake."
"Hey, I haven't seen Taylor in a long time. Did something happen between the two of you?"
I just look at Yang Jin, wondering why he would ask me that all of a sudden. Taylor does not even frequently visit us. Amma always says that she doesn't want her around, and says that she might be a bad influence. Taylor merely pops in after a couple of months when she isn't at home. Franklin doesn't mind; he loves her edginess.
I would understand why he's asking me that if it was the summer holidays. She visits a lot during those times.
He grimaces when he sees my suspicious gaze and tells me the truth this time around. "Riley told me about the YouTube channel and the love letters going viral."
"That son of a bitch," I curse, glowering at the television which hasn't even done anything wrong.
"Bad word," Chu Hua chastises, pinching me on the thigh lightly. "You have to put a quid in the swear jar."
"Wait, are you and Riley dating or something, because that would be weird and, dare I add, i-lle-gal? Is he not still a minor? You could go to prison for that."
"No, we're not dating," he disputes. "We're just having some fun."
"Barf," Chu Hua deadpan.
"Also, he is eighteen. What the hell do you take me for?"
"He's eighteen in a couple of days," I inform him and the surprise that stains his face almost makes me laugh at him. "There is no way you didn't know."
"I didn't know," he responds in exasperation, rubbing a hand across his face in frustration.
"Are you looking to pursue something with him?"
"I'm not a relationship type of guy, Seong Jin and he has his eyes dead set on that geek from your school. That Christian boy."
"Then what's he doing sleeping around with you?" I frown.
He shrugs unknowingly. "Maybe it's 'cause I'm hot?"
I stare at him dryly.
"So, he's not going to be our brother-in-law?" Chu Hua asks, also crunching some popcorn in her mouth.
"No, of course not," he answers, shaking his head adamantly.
I breathe a sigh of relief when he says that with conviction and Chu Hua seems to be put at ease too. It's good that she does not want Riley for our brother. Not because he's a boy and we've only ever seen him with Anna, but because… he's Riley. Can you imagine how awkward the dinners would be?
He would say something like, remember how back in the eighth grade we used to be friends and I would reply with something like, yeah, I also remember threatening to break your arm off if you kept bullying me.
Besides, he needs to make up with Christian. They are my last hope… that love still exists in this world.
"If he's still seventeen," Yang Jin adds sensibly and I send him a proud look, "Let's wait until he's eighteen for me to finally marry him."
My face drops, and he chuckles at my no-nonsense expression. "Yang Jin, that's not funny."
Fisting some of the popcorn into his mouth, he leans back into the sofa, watching the show. The laugh soundtrack rings into the room.
That is when we hear some scuffle behind us and both of us throw our heads over our shoulders. Chu Hua perks up too. Like a deer caught in headlights, Ji Ho stands at the bottom of the staircase. His fingers nervously tug on the end of his shirt and his toe drills a puncture into the floorboard. Why does he look like he has been caught with his hand down the cookie jar?
"I wasn't eavesdropping. I swear," he signs panicky.
"It's okay, Ji Ho," I assure him with a soft smile, amused at his bashful behaviour. He was eavesdropping though. "Come here."
He does, sitting down on the armrest. Chu Hua resumes her previous spot on my lap.
"Is Taylor mad at you for crushing on her boyfriend?"
I lift a shoulder. "Wouldn't you?"
"Amma would disown you the moment she hears about this," my sister tells me with an evil cackle, and I glower at her in a way which says that she shouldn't even think about telling her. "I mean, you know how serious she is about the girl code."
See? Even Chu Hua knows about the girl code and she's only eleven.
"I've tried apologising to her, but she's ignoring me. I don't know." I run a hand through my locks in frustration and exhaustion. "I just can't wait for the summer holidays so I can be over senior year."
"Well, good luck with the next six months of senior year." I pull a face down at her when she retorts in a snarky tone. She sticks out her tongue playfully.
"I don't think you should give up on a childhood friendship so quickly. I mean, in all fairness, you liked Edward way before she did. It's not like you can automatically shut those feelings off."
"It was still wrong."
"Does she know that you liked him first?" he asks, raising an eyebrow in question.
"What does it matter? She doesn't even wanna talk to me."
"Try harder. Don't give up on her. You two have been friends ever since you were shitting and pissing in diapers. That's years of happiness and trust gone down the drain just like that?"
I give him a weird sideways glance. "Taylor and I met in reception school. I think we had both outgrown diapers at the time."
He smirks in hilarity. "That's what you think."
He and Chu Hua burst out into loud guffaws, and I roll my eyes, shoving him playfully in the shoulder and flicking her on the forehead. Ji Ho signs something too fast for me to catch so I quickly pull him into an embrace. He sinks into it willingly. He is the good brother. My other two siblings are evil. Even as that may be, a satisfied smile twitches onto my lips as they carry on laughing at my expense. Ji Ho giggles quietly and it reminds me of how he will always be my warmth. All of them.
I love my siblings.