And tomorrow came. It brought gloom and dark clouds with the promise of a storm.
In the morning, no one said a word. We were all doing our own things in silence. I put on a black dress, fake sorrow and non-existent pain. The appearance... it must be. Let the world believe that we were, and are, a normal family.
We went in my mother's car, but I drove because she was too nervous. When we arrived, there were already more people than I expected. I even saw some girls with tears in their eyes. They flabbergasted me. They really didn't know anything about Seth if they were capable of such a thing. And they could only be happy about that, even though they couldn't have guessed it.
I walked where his final resting place would be. It was as dark and bottomless as Seth's eyes were in some of my dreams. It made me shiver.
Fortunately, the funeral began soon after. I seriously don't want to be disrespectful to the servant of God but the priest was talking a lot of bullshit. But it might not be his fault, after all, he didn't know what kind of person he was in his life. He just said the usual lines. I wanted to laugh, but I suppressed it. Mother deserves everything to go according to plan.
Some even cried during the ceremony, but I was unable to. I couldn't even pretend to do it. I was just looking at that pit, watching it being lowered and I just felt relief, or maybe not even that. I was tired. Very tired. I wasn't tired from this day, I was tired from the hate, the pain and the pretending. But I knew I could never be a girl who is the complete opposite of all that. That's why I just stared gloomily in front of me, dry-eyed.
„You don't even cry for me?" A scornful voice rang out.
I turned to the right and he was standing at the edge of the grave. But this is impossible! I closed my eyes, but when I opened them, he was still there. He was staring at me. There was nothing wrong with him this time, he actually looked good. His green eyes sparkled almost cheerfully, and his black hair was slicked back. To top it off, he even wore a suit! Unbelievable. He dressed well for his own funeral.
„You can't be here." I whispered so that no one could hear. Of course, he was an exception. He nodded.
„Naturally, I am not here." He said willingly. „How could I? You killed me!" He smiled at me. But it was a creepy smile.
„Then what are you?" Some people have heard this. I was a little louder than I should have been.
„What am I? Little by little nothing. I can be a ghost who haunts you or your conscience, or your guilt. Whatever I am, you made me. The only reason I am here is you."
„I don't feel guilty!" I declared it. „And I am not crazy!"
„Are you sure?" He sowed the seeds of doubt. „Do you have no guilt?" His voice became insidiously enchanting. „Not even a drop? You are not crazy? Not even a little bit?" He laughed as if it was impossible.
I opened my mouth to say something, but no sound came out. Actually, I didn't know what to say. I just didn't know. Everything is so messed up inside me. Emotions got tangled up in each other and lost their true meaning and function....
„How can you not feel guilty?" He continued. „After all, you killed someone."
„That was your own doing." I accused him and he clicked his tongue.
„Come on. You know there are always two or more points of view and the truth is somewhere in between. It's never just one person's fault. Bad things are the result of a chain reaction."
„So what triggered this reaction?" I asked curiously and he seemed almost sad.
„No one will ever know that." He replied and disappeared.
I felt relieved and a little disappointed at the same time. But if he was right, and he was just the figment of my own mind, then he can't tell me anything worthwhile. If not, if he was something else... Then what? And how did he get here? He was a little different than usual. Was my brain reshaping him or something else? But what could it be?
Is it possible that our souls are purified after we die? Rebirth or something? Perhaps it's not the fire of hell that awaits us, but something entirely different. Something that erases everything filthy, everything bad, and we can be as we were at the beginning? Good? Or who was completely bad, evil and who committed horrible things can never be good again? Is it unsalvageable? Is there no way?
I don't even know which of us I hope for the former. In his or mine? Maybe both of us.
After the funeral, it was time for the condolences and the rest. My condolences. Such a stupid term. That word has never helped and never will. How could anyone share and feel, and participate in the pain of others? Everyone experiences them differently. No two pains are the same. They are just like snowflakes.
Several people may be affected by the same things, but each of them is influenced differently, experienced and processed differently. My sorrow is my sorrow. Others could never feel exactly the way I felt, they could never understand it. And I don't even want that. Maybe misery likes company, but I don't.
Therefore, I only accepted the condolences with a cold nod. When there were very few people, only then I took the single flower that I had brought. I squeezed it and went to the grave. I placed my single black rose among the others, then retreated to one of the nearby trees. It really stood out from the other flowers, but I didn't care.
„I am glad you are no longer with us, you bastard." I whispered, and although no one heard it, it meant a lot to me to say it out loud.
„No one has ever said anything more touching than that." A mocking voice rang out, but I didn't flinch.
„You don't even deserve that much." I muttered as I put more distance between myself and the grave, but he followed.
„If I don't deserve even that much, then what will you deserve? You are the killer, not me!
„You molested children, not me!" I hissed, the words echoing in my head, mockingly. I hate this word. Molesting. If I never heard it again it would be too soon.
„Not children, it was just one." He corrected me with grotesque pride. „You." He grinned, disgustingly. „Although, I have been thinking about Ailish a lot recently, but you killed me before I could do anything." This angered and reassured me at the same time. He didn't have time. I acted on time. My shoulders slumped.
„Bastard." This time there was no temper in it.
„Maybe." He shrugged. „But what are you? Is your sin or mine more severe? Or it might doesn't matter. Sin is sin. All of them are equally serious."
„You can't be serious. A lie and a murder cannot be on the same level."
„We are not the ones to judge." He looked up at the sky. „Perhaps in its eyes, all sins are equal. And we have to pay for them equally."
„God is not that cruel." It didn't sound very convincing. His mocking smile was the proof.
I was more hopeful than sure. Someone who created so many beautiful, good things on this planet can't be so merciless, right? Right?
„Shaelynn!" I winced at that, then pulled myself together and turned around.
It was Shannon and she looked really worried. Of course, she wasn't sad because she had nothing to do with Seth, but it was as if her face had been carved out of ice. I rarely saw her like this.
„What's wrong?" I asked and looked around. There were only a few people present.
„Your mother." She replied hesitantly, and I immediately started searching with my eyes.
She was kneeling at Seth's grave, not caring about getting dirty. Ailish was standing next to her, looking very helpless. I instantly started towards her.
„Mother." I spoke to her, but she didn't respond, as if she hadn't heard. I crouched next to her. Then I staggered backwards and fell on my butt. Her tears were flowing, and it scared me. I could only watch, but not move.
„I'm sorry, Seth." She muttered to the grave. „If I loved you more... Maybe... It's my fault. I should have noticed that you needed help. I shouldn't have let your father just walk out of our lives. I should have looked for him. But I came to love you so much, I was glad that you got to stay with us. I was selfish and I only hurt you and Shaelynn with that. Everything is my fault!" She burst into hysterical sobs. „All is my fault." She started repeating this one sentence. My heart is shattered.
„Mom?" Ailish took a hesitant step forward. She looked scared, desperate and helpless.
„Still not feeling guilty?" Seth asked smugly. „You ruined your mother and you will destroy Ailish as well if you stay with her. You can only hurt the people around you."
„No." He looked at me curiously. „I don't feel guilty towards you." I grabbed my mother's arm and pulled her up. „Come to your senses!" I said sternly, but quietly so that others couldn't hear. I led her to the car. „It's not your fault. Your kids were and still are messed up, yes, but it's not your fault. You've done everything you can and that should be enough."
„But it's not." She whispered barely audible and another stream of tears started.
I have never seen her so broken, so in need of comfort. What can I say? I? I just kept quiet and put her in the passenger seat. Ailish slid into the back and I behind the steering wheel.
We made the journey home in tense silence, only the muffled sobs of my mother sometimes broke it. After we got out, I helped mom to her bed and then left her to rest. Sleep will do her good. It would be good for all of us.
Ailish was in the living room, sitting on a couch, petting Calypse.
„I have to go away for a while." I said to her. „Will you be okay?" She nodded stiffly. „But seriously." I looked at her sternly.
„I will be fine." She grumbled in a not-very convincing, monotone voice. I sat down next to her.
„Listen here. Mother will be okay, just a little tired like us. She needs a good night's sleep. But tomorrow she will be like always. Everything will be fine." Someday for sure. She nodded uncertainly. „Maybe you should rest too."
She held out her hand to me and I took it and led her to her room. She quickly changed and got under the covers, and then Calypse settled next to her.
„Will you tell me a story?"
She asked quietly, and I was surprised. Not because the evening was still far away, but because she had asked for such a thing a long time ago. She was a big girl, and big girls don't need bedtime stories. At least that's what she said. I immediately nodded and took out a storybook.
Before I got halfway through the story, she was already asleep. I adjusted her blanket and then left her room.
I grabbed my car keys again and went to my car. I had never been to where I planned to go, even though I had known the address for some time. Maybe I was even a little afraid to go there. But now I had to.
Without a second thought, I drove there. But the journey was a bit long, so I was left alone with my thoughts.
Can I just hurt the people around me? Is it my fate to make them miserable and unhappy? Or is there still hope for me? How stupid! I mean, wondering about these just because Seth or what the hell said it to me.
I parked in front of the apartment and went to the elevator, more and more afraid of his reaction. On to the fifth. However, I stopped in front of the door. What can I say, why am I here? I was just around here? Damn! Sighing, I knocked, although I still didn't know what to say as an excuse.
„Rhys, comfort me!" I asked, and although it sounded stupid, I meant it. I didn't know how to console but I needed it. I longed for a warm hug and a reassuring voice telling me everything was going to be okay. I wanted his comfort.
„Come in." He said without showing any surprise or discomfort as he gently led me into the house.