Still unable to distinguish whether it's daytime or nighttime in the hotel room, just like the last time I woke up like this, at the Park Hyatt Hotel in Tokyo. Where am I today? I tangled up the bedsheets, hoping to confirm I'm still in Tokyo through the sensation against my skin. Tossing and turning, my hand touched another body. I was startled by its soft fullness; it didn't belong to Ye Xi. Ye Xi's body was as smooth and firm as this one but not as voluptuous. This must be a woman's body! It suddenly moved under my touch, wrapping tightly around me, immobilizing me.
"You're awake?" Lin Huiru's voice.
"Ah." I felt a headache.
"You didn't drink much yesterday, just two glasses. Were you pretending to be drunk on purpose?" Her nose touched my lips.
"Yeah... I've been really tired lately."
"Is that so? Even though you were so energetic last night." Her tone was teasing, bubbly.
"..." I couldn't find the words.
"But you kept saying 'I miss you so much.' Could it be me you miss? Who are you thinking of?" She loosened her grip, rolling over. "Oh, I really want to hear you call out 'Ye Xi.' Who's that? Your girlfriend?"
"It's so dark. Where are we?"
"You don't remember anything? Or are you choosing to forget? Hahaha. Looks like it's the first time for you." She suddenly laughed.
"Get up, we still have to go to the office," I suddenly sat up.
"Why aren't you answering my question? Ah, so boring," she also got up, forcefully pulling open the curtains.
In the sunlight, her silhouette against the light outlined beautiful curves, fullness rising and falling, sometimes turning into smooth muscle lines. She slowly turned around, two concave lines on her abdomen extending to the inside of her thighs, a silver stud gleaming dimly at her navel. I just stared at her, scrutinizing her body, even though we were intimate last night, she still felt so unfamiliar at this moment.
"You're staring blankly. Do I look good?" She flashed a proud smile.
"Uh, yeah," I turned my head slightly away, "put your clothes on."
My hand groped around the foot of the bed, and I casually threw a shirt to her.
"This is your shirt," she caught the shirt with one hand, shaking it with both hands by the corners.
"Oh, then give it to me," I remembered I was also naked, embarrassment flooding my cheeks.
"Hahaha, shy now? Doesn't seem like last night. Come and get your clothes," she shook the shirt in her hand again.
I felt a wave of annoyance and strode over to her in a few steps, snatching the clothes away.
"So aggressive, what's the big deal?" she glanced sideways, "I won't tell anyone, don't worry. If you feel guilty towards your girlfriend, then we won't have a next time."
I put on my clothes, searching for my pants at the edge of the bed.
"I mean, you came here willingly, it's not like I held a gun to your head," she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Ah, rookies are always rookies, so full of youthful vigor."
I ignored what she said, busying myself with getting dressed. She opened her shoulder bag, which was filled with documents, and took out a box of Seven Star cigarettes from it, picking one out, lighting it, and taking a puff. I still paid no attention to her, having finished putting on my clothes, just staring at her dumbly. She chuckled instead. She picked out another cigarette from the box and tossed it to me.
"I don't smoke," I took the cigarette from her, staring at the white cylinder in my hand.
"So obedient. No messing around with relationships, no smoking," she laughed heartily. It sounded like sarcasm to me.
"I'm sorry, I lost control yesterday. It was a complete accident. Please don't tell anyone," I finally relented.
"Yeah, I know. It's okay. I thought last night was pretty good. If you care, just forget about it," she glanced at the clock on the table. "It's eight o'clock now. It takes half an hour to get to the office from here. I dismissed the company driver yesterday, and no one's coming to pick us up today. I'll go downstairs first. You can leave in half an hour."
I stared at her in surprise. Three seconds later, I understood that this kind of thing was just too ordinary for her.
"Okay," I lowered my head, coincidentally seeing the bright red nail polish on her toes. Such a beautiful and delicate person, yet with such a shallow soul, what a pity. I silently repented to God in my heart, realizing that I was getting closer to Satan. I hoped that from now on, such things would never happen again.
Lin Huiru closed the door behind her, leaving me alone to face this awkward situation, this dreadful summer day, the sticky air, the inescapable work relationships, the vanished Ye Xi, and my own loneliness. Can't we just erase July? If we can't erase it, there must be some way for me to forget. But it's only the first day of July, and I still have a month to escape its shadow. In December, I have to record a new album, and a new round of promotion will begin. What other reason do I have now not to work hard? If I don't make music, it seems like there's no other way for me to escape the waiting emptiness. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll end up in someone else's arms again, or embrace them from behind, imagining tenderness with Ye Xi in my mind. Longing is so terrifying; it not only torments my soul but also gnaws at my flesh.
For the first ten days of July, I locked myself in the studio, constantly listening to Gould's Bach, hoping to find eternal truth in the fugue, attempting to approach God with the Goldberg Variations. Until the thirtieth variation, "I have been away from you for so long," appeared. (According to musicological research, Variation 30's melody is based on two German folk songs: "I Have So Long Been Away From You" and "Cabbage and Turnips Have Driven Me Away."） I seemed to see Ye Xi again in Bach's exquisite language. I handed him the "cabbage" and "turnips"; the gifts I gave him were worthless, so he left. I hadn't fulfilled my promise to him; I had written songs for someone else, so he left. He must think I'm a person of empty promises. I crumpled the staff notebook, wrote down the beginning in C major, up to G major, wrote down one note after another, tearing page after page of paper. How can I make him know my determination? How can I make him feel secure?
I rested my head among a pile of scraps of paper. Slowly lifting my head, unsure if it was due to lack of sleep, I suddenly saw Ye Xi's face in the glass of the recording studio. My melancholic heart brightened, and the shadow on the glass smiled. Was it my smile or his? My hair hadn't been trimmed for a month, and the ends were almost shoulder-length. Does loving someone make you become like them? If so, then he hadn't really left me. I picked up a pen and wrote down the first note in G major. I was waiting for that day, and he must be waiting for it too, until there was no distance between us, allowing us to regain the lost sense of security.
"You finally wrote it out," Ah Long suddenly stood beside me.
I stopped the pen and looked up at him. He picked up the music sheet I had written.
"Yeah, this song will definitely be a hit," Ar Long (Dragon brother) brought the notebook close to his eyes. "You're so talented, Yan Feng. I love this piece. Let me write the lyrics."
"No need, I already have the lyrics in mind," I snatched the notebook back.
"Oh? Another love rival?" he chuckled.
"Not really."
"Or is it Lin Huiru?" he chuckled again.
"Let's not talk about her," I buried my head, plunging my pen heavily into the notebook.
"Getting so angry, did something really happen?"
"No, I'm just really tired lately."
"Take a good rest today then," he suggested.
"No need," I tossed each paper ball into the wastebasket.
August finally arrived. In the month of July, I wrote 8 songs, but none of them satisfied me. There were still ten days until I returned to the United States, and I didn't want to rest. I just wanted to speed up the release of the album, to let Ye Xi hear my confessions in every corner of the city. He would surely believe in me again. Time is like this; when you want it to move faster, it always drags you along. Whenever you're reluctant to let it go, it slips away from you. It was the same when I was with Ye Xi, and it was the same when I was writing songs for him.
As long as I stayed close to his heart, time was never enough.
Rochester in August wasn't very hot. Stepping out of the cabin door, the chilly wind made me forget that it was the same season as Taipei. I would be heading to Greece the next day, hoping that the weather there wouldn't be so unpredictable. The Mediterranean sunshine always made me feel brighter. But this time, I was going with my parents, brothers, and another unfamiliar family. Although it was a leisure trip, I always felt a bit constrained. So when packing my luggage, I brought along my MiniDisc player and Gould's Goldberg Variations CD. With headphones on, I could retreat into Ye Xi's universe and shut out the world around me.
"Uncle Bai is asking you something," my mom walked over to the seat next to mine and spoke loudly to me.
Glancing at the screen, it was 10:30 in the evening, time to rest. I thought everyone was already in their seats. We had been busy all day. At noon, we had lunch at the Bai family's house, and the conversation at the dining table was all about the same old topics. The Bai family congratulated me on my fame, praised my successful album sales. My family reciprocated with gratitude for the Bai family's help and concern. The Bai family praised my parents for their excellent upbringing, how talented and outstanding my brothers were. My family then complimented Miss Bai on her talents and exceptional demeanor. Then the conversation shifted to real estate in New York, the Bai family's land, stock market prices, cross-border trade, or the cross-strait situation, and the US presidential elections. A cloud always seemed to hover over the dining table, those topics looming overhead, and everyone avoided them. We were Taipei people in New York, unwilling to discuss our shared past of guilt and homesickness.
So, at the right moment, elders always seem to want to establish connections for the future in a foreign land, using marriage as a means to propagate the family line. I could tell that the Bai family was trying to match Miss Bai with my brother. With my brother's precociousness, he should have noticed it long ago. I don't know why he neither rejected nor accepted it. Miss Bai was beautiful and dignified, very kind, without any airs or pretensions of a wealthy young lady. She was studying for her graduate degree at Columbia University. In terms of family background, education, or appearance, there was nothing lacking for my brother. I glanced at my brother from time to time, and he always smiled. Uncle Bai asked him questions about his doctoral research plans, saying that Miss Bai also considered applying for a Ph.D., in East Asian studies. My brother smiled, praising Miss Bai's determination and taste, saying that medicine was too practical and boring, lacking any romance. He also praised Miss Bai's ambition. Miss Bai smiled lightly and mentioned Sylvia Plath and Woolf, saying that if women study useless things, they will ultimately enter darkness. Miss Bai's words were approved by the Bai family's parents and denied by my parents. Parents always consider modesty a form of praise for each other. As for the topic itself, they were not interested, let alone realizing that when Miss Bai spoke of these things, she was mocking and rebelling against herself.
I exchanged a knowing look with Miss Bai, and she smiled. Neither of us noticed that my brother had been staring at us and Miss Bai for a long time. It wasn't until I accidentally knocked over my chopsticks, and Kai (Yan Feng's brother) handed me a new pair that I saw the insight in my brother's eyes. We didn't speak again, silently finishing the leftovers on our plates. This silence continued until we each sat in our spacious cabin seats, knowing that we both just wanted to sleep.
"Oh," I glanced at my mom, then turned to Uncle Bai. He waved at me. "Uncle Bai, sorry, I was just listening to music."
"Wouldn't you go chat with Uncle Bai?" my mom spoke rapidly.
"The plane is unstable," I glanced at my mom, then looked at Uncle Bai. He ordered a glass of Martell.
"The plane has stabilized already. Uncle Bai has something to tell you. Go over there first," mom patted my head.
I immediately got up and walked over to Uncle Bai. He raised his glass and offered it to me, taking a sip from his own. After he placed the glass back on the tray, I lightly tapped the edge of the glass and took a big sip. I forgot it was hard liquor and almost choked.
"Haha, slow down, Yan Feng. How's it going in Taiwan?" he asked.
"It's going well. Everything is on track now. Thanks for your strong support, Uncle Bai. I couldn't have come this far without you," I bent down slightly, unsure of the appropriate gesture at this moment. After a moment's hesitation, I wondered if bowing was too awkward, so I just remained suspended in mid-air.
"Haha, it's okay. You, along with Yan Kai (Yan Feng's younger brother) and Yan De (Yan Feng's older brother), are all like my own grandchildren. Our family only has Jingrui as a child. You've known each other since childhood, you're all family," he seemed a bit emotional, and I guessed his thoughts must have drifted back to the last century, back to the mainland. "If you have any grievances, you must tell me. I'll talk to Song Yaowen."
"Thank you, Uncle Bai. Everything is fine."
"Ah, you kids have all grown up, each one successful. We should help where we can," he paused, then continued after five seconds, "Is your grandmother doing well? Is it inconvenient for her to be alone in Taipei?"
"She's doing well, Auntie takes care of her. I stay at my grandmother's house when I'm in Taipei."
"Good, that's good. Your grandfather, oh, my Uncle Yan. When he and my father were on the mainland, from '38 to '49, from Hebei all the way to Guangzhou, they went through thick and thin together. Now, the older generation has passed away. If your generation can continue this deep friendship, it would be a good match for our families."
"Jingrui and I usually spend a lot of time together. She even came to Taipei last time I signed with DJI and helped me a lot. We're good friends. This trip, it's rare for both of our families to be together. So I think we can definitely enjoy the trip together."
"Mmm, that's good. Jingrui isn't very sociable usually, and she has few friends. She often spends her time alone in her room reading books. I'm happy to see her chatting with you all," Uncle Bai said.
"Jingrui is a very nice person, haha."
"It's good to hear you say that. It's getting late, you should go back to your seat and rest."
"Yeah, sure. Thank you, Uncle Bai."
Finally, I reclined in my seat, adjusted the backrest, and put on my headphones. Half-closing my eyes, I saw Bai Jingrui's neatly groomed long hair. She looked like a porcelain doll, always in perfect order. I remembered the gold ring I entrusted to her to give to Ye Xi. I felt guilty for owing her a favor. The sentiment I asked her to convey on my behalf turned out to be in vain. Ye Xi didn't need me anymore, and I had betrayed him. Regret overwhelmed me, and what was even more terrifying was that the image of Lin Huiru in my memories was fading away.
During the day, as I stood before the pristine white buildings of Santorini, the turquoise sea stabbed at my eyes. That clear emotion seemed to be illuminated by the sunlight in the azure waves, and in my ears, an aria played, as if I stood before God, confessing all my sins to Ye Xi. I still couldn't forget him. Perhaps as long as my love for music remained, I would still love Ye Xi. How could I not love music? My love for music is eternal, and so is my love for Ye Xi. I clenched my phone tightly in my hand. How I longed to make that call, even though I knew he wouldn't answer. Leaning against the low white wall, my finger accidentally pressed the dial button. So be it, let's make the call. Even if I spoke to the phone alone, I wanted to tell him that I loved him.