When alone, it's always so hard to endure because I have to be with myself. The inner voice inexplicably becomes louder, and now there's another person in my mind, questioning me persistently. Thinking about the questions he asked me last night, I couldn't answer any of them — questions about God, about my feelings for him. At least, when all this began, neither of us betrayed the other. For now, I can only immerse myself in his beauty, his snow-white skin, the smoothness on the inside of his thighs, his slender fingers, his voice, his music. Just thinking about it, the desire within me ignites again, but unfortunately, he's not here now. He is an evil angel who ignited this fire but then disappeared, leaving me alone to be tormented by his serious questioning, seduced by his body. I can only search for the traces of the night left in this bed, but these scents are not enough to be an antidote. Let me die in the sweet fragrance he left behind, completely motionless.
Suddenly, the phone rang, and I really hated that ringtone. It shattered the sweetness, leaving only a tasteless plan.
"Hello, who is it?" I hastily answered the phone, just wanting to get it over with.
"Why are you so angry? It's me, your mom. Where are you now?" Every time I get angry, she always manages to suppress me with ten times the tone.
"Oh, I'm in Beijing. I'll take a plane back to Taipei after eleven tonight. I've been really tired these past few days, so I took a break with Juan and Long. I forgot to tell you that the contract is almost done, and Song Yaowen came to the studio a few days ago..." I was interrupted before I could finish my sentence.
"Don't be so rude. He is President Song, you should respect him."
"Okay, okay, President Song. I think he's really a wolf in sheep's clothing." I became even more impatient.
"Why are you so angry about such a trivial matter? I heard from Ah Long, it's just a kiss on your face. It's basic etiquette even in the United States; it's not a big deal. If you want to become famous, you have to give something in return. Besides, your talent hasn't been recognized yet. By the way, I just saw that the Wooden Boat Folk Singing Contest is recruiting. Ask Ah Long and Li Juan if you should participate. Also, you need to practice your singing skills. Although you minored in it in college, I always feel your foundation is not strong."
"Okay, got it. I'll talk to them in a meeting tomorrow." My patience had reached its limit, and I just wanted to get it over with.
"Hey, I'll ask them directly. Remember to pack your luggage, don't forget anything."
"Okay, I'll pack quickly. Bye." I hung up the phone, hearing the last "bye" as I pressed the button.
I looked at my phone; it was 5:23 in the afternoon. Thinking that Xi Xi wouldn't join me for dinner, I didn't feel like eating. I just wanted to savor his lingering taste before leaving this room. Whether it was due to fatigue or his fragrance, I fell into a drowsy sleep again. Until I heard someone knocking urgently on the door. I woke up abruptly and checked my phone; it was 8:58 in the evening. Xi Xi had returned. I reluctantly got up to open the door, feeling empty in my stomach and light-headed. I cautiously confirmed the person outside through the peephole, seeing him in a tuxedo, blushing. As soon as I opened the door, he rushed into my arms.
"Did you drink again?" I held him, and he became heavier, his entire body pressing against mine.
"A little bit. I'll take you to the airport. Have you eaten?" He struggled to articulate the words; I knew he couldn't handle alcohol well.
"Yeah, I had some. You really can't resist the temptation of alcohol. I haven't eaten yet." I smiled and helped him onto the bed.
"No, I have to drink a bit today. Wang Zhuo is here, and several presidents from the Music Association are also present. I have to drink a little. I'm fine; just a bit dizzy, can't stand steadily. You see, I can still talk." He sat on the edge of the bed, burying his head, speaking clearly, "Next year, the tour will start. I should sign with De Zhi Company immediately, and I also have to do the domestic tour. It's exhausting."
"So many people envy you, including me. Xi Xi, you're like a falling purple micro-star. Be good, go to work well." I touched his face.
Suddenly, he hugged me, looked up at me, his eyes almost seeing through my heart, his eyelashes flickering. I really wanted to kiss him deeply.
"I miss you. I will miss you."
I cradled his face and kissed him, filling the intervals between each kiss with words: "I know, I know, I know. I miss you too. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay." Following the curve of his body, my kisses flowed, touching his jawline, his Adam's apple, his collarbone.
"You might miss your flight."
"It's okay. I'll skip dinner; this is my dinner." I continued to move, undoing his white bowtie, the first button of his white shirt. I was a bit urgent, and a button fell off.
"My evening gown."
"Your evening gown, I'll buy you another one."
"Never mind, it's okay." He quickly undid the remaining buttons and took off his jacket.
I wanted to share unparalleled joy with him, using every means to make him firm until his fragrance changed from intense to tranquil, and he bestowed upon me his nectar. With this sweet rain, I extinguished the desire he ignited for me. I greedily delved into his honey pot until it was empty, then I could bestow upon him mine.
"Xi Xi, I love you." I whispered close to his ear.
"Brother, I love you too." These words seemed to escape with his every breath. I held him tightly, wanting to give him everything I had. Compared to relationships between men and women, relationships between men, or perhaps between women, are undoubtedly more intimate. If it's true that people can never fully understand each other, at least one man, compared to a woman, knows how to do things to make another man happy. Just like me and Hixi, I fully believe that I am not only his first intimate person, but I will be the one who makes him the happiest. And just as he understands me, he always manages to make me feel heavenly. It's because of the same-sex relationship that we always instinctively know how to fill each other's voids and accommodate each other's expansion. This continuous desire spreads across our bodies until it forms our world. In this world, I am his jazz singer, and he is the leader of my cult worship. We exist only for each other and harmonize together.
Such singing continues until our voices become hoarse, and then we rest. We slow down the pace, caressing each other. I lie on my back, and he rests in the curve of my arm, his hair scattered on my arm. As I watch his gradually calming breath, he becomes even more gentle, like a docile little lamb.
I couldn't resist running my fingers through his hair. He looked up at me, then mischievously and playfully smiled. Such a rare smile, followed by a fleeting moment.
"What time is it? Shouldn't you be leaving?" After each encounter, he always spoke with a calm tone, as if intentionally suppressing the excitement from moments ago.
"Do you want me to go so soon? You just said you'd miss me. You'll be sad when I'm gone. People change their minds when they sober up."
"No, it's not that. There's just not much time left. Yesterday, you said it's not a good habit not to eat. Look at yourself, doing the same. I think you should grab something at the airport."
"Alright." I checked my phone; it was 9:36. I sat up abruptly. "Indeed, it's a bit late. Let's go."
Hastily getting dressed, we both pulled up our pants, bending at the waist. I glanced up and found him looking at me. We suddenly burst into laughter, realizing that sometimes we really resembled each other.
After straightening our clothes, I put on my backpack, wore a hat, and sunglasses. Although I didn't want to wear sunglasses, Li Juan insisted, considering that the official announcement was only two months away. I grabbed Xi Xi, and we went to check out. In the hotel corridor, we ran into Li Li.
"Ah! Yan Feng! It's you! How did you come?" Her eyes and mouth widened, pointing at me with one hand.
"I came to congratulate you. Just that my record company has urgent matters. I arrived at the hotel and have to leave now. I heard from Xi Xi that you got fourth place. Congratulations!" I quickened my pace, trying to escape. I couldn't believe I came up with two lies in a split second. In fact, it was Bai Jingrui who told me that Li Li got fourth place.
"Sister, I'm going to see Yan Feng off now. I'll be back in a bit. I'll talk to you when I return." Xi Xi clearly wasn't adept at handling the situation. I glanced at his face, and he was blushing from his neck to his ears. I was a bit concerned about what he and Li Li might discuss later.
"Goodbye, see you next time. Hopefully, we'll meet often in the future." I grabbed Xi Xi's arm and quickly walked to the elevator. I didn't have time to see Li Li's expression. In a daze, I saw a figure standing in the middle of the corridor, appearing as if they knew everything.
We hurriedly checked out and hailed a taxi at the hotel entrance. Beijing's traffic was still congested even at 10:00 at night. I repeatedly asked the driver how long it would take to reach the airport, and he always said it would be about twenty minutes. I asked the driver to go faster. The two of us sat in the back seat, swaying like sardines in a can on a truck. Sometimes, Xi Xi's face almost touched the window on the left, and other times, I pressed against the right car door. I quite liked this swaying; it gave me many opportunities to touch him.
"Where are you guys from? Are you here for vacation?" The driver finally got on the expressway and started chatting with us.
"Yes, I'm from Taipei, and he's from Chengdu." I politely smiled and took off my sunglasses.
"Are you two brothers?"
"Hahaha, no, we're not. We're good friends, buddies." I placed my hand on Xi Xi's shoulder and hugged him a bit tighter.
"You guys do look quite alike, both handsome young men. You even have a celebrity vibe. You're from Taipei, are you a celebrity?"
"Hahaha, thank you, uncle. No, no, we're just regular people."
"Beijing has quite a few celebrities. I've driven for several before. I used to be a full-time driver, picking up people from Taiwan and Hong Kong. Lin Qingxia, Leslie Cheung, ah, Leslie Cheung was a pity. How could a good person like him choose such a path? I heard he was gay; did he go crazy because of this illness? Or was it because of that movie he acted in, oh, 'Farewell My Concubine'? I even drove him to the set at that time, before he got this illness. It's not easy for those in the arts, quite strange. I guess you could say he sacrificed for art, right?"
We lowered our heads, not speaking, and dared not look into each other's eyes, afraid that the awkwardness of this moment would turn into an undeniable sadness with eye contact.
"Ah, hahaha. I've said too much. You see, taxi drivers usually don't have much to do. Driving can be quite boring, so we chat with each other on the walkie-talkie to pass the time. We're almost at the airport; it shouldn't delay you much."
It seemed like drivers worldwide were particularly adept at reading cues. He didn't continue on that topic. I suddenly feared that he might have figured something out, so I forced out a smile.
"No problem, we're almost there. Thank you!"
I suddenly thought that perhaps our relationship would always pass through endless, overt and covert insinuations in the future, and this prospect felt a bit melancholic. It seemed like an endless journey. However, as I held his hand and walked to the security checkpoint, looking at his face, I found myself sinking again. I just wanted him to lead me into the unseen future. But at least our musical dreams would definitely come true. He had already become a legend, and I would fulfill my dream. He was the new star of classical music, and I would be the pop music giant. The thought filled me with excitement.
I looked at him again, his eyes shining. Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I wished to kiss him in the bustling airport, at the center of the world, on the stage before thousands of people. I wanted to ask loudly, just like Freddie Mercury or David Bowie: "Why can't we give love that one more chance?"
As I began to shed tears, he hugged me tightly.
"Brother, goodbye. I'll miss you." He smiled calmly, as if without any fear, even unaware of any threat. "Here's my phone number. Give me a call, okay? Emails are too slow."
I hugged him tightly, patting his back. Hearing his "goodbye" filled me with immense joy.
"Okay, Xi Xi. I'll come to Hanover to find you, that's a promise."