I woke up with an eerie silence and darkness surrounding me.
Does death feel like this?
It was strangely comforting, I wished to prolong that peaceful nihility I was feeling. I don't think we are supposed to wake up though or maybe I lack knowledge.
No person after dying can tell us what happens in the afterlife. I opened my eyes slowly to see the room dimly lit while a gentle wind seemed to flow from the balcony. Scent of Chrysanthemum filled the room.
An overwhelming feeling of nostalgia came over me....
This can't be
I sat up straight with panic and uneasiness. My eyes scan my surroundings. I was sitting on the same golden mattress and soft silky blankets.
Hic hic mph...
Tears streamed down my face. I buried my face in the pillow to muffle my voice.
Is this an Illusion?
After nearly an hour of sobbing, I calmed myself down. I was still stuck in reverie of real and the surreal but I still wanted to give myself into this stimulation of reality or perhaps fantasy.
My feet slowly touched the soft yet warm carpet of my room. This place is still the same just like in my memory. I had left this dukedom for 10 years to live in the luxury of the palace walls. But not one day in that place was blissful, even though I know the cause of it all was me.
The probable one moment who brought happiness to me would be the day I held my baby girl in my hands. I wish to hold her once again but I know that wish isn't going to come true in any life.
I walked around slowly as my eyes looked at everything, the soft gold walls which had chrysanthemum drawn on it. I used to love those flowers so much but I never got to see one after I left this place.
I wonder if he did that purposefully. I deserved it anyway. My closet was opposite to my bed. Adjacent to my bed my balcony overlooked the garden of chrysanthemums.
I have no pitiful back story. At least, I don't think so, in the end it was me who chose to do all that. The one responsible for my misery is no one but me. In fact the more I elaborate on my horrible past, you would only come to hate me.
And I welcome it nonetheless, as I know it's what I deserve. I have no reason to act as though I have done nothing wrong or try to justify myself. It's quite the fairytale story.
I was the beloved young daughter of Duke Reynold who presides over the Southern Alavaria, Selomen. I was brought up to be a kind and sweet person, it went quite well with how I looked, ummm, ah, yes, they used to call me the heaven's pure angel to reside in this blessed kingdom. Even though I had a loving family, I wonder why I turned into the way I was.
I learned to use my looks to get what I want. Under all that 'kind' nonsense, I was nothing but a manipulative fox. For some reason, I used to find all this angel thing as a burden. My looks almost tried to shape my personality.
They were like a base for everything, each time, one looked at me and people would already be saying I can never do something wrong or have even swatted a fly away or that I was a fragile butterfly.
I know It's supposed to be a compliment but I never felt that way. I am not sure how to put my words, but I never liked being judged like that. As though I was some pretty damsel in distress. People would instantly treat me like a delicate flower that would break with slightest touch.
I absolutely hated and resented that I had to live like that. I don't like people judging me, if I do something out of my character, I would be judged and scorned.
There was this one time when I had a fever but my family went absolutely nuts and called all the doctors they could. Can people even believe it if I say they dared to try and call the imperial physician. But of course they would be fine with it, after all, I am the god's blessed child.
The Saintess, and believe it when I say I wanted to choke the priest when he said I was a divine being. Apparently he had never seen anyone with this much holy energy. Expectations were so burdensome that they suffocated me.
They expected me to be the epitome of kindness and sweeter than mango. But I don't want to be like that, I want to be able to be angry at others when I want to, not just forgive them and smile 'it's okay!!!'
I could only think of reaping the benefits I could with that useless title. Anyways, coming to the part I had finally found bliss, the crown prince of my kingdom, Alavaria. He was the only person who could look through my facade, he expressed such disgust towards me acting like a cute and kind person.
He would say I was a fake person, yeah I know, it's weird how I fell for him but I just did. It's just, I was happy that someone could see that I was more than an Angel. It also became my life's goal to make this guy fall for me and embrace me for who I am.
Guess what that resulted in, practically nothing. I don't hate him, to be honest I still have feelings for him. Funny that it still lingers even after he killed me. Well, I did love him for a decade, they won't just pop and become nothing. I wish for that to happen though.
I wonder how he even managed to bear me for that long. I was worse than a witch. Even when the marriage was bestowed upon us two by the Emperor, he clearly told me he doesn't like me and that he would treat me with respect. I just told him arrogantly how he would fall for me.
But that didn't happen, as the days went, his disgust and dislike turned into pure hatred and resentment. I forced everything with him, even with the child, I put aphrodisiac in his tea, thinking that probably, he would love me. But he just screamed and said I had raped him.
That was the breaking point for me, I slowly started realising how terrible of a person I had become even though I was still stuck in the phase of denial. When I tried making it up, a new rival entered.
With luscious dark red hair and moon-like silver eyes, a palace maid caught the attention of him. She undoubtedly was a beauty but just something about her would make people steer away from her. I guess it was the cold and rude outlook she had, that people stayed away from her, quite unlike me.
She was an honest person who would speak her mind and many people found that extremely rude about her. She became a hated existence without even trying.
I didn't have the luxury of acting like that and it truly made me envy her. But she kept on catching the king's eye. Her thoughtless remarks seemed to always catch him off guard, before he even knew it he had fallen head over heels for her.
It was then I was struck with jealousy, I was already trying so hard to hurt her so that she could stay away from what was mine.
I truly had not learnt my lesson, and finally broke the last string by trying to altogether kill her. He was furious and in the end I could do nothing but accept my death. I didn't even try to protest when he personally beheaded me.
What possibly hurt me would be my young daughter's death, I wish he would have given her a chance. And I did plead for her but he didn't agree. Thinking of her personality, she would 100% try to avenge me.
I brought her up to be someone extremely different from me, I didn't want her to suffer through the crap I had endured. I made her extremely open minded and to always think of herself and not others.
She didn't disappoint me, my darling daughter had a fiery personality and with her sheer determination she could achieve anything she desired. I didn't want her to be stuck in the shackles I could no longer escape.
Wait, hadn't I hid her in the east coast mansion of Biloria?
It was in the middle of nowhere and I personally sent her away with my trusted maid. But my maid returned to die with me, that stupid woman tried to take the blame on herself. Then out of nowhere my daughter appeared as well, not only was I stupefied but even the maid.
Just what could have happened?
Maybe he found her.
I had the luxury of having my daughter's love, she was the only person who had accepted my true personality. Ugh, it's tearing me up again. Nuria, baby, I miss you so much.
Can't my daughter be with me?
"Oh why can't I?"
What?