The door had barely closed behind me when he already locked me in his arms. And I didn't protest, that's exactly what I wanted. Someone who accepts me without questions and conditions. I snuggled closer to him and he buried his face in my hair, inhaling its scent. I closed my eyes for a moment.
„What's wrong?" He asked in a calm, reassuring voice.
I opened my mouth to answer but I had nothing to say. That is, it would have been and I wanted to, but... I wanted to tell him so many things, so many things I wanted him to know, but.... I am scared. How would he react if he knew everything that happened and what I did? My sins. Would he understand me or condemn me? I'm afraid of the answer. So I just shook my head. He let me go and led me into the living room.
„Take a seat." He motioned to the beige couch that sat in the centre of the room. There were light brown armchairs on each side of the sofa and in front of them was a small circular black table with some kind of plant in the middle. It was a small room, but it somehow created a cozy feeling. „Would you like some tea? Lemongrass." He tried but couldn't suppress his grimace. I almost smiled.
„I don't like tea, I would like some coffee." I murmured, but I couldn't even finish the sentence, he was already shaking his head.
„You seem upset, I think you could use some calming tea." He went out, presumably to the kitchen, and continued talking from there. „Édoard loves tea and he tries to make me like it too, so he always brings me all kinds of. He said I should drink this one when I want to calm down." His voice was more effective than any tea ever could be. I was relieved by it, almost all the tension left me. I sat back and waited.
He returned shortly with two mugs of tea. He gave me one and settled next to me. I was filled with such a level of peace and contentment that I was terrified. I even froze for a moment. Is it really possible? I put my mug on the little table and moved closer to him, hugging his waist. This may have caught him by surprise because he needed some time to react. It's not surprising, I rarely approach him.
„It's so good here." I murmured against his shirt. He began to hold me much more securely.
„Tell me what happened, please." He urged, whispering in my ear.
I shivered at his breath and the way his lips touched my skin. I was always surrounded by unknown feelings around him, but it wasn't bad. Just unusual and a little scary for that reason.
„The funeral was today, as you know. It made me a little tired and upset." I replied.
„That's all?" He asked doubtfully.
What can I say? Not that I'm imagining things. With that much, I could even refer myself to the nearest mental institution. He'd think I was crazy. And now I'm not even sure he would be wrong. What if my mind is truly starting to break down? Slow but sure destruction. I don't want that. I want him and a happy life. And the damned would go to Disneyland arm in arm with Satan.
„Mother freaked out too. She was crying and talking... nonsense. She blamed herself and it's my fault."
„She blamed herself and you blame yourself." He sighed. „It's a vicious cycle, but I understand." I looked up at him questioningly. „I blamed myself after my father's death. If I had gotten there earlier, or if we had organized the meeting somewhere else, or on another day. But then I think, maybe something similar would have happened somewhere else, at a different time. What if there are things we can't change that are set in stone? If I think that my father's death was something like that, and I couldn't have done anything, it comforts me." He smiled self-deprecatingly. „We always want to acquit ourselves, right?"
Yes, but... I have no excuses like that. If I didn't kill Seth, would someone else do it? Hardly. I don't think he knew more people with murderous tendencies. His death wasn't set in stone. Sadly.
But what could I say to him? Of course, darling? Exactly as you said? I don't think so. I couldn't say it without vitriol. And I don't want to lie to him. Maybe I can't be completely honest but I still don't want to lie to him face to face. I prefer to stay quiet if I can.
„Yeah." I answered his question, ignoring everything else he said. „But that's natural. There are things we cannot live with, so we want to find excuses."
„Thank you for understanding me." He kissed me on the cheek. I didn't deserve him. Not just the kiss, but him too. He is so good, nice and understanding.
Well, my self-esteem issues came out at the best time. I wish I could overcome this guilt. It's not because of Seth, it's because of my dishonesty, because he will never really know who I am. He will not know the deepest pain of my soul, what my heart truly desires and he will not love me with all my faults because he will never know about them. It's a bit like taking away the choice.
If he doesn't know everything he can't reject me because of them. Although he deserves much more than that. But I can't give more than this. I would like to, but I just can't. I can't really become his with all my heart and soul because certain things will always be between us. Secrets that he will never know. And I can't accept him as he is, because I'm just a coward. It makes me so sad. My cowardice and this whole situation.
„I am sorry." That I can't be the person you deserve. Because I am not who you believe I am. For my secrets and my pretence. And despite all that, I can't just let you go, even though I know it would be the best for you. I'm sorry. But maybe one day... If I become strong enough... Maybe.
„For what?" He looked deeply into my eyes, looking a little worried.
„For everything." I said. „For the trouble that came with me." He smiled softly at me.
„I would never trade you for a girl with less problems." My heart skipped a beat and I buried my face in his shoulder.
His words meant a lot to me even though he didn't know how right he was. Troublesome. To put it mildly. If I want to be more vulgar I would say fucking annoying and unfortunate.
But I don't usually swear, only in my thoughts and it felt really good this time. Fucking, fucking, fucking. I repeated it in my head and I couldn't help but smile. Like a child who enjoys misbehaving.
„Why are you smiling?" Rhys asked me and I raised my head to look at him. But I didn't have a chance to answer before his lips captured mine. It was a little hesitant at first, but his mouth became hot on mine and his tongue came out to caress my lips, tenderly asking for admittance. I unintentionally parted my lips and his tongue touched mine. I felt things that I only felt in his presence. It felt like my stomach had dropped and I felt a strange tingle.
It intrigued me and scared me at the same time. What is this? Then his hand slid from my back to my bum and grabbed it to pull me even closer. It was truly unexpected. He always approached me so slowly, thinking about every move, as if I were some kind of wild animal that he had to tame first of all so that he wouldn't be bitten. First the taming, then the stroking. But not this time.
His palm started its journey under my shirt and he spread his fingers on my waist. It was a hot, possessive touch and he didn't stop the kiss.
I wanted to reciprocate but I was afraid I would do something wrong. What if I do something he didn't like? I'm sure this uncertainty will kill me one day. But if I do something wrong, he will tell me, right? I should just cross this line. I can't just stand still all the time!
I slowly slid my hand on his back and I started caressing him. He froze and pulled back to look me in the eyes. He seemed worried and madly passionate at the same time. The golden spots in his eyes burned like never before. I couldn't stand his gaze. I closed the distance between us and this time I kissed him. I savoured his lips and enjoyed every moment. Until the point where his hand grazed my breast. The images that filled my mind froze me, and then without thinking about what I was doing, my hand swung and my palm slammed on his face.
I staggered back after getting off the couch. I looked at his face where the mark of my hand was clearly visible, then I looked at my hand as if it didn't even belong to me. I hit him. But I didn't want to do it. No way! My hand fell back to my side. Maybe I can't even control myself.
I lost control like that night. 'You can only hurt the people around you.' I heard Seth's voice in my head. Looks like he was right about something for once. I hated him for it. To put it better, I hated him for this too.
„I have to go." I murmured and wanted to leave as soon as possible. But Rhys stood in front of the door and looked like he wasn't going to move. He didn't try to touch me.
„No, you don't have to." He said gloomily, running a hand over his hair. „When will we reach the point where you won't try to run away like a scared little rabbit?"
„I hurt you." I looked at him in disbelief. Why doesn't he freak out over it?
„It was just a slap." He shrugged lightly. It drove me mad. „You are overreacting."
„Yeah? Then when would you start worrying? If I attack you with a knife?"
„That would indeed be a cause for concern." He admitted stoically.
„You're an idiot." I muttered strangely calmly and his lips twitched. „Don't you see it? I can never give you more than a few kisses and you are not safe with me."
„You are not a criminal, don't talk about yourself like that." He scolded me. „I am glad you can defend yourself and express your displeasure about things. There's nothing wrong with that." No way, you just don't know. There are so many things you don't know and it makes me sad. „It's my fault, I was too sudden. I know I have to take it slowly with you and I have to be careful. Because everything that happened in the past."
He looked at me as if he hoped I would open up to him and tell him everything. Everything important. And I wanted to, but at the same time, it scared me to death. Completely opening up to someone is way too scary. Like standing in front of a ravine, knowing that you have to jump and there might not be anyone to catch you. Catastrophic feeling. That's why I remained silent and looked up at him. He sighed, frustrated and tired. Then he spread his arms and made a beckoning gesture.
„Come here." He requested and I went to him without thinking. I felt almost safe in his arms, as if the world didn't even exist. Just him and me. It would be so nice. He kissed my hair and started stroking my back soothingly. „What do you think about lunch?" He asked then totally unexpectedly. I looked at him in shock.
„Lunch? At this time?" I raised my eyebrow questioningly and he laughed softly.
„I put it wrong." He explained. „A lunch with my family. I want you to meet my mother and my sister. Maybe with her husband and son." What? Do you want to introduce me to your family? Isn't that a little bit too fast? But... I wouldn't mind getting to know them. I want to meet the woman who raised Rhys. And with his sister who had always known him.
„Okay." That was all I said, but his face brightened up and the golden flecks in his eyes danced merrily. Does it really mean that much to him?
„And I would like your mother and sister to accompany us." He added carefully.
This will be harder considering that my mother doesn't know about him. About us. It sounds so strange. Not him and not me, but us. Together. It's only weird because it was just me before. Alone. But it's not bad, not at all. But how can I tell Mother? But if it's so important to him how could I say no? There's so much I can't do for him. But I can do this! I only have to confess everything to my mother. I will be honest, a little bit. I raised my head and our eyes met. For such a nice pair of eyes, I can't cause disappointment.
„Of course, I think they would be happy to come." After they find out about you. It's so ironic that I lie before I'm honest. But he didn't seem to notice. He just hugged me tighter and I swallowed my guilt.