TW: Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, Bullying, Derogatory language
Ever since I was born, I was like a shadow to my twin brother Matthew. I knew I wasn't important from very early on in life. People just liked him a lot more than me, just because I don't like talking and expressing myself much. Ever since I could remember, Matt has been loved ten times more than me by everyone. His accomplishments always seemed to overshadow mine, even though I accomplished more. He was always a lot more popular and outgoing than I was, being the center of attention. He was just more loved and blessed more than I was.
Any friend I worked my hardest to make dropped me for him as soon as Matt gave them any little attention. If I had a girl that was interested in me, they'd stop trying with me after a day to try and chase Matt instead. If our parents had their attention on me for even a second, Matt would somehow regain and hold their undivided attention. It's so bad now that I don't even ask my parents or extended family to acknowledge me anymore, and they haven't since. I'm honestly surprised there's even still a place for me at the dinner table and my parents haven't forgotten me completely.
Our birthday is always taken over by him, seeing as we only do what he wants every year. Last year, our parents forgot to even inform me about the plans, so I stayed home sleeping while they went to a nice dinner reservation at a restaurant I told them I wanted to go to. Our graduations were all about what he wanted to do, holidays are all about him and his gifts, our shared moments were all spent celebrating Matt. If Matt wants to go somewhere, we go and have to stay the entire time without complaints. If I wanted to go somewhere, it gets put on the back burner because of all Matt's wants and needs. At the end of the day, all I've become is a living ghost at home.
I think it's been a few months since I've even spoken a word to my parents, not that they've ever noticed. Sometimes I wonder if they forgot that they had twins.
"Which one is he?" some girl whispered loudly.
"That's Kyle, not Matt. I've tried to speak to him before, but the guy's so depressing," another said.
"They're completely different for twins."
"If only Kyle was more like Matt."
School was pretty much like this every day, and at some point, I became numb to it all. I had accepted that until graduation, I'd never be as important or liked as him, so I just had to rough out this last year and I'd be free. I had a plan and money saved to rent at least a shitty apartment, as long as it was far from my own home.
After all, no one here wanted to be around the gloomy loser twin, Kyle Bennington.
Five out of seven days of the week, I woke up for school and immediately weighed the pros and cons of skipping school and just ending it all. Mostly, I was staying alive and going through the motions because I didn't know a more suitable way to end myself. I didn't know anyone who could or would sell me a gun. Pills failed more often than not and would only induce vomiting. Wrecking my parents' car just seemed like a dick move. Hanging looked painful, opening a vein seemed messy, and so did lying on the train tracks. Throwing myself off a cliff and letting the ocean take me would've been my best option had I not been so scared of heights that I got vertigo and collapsed every time I approached the cliff's edge.
I'd tried enough times to know that for sure.
"HEY FREAK!" Right on cue, I was shoved to the ground by Paul Ruby. He usually led the bullies while maintaining a position as my twin brother's best friend. He was shaking and glaring down at me like I had thrown an egg at him. Today he looked pissed off rather than smug, so it meant that I was going to really get it from him. "ANSWER ME!" He spat with murderous intent, fists balled at his side ready to lash out. "Open your fat fucking mouth and speak!" He kicked me in the stomach when I declined to speak, flinch, or cower away from him. "You fucking retard!"
As usual, I said absolutely nothing. I didn't even look around at the crowd forming. No one would help me. I just had to take the daily dose of sadism and Paul would be on his way, right?
However, today, it seemed he wanted to escalate the situation further. Paul fell upon me like a whirlwind, slamming down his full body weight with a barrage of heavy fists.
I curled up into a ball, instinctively covering up my head—but not fast enough to avoid a split lip, a black eye, and what I know feels like a concussion. I felt a sharp pain going up my down my arm and wrist and side. While I struggled past the pain, I realized that maybe this was my way out.
Though I didn't want to give him the satisfaction, I accepted my fate. Actually, it was a tidy and convenient solution to my problem. I hadn't provoked a confrontation but also couldn't be bothered to defend myself... would the fact I'm letting myself get beat up get noticed?
Maybe the whole scenario was slightly poetic in a sense.
Suddenly everything stopped with the school bell ringing signaling the start of class. Everyone dispersed from around me like nothing had happened as usual, including Paul.
Fuck.
I got up slowly, working through the pain, and went straight to the bathroom to clean myself up. Paul can sure pack a punch.
The more I think about it, the more I can't help but notice that if I had just answered the oaf, I wouldn't have gotten beaten up like that. I brought this pain all on myself.
I entered the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I stared at my reflection, taking in the bleak features that made me feel like a stranger to myself. My black hair, disheveled and unruly, framed my face, making the split lip and black eye stand out even more like badges of dishonor, each one telling a story I wished I could erase but would probably be etched into my brain forever. My green eyes, bruised and swollen, were full of loathing as I took in every detail of my face. The delicate lines and soft curves that almost blurred the lines of gender made me feel disconnected, lost.
This wasn't me. This couldn't be me. The person in the mirror was an infinite reminder of everything I hated, every insecurity magnified a thousand times. I reached up to touch my swollen lip. Why couldn't I be someone else? Anyone else. The reflection stared back, unyielding, and I felt a wave of anger and sadness wash over me. I hated what I saw, but more than that, I hated that I couldn't change it.
Why wasn't I Matt?
Why couldn't I be Matt?
I could feel my tears finally start to spill over, and I had to look away from myself. At least I was able to hold it in until I was alone. I may have brought this on myself, but just half a year more and I'll be free. I just have to hold it in for half a year more!
I checked my phone as it buzzed with a text from my father in the family group chat. The news was that we were all going out to eat Italian food tonight because he and Matt just had to have us try this restaurant they found and a reservation has already been made. I guess it meant he completely forgot that he promised to help me put together my college portfolio tonight since it was his rare day off.
But of course, he'd want to spend it with his golden son. Really, I should've known better than to hold out hope that he'd follow through on a promise to me this one time.
I wasn't important enough for that.
I heard a sound come from the stall behind me as I washed my face, so I quickly grabbed a napkin and ran out of the bathroom to head to class.
I almost got caught showing how I really felt.
"Matthew, I—oh, it's the other one," the math teacher, Mrs Thompson said, lifting her lip. Had things gotten so bad that my teacher doesn't know my name still? Has it really become Matt and the other one? Did she really have to look at me like I was a piece of crap? "Well, no matter, bring this to the student council office for me. It's important stuff."
"Sure," I sighed and took the stack of printouts from her. For a second, the math teacher didn't let it go and just stared at me. Was she going to ask about my face? "What?"
"You really aren't friendly. If you smiled a bit more, you could be more like Matthew," she said.
Of course.
I hear that at least once a day from the other students, but I didn't think the teachers thought so as well. Did all my teachers secretly wish I was Matt behind my back? Was helping her with what she asked not a friendly thing to do? I don't cause trouble for anyone, I have the best grades in the entire school, and I always do as I'm told by authority figures, but it's still not enough from me. "Is that all, ma'am?"
The math teacher shook her head and walked off, leaving me to stew in my miserable feelings of self-pity. I wasn't aware if I was actually nice or not, but nothing I can think of warranted a comment like that. I am me and Matt is Matt! Why couldn't everyone see that already?! Why did I have to be like him?! Why couldn't I just be me?
Was I not allowed to exist?
After dropping off the papers and getting a few more uncomfortable stares from people, I caught a glimpse of my crush of two years.
Anna Knowles, the only one who saw me for me and didn't compare me to Matthew! She was nice to me no matter what! She's the reason I put off my plans to harm myself. My one and only saving grace! The only one other than me who can see that Matt is nothing but a—
"—should I do? I'm so tired of pretending already! I was only getting along with Kyle for your sake, Matt! I'm getting physically sick now that I know he has a crush on me!" she snapped loudly. "The other girls are really teasing me because I keep being nice to that loser. You said one more month of this and I can finally have a date with you! It's been two years now!"
"I didn't know you doing me this favor was such a burden," Matt consoled her. So Matt had to bribe people to be nice to me now? Every smile and conversation was not because of me, but because of Matt? She was never really on my side this whole time? "You don't have to endure it anymore."
"Thank god! I know you guys are twins but I wish he was at least a bit like you, it would at least make him more tolerable."
"Anna, we're different people entirely."
"He's just so gloomy, and it bums me the hell out. Why are you two so different?"
"That isn't very nice, you know. He is still my brother."
"Like you care," Anna chuckled.
I heard nothing but loud kissing sounds prompting me to walk away just feeling like I wanted to cry myself into oblivion.
No! I deserved this! How stupid could I be so stupid as to think someone actually liked being around me at all? Of course, it was because of Matt. How could I actually believe someone was interested in me, even for a second without interference from Matt? How could I not expect her to also go for the option everyone thinks is better? How could I not expect her to abandon me like everyone else has?
I was not Matt and I never would be.