Yan Feng has left, and I don't know when we will meet again. I won't take his promises seriously. He is like his name, a free-spirited wind. He appeared suddenly in a lecture hall with hundreds of people. A smile from him could disrupt me, and now he is gone, roaring in my ears, drowning out the noise of the airport.
It's okay this way. I can temporarily forget about the romantic night and continue to be a good student in front of all the teachers. I tell them that winning the Chopin Gold Award is just the first step in my musical career. Many people might think I'm being modest, but the underlying message is that when I start from a high point, no matter how I walk, it will always be higher.
Such words suit me well, not because I want to play a role, but because I simply don't care how others evaluate me. In their misunderstandings, I and the mundane world always maintain a safe distance. When they guess my meaning correctly, I find it interesting. In the interplay of misunderstanding and understanding, there is a pleasure in the game. That's why I'm always good at telling the truth. I enjoy their speculations, making them feel that I am unpredictable, possessing the mysterious aura of an artist.
Just like yesterday's banquet, they were all enthusiastic again. The banquet was indeed boring, and I can't even remember what I ate. Whether it's the effect of alcohol or the increasing frequency of such gatherings lately, every dinner like this feels the same to me. Moreover, yesterday's restaurant was a vegetarian one, a trend in the Beijing circle for upscale dining. However, I like such occasions — elegant modern Chinese decor, exquisite presentation, pleasing wooden latticework partitions. People's voices ring like coins, melodious in the right lighting, reminding me that what we consume is not just food but money. Only then do I feel I've earned enough respect.
Professor Zhou, Professor Chen, Professor Dan, Li Li, and in attendance were also Yu Yong, the artistic director of the China Philharmonic Orchestra, composer Cheng Gang. Clearly, I was the most important protagonist in their conversations. Most importantly, there was Wang Zhuo. He even brought his daughter Wang Zhen to the banquet. He has helped me a lot. The Japan tour should be happening as early as next year, and after that, I should be able to sign a contract with De Zhi quickly. In August, there's also a tour in the United States. Perhaps I might see Yan Feng again.
Oops, why did I think of him again? The matter with him might be the first and possibly the last time.
Thinking about the three intimate encounters with him, perhaps more, in the night, I can't remember exactly, in the bathroom, before he left, his hair cascaded down, and the tips swayed across my abdomen, making me feel like tiny electric shocks. Beneath that, there was a more intense pleasure. He always knew what I wanted, skillfully prolonging this pleasure as much as possible. After it reached its peak, he would lead me into another kind of pleasure mixed with pain. I couldn't see his eyes, only hear his joyful breath. I closed my eyes, thinking about his past with others. Would Katherine give him the same joy?
Thinking of this, I tightened my grip on his hand, urging him to walk faster, deeper, as if doing so could provide him with a thrill he couldn't experience with Katherine. Even though it would make me feel more pain, I was willing.
And so, here I am at the airport, standing alone, foolishly recalling my own foolish devotion. No, not devotion. I, too, experienced unprecedented happiness, an incomparably sweet sensation. I'm not missing Yan Feng; I miss this experience, the ultimate and novel experience.
The phone rang, and I really detest this cliché ringtone. Just as I was immersed in ethereal memories, it yanked me back to reality with a thud. I glanced at the phone screen, and it was Li Li.
"Hello, what's up?"
"When are you coming back? Professor Yu is asking if we should go to the orchestra together tomorrow."
"What time?"
"Do you have plans tomorrow? It's a great opportunity, and if you're not going, I'll just go by myself. Professor Shan has something to attend to and will leave early. You should come back earlier to bid him farewell. Aren't you going on a tour in Japan in March?"
She seemed to be eating something, and I could hear the sound of her chewing.
"Yes, sure. I'm heading back now. Let's have breakfast together at 8 AM tomorrow," I softened my tone.
On the way back to the hotel, I thought about many things. The Chopin competition felt like a coming-of-age ceremony, and the most important ritual was separating me from the past. This time, my mother didn't accompany me, and next year, I have to complete all my travels alone with many strangers. When I am affirmed with the highest award, people automatically assume that everything else about me should also be affirmed. In reality, I am not as perfect as they think. I am clueless about contracts, making money, dealing with strangers, and even some things I don't yet know I'll face.
However, I'm not afraid. I enjoy the feeling of charging ahead, just like winning the gold prize. My success feels natural, and as long as I can continue playing the piano, everything else will fall into place.
It was already 11:50 when I returned to the hotel room. Lying in bed, I picked up my phone and glanced at the screen—17 unread messages, all from the same unfamiliar number. Is it Yan Feng? It must be him! A wave of intense joy surged through me, making my blood vessels swell, feeling a rush of heat from my heart to my legs in an instant. When he walked through the security checkpoint, I thought he had already broken up with me, or maybe it couldn't even be considered a breakup—we just wouldn't see each other again. I was truly foolish, presumptuous, a pessimistic fool.
Urgently, I opened each text message. "Xi Xi, I miss you." "I miss you so much! (English)" "My angel, I just bought a chocolate from the vending machine. No matter how I eat it, it tastes bitter because I've tasted you. There's nothing sweeter than you." ...
Without much thought, I called him. It was turned off. Yes, he was on a plane, unable to answer the phone. I would definitely give him a call early tomorrow. What should I say? "I miss you too." "I'm going to Japan in March, and the cherry blossoms will be in bloom..." With these thoughts, no matter how I tried to suppress them, the bedside lamp was so bright, the warm light making the room feel hot. Thinking of his flushed face, slightly parted lips, sweat condensing into sparkling droplets on the tip of his nose, a fiery sensation surged up. I could only use my hand to extinguish it until it finally became more subdued, its arrogance no longer so overwhelming, but still, I couldn't fall asleep.
So, I kept looking at the text messages on my phone, eager for time to pass quickly, until the numbers on the screen turned to 3:51, and a new message lit up the phone screen.
"Xi Xi, good night. I've arrived in Taipei. I'll call you tomorrow; hope I didn't disturb your sleep." I immediately pressed the call button, and in less than a second, the call went through. "..." I didn't know what to say, just focusing on my rapid breathing. "Hello, Xi Xi, is it you?" He paused and spoke very gently, "Why aren't you asleep yet?" "Can't sleep," I managed to say those three words. He took a deep breath, sounding like a mix of laughter and tears. "I'll come to see you next month." The promise resounded from the other end of the phone, and then his tone became lighter, "It's okay now; we have the phone. You can call anytime." "I'm sorry; I didn't see your message just now." I felt a bit guilty for my lack of trust. "I thought you were already asleep. It's so late, and after yesterday... you must be tired." "No, I've been thinking about us and work. Can't stop thinking about it." "I should be the one to apologize. I hope I didn't hurt you too much."
I suddenly felt a wave of dizziness, my heart racing, as an excess of blood rushed to my brain, making me a bit lightheaded. My cheeks and ears started to flush again.
"No..." I started to say, and then I wanted to add, "I miss your body."
"I really want to hold you and fall asleep slowly. It's too late today; you should go to sleep quickly." He whispered to me with a gentle voice.
"I'll be touring the United States in August next year. Can you take me to Soho, take me to Brooklyn?" I finally said this sentence. I usually don't like handing over the initiative through requests to others. Suddenly, I felt a sense of relief, followed by regret.
"That sounds amazing! I've been looking forward to this day. We can go to Manhattan, visit MoMA, the Metropolitan Museum, see the Temple of Dendur. In the evening, we can attend cocktail parties and chat with friends if you're interested. And, of course, I must take you to see my favorite Broadway operas..." He suddenly became very excited.
I felt so happy, with a myriad of artworks and colorful stages flashing before my eyes. Most importantly, Yan Feng's face, his radiant smile, and bright eyes. I wanted to hold his hand, kiss his soft lips again. In New York, could we walk hand in hand on the streets? Could we kiss without any reservations? I thought of so much, but I couldn't express any of it. I heard men speaking an unfamiliar southern dialect on his side and flight announcements in various languages. Suddenly, I realized he was still at the airport. Instinctively, I glanced at my phone screen again, 3:55.
"Have you picked up your luggage? Is someone picking you up?" I asked.
"Not yet. Someone from the agency will pick me up."
"Hurry and get your luggage. Take your time to rest when you get back. Goodbye."
"Wait, let me give you one more kiss." I heard a soft smooching sound, a bit adorable.
"Okay, goodbye." I replied with an even softer kiss.
After ending the call, I still tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Thinking about the separation from Yan Feng, looking forward to our reunion. Tomorrow, or rather today, I'll meet Professor Dan again. In a few days, I'll be back in Chengdu. We'll meet again, perhaps for another round of dinners. Until February next year, I should officially leave my hometown, heading to Japan, then the United States, and later Germany. From then on, I'll begin my wandering musical journey. At eighteen, so many things have happened, as if everything rushed in like a tide, and I unexpectedly drifted along with it, enjoying the excitement within.
But for me, all definite farewells are temporary, whether it's with Professor Dan, Li Li, or Yan Feng. Hearing their voices erases any feelings of distrust, and we will meet again. For my young self, every departure, every feeling of sadness, is like the gradually brightening sky outside the window. The night gets darker, but come morning, the dawn will make it bright again.