"Who are you talking to on the phone, Feng?" My brother leaned out from the porch, holding two bottles of beer.
"No one, just discussing work with Ah Long (dragon brother)," I instinctively denied, then added a lie unnecessarily.
"Hahaha, your words don't match, are you really not on a call?" He approached me, and I quickly slipped my phone into my pocket, gazing into the distance.
"Are you in love?" He cut to the chase.
"...No."
"The way you're acting, anyone can tell," he leaned against me, handing me a bottle of beer. "It's not Lin Huiru, is it?"
"...No," I tensed at the mention of Lin Huiru's name.
"Oh? Then who is it?" His eyes widened.
"I'll tell you later," I took a sip of beer.
He draped his arm over my shoulder. "Let's go to Peria Kamani later. There's a special kind of soil on that island. Artisans use it to make planters for growing plants."
"You know, none of the plants I raise last more than three months," I chuckled helplessly.
"That soil comes from volcanic eruptions. While eruptions destroy life, volcanic ash creates the most nutritious soil in the world."
"Brother, what are you trying to say?"
"Nothing much, I just feel like you've grown a lot. You have a lot on your mind. Being able to carry all that and still make Bian Jingrui smile shows maturity. But I still think the competitive you was happier, always striving for Katherine, getting into fights with others, you were so full of life. Sometimes I remember when we used to play baseball together as kids, Kai (Feng's younger brother) always competing with you." He lowered his head, falling silent.
"Haha, you remember that too. Childhood was really good."
"Was it okay being called 'Chink' by your classmates?"
"I embrace it willingly. If they hadn't bullied me, I might have grown up as a silly, happy chubby boy, and never learned to play the violin." Suddenly, I felt 'Chink' was quite a good word. So what if they called me 'Chink'? Ye Xi, a Chinese, achieved the first place in the Western-dominated classical music world and won the highest awards. The more you're looked down upon, the more you should stand up. So what if they call me 'Chink'? That's him and me, one representing classical music, the other representing pop music, both known in the world as Chinese. Chink-out, it's a great idea. I believe this word can represent both him and me in music. I smiled happily.
"Why are you smiling so happily?"
"Yeah, I feel pretty good now. I'm getting some recognition too," I looked at him proudly.
"Of course, because you're my little brother."
"Hey, don't treat me like a kid," I nudged his chest with my arm. "So, how are things with Miss Bai?"
"Don't bring that up," he walked away. "Come on, let's go. We need to pack up and head to Peria Kamani Island."
"Wait, tell me," I grabbed him.
"The king proposes, but the goddess remains indifferent," he turned and left.
Seven people crammed into the business van, filling it to the brim. Two families couldn't help but continue their chatter in the crowded space. I put on my headphones, recalling the idea I had just thought of, chewing it over repeatedly. The ambition that had been brewing in my mind finally erupted along with my longing for Ye Xi. It was as intense as the blue sky outside the window, rising and falling with the deep blue of the Aegean Sea, shimmering with the gray-green sheen of rows of olive leaves under the scorching sun. Crows perched over small patches of golden wheat fields, dark and oppressive, blocking out all the bright sights. It was a massive dream in the summer, and Ye Xi's brought darkness kept my dream at bay. I felt suffocated by it, with desire and ambition intertwining. It was as if I could see the eruption of a volcano three thousand years ago, where scalding volcanic ash engulfed everything. I had to get out; I had been holding my breath for too long. I tugged at my collar, furrowing my brow, and took off my sunglasses.
"Are you feeling unwell?" Bai Jingrui looked at me.
"No, no," I forced a smile.
"We're almost there," my brother grasped the back of my seat with both hands.
As the door opened, I leaped out. The car stopped in a high parking lot, overlooking the entire Peria Kamani Island. The barren volcanic rock was cleaved into a crescent-shaped cliff, with a red sand beach along its narrow edge. The sea here was no longer as azure as Santorini. It shimmered with a green light, reflecting the dullness of the gray volcanic rock. Jagged rocks of various sizes scattered at the junction of the rugged beach and the sea. Sometimes, these stones were large sharp-edged boulders standing alone in the midst of the waves, and further up, there were mostly large patches of gray-white pebbles. It didn't look like a tourist destination; everywhere it revealed the appearance of ruins.
"You told me volcanic ash is the most nutritious soil," I complained to my brother.
"For plants, besides soil, freshwater is also important," he mused.
"Yes, bringing out a flower is not easy at all. It surely requires careful nurturing."
"You guys take Jingrui to the red sand beach to bask in the sun," my mom said to me, my brother, and Kai (Feng's younger brother).
"I'll chat with your dad, Uncle Bai, and Aunt Meihui," my mom whispered to me.
Walking barefoot on the rounded pebbles smoothed by the sea, I felt a tingling sensation in my belly. My brother and Bai Jingrui sat on a large rock in the distance, gazing into the distance, while Kai squatted beside them, staring intently at the small waves by his feet. I walked towards them, stepping carefully on the sun-warmed stones.
"Come over here, superstar," my brother waved at me.
Even if my album sells a million copies and my name echoes in everyone's mouth, my brother, Kai, or Bai Jingrui, just like now, they always seem distant to me. And then there's Ye Xi; they were born different from me. Sometimes I miss Katherine a lot. She had an ordinary childhood like mine, and she could see the vulnerable side of me. But now, I can't go back to the past. The discontent inside me always feels restless. With the desire for Ye Xi, my ambition in music is expanding. I can only move forward, stepping on the stones brought by the volcano, in the dry heat of the past and present, trying hard to get closer to them.
"Tomorrow we're going to see the pottery paintings of Achilles and Patroclus," Bai Jingrui chuckled to herself.
"Isn't that collection in the Berlin Museum?" my brother said, glancing at me. "I remember seeing it when Feng and I, along with Mom and Dad, went to Berlin one summer."
"Oh? Is it?" I couldn't quite remember.
"These ones here should be replicas," Kai said. "It's a pity I wasn't born yet when you guys went to Berlin."
"It's okay, we can go next year or the year after," my eyes sparkled; next year Ye Xi would be in Germany.
"Sure," my brother ran his hand through his wind-tossed hair. "Does Jingrui also like the Homeric epics?"
"It's part of our studies. The Odyssey and the Iliad are must-reads. But honestly, I don't feel much about the Homeric epics. I prefer Greek mythology, with its vivid gods and their emotions, very lively," Bai Jingrui touched her pearl necklace.
I felt a jolt in my heart. I had thought Bai Jingrui was also a devout Christian.
"Achilles and Patroclus, they were lovers, right?" Kai stood up. "In Greek mythology, the gods are all homosexual. Is that what you mean by 'seven emotions and six desires'?"
Suddenly, I felt like digging a hole in the pebble beach and hiding inside. I didn't dare to listen to their conversation any longer.
"Same-sex love is one aspect, I'm just amazed by the portrayal of human nature in Greek mythology. Such blatant blasphemy against the gods feels exhilarating, and these stories date back long before the Renaissance. Don't you think this represents an early liberation of human nature?" Bai Jingrui grew more excited as she spoke.
"Hahaha," my brother laughed out loud. "Then how do you view God? Do you still go to church with Uncle Bai and Aunt Meihui?"
As the dialogue continued, I couldn't bear to hear more.
"I don't go to church anymore, but I admit the existence of God," Bai Jingrui lowered her head.
"You're really strange," Kai was not being polite at all. "One could say you're cunning."
"Kai!" my brother gave Kai a stern look.
"I just don't believe in organized religion. I believe in God, in Gautama Buddha, and I also believe in Plato and Socrates," Bai Jingrui smiled.
As the sun broke through the clouds, a beam of light fell on Bai Jingrui's white skirt.
"Plato and Socrates were also homosexuals," I blurted out involuntarily.
"Yes," she said softly.
"Although God prohibits homosexuality, what he forbids is indulgence, not intellect," my brother looked out at the distant sea.
"Are you talking about Narcissus and Goldmund?" I was deeply drawn into their discussion.
"When did you read this book?" my brother seemed surprised.
"A few years ago when I was in New York, Katherine showed it to me."
"Oh? Who's Katherine? I'm sure I could be good friends with her," Bai Jingrui leaned forward, turning to look at me.
"Oh, she's also in New York. We can have dinner together sometime," I kicked a stone beneath my foot. "Goldmund is so lucky to have Narcissus as his close friend," I couldn't help but say again.
"Yes, that's why their love is pure, all guided by God. Narcissus, under the discipline of God, is wise and not entangled by desire. While Goldmund is his opposite, he's too emotional," my brother added.
"But I feel Narcissus is the lucky one because Goldmund brought love into his life. Wisdom is such a boring thing. As a person, if you haven't experienced love, then what's the point of living? And it's precisely because of his love for Goldmund that Narcissus reached the place reserved for him by divine grace," Bai Jingrui countered vehemently, in a way I had never seen her before. In my mind, she had always maintained an elegant posture, deliberately keeping her distance from others and never engaging in arguments.
"Yes! You're absolutely right," I blurted out.
"Feng, you've gone crazy too," my brother laughed at me.
"Hahaha, I think you all are getting a bit too heated under the sun," Kai scooped up some seawater and splashed the three of us.
The sunlight reflected off the water droplets suspended in the air, the full droplets refracting colorful light like countless tiny mirrors, reflecting my image, almost as if it carried a semblance of Ye Xi's. In the momentarily humid air, a rainbow appeared. I thought of the dialogue from the book: if desire was commonplace for Goldmund, then Narcissus and his love were unique and irreplaceable. Narcissus's love was so deep, so restrained; he was unwilling to risk himself, to push Goldmund into danger, into mere physical indulgence. Was Ye Xi like Narcissus? Was he afraid that our relationship would be shallow? He had brought me into the sanctum of music, inspiring me, seeing the faith in music above all else. I felt like I understood his intentions. If he understood my feelings, would I need to explain the mundane distractions to him? Surely, he and I shared a similar understanding.
My brother, Kai, Bai Jingrui, and I stayed on the volcanic ash-strewn beach of Peria Kamani until sunset. We returned to the restaurant in Santorini by car, already 8 p.m. My parents, Uncle Bai, and Aunt Meihui (Bai Jingrui's parents) seemed to have resolved some internal conflicts. The conversation at the dinner table was unusually serene; we no longer discussed world economics, stocks, presidents, or anything else. We spoke of Mediterranean plants, the growth of cypresses in Rochester's backyard, the climate of the Black Sea, and the differences in salinity between the Dead Sea and the Mediterranean. My brother said that sunbathing on the red sand beach in the afternoon made it impossible to float in the seawater; one had to keep swimming continuously. Kai (Feng's brother) joked that if he didn't swim, the Mediterranean would turn into the "Dead" Sea. Laughter filled the table time and time again, easing my mood.
Before going to bed, I checked my messages once more. Just a minute before shutting down, the screen lit up.
"What are you doing?" It was a text from Ye Xi!
Those four words confirmed my suspicions. No matter how many people and events came between us, no one could replace the place we held in each other's hearts.
I called him back, and he answered quickly.
"I miss you so much," I couldn't think of anything else to say; any other words would be superfluous.
"Was what you said to me yesterday true?" he asked.
"Of course. Did you listen to the voicemail?" I chuckled.
"Are you still traveling in Greece?" he asked, but I guessed he wanted to know if I was still in the United States.
"I'm returning to the U.S. next Tuesday. Are you still touring in the U.S.?" I replied.
"I'm returning to Chengdu next Tuesday. I need to prepare for school," he said.
"When you get to Germany, I'll come find you," I said, covering the phone as the warmth of my breath threatened to melt my hand.
"Okay," he hesitated for a moment. "I also want to talk to you. I have to go practice the piano now. Bye."
"Okay, bye," I heard the rapid beeping as he hung up, but I kept the phone glued to my ear.