I feel so dumb. Nothing immediately came to my mind after I heard that from her.
With her eyes painted with a beautiful hue, confusion began to envelope those gazes.
And I really felt like I didn't have any strength to speak a word.
I had a lot to say, I had a lot to explain, if ever she will give me a chance to explain everything, I'm gonna grab the chance.
But how can I make it?
If staring to the mirror of her soul feels undeniably scary.
Like I thought, every word of mine will be so wrongful if she'll hear it.
I'm so scared.
Why did I suddenly felt like I was me 15 years before?
Like I am so scared of everything. Like my bravery came to run out.
I can't make it. I know she's my weaknesses.
She's everything I am strong about, but she can also makes me feel weak in my knees.
Just thinking about how Scarlett Athena suddenly thought of that man from my past, like I was strangling by her over and over again.
I know that she cannot do it literally, but her confusion made me so much underground.
I'm afraid Maybe she won't accept my past and everything that happened to me.
All the things I did after she disappeared, all the decisions I made before, all including the relationship with a men just because of needs.
I promised myself that I'll never let other woman to touch me if it's not her.
But the fuck I am needing, every fucking night I have to find someone to use.
And that fucking scares me, it makes me go crazy, it makes me go insanely bad.
How can I tell her everything? It's my decision anyway, I can not blame someone for it.
I swallowed.
I looked away. I should have no face to face her.
"Stop smoking, it'll make you sick." I heard her say.
If only I could, if only I could erase all my past
especially to have a relationship with Sylvan, and everything we did, I'll do it for our fucking sake.
I thought you had died before, Athena.
So I made myself fucking useable for someone else.
From the first time I laid my eyes on you, 17 years ago, I knew that you were someone I'm gonna be head-over-heels about.
The person I'm willing to be under with. If only I never heard a fake news before.
"That's... That's pretty hard." I replied
Now that my voice wanted to break every time that I'm talking to the woman I am secretly hoping to forgive me...
And to accept me if ever I...
"I didn't say that you should quit in one time. You can actually practice it gradually until you can finally quit it." She said calmly
She smiled after it.
And I can't help myself but to look away again.
It's not because I hate to see her smile, but that smile slaps me with the truth.
It's like I'm the one who will destroy her innocent smiles.
"I-I'll t-try... I'll try."
"That's good! I'm looking forward to it, Cox."
I really hate to be called Cox. I really hate 'Cox'. I hate my second name.
I hate it every time I hear it.
But the she called me that name again, if it's not Cycy, then it'll be Cox.
Never the first name but I'd rather choose her first before everything.
Before my Mom and Dad died in a car accident just to save Ethan and Ezekiel, they used to say that I should stop being scared of everything.
That one day, I'll be on the time where in my happiness is one step away from me before I can make it come true and it's just about me who will make that final move.
I guess mom is right.
"It could be a person." I remember she said.
"Cox..."
Her voice caught my attention.
"Ethan emailed me yesterday. I just wanted to inform you since you don't like me talking to your cousin."
And now my Smultronstalle is talking about someone else.
I have to do this. I know it's one step to clear everything.
I almost couldn't sleep thinking about what Ethan was up to.
And is he really interested in Athena?
I hope... I hope he's not.
"Athena." I called her name "Do you like my cousin?" I asked.
But those beautiful eyes just stared at me.
No words came out of her beautiful red painted lips.
I was even more nervous.
"If you like him, I'll let you like him as long as you like. There's nothing I can do about it."
If there was a crown for the best liar, maybe it would be for me.
Athena smiled, a smile as if she was genuinely happy to hear that.
Shit.
"I am not a good reader. I hope you can convert it to words." I say.
But even how much illiterate I am when it comes to reading people's gesture, I hope I can at least hear her say 'no'.
"Ethan is a good man."
"I'll assume it as a yes."
Even I wonder how I can still speak and ask questions.
it's obvious that Athena can easily fall in love with Ethan.
Ethan, however, is really a good man.
I just hate him.
Am I really ready to let them?
I feel more pain. More than a punch of a boxing medalist.
It was like someone's punching me, straight to my stomach.
I should have vomited blood as a result of it.
"I think I'm okay now. I'll get back to my condo."
I said.
Maybe I have no reason to stay here.
That I should leave.
"Cox,"
"Are you really okay?"
you really asked.
You really asked me that. Fuck it. Fuck myself for being a scared shit.
I got down from the sink and was about to step but her hand stopped me.
Her hold speaks a lot. Her hold in my arm speaks shelter.
My Smultronstalle.
"Your body feels hotter than normal temperature. Are you really fine?" She asked me again.
Yeah.
Before I forgot I just got discharged from the hospital a week ago because I scared them.
I felt weak these past days. It's like every attempt of standing up makes me feel dizzy followed by a headache.
I also looked pale.
And yesterday, I looked for my weight only to discovered that I lost five kilos in just three days.
But I don't care.
I really care.
My eyes went down to her hand—and I hope I just don't.
Because she immediately withdrew her hold from my arm and hid it behind her.
"Sorry, I was just worried about you. You look pale."
"Say, do you like Ethan? Do you like him? Are you going to date him if he'll ask you to?" I abruptly said.
"Cy... What are you saying? You should have think of yourself first and not—"
"Just say it. Say it, then we're done."
Done huh?
"Can I at least..."
Am I going to say this? Am I... Am I going to say this?
"Can I... can I at least be your..."
One, two, three...
"Ethan is like a friend to me. A friend from my friend, Bea."
"Be your friend?"
"H-huh?" I asked.
She smiled. "But yes, I'll give Sir Ethan a chance if he'll ask me to."
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