"You know, there is something I have been meaning to say", Miya spoke at one point during our routine clean up of the streets on Tuesday night.
"Yeah?"
"You are such a dick"
"Wha? Where did that come from"
"You are a really selfish dick"
"Well it looks like this selfish dick is helping you with your job now"
"Pfft. I don't need your help for this cleaning work. I had been doing this even before I met you"
Somehow I felt like this wasn't just a joke she was making, so I stopped picking up rubbishes to talk about this properly.
"What's in your mind? Just say it"
"You remember when we made the deal and I became your suicide mentor?"
"Yeah of course"
"You remember our arrangement for the 'tuition fee'?"
"Oh. Yes. I was to write a will that says when I die, all my belongings will go to you – not that I am loaded though"
"Yes, that's right. So you remember. But where is your will?"
"Hey you sound like you can't wait for me to die"
"Dude, the whole point of our arrangement is that you will die in the end. But what pisses me off is that you have not proposed the will before I brought it up today. It's like you owe something to someone, but you are not paying back as soon as you can – instead, you are waiting until the person you owe to bring it up. That's just bad manners"
She did have a point.
"In other words, you are taking it for granted that we spend time together, that you can just hang around for free with no commitment"
Somehow that hurts me somewhere in my heart
"You make it sound like you are hanging out with me just for money"
"Objectively that is the truth. If we did not have our deal for me being your suicide mentor, we would not be doing this together now. Heck, we probably never met again after that day"
"That was then though. How do you feel about it now? Are you still only spending time with me as 'part of the deal'?"
Miya chuckled and answered,
"You sound like a persistent boy who's trying to squeeze out a confession"
"Wha? Confession is like for someone you love, it's nothing like that"
"Let me ask you then – so you don't love me?"
That stumped me for reasons I couldn't understand or explain.
"So? To be more specific, are you doing all this so you can actually learn from me to kill yourself or you are sticking around because you actually want to spend all your time with me?"
I couldn't answer this so easily.
"Let's put it this way – if you indeed end up killing yourself after our 'course', then it basically means you are choosing to spend the last moments of your life with me. Is that what you want? Am I that precious to you?"
"Ok, Miya. Now you are the one who sounds like you are trying to squeeze a confession out of me"
Then we both laughed. It could have been awkward, and although we talked about many things about life and death, we had not actually talked about 'love' before. However, during this conversation, I realized that Miya did have some valid points – as always. I am on a final journey to my death, and Miya is my companion for this journey. Does this mean 'love' in any way?
Then I thought about it and couldn't help but compare what I felt towards Rika before and to Miya now. I always thought Rika was like a flower I found beautiful and loved, but did not want to pluck out and hold in my hand. Miya on the other hand, I have to admit now, was someone I wanted to spend as much time with as possible, and ironically, although she was meant to help me kill myself, these last few weeks I've spent with her have been the best and most enjoyable period of my life.
Some may call that love, some may call that a friendship and some may say this is like a family. Whatever the case, Miya has indeed taken a special place in my soon-to-be-ended life.
"Hey, would you be sad if I died?"
"Sad? I don't know. But I will miss you for sure. I need to keep my part of the deal though and ensure that you kill yourself well"
"Is that so"
"Are you having second thoughts? Like you have more will to live now and you don't want to die anymore?"
"To be honest I'm a little confused now. If I could spend every day with you like this, then I can imagine just keep living"
"Is this where you kneel down and whip out a ring?"
Miya looked into my eyes with a very serious stare, and then couldn't hold back and burst out laughing.
"Haha. I don't know what you are thinking, but we only have one destination. Actually, every living thing has only one destination, and that is death. It's just a matter of how and when you get there"
"I guess you are right Miya", things started to clear up more in my head now and I continued,
"I'm still unsure about when and how, but at least I'm sure that I want to get there with you"
"I will be by your side, and don't worry about when and how, that's exactly what I will teach you and help you decide"
Miya gave me a wink and thumbs up, and we continued to pick up rubbish from the street.