"I like you...a lot...not as a friend..."
While standing on that overpass bridge, I suddenly felt my head swelling, and my face getting hot. I looked at Alec trying to think of something to say. Why am I not rejecting what he just said? Maybe I heard him wrong. My heart is pounding and my brain is on hyperdrive trying to find a response for him.
"Don't judge and hate me please." The next thing I heard from him.
My brain is behaving like a computer doing a process of elimination to sort things out. It deducted that hate isn't one of the emotions I am feeling right now. If it isn't hate, then what is it? Disgust? No! Far from it. Angry? No. Disappointed? No. Thankful? Somehow, it feels closer to that but not exactly. Happy? Glad?.... Those seem to be fitting. But.....why would I feel happy to hear those words from him? I need my brain to process quickly.
My eyes are focused on the passing vehicles while my brain is searching like a web browser.
"Your silence is telling me what I fear." Alec sounded defeated.
Ignoring that we were standing on a public overpass bridge with vehicles passing under us with so much frequency, I faced Alec and moved closer. My left hand somehow started moving to hold Alec's face gently. I look at his beautiful hazel eyes. It is mesmerizing. Alec didn't move and kept his eyes on me. As fast as the vehicles below were passing creating loud noises, I felt like I was in slow mode with no background noise whatsoever. My body seemed to be moving on its own. I felt every tiny movement my lips were making as it got closer to Alec's face. Slightly open, and tingling, the warmth of my lips landed on his lips. My brain is questioning what my body is doing but my body is winning. Both my hands are now cupping his face as my kisses become harder and deeper. Kissing him felt nice and sweet. Alec rendered a passionate kiss back as if he was quenching his thirst.
I feel serene, and light with thoughts I never imagined I would have in this kind of situation.
'This feels good....and right....and perfect, that I don't want to stop.'
Alec held my shoulders gently and slowly pushed me away from his body. It was enough to wake me up. I looked down unable to look at his face. I can barely hear him whispering.
"Do you know what you are doing?".
I shook my head slowly.
His tone was soft but louder this time.
"Do you know how this is making me feel?".
I shook my head again and looked at him. "I don't know why I did that. But....I like it...a lot"
Even without looking at him, I can sense his confused state of mind with his firm voice.
"Do you like kissing or do you like me?"
What is the right answer to his question? How do I answer him when I don't know the answer myself?
My brain is searching for the answer. This is not right for me. It is not something I would normally do. What the fuck am I doing? I am a carefree 17-year-old guy who has a perfect plan to hook up with his sister. How did I end up wanting to devour him?
I can't start this kind of messy complication in my life. This is a mess that will drastically change my current unnoticed, simple, and mundane life. However, as confused as I am, my brain may be denying it, but my body is screaming that I want it.
I slowly lifted my head to look at him hoping there was something I could magically do to erase the last half an hour for both of us.
My silence is not helping the situation that Alec finally gave up waiting for an answer.
"Maybe you need time to figure out what that was all about. I won't allow you to use me as your exploration tool, Gian."
I stood frozen as Alec walked away slowly disappearing from my sight. I stood on that bridge alone for a while thinking about what just happened and why. This is so unexpected of me. I thought I knew myself well. I thought I had full control of shaping my life. I thought I was doing so well in manipulating situations to get the outcome I wanted. I thought I was on a path of my choosing. I thought ....I think....
I think...
.....I like Alec.
.....I want him.