I didn't know how long I sat there but it didn't matter to me. I decided not to go anywhere until I talked to Rhys. I deserve a little explanation, don't I?
But eventually, he came out with two steaming mugs in hand and took a seat next to me. He handed one over.
„It's a bit cold." Meanwhile, he noted. I looked into the mug but it was just hot chocolate. „It's not coffee." He said with a small smile on his face when he saw my disappointment. „In my mom's opinion caffeine is not good for your heart so she doesn't keep it at home." He didn't say anything else.
I clutched the mug with one hand and reached for his with the other to squeeze it. I wanted to let him know that I was by his side no matter what. He was there when I needed him, now it was my turn.
"My mom... she is not well." He searched for the words. "Since my father died. She is very nice and understanding, but she's not strong at all, neither physically nor mentally. My dad was her life. Of course, she also loved us, loved us very much but it cannot be compared to the love she felt for her husband. His death broke her and nothing will ever be the same. Even the doctor can't really explain what happened. It's like I have two mothers. One of them knows about my father's death and is eternally sad, and the other one doesn't know and always waits for him to walk in the door and kiss her. I don't even know which of them has it worse." He sighed tiredly. „Mom doesn't know she is sick. Her doctor said it would be better if she didn't find out because it could make her condition worse. Usually, she doesn't change so quickly, but today's excitement must have been too much for her. Sometimes she stays the same for weeks. But don't get me wrong, she doesn't have a split personality or anything like that! I believe that it would have been so painful for her to face the fact that she created a world for herself where Dad was still with her. But she's not crazy! Please don't believe that."
He became quiet and I didn't say anything. I had to digest this. Who am I to judge your mother for anything? After all, I have Seth here. Maybe we're all a little crazy. But can this process be reversed or will it only get worse? I want to get rid of Seth, it would be good for me. But maybe it wouldn't be good for Mariah if she had to say goodbye to her husband for good. Everywhere, definitely.
I felt nothing for Mariah but pity for the way life had dealt her so cruelly. But unfortunately, it doesn't treat anyone with a soft hand.
„Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" I asked then.
„I was afraid of your reaction. That's why I waited for you to see it with your own eyes. Some people called her crazy after I told them this. I just... I didn't want you to think the same way." So it is understandable why he was so reluctant. He was afraid, Rhys was afraid.
„You shouldn't have worried about that." I smiled despite the gravity of the situation. His hesitation only shows how important I am to him. „I would never..." I would never do anything to hurt you. But this is not true. I already did, but I can't tell you. „I would never say anything bad about your mother because I know it would hurt you. And I don't want to hurt you." At least that was true.
He put down his mug and tried to pull me closer, but didn't pay attention to my mug so it almost spilt on us. I laughed as I gently pushed him away to put mine down so he could hug me easily.
"Thank you." He whispered into my hair as he tightened his hold on me.
"You understand him, but will he do the same to you?" Seth. Why did he have to ruin such a pleasant moment? "Or will he condemn you? Forsake and break you?" He lowered his voice and gave it a tragic tinge. "What if he discovers that you killed me? If he finds out, right? Because you have no intention of telling him. Why? Don't you trust him?
I didn't want to pay attention to him but his words echoed in my mind like a stupid song that people can't get out of their heads. The dead should really stay dead. They must not leave behind ghosts, guilt and doubt.
Rhys leaned back a little and blew a string of kisses on my nose, then on my eyes, and finally kissed me with all his might. Then he just held me in his arms, neither of us moved. Now he gave a little more of himself and I appreciated that. That way I understood him a little better. I also wanted to give more of myself, but I didn't know what and how to do it.
"Do you understand why I can't forgive that drunk truck driver?" He whispered very softly. "He didn't just steal my father from me, but also my mother. Since then my family has not been the same. We tried to pretend that nothing had happened but it was difficult for us." He sighed. "I want to be a good person one day." He wasn't looking at me but at the sky. "Good enough to be able to forgive. But that day may never come.
He looked so hopelessly sad. Is it such a terrible thing if we can't forgive? I know I will never be able to do it. Unfortunately, there are many unforgivable things. Does that make me worse than others? The fact that I don't even want to try it?
"You are not a bad person, Rhys!"
No, he is not. If he is 'bad' then there is no one who is 'good'. He... He... I can't put into words what kind of person he is. He is all I need and he will never know it. Nor how much a glance, a smile or a kind word means. Or his kiss. How much more beautiful and better it made my days. It was partly because of him that I learned to smile again and open up to people, without him and Shannon, I would never have taken those first hesitant steps. There are so many things I would like you to know, but I am afraid of the finality of the words spoken, that if I say them there would be no going back. And if he doesn't think the same way... I'm afraid of so many things and I don't find enough courage in myself.
„You are not. You know, you aren't." He smiled faintly.
„Thank you for your confidence in me." He muttered and pressed a kiss on my cheek. I lowered my eyes. What kind of trust?
„That man had a daughter. She was a cute little girl. Of course, she has grown up quite a bit since then. After the accident, I visited his family and became friends with Lana. That was her name, and her mother might have been Melinda but I am not sure anymore. She understood me a little but couldn't accept that I wanted the harshest punishment for her husband. He was eventually convicted of negligent homicide. After that, I visited his family for a while to see if everything was okay with them, but Melinda hated it when I was there and Lana became more and more hostile." He smiled a little sadly. „After a while, I stopped these visits, but I continued to support them. We were never rich, but Dad had shares, so I was able to help out a little. But one day the check I sent came back and I haven't heard from them since. I don't know where they are or how they are. Although I seem to have heard something that Melinda got divorced because she found someone, but I can't be sure of that." He let go and put his head in his hands. I wanted to do something to ease his pain, but I didn't know how to do it. I just looked at him helplessly. „My father wouldn't be proud of me." He murmured. „He was a really good person. He would not have been angry with that man, at most he would have scolded him for drunk driving. He wouldn't have wanted revenge like I did."
„You didn't take revenge." I protested vehemently. „He only got what he deserved for his carelessness and irresponsibility. I don't like people who don't think things through and don't consider other people before they act." I wonder if this is why I don't like myself? I didn't think about the consequences of Seth's death at all.
„But he didn't do it on purpose. He asked for our forgiveness crying. Maggie and I turned away but Mom gave her a handkerchief and tried to calm him down. How can we do this to a person who has only harmed us? I could hardly bear to look at him. My father would surely scold me and say: 'Son, that's not how I raised you.' Meanwhile, he would shake his head regretfully." I gently touched his face and turned him towards me.
„I am sure he is proud of you. You work tirelessly every day to make people feel better and safer. You support your family and don't do anything stupid. I don't know anyone who would care about the family of a man whose irresponsibility killed someone important to them. You're incredible, truly." I searched his face to see if I could find at least one answer. Does he really exist? Here, with me? Why does he want me? What did I do to deserve him? When will he change his mind and leave? „It's unbelievable that you exist.." The corners of his mouth curled up.
„No, it isn't." He waved nonchalantly. „I'm quite an ordinary guy. Maybe I just have a little too much sense of responsibility. I am a fool." He shook his head sadly. „After all, only fools want to change the world alone."
„Good thing I like fools." I mumbled and his smile widened.
„Thank you for being here with me and listening all the way through." He pulled me closer and hugged me again. „I didn't want to dump everything on you, but today reminded me of these events and it was a bit much for me."
„You don't have to apologize." I stroked his face. He had a little bit of stubble, but it didn't bother me. It felt good just to touch it. It felt good to know that I could do it whenever I wanted. „I'm actually glad you said that because it made me realize how little I know about you. I would like to know more."
„And what do you want to hear?" He looked at me mischievously. „Dirty little secrets?" He asked in a low voice, then winked and I laughed.
„Maybe we can talk about that one day, but first you could tell me about your childhood." He thought about it.
„Okay." He agreed. „But then you tell me about yours too."
„I don't have much to say." I immediately put up my walls.
„But I want to know even that little bit." I nodded hesitantly. „So my childhood was... amazing. My parents were always understanding, yet consistently strict. If I did well in school, there was no problem, but if my grades were bad, they had a talk with me and checked me. I remember one of my conversations about this with my dad. He didn't say the usual cliché that you study for yourself, not for me and the rest. He said: 'Son, maybe you don't know what path you want to take in this life, so it's important to keep your options open. You never know where life will take you, or what kind of knowledge will be useful, so it's good if you're relatively good at everything. I'm sure some things will never interest you, or at least you think so now, but as we grow up and meet other people, so do we and our interests change. One or two bad marks are not the end of the world, I'm not asking you to be the best student, just think about your future. Don't study because others expect it from you, but because you expect it from yourself. So that you can be a support for others. So that you can be your own support and not rely on others. Believe me, a man is a real man if he can support himself and his family.' Perhaps he didn't say it exactly like that, but he said something similar. His way of thinking is a little old-fashioned, but his heart has always been in the right place."
„Let's clear something up." I quickly interjected. „I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself."
„I know." He smiled at me lovingly. „Maybe that's why I like you so much. You work hard to help the people important to you and you would never pass this responsibility on to someone else. I like your independence. I've never met a girl like you." I'm sure of that.
„Because there is no one like me." I joked but he just looked at me seriously.
„But now it's your turn." He said. „Tell me something about yourself."
And I started telling stories. It was a filtered version, but still the truth. Then it was his turn, and mine again. This went on until night fell.
He took me home and kissed me goodbye. And I hid in my bed contentedly and closed my eyes like I hadn't in a long time.