Since Miya stormed out of my house, she did not come to our meeting place again, not on Sunday, not on Monday, and not on Tuesday. Each time I waited for at least an hour, but she never came. So when it became Tuesday evening, I went to the bridge where we first met, where I was ready to kill myself.
This time though, I wasn't there to leave everything behind, but to meet Miya, to resume something that stopped. Since today was her shift for cleaning I was pretty sure that she would turn up again eventually.
But I waited for some hours and started to feel tired. I leaned my back on the fence and looked up to the night sky. It was cloudy like that day I was about to kill myself. If Miya hadn't stopped me back then, I would be dead and won't be here for sure. Was I glad that I did not die back then? I would be lying to myself if I said no. Since that day, many things happened that I found were worthwhile, maybe not really the reasons and things to live for, but enough for me to say that I'm glad I got to experience them.
These were mostly what I did with Miya, what she told me, and what I was able to tell her. It was not only interesting to see how she lives and hear her thoughts, but be able to talk about what I thought, the thoughts and feelings I have never really discussed with anybody else. In a way you could say Miya was judgmental, as she was always quick to approve or disapprove of what you say, and never afraid to call out what I've said as bullshit or lame. But one thing always consistent was that she would always understand what I meant. She may not agree with it, but she at least understands what made me think or feel in certain ways. And this was a tremendous gift in a way.
I believe most of the people who feel lonely are not unhappy because other people don't agree with them, but it's more because they feel other people simply don't understand them. If you express yourself, someone understands you and then rejects you, at least what you thought and felt was acknowledged. If nobody understands you, it's like your true existence is only real in your own mind, and that brings loneliness that can't be washed away until you find that special someone who understands you.
So three days of not seeing Miya made me realize all this, and now I was standing in the same spot where I was ready to die just some weeks ago, but this time with actual will and wish to live a little longer, at least to the point of seeing Miya again and sorting out what happened in our last time together at my home.
As it was getting late and the light was becoming darker, I finally saw a silhouette emerge on one end of the bridge, which I was certain was Miya. I think she did not see me yet and I did not want to call out her name yet. Maybe she was still pissed off for some reason and would turn back and avoid me.
Miya got close enough to actually see me, I lifted my hand to wave to her in the most casual manner. She didn't see me straight away as she was looking downward with her black hoodie which probably limited her field of vision.
Suddenly I heard a cracking sound, and everything happened so fast. But strangely I was fully sensing each step of the event taking place in a blink of an eye. I felt my body lose balance as the fence I was leaning on gave way, and I was falling backward. This made my body arc back with my face facing directly to the sky and I almost felt like I could count every single cloud and sparse light of stars in this moment. The falling sensation was now really taking hold of my body and I felt a surge of fear rushing through my bones. In that split second, although I didn't want to admit it, I realized I certainly didn't want to die at that particular moment – not now, not this way, but god, I was going to die. I looked forward to my death when I was planning suicide, but I realized having your life snuffed out when you didn't want it to end is as horrible a feeling as, or worse than, being forced to live the life you don't want.
Just as this time-stop-like moment was ending and everything seemed to go back to the normal speed of time flow, I saw Miya's face right in front of mine – how? I am now on my way down to hit the ground?
Then I felt her arms embrace me around my back. I wasn't hallucinating. She was physically there, meaning, she was falling together with me and was hugging me in this final moment of my life.
Gees, Miya, you didn't have to do this, and I hope you don't get hurt because of me, but thank you. I am grateful I could be understood and embraced before I die.