The next day I was all alone at home. I tried to occupy myself, but whatever I started couldn't hold my attention for long. Even the coffee didn't taste as good as usual and the silence was so loud that I started to think I was going crazy.
I suddenly jumped up, grabbed my jacket and hurried to the car. If I don't leave home, I will surely lose my sanity.
The weather was sad that day, with a grey sky and grey clouds. The whole world seemed gloomy and hopeless, as I felt.
Since I had no destination, I just went where the road took me. This moment also characterized my life well. I have no idea where I'm going. I broke up with Rhys to protect him, but what else do I want from this life?
I always thought that I would work hard to support my family until my last hour. But this already... It doesn't seem right. What do I want? What do I want to do in this life? I felt like I'd hit a wall and I'm just... I was so tired.
I thought I needed some air, even if I got wet, because, of course, I didn't have an umbrella.
The neighbourhood was a bit familiar, but I didn't know why until I walked past a cemetery. Seth's final resting place.
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Seth's grave. 'Seth Michels' And under it: 'Your memory lives forever in our hearts.'' You can't even imagine how true the words were that were engraved here. It's a shame that these weren't fond memories.
Seth. You ruined my life and I ended yours. Was there no other way we could have chosen? Just this one? What would have happened if I hadn't done what I did? Then I'll never meet Rhys? Would nothing have changed? Would you continue to torture me and I would remain silent?
According to it, it is true that each of our actions affects our situation and our future. I steered my life in the right direction with a bad act. I became happy at the cost of your life. Is all that I had gained worth something?
Sometimes I doubt it. If I were to apologize, would you forgive me? And me? How banal! How can I apologize for killing you? We do this when we step on someone's foot or accidentally break something. But I took a life. And not by accident.
„Forgive me, God," I whispered looking up at the sky.
„You're sending that apology in the wrong direction." A hatefully familiar voice rang out. This time, Seth's ghost or whatever was dressed in a black suit and his hair was slicked back.
„Are you looking for an apology?" I muttered turning away from him.
„What I want, I will never get." He said all this without emotion. „I wonder why you're here. Perhaps you have come to mourn your beloved brother?" He scoffed.
„I don't know why I'm here," I admitted. „I guess I'm still looking for answers."
„Why don't you accept that there are no answers to certain questions?" I shrugged. „But you could answer one of mine. Do you still hate me?" This surprised me.
„I don't want to hate you." That was true. „After all, hating is like taking poison and waiting for the death of the other. At least that's what they said on TV. But for the first time in my life, I want to live. Smile, hug, play music. I want to do things that make me happy. I want to start a new life and be who I would have been without you. And if I can no longer be that, I still want to be different from who I am now. But if I hated you in the meantime... Hatred would lurk like dark shadows under the light and smile, and I would be afraid that it would suddenly break out. I want to let go of my hatred, but I don't know how."
„Be honest." He said smiling for some reason. I wished it had always been like this. „Admit how much you hate me and then slowly let go of that feeling. You can take your time with it. Absolve us both of our sins and then move on. And tell the truth to the people who matter to you."
„People who matter to me?" I repeated his words.
„People whom you love.
„It's not that simple." I sighed. „Love somehow always reevaluates things. Because what is acceptable and not so serious in my eyes may be unacceptable in others. So maybe love is not the shaping force, but the perspective of the one we love. That changes everything."
„So you admit you love them?" He inquired with a searching look. There was no need to highlight who it was.
„Yes, I love them." Admitting it was surprisingly easy.
„Then you know what to do." I nodded even though I didn't. „Let go of the past and everything bad about it, then be honest." He explained.
„How can I let it go?" I was at a loss. „Yes, I hated you and every single day. Your touch, your hideous smiles and your eyes that spoke volumes. I felt something bubbling up inside me every single time I saw you and I had to hold it back with force. I felt like I was burning from the inside. I hated you so, so much!" Tears started rolling down my face, but I didn't care. „I hated you because I once loved you and hated you because this feeling never completely went away. I hated you for completely ruining me and never showing an iota of remorse. I hated you because Mother loved you and I hated you when you were nice to Ailish. And I still hate you, but I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to waste any feelings on you, not even a single thought. I want to forget you, although I know it's impossible. I want... That you finally disappear! To forgive me, which is strange but true. To forgive myself. I..." The words came out of me stuttering. „I just want to live without this hate controlling my life." I turned to him but he was nowhere to be found. He simply became fog. Which was not surprising, considering that he had never been solid, yet it was unexpected.
The gently pattering rain started to turn to snow and I looked up at the gray sky. Would that be your answer? Shall we become as white and pure as freshly falling snowflakes? Do you think so?
I sighed loudly and walked out of the cemetery. On the way, I quickly wiped the traces of my tears from my face. I felt empty, but this feeling was not always bad.
I have the opportunity to fill this void with something else. With laughter, happiness, sunshine, love and so much more. I suddenly started missing my family. Their acceptance and kindness.
I looked at my watch. Maybe they're home already, but if not, I could throw something together for dinner. I wasn't a great cook, but I could whip up something simple if I followed the recipe. It would certainly be nice for Mother to have a hot meal waiting for her that she didn't have to prepare.
My cell phone started playing music and my heart started pounding. It was a foolish hope, but it disappeared only when I saw the name of the caller. I pursed my lips.
„Hi, Ailish!" I said hello and tried to sound more enthusiastic.
„Hello. Mom told me to call you and ask when you're coming home. Dinner is slowly getting ready."
„Great minds think alike." I muttered. „I am on my way." I answered truthfully. „How was your day?" I wanted to enjoy these everyday, trivial things a little. We take it for granted that we'll have a chance to chat aimlessly, but my time was coming to an end. It was a strange feeling, bittersweet but still with the promise of relief.
„I had a great time today." She replied really cheerfully. I could see her smile. „The boy I mentioned earlier asked me to work with him on the literature project. Do you think that means he likes me?" She lowered her voice, probably so Mother couldn't hear her.
„I don't know, but here's your chance to find out. And even if he doesn't like you now, I'm sure that by the time you're done with the project, he'll fall for you." After all, Ailish was an adorable and bright girl. She was someone with a great future ahead of her. It's a shame I won't get to witness it.
„You think so?" She giggled like a young girl falling in love for the first time. But I guess that was the case.
„Of course." I had no doubts. „I got to my car so I hung up the phone. I will see you soon." After she said goodbye to me I terminated the call.
I'm going to have fun with my family tonight. I will not think about tomorrow and especially not about the future. I pretend only today exists. I pretend that there is only happiness in the future and no difficulties.
This will be our last dinner, but... They don't need to know that.