Rhys drove me to his own place and I didn't protest. The last time I was here, we got a little closer, but things almost ended badly. I needed some reassurance then, as I did this time too.
He politely opened the door for me, let me in, and then offered me a soft drink as if it were a courtesy visit. We sat down on the couch.
"You were fantastic." He said while not taking his eyes off me. The gold dots were shining. "I knew you'd be good, but wow...
"I didn't even win." I muttered and even though I didn't want to cry until now, I wanted to at that moment. It would have brought relief, but I was unable to. I couldn't squeeze out a single miserable tear. Why can't I cry?
"I'm not saying that you were the best because I am not an expert in music. But if you keep working hard, you will definitely get results. Unfortunately, sometimes it's not enough even if we do everything in our power." His gaze suddenly went blank. Was that last sentence for me or you?
I snuggled closer to him, I didn't like to see him like this. He spread his arms, and I nestled up to him and he hugged me. There is no one else who can calm and comfort me so much with his mere touch. He breathed a kiss on the top of my head.
„I'm sorry." He whispered into it.
We just sat there for a while. Then his lips travelled lower, first on my face and then on my neck, finally reaching my collarbone. They were tiny kisses, but I shuddered from them. He then took the same route back. I faced him when I couldn't take it anymore and kissed him. I rarely took the initiative, but it went well.
I sprinkled kisses on his face and then on his neck, but his shirt stood in my way. I wanted to go a little lower, but I have never felt the desire to do so. Still, I started unbuttoning his shirt. His eyes widened in surprise and I could see the uncertainty in them. But not because of him, but because of me. However, I continued what I had started and got rid of it.
At first I just carefully traced his muscles with my finger, then I became more and more brave. I ran my hand along his arm, which made him twitch. I liked that. I leaned a little closer and my lips touched his skin. A shudder shook his body. His skin was soft under my mouth, I enjoyed the feeling. I trailed my lips along his chest, slowly and painfully. I also felt that this immobility was difficult for him, but he endured it anyway for my sake, because he knew how inexperienced I was and... hurt.
I tentatively tasted his skin with my tongue. A small sound escaped his throat. I felt that I had power over him and it filled me with incredible energy. I slid my hands to his biceps and started caressing them while my mouth wandered over his chest. Poor Rhys was already shaking. Then he suddenly moved and changed our position, now he was on top.
I could have been scared, but I felt nothing but excitement. He wasn't entirely sure about it. He looked down at me like he was expecting me to scream or throw a tantrum. I didn't even blame him for that, after all, I gave him enough reasons for such concerns. I put my hand on his hand.
"It'll be fine." I encouraged him and he didn't need more.
In the next moment, the upper part of my dress was already hanging on my waist and my black lace bra was perfectly visible. Rhys didn't even touch me for a while, he just looked. Then he did the same thing I did to him. At first, he just caressed me, gently and slowly, but I wanted something more. His lips roamed my upper body. I got very hot and felt strange. Would that be the desire? So intense, searing and hard to describe?
But then his hand touched the clasp of my bra and I froze. Memories flooded my mind. Not the happy kind. Seth, Seth's face and Seth's hand. His touch, my disgust. Desire vanished like a light dream, and the clasp gave way. I tried not to move and to focus on the fact that it was Rhys's hand, but it wasn't that easy. The bra fell off and I could almost feel Seth's breath on my skin. Unsolicited pictures were pushed up again.
"Open your eyes." He asked gently. When did I close it? I obeyed and our eyes met. "It's me, none other. Trust me, please." You have no idea how difficult this is.
He looked into my eyes until he slid his hand over my breast. He caressed me gently, and something ignited from the ashes of the fire.
„Does it feel good?" He whispered the question in my ear, to which I could only nod. His gaze left mine and his mouth followed an invisible path to my chest. He started kissing and caressing them. I was overwhelmed with heat again and I wanted to grab him and wrap my legs around his waist.
„You see?" I wished the voice and its owner to hell. Although it could easily be that he was there. „All he wants is your body. Why else would he have brought you up to his apartment? Did he want to play board games?" He asked mockingly. „There are so many other places he could have taken you. But no, he brought you here, where you could be alone. Today he gets you, tomorrow he forgets you and doesn't even look for you anymore. And you will be completely crushed."
I couldn't even feel angry anymore. I was filled with a kind of icy resignation and endless sadness. It was at that moment that I understood that there was no future for the two of us. I can't live like this anymore, and I don't want to chain him to me and condemn him to suffering, so I better let him go. He deserves so much more than that. Than me.
I pushed him away from me and pulled my clothes back into place. He looked at me confused. How could I blame you for that? I'm so stupid! But... I'm doing this for you.
„What's wrong?" He asked worriedly.
„I can't do this!" I buried my face in my hands. „I can't trust you!" I said looking back at him and he stared at me as if I had hit him.
„Why not?" He asked but did not come closer. He looked very hurt.
„There's so much you don't know." I sighed.
„You've said this so many times. But if you told me, it wouldn't be like that." He sounded angry, and he was.
„But that's it! I don't trust you enough to tell you!" It burst out of me.
„And what should I do?" He ruffled his hair in an upset manner.
"There's nothing you can do." The truth of this saddened me. "It's my fault."
„Not mine?" He raised his eyebrows sarcastically. "That's a big cliché."
"I'm sorry." I mumbled with my head down. "It will be best if we finish this now."
„No need to be sorry, just forget the stupid idea of leaving me here."
„Why would it be foolish?" I fixed my gaze on him. „Because you think so? Because I'm ruining your plans?" I knew I was going to hurt him, but in the long run, it was better for him.
„What kind of plan do I have?" He frowned.
„You're just trying to get me laid!"
„Where did you get this nonsense?" He jumped up and started pacing up and down. „Have I ever given you a reason to think that? Did I force you to do anything?" He looked more and more tense.
„You brought me here to your apartment! What am I supposed to think?"
„Not this! I just wanted to be with you! Hugging you and stuff like that.
"„Stuff like that?" I asked mockingly. „Apparently, that's what happened."
„You jumped on me, I just adjusted to you. As always."
„It came good, didn't it? That I was finally willing to go further."
„I have never used you and I never would. Jesus!" He rubbed the bridge of his nose. „Why do we even fight?"
„I don't argue. "I raised my head defiantly. "I'm just pointing out the facts."
"And what are the facts?" He asked then slumped back on the sofa.
„That you wanted nothing more than to seduce me from the beginning. You've always been only interested in my body, admit it!" I felt ridiculous and stupid, but I hoped that if I pushed that imaginary knife deep enough, he would give up.
He stood up again, and stepped in front of me, our eyes connected and he stared deep into my soul.
„You captured me from the first moment and I wanted you. Yes, your body and nothing else. I felt like I was burning in a fire and I would turn into ashes if I couldn't touch you. Despise me, but it's the truth. What did you expect? Intellectual interest is not usually the first thing that arises in people when they see someone attractive." I felt like I had been hit in the head with a shovel.
"I understand." I muttered soullessly. "Thank you for being honest."
„I'm not done yet. That's not all because..."
„Silence!" I shouted. „Please!" I added it more gently. „Just... just leave me alone now."
Luckily, he didn't try to stop me again, so I walked out the door, out of his life. I staggered down the stairs, but I barely saw anything, I only heard his words. ' Yes, your body and nothing else.' But in the end, he didn't get my body. He got nothing.
As I stepped out the door, the cold air hit me, I shivered and regained some composure. It's just not going to knock me off my feet, is it? That's it? After all, who is Rhys to me?
He's like sunlight that illuminates the darkness of my soul. But there will be no more light, artificial at best. But I will get over this loss. I never really expected a happy ending. I knew that it wouldn't last forever, like nothing else in this life, but I still hoped for something better.
Where should I go and what should I do? I can't go home. I don't have any money or a car. And I'd rather sleep on the street than go back to Rhys and ask for his help. Shannon! Their house is not too far. It's closer than ours anyway. I headed towards their street. I wrapped my hands around my body, hoping that I would feel less cold, but of course, it didn't help much.
However, I arrived safely in front of their house and rang the doorbell. If Shannon isn't home because Liam is entertaining her, her dad can still let me in. The door opened and Shannon looked at me in her pyjamas, dishevelled and shocked.
„Come in."
Thank God she didn't ask anything. I felt like I didn't even have the strength to answer. We went to her room, where she pressed an old pair of pyjamas into my hand so that I would have something to sleep in. Then she got into the bed and patted the other side, signalling me to get comfortable. I was scared and then I looked at her face. Shannon would never hurt me. I took a deep breath and positioned myself next to her.
„Good night, Shae." She yawned.
„Good night, Shan." I murmured and closed my eyes. It took me a while to fall asleep, but I managed. Irrational fears are not easy to overcome, but perhaps this was the first step towards it.