It was during lunchtime at school. I was sitting outside on the bench on the far side of the school ground, and as luck would have it, Rika was sitting on a bench on the opposite side of the ground, having lunch outside with her friends. It was very far away, far enough that she would not notice even if I kept my eyes on her.
I went over what Miya said the other day. What if there was something that actually made me want to live – to the extent that I do not want to die until that reason is gone? If I never had a reason in the first place, maybe my resolve would never be strong enough. But if I have a burning reason to live, and that reason is gone, maybe I will be completely prepared to die.
For many, stereotypically, that would be the loss of a loved one. I sat and theorycrafted in my mind as I was watching beautiful Rika across the ground. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be in love and be loved in return. What I felt for Rika was the closest to what I could vaguely call 'love'. I did admire her. A lot. I wanted to see her every day. I felt happy when I saw her. But – do I actually 'want' her? Like in a way that a boy wants a girl, to have a relationship, to embrace, to kiss?
If I were to be honest that wasn't actually the case for me. As I thought before, she was an unattainable pretty flower that I looked at and smiled from afar. I have no wish to plug this flower out and hold it in my hand, and make mine. One essence of 'love' that I hear or read about seems to be that you want the person to be yours, and yours only. I did not feel such desires.
So, if I did not feel such passion for even a girl that comes closest to what I would consider as a perfection, then what else could there possibly be? What more do I want in my life? Actually, what made the tears run down my cheeks the moment before I climbed up the fence on that bridge? I felt no overwhelming sadness or pain, but the tears came out.
Maybe Miya was right. There was something that was not yet complete in my life. Something I did not and do not realize yet. If I find that thing, maybe I can settle the score and be fully content to die – or maybe I will even find a reason to live, as Miya seems to have done.
So, what did you find in your life, Miya?
Then I chuckled to myself as I realized one thing I certainly did want before I die now was to hear her story in full. How ironic.