I was lying on the grass at the river bank with Miya doing the same next to me. We were both looking up at the sky while talking. Every now and then Miya would point at a cloud and tell me what she thought that looked like. Many things she said were basically something to eat. If it were a normal girl I would have thought 'Man this girl is just obsessed with food'. But for Miya, I knew it was because she had genuine hunger. Eating was a basic human need that was not being fulfilled satisfactorily for her. I did treat Miya to a nice meal every now and then, but as much as she looked like she was in heaven in those moments, she was disciplined to not to make it into a habit or a routine. And for every meal I bought for Miya, she would buy me something after she got paid for her cleaning work. I knew this was difficult for her so I too became very careful at treating her with something. What she would share with me in return will always be greater than what I could give her in terms of its relative value in each of our lives.
"So, why do you want to die?"
Miya asked me this question for the first time since we've ever met – maybe it was about the time we started to talk about these things and put my suicide plan into motion?
"You've never asked me that before. Does this mean you will also tell me why you tried to kill yourself before too?"
"Not quite. I won't tell you that, but if you tell me why you want to die, I will tell you something else later"
I was intrigued.
"Well, in essence, there was nothing I could do about living my life. I was born without a choice, I just kind of tagged along with what was 'normal' for everyone. I studied like what my parents ordered me to. I go to school like every other kid. I eat, I shit, I sleep. It feels all meaningless and it feels like I'm doing nothing out of my own will. I feel empty inside. There is no passion for anything, no motivation, no plan for the future, and no desire. Then I realized the one thing I can do is to end my own life, by my own choice and action. I could not choose to live, but I could choose to die"
"That's it?"
"Well I could say more, but that's the essence"
"Man, that's lame as fuck"
"I thought you would understand, or at least try to, out of all people", I was a little irritated.
"Basically you are living a normal life, which would be a blessing for some people like me, but not me specifically though as that's not what I want, but you surely know that many people in this world would love to live the normal life you dread now"
"I do understand that yes. But the fact that other people want what I have does not automatically mean I should enjoy what I have, especially if it happened without my choice in the first place"
"Tell me, is this all just philosophical or did something actually happen in your life that made you want to die?"
"You mean like a tragedy?"
"Yeah. After spending some time with you, to me, you don't look depressed. You don't look like you are suffering. You don't look like every day is painful for you. You just look like you have no will to live, which is quite different from wanting to end 'suffering' or leave behind something that is too painful to bear"
"You are right. I could say various things happened that made me lose my will over time, but no, it wasn't a singular event that killed my hope or anything. Heck, I don't even know what I ever hoped for in the first place"
"I think there may lie one of your problems"
"What do you mean?"
"To kill yourself, to actually carry out the act to the extent it is successful, you need a great resolve. Suicide is completely against the natural instinct to live. Any hint of hesitation or uncertainty will lead to failure in your attempted suicide because your body somehow fucks it up at the last minute"
"You may have a point. But you also tried and failed?"
"I'm different. I did what I did correctly. It's just that I was interrupted by other people. I actually carried out my act to the full extent, like cutting my wrist or hanging myself – I fucked up the hanging though I have to admit"
"How?
"I'm too light to instantly break my neck with my own weight by kicking the chair below. I'm too light to be pulled with as much force as, say, a fat person might be, while hanging on the noose, it does not tighten up as much, which results in slower suffocation"
"Right"
"But I did fully intend and commit my act to die back then though, it's just that I was not successful"
"Well, so did I, except that you turned up to pull me down"
"No, you fucked up because you were hesitating"
"How?"
"I saw you. You were standing on the fence for a while, with your arms stretched out. You didn't jump as soon as you could or should have"
"I was just taking in my final sensations"
"Exactly, you wanted it 'just one more last time'. You were not ready to die"
"Isn't it normal though to have one final thought before you snuff your life out though?"
"Yes, and it is in that one final thought your doubt creeps up on your body, maybe even if you don't realize it consciously. It does something to your body which makes it hard to carry out the act fully, like people slitting their wrists not deep enough, taking too long to jump to the point that someone comes to interrupt, etc"
"How can I overcome this doubt then, master? Please enlighten me"
"I will tell you something else"
"You are avoiding my question?"
"No, there is some answer for you in my story"
"Ok, go ahead then"
"Did you ever wonder why I live?"
"Huh?"
"You see that I've tried many times to kill myself, seriously tried. But I have stopped trying, and now I'm doing what I can to continue my life. I have a small job to earn a bit of money, I have one luxury I enjoy in my life which is smoking. I hibernate in my lodge so that I can survive with less food. Surely you know by now that I am actually doing quite a lot to keep my life?"
This caught me by surprise actually. During all this time, although I was looking forward to talking about this stuff with Miya, I have actually not thought about why Miya is going through so much to continue her life – it was almost as if it was totally normal, or let's say natural, for someone to do their best to survive, even against the hardships one has to endure for it every day. This was extremely stupid of me – why did I take it for granted that Miya wanted to live while I was fixated on death myself?
"Sorry, to be really honest I have not thought about that"
"Probably not. That's why you need a mentor like me to show you the ways", Miya answered with a giggle that sounded like 'I knew this all along'.
"Well, tell me then – why do you want to live?"
"In one of my death experiences, I've learned that there was a reason why I didn't die even after attempts that should have worked 100%"
"Are you talking about some destiny?"
"Kind of, like I was destined not to die at that point, no matter what I tried. Some people talk about it like there is a mission in their lives, and vow to live on until they fulfill that mission"
"A 'goal in life' so to say"
"Yes, in some ways. For someone who kills himself in horrible depression, the amount of pain, regret, and sadness will actually help him push over the edge to succeed in suicide. For someone, like you, will need to have that 'I have completed my life' feeling to achieve that, so when you are entering the final act of suicide, you should not have any regret in your heart"
"I don't have any such goals in life though – it's exactly the opposite. I have no will to live or do anything"
"That's what I thought myself before too. But in the very last attempt I tried to kill myself, I learned there was something that needed to be done in my life before I could die"
"So you continued with life since then?"
"Yes"
"And you will want to die again after you complete this 'mission'?"
"Yes"
"What is your goal then?"
"That is a secret you will find out at some point", another one of those Miya giggles.
"You do talk in riddles sometimes, master"