"Where have you been?" I was surprised by the sound and its severity.
I spun around and found myself face-to-face with my mother. Her eyes were red and swollen. Suddenly, I felt like a teenager trying to sneak back into the house unnoticed. Even though it never actually happened. My mother never had a headache from such things. She always knew where I was and who I was with. I never missed a curfew either. If something came up, I always told her in advance and it was never a problem. I never went to parties, never drank or smoked, and there were never any boys from whom she had to forbid. I was a boring model child. And I still am, except for a few little things like a murder. But what is this attitude now, as if I were a teenager who broke the rules?
„With a friend." I replied. I could tell her now. I could tell her about Rhys. Why don't I do it? I took a step closer to her.
„But not with Shannon because she was looking for you while you were away. So who was it?" She continued my questioning.
„I am not a child anymore, Mother." Although that sentence sounded like I was one. But the more she wanted to know, the less I wanted to say. How stupid.
„But you will always be a child to me. My precious little daughter. Nothing can change that." Not even that I ruined our family? That I am the reason that you look so sad and miserable? If I continued to suffer in silence, you could live a simple carefree life right now. Don't you hate me even a little bit? „You've been different lately. Was it because of the person you were with?" This was another chance. I can tell her everything. This nervousness is so strange. It was obvious I never had to introduce any boy and fear her reaction.
„I was with Rhys." I mumbled softly and barely intelligibly. But at least I said it.
„With the detective?" She was visibly shocked. And me too.
I almost forgot that Rhys was a detective. To me, he was just Rhys. The only man I could trust and feel safe with. Not a detective. This reminder was like cold water in the face.
„Yes." I nodded my head in agreement. „I needed some comfort." Her face immediately turned grim and she took a step towards me, but didn't touch me. She knew well that I had an aversion to touch and perhaps already knew why. I never wanted her to know.
„I'm sorry." She apologized. „I didn't want to..."
„I didn't say that to make you feel bad. You deserve to rest and shouldn't get up yet. You better go back to bed."
„Don't talk to me like that!" I was amazed at this outburst. „I am your mother. I should take care of you and not the other way around. Don't want to grow old prematurely and take on all the burdens."
„How could I leave these 'burdens' behind? I like to take care of you and Ailish. It doesn't really feel like a burden to me."
„Nonsense!" She dismissed the thought as something stupid. „You should enjoy your life. I can take care of the three of us. You don't have to make any more sacrifices. Be young and free for a while." Her gaze softened and so did her voice. „From now on, spend your salary on yourself. We have plenty of money thanks to Seth." There was something indecipherable in her voice. „But it would be better if you don't meet him again. I am afraid. What if he discovers what you did?"
There is no more doubt. She knows that I killed Seth and why. I wonder what she might feel? How painful is this for her? How much does she hate herself and how could she not hate me? How could she forgive me and not blame me for anything?
„He's investigating our case, it's his job to catch the culprit." Rhys loves me. I wanted to say but I couldn't. He never said it, it might not be true.
„Rhys and I..." What is the right word for us? Dating? It sounds weird and I am not sure it's true. We are together? Well, not always. „We're seeing each other." Yeah, that's right.
„And you think you are more important to him than his profession?" She looked at me very seriously.
„I don't know." I whispered the answer.
I don't want him to choose between me and his morals. It wouldn't be fair. I cannot ask him to turn a blind eye to my sins, that's why it's better if he never knows about them. He doesn't have to sacrifice anything for me and he doesn't have to feel like he's betrayed me if he chooses to. I can't put him in that situation.
„But he invited me to lunch with his family."
„Is he that serious about you?" She looked at me in wonder. „And I didn't notice anything."
„Actually, he invited us all. You and Ailish too." She laughed without any mirth.
„So you only told me because you had no choice?" It sounded bitter.
„I am sorry." It was my turn to apologize. „I didn't know how to tell you."
„When did we become strangers to each other? You don't treat me like your mother and I don't know how to treat you anymore. I look at you and I see that little girl who ran to me when she was in trouble and trusted me without question. But you are not her anymore. I don't know who you are and it's my fault I didn't notice this change. I was so focused on working and making enough money to take care of you that I ended up not having time for you at all. I was satisfied with superficial things like you are well educated, you know how to behave in public, but I had no idea who you really were. And I still don't know and I am so sorry for that."
„Mother." I didn't know how to reply. After all, I didn't know her either. Of course, I know some facts but it's not her. It's not just her fault. I didn't do anything to make it better. I didn't want to get closer to people, not even my mother.
I crossed another boundary and hugged her. I didn't feel the usual panic or desire to escape. Strangely, I even felt a sense of security. Her scent gave me deja vu.
When was the last time I hugged her? This faint vanilla scent shouldn't cause deja vu, it should be more familiar to me and I should be able to say yes, it is my mother's. But it wasn't familiar. For a while, we just held each other, and then she let go and pulled herself together.
„I'm not saying that everything will be different from now on." She started. „I won't say things I am not sure about. But I am going to try. Let's start over. Not pretending Seth never existed, because that's impossible. He lived, he was here and he is no longer with us. I'm just asking you to try not to hate him. And as for lunch, of course, we will be there. I want to take a good look at this Rhys. Now it's time to make dinner, please check on your sister.
What will become of this? A lot has changed and is changing suddenly. Not sure I can keep up with them.
I did as my mother said and went to Ailish's room. She was lounging on her bed with Calypse. If Mother sees this...
My sister looked younger than her age and more vulnerable than usual. I would like to take her to a place where the noise and filth of the world couldn't reach her, but I would only cause harm with it, I know.
„Did you eavesdrop?" I asked because I know her very well. Her face was ruddy like someone who rushed here.
„Yes." She looked at me defiantly, but behind it was fear and insecurity.
„You shouldn't have done that." I sighed. She's a clever girl. I wonder how much she discovered from our conversation. Do I even want to know? No, I don't think so. It's better to leave it at that.
„Can I meet your friend?" She asked. With my friend? She knows Shannon and has met her many times in the past. „With the detective who was here before." Rhys? Is he my friend?
„ I'm sure you will. Unless we break up before or something. Although it is not even determined when that lunch will happen. There is a chance that this is in the distant future."
„I have never met your boyfriend before." Because there was no one to meet. We were both silent for a while before she said: „Will you sing me a song? Like when I was little." It was indeed a long time ago that I sang to her. I enjoyed it, but after some time nothing mattered and I couldn't find enjoyment in anything. I only sang to Ailish even then because I wanted to put her to sleep. „With cello."
As if it were that simple. It's not so easy to concentrate on two things at once. I can only sing what is so ingrained in my brain that I don't even have to pay attention to it.
„Sure, just a moment." I went back to my room to get the instrument. Then I hurried back to her. She made a place for me on the bed so I sat next to her. I placed the cello in the correct position and I began:
*On the banks of the Roses,
My love and I sat down,
And I took out my violin
To play my love a tune,
In the middle of the tune,
Oh, she sighed and she said,
O-ro, Johnny, lovely Johnny,
Would you leave me?*
„Isn't there anything more fun?" What a tough audience. I pretended to think for a while.
„As a matter of fact, there isn't." I answered and Ailish sighed in frustration.
„Then you can just play and I'll sing a song." She requested and I obeyed.
I tried to play something more cheerful, but for most of my life sadness was closer to me than happiness. She had a pleasant voice, so it was nice to listen to, but then she suddenly stopped singing.
„What does love feel like?" She asked as unexpectedly as the summer shower.
„I still don't know." I exhaled slowly as I remembered that this wasn't the first time she had asked that.
„Then why are you with him? If you don't love him..."
I don't love him. I know that I don't love him. Or do I just think? Sometimes our belief is stronger than what we know or think we know. But no. I know and believe that I don't love him. But he is Rhys and I need him. His smile. His eyes with those golden spots. His nice words and his faith in me. For him to think that I am better than what I am. For his tenderness and kisses. And for his warm hugs.
Before I met him I felt ancient, like I was carrying the weight of the world, but since then I feel like I'm getting younger. Slowly I am reaching my actual age.
I almost wake up with a smile on my face, knowing that I will hear his voice soon if nothing else.
„I don't love him." I told my sister firmly. „But he is important to me. Not just simply important but more important than important. I don't think I can tell you in a way that you will understand. I'm with him because it would be too painful to let him go and I am afraid that he will end this farce that we call a relationship all on his own. It also makes me feel a little crampy." I took a deep breath. „But why are you so interested in love?"
„Because I think I'm in love. But what if I'm wrong and what I feel is something else? How can I know for sure what this feeling is?" Oh, how familiar it is! „Why is there no manual for this? Or some guide for life? It would be so much easier!" She seemed more and more despondent.
„There would be less excitement with a guide." I grinned at her.
„Sometimes I think I would give up the excitement for the sake of simplicity." She muttered and I began to study her expression. She looked young but she was a precocious child like me. And if she continues like this she will be just as unhappy and burdened with worries as I am.
„Ailish, be a little more relaxed. Be a child. Imprudent, reckless and sudden. Dare to dream. If you think you like him, then try to get closer to him and don't think too much about it. Just live your life the way you wish. It's okay to make mistakes and be wrong about things. You can always apologize if you hurt someone. They may forgive they may not, but I hope at least you won't have regrets." She looked at me in astonishment. She probably didn't expect this from me, but the only thing I want for her is that she doesn't resemble me at all.
I stood up, ruffled her hair and left her room, giving her time to consider my advice.
I tried to play something more cheerful, but for most of my life sadness was closer to me than happiness. She had a pleasant voice, so it was nice to listen to, but then she suddenly stopped singing.
„What does love feel like?" She asked as unexpectedly as the summer shower.
„I still don't know." I exhaled slowly as I remembered that this wasn't the first time she had asked that.
„Then why are you with him? If you don't love him..."
I don't love him. I know that I don't love him. Or do I just think? Sometimes our belief is stronger than what we know or think we know. But no. I know and believe that I don't love him. But he is Rhys and I need him. His smile. His eyes with those golden spots. His nice words and his faith in me. For him to think that I am better than what I am. His tenderness and kisses. And his warm hugs.
Before I met him I felt ancient, like I was carrying the weight of the world, but since then I feel like I'm getting younger. Slowly I am reaching my actual age.
I almost wake up with a smile on my face, knowing that I will hear his voice soon if nothing else.
„I don't love him." I told my sister firmly. „But he is important to me. Not just simply important but more important than important. I don't think I can tell you in a way that you will understand. I'm with him because it would be too painful to let him go and I am afraid that he will end this farce that we call a relationship all on his own. It also makes me feel a little crampy." I took a deep breath. „But why are you so interested in love?"
„Because I think I'm in love. But what if I'm wrong and what I feel is something else? How can I know for sure what this feeling is?" Oh, how familiar it is! „Why is there no manual for this? Or some guide for life? It would be so much easier!" She seemed more and more despondent.
„There would be less excitement with a guide." I grinned at her.
„Sometimes I think I would give up the excitement for the sake of simplicity." She muttered and I began to study her expression. She looked young but she was actually a precocious child like me. And if she continues like this she will be just as unhappy and burdened with worries as I am.
„Ailish, be a little more relaxed. Be a child. Imprudent, reckless and sudden. Dare to dream. If you think you like him, then try to get closer to him and don't think too much about it. Just live your life the way you wish. It's okay to make mistakes and be wrong about things. You can always apologize if you hurt someone. They may forgive they may not, but I hope at least you won't have regrets." She looked at me in astonishment. She probably didn't expect this from me, but the only thing I want for her is that she doesn't resemble me at all.
I stood up, ruffled her hair and left her room, giving her time to consider my advice
* Irish folk song