"So.. where do you live? Do you... go to school?"
"Huh? You hitting on me?"
Bitch, please. I now have a bit of sympathy but no way...
"No no no. Just thought, and realized, that you may be, erm, how do I say..."
"Poor as fuck?"
"Well, I wouldn't express it in that kinda harsh way..."
"Haha. It's okay. Yeah, I'm poor as fuck. I called you 'cause I had no money and was starving, and realized I could get you to buy me a meal as you owe me your life."
"Look, I said before, I don't owe my life to you."
"But you would be dead now if not for me? No?"
"Yes."
"Do you still want to die?"
I gave it a quick thought again, but this was not something I wanted to discuss with this girl.
"None of your business. Forget about that."
"Well, I was asking because I have an idea."
"And your idea is?"
"You could give me all your money now and go kill yourself. Because you won't need money in hell right?"
"Jesus Christ. That's not a nice thing to say is it."
"Yeah but you were ready to kill yourself, and it would be a waste if you just died like that. At least you can help out poor little me before you turn into a lump of meat splattered on the concrete for some poor fuck, like myself, to scrape off."
"Death is a serious matter."
"Yeah, and so is life. You die as you want and I get to live a better life. Isn't that splendid?"
"You really don't care if I die, don't you?"
"Why would I?" The way she said it sounded so genuine and innocent, to the point it really felt like she wouldn't bat an eye if I died right now in front of her.
"Well, I guess you have no reason to."
"Yeah. But I guess some people might care, like if you have a family for example."
"No. I'm pretty sure they won't care. They will be naturally sad for a while, but will move on with their lives."
"Yup. That's how it works. People die, but life goes on – for others."
This talk kind of made me curious, more than depressed, for some reason I did not realize then.
"Do you really think suicide is okay? You sound like you are not judgmental at all."
"People should do whatever they want with their lives, including how they end it."
"Wow. Actually, that's exactly what I have been thinking."
"But you are doing it wrong though."
Eh?
"What do you mean?"
"The way you were going to kill yourself, by jumping off a bridge."
"What was wrong with that?"
"First of all, although that bridge is high, it's not high enough to guarantee a death. You could help it somewhat by landing head first, but then as I said, that would crack your skull and splatter your goos all over the place which would be troublesome for people like me. And then there is also a question of what if you get seriously injured and don't die. At worst you could be paralyzed and lay in bed for the rest of your long life, not being able to do anything, including killing yourself."
"That kind of makes sense, although I am quite confident that I could kill myself from that bridge."
"No, I bet you there is a good chance you can't."
"How do you know?"
"I tried myself."
Oh.
"What..?! Really?"
"Yeah, like last year."
"Wow.. and you survived? You don't even look like you have any injuries from back then?"
"Well, my back still hurts a bit and feels weaker, so when I fall like the last time you landed on me it hurts more than it would for normal people."
"Sorry about that."
"Nah. I'm glad I saved you."
"…why?"
"Because otherwise I would not have had the burgers and be eating the ice cream right now."
"You are hopeless."
She let out a short chuckle and continued with her ice cream.
"So… why did you want to die back then?", suddenly I got curious.
"I had my reasons. You don't tell me why you wanted to die, I don't tell you why I wanted to die."
"You will tell me if I told you?"
"I'm not interested."
"Welp."
"But" – a short pause as she squinted her eyes as if she was setting up to make some profound statement.
"What?"
"I could teach you."
"Huh?"
"I could teach you how to kill yourself."
"What can you teach me? And what is there to learn?"
"There is a lot you don't know about dying."
"And you know something I don't?"
"Yeah."
"Like what?"
"I'm not telling you for free."
"Lol, whatever. Forget it. You are just pulling my legs."
"I will take you under my wings and teach you the ways if you'd pay me for it."
"Forget it, just eat your ice cream and go."
She then silently rolled up the sleeve of her left arm and showed me her wrist which had big and deep scars as if she had cut it really hard before. She then pulled down her hoodie and leaned her neck back while stretching the collar part down, which revealed what looked like an old bruise from serious injury – I immediately thought this must be marks from hanging herself.
"There are more, but these are just some obvious signs I can show now.
"
"You.. really did try to kill yourself before...?"
"Many times."
"Wait, but you failed every time. You are still alive, so what can I learn from a teacher who failed in her own art?"
"At some point, I actually died, but brought back at the last minute by emergency service."
"You thought you were dead?"
"I've seen things during those times. Unbelievable things."
I was intrigued.
"Such as...?"
"Like I said, I will teach you for a fee."
"How much?"
"I will teach you against receipt of your will, that you will leave me all your money and belongings after you die. In return I guarantee you that you will succeed in killing yourself in the most satisfying manner, with no fear in your heart in the final moment, and with nothing but the feeling of bliss during the time you transition from being alive to dead."
"That sounds ridiculous, but since I plan to try suicide again in the near future, I will take your offer."
"Deal?"
"Yes, deal."
So that's how I made the pact with this devil of a girl, who became my suicide mentor.