On the last day of May, for a whole month, I lost contact with Ye Xi. I sent him countless messages, called him numerous times, but his phone was always off. I sent him over a dozen emails, each one expressing my love for him.
At the beginning of May, I was ecstatic, looking forward to the May holidays to see Ye Xi, to apologize to him in person, to treat him to delicious food, and to buy him the best gifts. Mid-May, I thought he must be very busy, still mad at me, so he didn't have time to contact me. The weather in Taipei also became hot. In the office, I wore tank tops and shorts for a whole week, with flip-flops on my feet. Ah Long and Li Juan said I looked sloppy, warning me to be careful of the paparazzi. One day, Song Yaowen called me to the office for a talk and scolded me relentlessly. After the scolding, he arranged a stylist for me, and I had to dress according to their instructions.
By the end of May, there was still no news from him. He disappeared from my world just like that, as suddenly as he appeared in it. Just like how effortlessly he won the Chopin Piano Competition Gold Medal. He was so free in everything he did, so light-hearted. He could easily pick up and put down our relationship. What does he really care about?
"Yan Feng, come over here," Song Yaowen called out again.
"Oh." I approached his office, where a middle-aged man in his forties was sitting on the side.
"This is Chang Hongsheng, the top agent. It took a lot of effort for Uncle Bai to convince him to come," Song Yaowen stood between me and Chang Hongsheng, unsure whether to look at me or at him.
It was the first time I saw Song Yaowen like this. He was hardly ever in the office. Li Juan told me he was either on business trips or socializing with people. The usually arrogant him seemed a bit uneasy today upon meeting Chang Hongsheng. I stared at Chang Hongsheng. He was a bit short, with several gray hairs amidst his straight hair that reached his ears. His meticulous personality was evident from his facial features, and a deeper wisdom could be seen in his eyes.
"Where should we start?" he said, uttering a rather cryptic statement.
"Um?" I stood there, unsure of what to do.
"Ah, I see. Let's start from the beginning," he furrowed his brows and then stood up. "Hello, Yan Feng."
"Hello, nice to meet you. Please guide me," I shook his hand.
"You two talk. I have to leave now. Hongsheng, I'll treat you to dinner later!" Song Yaowen bowed slightly and even paid respect to Chang Hongsheng before leaving.
"Alright, you may go. I'll chat with Yan Feng slowly," Chang Hongsheng stood tall, and after speaking, he looked at me with a certain indication in his gaze.
That day, I talked with Chang Hongsheng for three hours. We forgot to have lunch. He was someone who made you feel comfortable. He rarely asked questions. He told me many stories about his predecessors but skillfully protected their privacy. He didn't disclose whose stories they were; he just spoke of their past misfortunes, the ups and downs of fame, and their eventual decline or retirement.
He also told me about Song Yaowen's struggles. He said Song Yaowen, being a native of the province, worked hard to get into National Taiwan University at the age of eighteen and went to the United States alone at twenty-two to pursue a master's degree. When he finished his studies, he was penniless. Later, he joined Star Creation Media Company, starting as a lowly reporter and eventually becoming a top agent. He ended up as the general manager of Digi's Greater China region. Only he knew the hardships Song Yaowen endured along the way. He said he knew Song Yaowen had some bad habits, but he never crossed the line. He wouldn't treat artists as commodities for trade. Those who spent time with him knew that he was generous with the artists under his care, and I wouldn't lose out by following him. If someone else spoke about Song Yaowen like that, I wouldn't believe them. But Chang Hongsheng had a natural charm that made people trust him, so I could only nod in agreement. In his storytelling, I couldn't help but confide in him. In the end, I became the one who talked more. I almost told him about me and Ye Xi. But when the words were on the tip of my tongue, I hesitated. He noticed my hesitation and asked the only question.
"What's on your mind?" He picked up a glass of water, his hands caressing the transparent glass. Seeing that I didn't want to say much, he continued, "It's okay. We'll be spending a lot of time together, and I know you've been upset lately about the Lin Huiru publicity issue. Actually, you can separate your private life from work. Actors, to put it bluntly, are performers whose work hours are spent on stage. Though I understand it's not easy. Artists work long hours every day, leaving little time for themselves. So, you can use the spare moments, in the bathroom, or before bed, for meditation. I can recommend a yoga teacher for you."
"Um, thank you," I replied.
"Also, make sure to utilize your days off each month properly. During your rest time, don't check your work phone or email. You need to set boundaries. If there's an emergency, I'll handle it for you. You don't need to worry," he smiled at me.
"Okay, I understand," I replied, without looking at him, and walked towards Song Yaowen's desk to pour water for Chang Hongsheng.
"You can talk to me about any troubles you have. Are you in a relationship?" he asked another direct question, hitting right at the heart.
I couldn't say anything. I wondered why he didn't ask, "Do you have a girlfriend?"
"It shouldn't affect your work; we won't intervene in other matters," he said only this much. "If your emotions are affecting your performance, you can take a day off when there's no official business. But no more than that."
I stood there, just nodding. I couldn't utter a single lie. I wanted so much to say, "Can I take a day off today?" But then I thought, even if I took the day off, what difference would it make? I didn't know where Ye Xi was. However, hearing Chang Hongsheng's words made me feel much better. He seemed reliable. There were things I didn't want to do, but at least I could tell him. After talking with Chang Hongsheng, I finally understood that being a professional musician, music was only a small part of the job. When I realized this small part was the only thing I truly had, I clung to it desperately and plunged into music creation madly. Looking back now, from the obsession with Ye Xi, music in my world, its volume kept shrinking. Perhaps the sun, as a metaphor, was cursed from the beginning. The decline of a star, from a red giant to a white dwarf, as gravity collapses, the density of music becomes as massive as a black hole, pulling me and everything around me, sinking continuously at the edge of its sight. Even Apollo couldn't intervene.
In June, the publicity stunt with Lin Huiru continued to escalate, and Digi Records gained absolute benefits from this PR campaign. Song Yaowen received another new Jaeger-LeCoultre watch, this time adorned with diamonds. I no longer cared whether Ye Xi replied to me or about media reports. I ignored the company's arranged PR statements, various notices, and even the numbers in my bank account. I worked tirelessly in the studio, writing songs, recording different versions of demos. At that time, I thought that as long as I made the best music, no matter how long it took, Ye Xi would eventually come back to me. Nothing else mattered.
The publicity with Lin Huiru also became less painful because she was an innocent party too. Sometimes, we appeared together at signing events or press conferences, and I could feel a silent understanding between us from her expressions and glances. Gradually, I began to find joy in these staged encounters with her. I didn't believe that enjoying this happiness would affect my love for Ye Xi because the more commonplace the happiness, the more precious love seemed.
In July, there was still no word from Ye Xi. The skies weren't as rainy in July, with occasional intense rainfall from cumulonimbus clouds in the afternoons, cooling down the hot summer days suddenly. I liked this kind of weather. Lin Huiru, too, was like this rain, appearing at the company every afternoon punctually. I could always hear her laughter from afar, as refreshing as the summer rain. I agreed to help Lin Huiru write a song, which we decided to call "Rain."
"Have you finished writing my song?" She suddenly patted my shoulder, startling me.
"I'm working on it, I'm working on it," I replied.
"You're in the studio every day. How come it's not done yet?" She took off her beret and tossed it onto the sofa, wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses, so I couldn't see her eyes.
"It'll be done soon, just a few more days."
"We need the new album ready by the end of the year. Hurry up," she said, walking over to the sofa, chewing gum, and lounging on it with her legs crossed.
"Don't bully the newcomer too much," Dragon brother took off his headphones, swiveling his chair to look at Lin Huiru.
"Yan Feng isn't a newcomer anymore. He's almost a little king in terms of fame," Lin Huiru removed her sunglasses. "I'm just riding on his popularity now. You guys are already thinking of ditching me and having fun on your own."
"We wouldn't dare. You're the diva," Dragon brother chuckled, his face creasing with laughter lines.
"Stop it, you two. Don't praise each other like this. Yan Feng is my little brother," she got up and walked towards me, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Hurry up and write. I'll treat you to dinner tonight, somewhere fancy."
"Alright, sis," I smiled.
"I'm off to record the demo now, then I have an event to attend. It should wrap up around 9 pm. I'll call you then," she patted my shoulder and left the studio.
Dragon brother, Li Juan, and I fell into silence, as if pretending to be busy.
"I think she's into you," Dragon brother said.
"Don't talk nonsense. It's just publicity. Work is work," Li Juan retorted angrily.
"Yan Feng is so handsome, young, and full of vitality. Lin Huiru is the queen, so beautiful. Yan Feng won't lose out," Dragon brother said with a grin.
"Be serious. Have you looked at the song I wrote?" I said with a serious expression, though I wasn't really angry. Lin Huiru was a good senior who had shown me a lot of understanding and support. I didn't mind others joking about me and her.
"I'm checking it now," Dragon brother stared at the computer, opening the software to view the tracks.
At 9:10 pm, the arrangements for "Rain" in two versions, one instrumental and one jazz, were completed. There was still a disagreement between me and Ah Long on one version. Once all three versions were done, Lin Huiru could start recording the master tracks. I stared at the tracks on the computer, recalling Ye Xi's performance of Chopin's "Piano Concerto No. 1 in E minor" at the Chopin Piano Competition. As I looked at my own work, I unconsciously shook my head. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. I glanced at the screen. It was a call from Lin Huiru.
"Hey, it's time for dinner," she said casually.
"Okay, where are we going?"
"Tianxianglou. Hurry up, there's no traffic now."
"Alright, it's Hangzhou cuisine, right? Sounds good."
I put on my sunglasses, grabbed my backpack, and hurried out.
"Be careful not to get caught," Li Juan warned me.
"Aren't we already stirring up rumors?" I laughed helplessly.
"I mean, remember what you can and can't do. The company doesn't support official relationships," Li Juan adjusted her glasses.
"Don't worry, it's just dinner."
"I'll have the driver take you there. Don't drive yourself," Dragon brother stood up, stretching lazily.
"Okay, that works," I agreed. I didn't feel like driving either.
The night in Taipei was chaotic, with lights of various heights and tangled wires dividing them. In this regard, it bore some resemblance to Japanese cities, indicating the lingering influence from the Japanese occupation era that hadn't completely faded away. As the car window shook, I felt disoriented, unable to tell if I was still in Japan. Where was Ye Xi? If he wasn't here, did he also spend time with me in Japan? Would he remember those moments from the past few months? These questions were merely my wishful thinking. I couldn't even confirm if those warm, exotic spring nights were real. Immersed in memories, I felt a throbbing ache and confusion, but the hunger in my stomach brought some sense of reality—I was hungry and needed to eat.
Crystal pork, Hangzhou smoked fish, Longjing shrimp, seasonal yellow croaker, crab stuffed oranges, and pearl abalone.
"So much food!" I exclaimed.
"Thank you for these past few days," Lin Huiru smiled sweetly, quite unlike her usual self.
"It's nothing, senior," I scratched my head.
"Don't call me senior. It makes me feel old," she frowned.
"Alright, sis," I returned her smile.
"Sigh, you little rascal," she picked up her chopsticks and tapped my hand. The white tablecloth contrasted with her beautifully radiant skin under the light. "Alright, let's talk about something serious. How's Chang Hongsheng?"
"Uncle Chang is doing fine."
"He's not really your uncle, you cheeky brat."
"I'm just showing respect," I chuckled.
"Okay, okay, I know you're polite," she picked up a piece of meat with her chopsticks and put it in her bowl. "So, what did he say to you?"
"He mainly talked about how tough it is for Mr. Song, saying you're all good people and encouraging me to focus on my music," I also grabbed a piece of meat with her chopsticks.
"Oh? Is that so?" She smiled.
"Mr. Chang is a really good person. He didn't share anyone's private matters with me," I looked at Lin Huiru seriously.
"I know, he has a good reputation. I trust him," she poked the meat with her chopsticks, sliding the ivory-colored utensils along the edge of the meat. "Is there anything you want to say?" She put down her chopsticks and looked at me.
"Um, no," I replied.
"Hahaha, both of us are like this, and you still don't have anything to say?" She squeezed my hand. "I ordered a bottle of wine. You'll feel like chatting after a while."
"Um... it's not like that," I suddenly blushed.
"Come on, have a sip," she snatched the wine bottle from the waiter and poured me a glass.
"Alright," I clinked my glass with hers.
"It's been tough lately, hasn't it? I know you're new to the industry and it takes some getting used to. But eventually, you'll come to like it. Artists are all good people, really kind-hearted. And you'll find that the relationships between colleagues are great too. We often gather together to eat and drink, sharing everything with each other. Besides sworn enemies, artists are all old friends. We're like a family. Hahaha."
"Yeah, indeed, you all are great," I nodded. I could feel the sense of family she was talking about. During busy times, Dragon brother, Li Juan, and the other staff practically lived together with me, creating a bond that made us rely on each other like siblings.
"Come on, have another sip. You'll be back to the U.S. in August, and sis will miss you," Lin Huiru winked, her mouth forming a teasing smile.
After a few rounds of drinks, I seemed to have said a lot, but I couldn't remember much. However, I remembered what she said.
"Oh, you have a boyfriend. Won't he mind?"
"Poor thing."
"Hey, you know, I've slept with Song Yaowen once or twice. Such a boring guy."
"In this industry, it's just like that. They're all 'friends.'"
"Artists are very lonely, and they're always busy with work. So finding one or two who you can really connect with isn't easy. I really like you."
"That's enough, let's go."
I don't remember if I was drunk or not, but I remember saying something like "I miss you" – that "you" must have been Ye Xi. She helped me up, my hand resting on her shoulder, my whole body leaning against hers. My hand accidentally touched her soft chest, my forearm rubbing against her smooth collarbone. And like that, Lin Huiru and I stumbled, secretly slipping into a private elevator, entering the hotel room where Tianxian Tower was located. My stomach was full, and I even felt a bit nauseous, but my heart, filled with longing, was empty. Love really makes one lonely. In this moment, without Ye Xi by my side, there was another warm body. Perhaps it could temporarily soothe the loneliness in my heart.