The days leading up to my scheduled suicide were unironically tranquil. There was nothing strange about it as by this point everything felt natural. It is here that I realized that whether this was a deliberate guide from Miya or not, the past months I have spent with her have prepared me for my death as she had promised at the start of her mentorship.
She helped me realize things that I felt, things that drove me, which I did not fully realize or were able to put into words myself before. Wishing to die without fully understanding myself takes the meaning out of suicide, as it will be like murdering someone I don't know, a stranger, rather than ending myself.
What Miya taught me was that death is not a conclusion, just in a way that life is not a conclusion. It is an event within a context, not a consequence of a cause. We are so used to putting linearity into our lives and trying to make sense of things in a logical manner, and when we can't, we assume there is a missing piece in the equation we need to find to make sense of it.
On the contrary, the mundane and benign days I have spent with Miya provided me with a context. To be honest, I've come to enjoy my life with her. Had it been a normal friendship, or even love, with no context of our relationship being under the all-encompassing framework of death, I might have changed and wanted to live on, like a logical progression from being in despair with a deathwish to wanting to live with her as long as possible. That would have been a narrative of a suicidal boy-meets-a-girl, finding solace and living on. But in our relationship there was not to be any such progress, only realizations that made me appreciate things but without changing what would happen. In this life of context, the truth condition is not the reasons linearly preceding a conclusion, but the meaning of an event in the context. There is no narrative development, but only how things feel and what they mean at the moment.
This is how everything made sense. Miya did not give me reasons to live, or reasons to die. She created a life context in which my death would have a meaning that I could be happy with.
When we were walking up the steps to get onto our suicide bridge, not even once did Miya ask if I was sure of my decision, or whether I had any second thoughts. Although she did not say it, I believe she knew that I had learned all that was needed from her. Instead, she reached out and held my hand. Her hand felt cold and the grip was weak. I turned my head to look at her. She had such a wholesome smile on her pale face that it made me feel warm in my heart.
Then we reached the very spot where I tried to jump – and also fell with her – before.
"Hey", Miya finally spoke after all this silence
"Yeah"
"I will make the noose and put it around your neck for you. Consider it as my parting gift to a graduating student"
"Thanks"
"Face the other way. And don't turn back again"
I turned around as she ordered and closed my eyes, concentrating on the feeling of the noose being wrapped around my neck, then realized if I were to follow her order of not turning back again, I have already seen her for the last time
"Miya, can I – "
"No. That's why you fucked up last time. Don't look back. Don't do 'just one last time'"
"But I want to see –"
Then I felt Miya hug me tight from behind.
"Don't look. Feel"
I did as I was told. I closed my eyes and felt her body pressed against mine. Just like her hand before, it felt cold, but she held onto me longer than I expected and I could feel where our bodies were pressing each other was getting warmer.
"Do you feel it?"
"Yes"
"We are exchanging heat. Your heat has entered my body and my heat has entered yours. Soon your body will become cold and after a while I will get colder too. We are only warm at this very moment. Do you like it?"
"Yes. I am happy"
"And?"
Then I felt it. I really felt it.
I felt this sudden pang in my heart.
It hurt.
It really hurt.
"Miya, it hurts"
"I know. It does"
Tears started to run down my cheeks. Then I started sobbing. And it turned into a wail.
Last time I tried to die I also shed tears but I did not know why. This time I was crying because it hurt.
So this is what she meant after all.
She said I would die in bliss, but my heart was in such pain.
And that was the bliss.