Hi brother Feng,
I received your gift, and I'm so happy! I thought we had lost touch; it's been several years since I last heard from you! Thanks to Miss Jingrui for coming all the way to Warsaw. I'm still in Warsaw now; I'll be back in Beijing tomorrow. I have a week-long meeting at the Central Conservatory of Music. I often perform in Beijing now, along with Teacher Zhou, Wang Zhuo, and a few other teachers from the Central Conservatory.
It's great that we have your email now; it'll be much easier to stay in touch. I heard from Miss Jingrui that you're about to release a new album – I'm thrilled for you! I really hope both of us can go further on the path of music, create miracles, and look forward to the day I can hear your songs! Today has been exhausting; I just finished a competition, and I have an interview scheduled immediately. I need to prepare for that. The technology of the new era is fantastic; we can contact each other anytime now! Let's chat again sometime. Looking forward to when you come to Beijing; I'll take you to have Peking duck.
Best wishes, Your younger brother, Xi
I opened my email and seeing the message from Ye Xi instantly swept away my fatigue. He's heading to Beijing, and checking my schedule, it seems the contract matters will be settled by the day after tomorrow. Luckily, I should be able to go to Beijing then. It's a relief that I got my visa done last year; thinking about it made me smile.
"What are you smiling at?" Sister Lijuan and Brother Long said in unison.
"I think you've been too tired these days, staying up late for music, but I always feel like your mind is elsewhere," Sister Lijuan tilted her head, trying to look into my eyes.
"In that case, I'll take a day off. I want to rest for two days, and it's conveniently on Saturday and Sunday."
"Okay, let me check the schedule," Sister Lijuan looked at her computer, "No problem, take two days off."
"Thank you, Brother Long, Sister Lijuan!" I patted their shoulders.
When you care deeply about something, it transforms into a unit of time. The plane ticket for Friday is booked, a seat in row A at 7:40 in the morning. It's now 8:41 on Thursday night, and there are ten hours and fifty-nine minutes left before I can sit on the plane bound for Beijing. It's not just a day or a few hours; it's 10.59 – a set of numbers that would be meaningless, but crossing this 10.59, everything will undergo a qualitative change. At 11:30 in the evening, it only takes 14 minutes to get home from Brother Long's studio. Passing by the Nanjing East Road MRT, I looked up at the spiderweb-like electric poles. The shadows cast by the streetlights on the asphalt road bound me, and I walked slower and slower, imagining the moment of meeting Ye Xi again. He has just turned eighteen, and I wonder how he has changed from the person he was eight years ago. Trying hard to recall, his image has become blurry, and I can only see the side profile on the piano stool, accompanied by some hidden sweetness.
When the plane touched down, the countdown began. I hurried to the hotel and dropped off my luggage. Chang'an Street is really long; Beijing is so vast. It's challenging to find someone in such a big city, but Ye Xi is different. He shines like gold, making it easy to locate him, especially since I know exactly where he is.
When I saw him, he was dressed in a suit with a white shirt and black leather shoes, reminiscent of the Ye Xi I remembered yet somehow different. He was sitting on the podium in the lecture hall, awkwardly crossing his legs, both hands embracing the lectern, one hand tightly gripping the microphone. He was sharing Xiaosai's experiences, and hundreds of students below were attentively watching him, just as green and earnest as he once was.
It seemed like he noticed me. I stood at the entrance of the lecture hall, about thirty meters away from him, looking into his eyes from a distance. His eyes sparkled, with eyelids slightly closed as if trying hard to see something. I stood there motionless, watching him. He had grown into a young man; the cold temperament from childhood had transformed into a kind of nobility. The straight nose and arched eyebrows outlined his beauty, and the subtle stubble on his jaw reminded me of his maturity. Thinking of him eating pizza and watching cartoons, I couldn't help but smile.
He noticed my smile, and there was a hesitation in his speech. I gestured a shushing motion to him, and his gaze shifted elsewhere.
After the lecture, I found myself alone in the corridor of the teaching building, lost in thought. I carefully considered the letters exchanged with Ye Xi over the years, realizing they were filled with mundane details. I couldn't pinpoint the exact emotions I carried with me to Beijing, nor could I comprehend the sweetness I felt during the stroll on Nanjing East Road. I thought, perhaps it was jealousy toward Ye Xi— a resonance stronger than any other emotion. It wasn't just friendship, admiration, or the brotherly bond akin to what I shared with Kai. There was an unexplained yearning. I concluded that I had placed my passion for music onto him.
"Yan Feng! It's really you!" He joyfully patted my back.
"Ah, Xi Xi has grown up!" I turned around, opened my arms, and gave him a hug. "Congratulations! A pianist! A great pianist! You've finally realized your musical dreams!"
He smiled, two dimples appearing on his slender face, transforming the cool and pale complexion into a bright one.
"Let me take you out for a meal; you haven't been to Beijing before, right?" He spoke to me, contrasting starkly with his serious demeanor on stage. Compared to the past, he seemed more cheerful and adorable. He ran his fingers through the slightly long hair at his temple, and the strands neatly curved around his ears. A droplet of sweat fell from the tip of his hair, making it even shinier.
"Sure, you mentioned treating me to Peking duck before." I pulled him along, ready to leave, suddenly remembering his business in Beijing this time. "What about Professor Shan and Professors Chen and Zhou? Should we invite them too?"
"No worries, I happen to have a day off this afternoon. I came straight from Warsaw these past few days, attended many meetings, and had several interviews. Rarely do I get a break. I definitely had to come out by myself. And look, I coincidentally ran into you. How did you end up here?" He squinted his eyes, smiling.
"Oh, me? I just came for a casual visit. Let's go." I hurriedly led him away, afraid that someone might recognize him along the way and stop us for a chat.
"You're walking too fast."
"I have to fly back to Taipei tomorrow night, time is limited. We haven't seen each other in so many years; there's so much I want to talk to you about."
He remained silent, quietly quickening his pace to keep up with me. We got into a taxi at the school gate. As the window rolled down, we could hear voices outside, "Isn't that Ye Xi? Oh, the youngest ever winner of the Chopin Competition, right? Yeah, he just won the award and is giving a lecture at the school today." The voices faded away, and I felt a mix of envy and pride.
"Bro, let's go to the one in Wangfujing, Quanjude. Where should we go later? Every time I visit a city, I'm always in a hurry and don't have much time to explore. You must have researched where to go in Beijing."
"No, haha, it's my first time in Beijing, and I'm not very familiar. But we should go to the Forbidden City, right?"
"The Forbidden City is too crowded, especially on a Saturday. Let's go to the Summer Palace."
"Alright, the Summer Palace. I've heard of it, the summer palace that Empress Dowager Cixi spent a fortune renovating."
"How do you know so much?" He widened his eyes and chuckled.
"All from my grandma," I replied.
"Oh, by the way, what about Katherine? Didn't she come with you on the trip?"
I lowered my head, forced a smile, looked at his face earnestly, and squeezed out a sentence.
"We broke up."
"When did that happen? Ah, don't be too upset." He patted my shoulder again. I recalled years ago in Warsaw, pressing him on his shoulders when he was so frail. Now he could pat my shoulder with strength, and there was a familiar joy in that moment.
We ordered a whole roast duck, duck liver, assorted cold dishes, and sweet osmanthus yam, a dish I insisted on. I thought of the sweet osmanthus wine bean curd dessert in Taipei and imagined the osmanthus yam to be similarly fragrant. He handed me a rolled-up pancake, and I took it with a smile. My little brother had truly grown up. I looked at him sitting across from me, still the same as when he was a child—fair skin, dark curly hair, straight eyebrows and nose, handsome features mixed with a bit of melancholy softness, like a gender-neutral image, an ideal beauty beyond gender.
Beijing's autumn was dry and warm. Walking along the Long Corridor of the Summer Palace under the shade of willow trees, we felt a cool breeze. We ascended the Sea of Three Immortals, strolled past Penglai Pavilion and Yingzhou Isle. Finally, we sat on a bench by the Pavilion of Bright Scenery. The slanting sun cast a glow on the ripples of Penglai, making everything feel light.
"Where should we go later?" He checked his watch. "Oh, it's already 6:30."
"Well, let's see if there's anything to explore around the hotel. Are you hungry?"
"I'm not hungry. During competitions, my schedule is irregular. Sometimes I forget to eat while practicing."
"That's not a good habit, haha. Although I also often forget to eat. Lately, in Taipei, I've been preparing for a new album. It's been day and night. I've written several songs. When the album is ready, I'll send you a copy. Even though you don't listen to pop music, you have to give face to my album, right?"
"Of course! I'm looking forward to hearing your album!" He smiled wholeheartedly, his dimples deepening. "I should be releasing an album next year. I've been discussing the signing with Dezhi Records these days. They want me to release a Chopin first, followed by Liszt."
"Then I'll be the first to get your album. It's a deal." I stretched out my hands, placing them on the edge of the bench. Our pinkies touched. "Oh, where are you staying?"
"At the Four Seasons Hotel."
"Ah, me too. Come to my room later for a chat. I remember back in Warsaw, you sometimes snored at night, which was really funny. I always thought guys snore loudly, but not you. Your snoring is as gentle as your speech."
"Hahaha, really? I don't even remember. I just recall you treating me to pizza, it was delicious. Now that I've been abroad more often, I just crave Chengdu's noodles."
"I'm different from you; I don't have high expectations for things. As long as I can eat my fill, it's good enough. Let's head back; we can order room service. Can you drink? Oh, you're only eighteen; you have to be twenty to drink legally. Too bad, the hotel's red wine is good."
That night, we ordered a bowl of noodles, a salad, two bottles of Bordeaux wine - one Merlot, one Cabernet Sauvignon. The room's lights gradually dimmed with each glass of red wine consumed. We shared so much, pouring out the gaps of these past years to each other. He told me about his classmates in the music academy, and I described the glamorous prosperity and diversity of New York. With dreams for the future in our hearts, I complained about the small town in America, and we both condemned how my mom had torn apart Katherine and me. Filled with grievances from the past, I cried and laughed.
He teased me for being older than him and still crying. I asked him if he had someone he liked; he told me he had never been in a relationship. That made me happy, thinking of happier things. I vividly described the red brick buildings of Brooklyn, the hippie shops, and the ducks in Central Park during the day. At night, we encountered various strange people. I thought about how great it would be to bring him to New York someday.
Suddenly, he seemed a bit unsteady. I steadied him, and he slumped against me. I helped him sit up straight, and in the process, a few buttons of his pristine white shirt came undone, revealing his collarbone and the inch of skin below it. His curly hair brushed against my face. I couldn't tell if it was my face or his hair that was warming up. But how could hair feel warm?
Sometimes enlightenment can make people sad. However, the advantage of enlightenment is that there isn't much uncertainty. In the blink of an eye without a unit of time, life's most crucial decisions can be made. Just like that, my lips pressed against his, and to my surprise, he did not resist. He held me, helping me remove my T-shirt and khaki pants. I understood that unfamiliar other emotion — a desire I had never experienced. This enlightenment felt like the creation of the world, as if God had made the universe, and I had long cast God aside.
I can no longer recall the events of that night, but the sensory memories remain vivid. Ye Xi's soft skin, his smooth back, the dense hair entwined around my fingers, the most intimate part of his skin, my moist lips enveloping his naked and fervent desire, his damp tongue almost igniting another part of my illusionary sensations. We were not in a hurry to penetrate each other's bodies. After a night of exploration, we gradually became familiar with each other's bodies. He entrusted me with his softest privacy, beads of sweat forming on his spine. I carefully occupied his blissful haven. Initially, there was pain, followed by another kind of pleasure. I followed the alternation of his pain and pleasure, and together, we found the rhythm of happiness. I panted against his ear, his voice gentle like a murmuring stream, flowing softly like a gentle creek. As the gentle stream flowed, I became a part of him, flowing and merging into the infinite ocean. We embraced each other nakedly.
His warm body temperature resembled the temperature of the sea, his soft skin like gentle waves. I drifted in this endless ocean, the whole night, hoping it could last a lifetime.