I still do not know what to do..
I'm in my kitchen, having a glass of warm water as I rethinking of the decision I've made.
After I gave him my oversized t-shirt and a large size pajama, he discussed if I am okay with sharing bed instead.
The fuck I agreed.
For him to have his peace of mind while I play with mine in chaos.
Gulping water, I cannot place my mind in peace.
I searched for my sleeping pills and have it.
My chest is pounding. I can't seem to sleep tonight.
Especially when he is next to the bed. Even if we both dislike each other, how can I be sure that we will just sleep and let this night pass?
"Are you not going to sleep? I'm kinda sleepy." I heard him say.
I made my head look at the opposite side of my kitchen sink and found him.
Standing, with a messy red hair, sleepy eyes and pursed lips. Holding his blanket.
I can't! He looks so innocent!
"I'm... I'm... I remember I have to make cover letter tonight... I might be late but you can... You can sleep now," I said, almost stuttering.
I gulped. It feels like there's something hard in my throat that I can't swallow easily.
"Okay."
He plainly said as he stepped back to room.
I was stunned after I put the glass in the sink.
I thought he would force me to sleep with him at the same time. But the opposite happened.
And that's good! really!
I can feel the heat all over my face that extends to my muscles!
Next to the bedroom is my small office. where I would have gone—if I hadn't met his eyes.
for a million times, I was stunned. I almost didn't know what to say when I saw him again back in the kitchen.
"Do you have a beer there?"
he asked without emotion while holding the cigarette in his finger and the cigarette lighter.
"Cox, don't drink now. You must rest instead." I said even though I wasn't sure.
—wasn't sure of this man and how this night would turns out.
His brows arched. Stepping towards my direction as he looked at me intently.
It seems that every step he takes makes my heart stop beating.
As he approached, I couldn't help but to step back due to his strong aura.
shit. shit. shit!
I hope my mind were wrong!
"C-Cox... w-what are you doing?" I asked trembling.
But even though there was a tremor in my tone, I chose to ask with a strong voice.
He was still looking at me with no emotion.
I can't even guess his intentions from his eyes.
"C-Cy..." I tremblingly said.
"Step aside, I'm gonna check your fridge."
"H-huh?"
"I'm asking you if you have a beer there and you just stae at me so I'm gonna check it myself then." He said, straightforwardly.
Only then did I understand.
"Cox, there's only Smirnoff in the fridge because I couldn't shop at the supermarket earlier,"
"Is that good?"
"huh? I mean... it tastes okay, it's delicious just like others..."
"Let me have two then."
"But you're drunk... right?" I will ask.
I could see the surprise in his eyes when he opened the refrigerator.
"Don't you have food? Like something crunchy?"
"Cox, I've been saying for a while that I haven't been able to re-stock foods earlier,"
"Uh, that makes sense that you're skinny." He commented.
Getting his drink off the fridge, he stopped walking and stood with his back in front of me.
"Aren't... Aren't your mom going to be mad if she'll see me drinking in your place and..."
He turned his head and I saw his face.
"My mom?" I asked out of mind.
She...
"I guess silence means no sometimes. I'm gonna have this anyway."
He said and was about to step another step when he stopped again
"You look bothered." He said.
It caused me to look down on my feet.
"I-I'm not... I'm just..."
"I'll be waiting for you until you finish your CL, then we could sleep."
I was shocked. I had a hard time to speak.
---
I finished my letter, earlier than I expected I will tonight.
It's been my habit to drink a glass of warm milk before I sleep at night but then, I find it hard to got to the kitchen when I sight him in the sink.
He was sitting on it.
The cabinet above him was quite low so his head was leaning on it.
I was sure that he doesn't notice me until now.
Which I found it best time to ditch the moment and just disappear back to my room.
But my feet isn't working, I was still standing right at the corner of the door of my kitchen.
And I stare, stuck staring at him while he gradually lifted his arm with a hand of cigarette stick lit up in his mouth.
He looks so deep, staring at nothingness as he continue smoking with a bottle of beer in his other hand.
He lifted it too. Drinking his beer and then another cigarette stick coming from his side.
On the right side of my kitchen sink is a small window that allows the wind to openly come in and out.
That blows his messy red hair.
He lifted his both arms, trying to lit up the new cigarette stick he got.
"Cox..." I unconsciously mouthed.
His sharp gazes turned to me.
And it soon change to blurry emotionless eyes.
He was stuck, while his hand were both still in front of his mouth.
I step forward. He straightened his back.
"I'm just about to get milk..." I say as I continue walking towards his direction.
I immediately took my glass and the jar of milk along with the thermos from his other side.
I tried not to look at him because I knew that I would be distracted if I did.
But I did seem to be played by fate.
I might be successful of not looking at him but his cigarette's smoke makes me cough in an instant.
That made him to clear his throat.
"Cycy, you used to hate that." I unknowingly said.
It made his eyes to look at mine.
"You hate it?"
He asked, coldly as he always sounded like.
I cannot speak nor to make a word enter my brain as his eyes were penetrated by the kitchen light.
Revealing his galaxies beneath his pupil.
the surroundings are quiet.
I can't hear a single sound.
Apart from the beat of my heart which was getting stronger every second and the noise created by the hands of the clock on his watch he's wearing.
He was still sitting on the dry and wide kitchen sink while I was standing by his side with a ruler at a distance from him.
With our eyes stuck in between choosing to stay or to withdraw the stare.
With a little shake on my knees.
I can't see nobody else, I can't see anything but him.
There's a sparks in my heart and it feels like the feelings I have when I was in elementary when I first bumped into him at the hallway.
It haunts me. It still haunts me now.
There's a fire between the our energy, and he feels cold to me.
THE COLD I'D RATHER CHOOSE TO STAY than to leave.
I said it once. But I once tried to get rid of it, but how come when I'm sure that he's nothing to me then the universe will sent him to my life again for the second time?
For a hundred times of trying to get rid of my feelings, equals one try of his showing and then it resulted to questions.
Questions I never ask someone about it.
"It's fine. It's just a protocol here to not smoke,"
"I smoke when I'm thinking." He said
"It helps me to calm." He added.
He opened the faucet and then after, he immediately soaked the cigarette stick in his hand as he put it down.
"Cy," I called him. "Does your lover knows it?"