I sat up in bed gasping for breath, my heart beating like crazy. Then I stared blindly into the darkness for a while. Another nightmare. Nowadays, I have them more often and it's all about Seth.
I closed my eyes and inhaled some air. And then I stood up and went to the kitchen. I can't go back to sleep anyway.
I wonder why these dreams are coming now? A lot of time has passed since the murder. Why now, why not sooner? Not that I feel guilty. No. But I have my doubts. Because what if Seth didn't become like this for no reason? If he was born just like any other person? Not good or bad, just human and because of others he became the way he is. Then what? Or rather what will it be? If he needed help and not a knife in his stomach? The kind of help I might need, but I know I will never ask for it.
In the dream, he said he was hurt by others too. But can the pain they caused him be an excuse for what he caused others? If so, then it's a cycle that will never end if no one has the strength to break it. Seth was hurt by someone, so he hurt me. Who am I going to harm? Is there a way to avoid it? I don't want to cause pain to anyone. Not even on a mental level, in fact, not at all.
But maybe I shouldn't take these dreams so seriously. The Seth that appears in them is not the real one. Perhaps he was just as much of a bastard as I always thought. That would be better for me. Then I wouldn't have to think about what I could have done. And what I didn't do. The things I should have done.
Still, I can't judge without looking at all the possibilities. If he was as mental wreck as I am... He didn't deserve what he got. Maybe. Or maybe there is no excuse for the crimes committed? None? Because then we are both doomed. Which of us falls deeper into hell, I don't know. But if there are excuses, extenuating circumstances... I don't think there is anything that would absolve you from murder. There is no excuse for that.
If I were to repent and do penance and pray morning, noon, and night for the rest of my life, if I were to confess... Not even then. Because there are things that cannot be forgiven. I can't forgive Seth and God probably can't forgive me either. Another cycle.
Maybe I feel a little guilt deep down, hidden. Otherwise, why would I have this kind of dreams? That could be the only reason. Unless Seth himself summons them from the afterlife, which I seriously doubt. But I will get over this. On this too.
The door suddenly opened and I stopped staring at the table top and raised my head. It was my mother, with dishevelled hair, and round, puffy eyes, in a nightgown. It was as if I had seen my reflection, we were both so tired and resigned.
„Why are you sitting here?" She asked in a surprised voice.
„I couldn't sleep." Which is quite obvious, sitting at the kitchen table around four in the morning.
„Me neither."
She said and sat down next to me. We were both silent. Mother has changed. I knew for a while but I tried to ignore it. But I can't anymore. This person sitting next to me... So distant and foreign. And that's what I did to her. That's because she talked to Édoard Elliott and found out what was really going on with Seth. But not only this screwed her, but also the rest... She lost her son and when she managed to accept it, it turns out that he didn't leave on his own, tearing open the already scarred wound. She had to start the whole healing process all over again. And again when she discovered the truth. I wanted to apologize but...
„You know..." I turned to her but she interrupted me with a movement.
„Don't!" That one word almost burst out of her mouth. „Don't say anything you'll regret later." She asked more gently.
After looking into her eyes, I recoiled. So many doubts, questions and fears swirled in her gaze. But no matter what thoughts tormented her or what possible events came to her mind with the most horrible possible scenario, she had no hatred. She didn't hate me or him. We were both her children and she couldn't condemn either of us. Even if her children destroyed each other and, as a result, her as well.
I wanted to say something comforting, but what would that be in this situation? Don't worry, no bigger catastrophe will come? Come on! How would I know that? And how could this sentence be reassuring? I sighed.
„Nothing is your fault." I murmured, got up and walked back to my room.
I don't know which of her assumptions were confirmed by this, or which of her fears came true, nor how much this made her despair and fall into depression. I didn't say it because I wanted to achieve anything. I just wanted to let her know, that whatever happened it wasn't because she did anything wrong. She did everything in her power. She brought us up the way she saw fit, and it's not her fault that we've become so messed up. It was up to us.
Arriving in my room, I was slightly surprised to discover Ailish lying on my bed, blinking up at me from there.
„And you?" I asked the same question as my mother asked a little earlier.
„I had a bad dream." She whispered. Doesn't anyone in this house have a restful night anymore?
I finally got over it and lay next to her. She curled up next to me and closed her eyes. Calypse jumped onto the bed and settled comfortably on it. I'll freak out if he tells me now that he couldn't sleep either.
Fortunately, he stayed quiet like a good cat.
I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. My bed got a little crowded. I can't throw Ailish out though. I closed my eyes in the end. Okay, just let me sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up to the phone ringing. Again? But there were noticeable changes in the room. Ailish and Calypse have disappeared.
I almost fell out of bed trying to get out to go to the phone. It was ringing for a while and it might be something important.
"Hello?" I said in a questioning tone.
"Shaelynn, is that you?" The caller asked.
"Yes." I answered a little uncertainly. "And who are you?" I heard laughter.
" Liam, I am Liam." I was frozen and needed a few moments.
'What do you want, Liam?" My voice became much colder.
"I just want to apologize. I've wanted to talk to you for a long time. I know I acted like a prick and I am sorry. Honestly. But no matter how many times I asked, Shannon didn't give me your number. Then I remembered that we have a great invention, the phone book, so I gave it a try. From then on it was child's play to find you." He sounded very proud and satisfied.
"How wonderful!" I think my tone showed how different my opinion was on this matter. Even though that night seems so far away now and I don't hold a grudge against him, it still brings back unpleasant memories. I lost my head that day. "Thanks for calling but I have to go. Bye!"
"Wait!" He asked but I didn't care and hung up.
I wonder, what time it is. I was about to go to the kitchen when the phone started ringing again. Damn it! Does he never give up?
"I think I've made it clear how disinterested I am in you." I muttered into the receiver without saying hello, rudely. But my God! It is still morning. Or not? There was silence for a moment, then stifled laughter.
"I just wanted to ask if you would like to have breakfast with me." Rhys! Against my will, my heart began to pound rapidly. "But if you don't want to, that's okay. I would have even invited you for coffee."
"I thought it was someone else." I whispered a little embarrassed.
"That's reassuring." I could almost see his smile. "So, what do you think?" I should probably say no. That would be the safer option. But I don't want to. I want to see and talk to him. Even if there are many things against it. Maybe, but just maybe I like him. And that scared me, but it also made me excited.
„An hour from now." I said in the end and he didn't ask where, because he knew exactly. He said goodbye and hung up, and I finally made it to the kitchen.
I found a note from Mother. Why didn't she wake me up? Wasn't she able to look me in the eye? Or straight at me? It couldn't have been that long since they left because it wasn't too late. After breakfast, I can still make it to the first class.
I fed Calypse, although Ailish may have fed it too, but never mind, and then I went back to my room.
However, for the first time in my life I was faced with a problem: what should I wear? I am so pathetic. Why am I excited about stupid clothes? But still! First time in my life, I wanted to be pretty for a specific person. Not that my closet offered the opportunity for that. I mainly had jeans, simple T-shirts and big hoodies. Plain, everyday stuff. But that's how I am. If he doesn't like me like that, then he is not worth the effort in the first place.
Finally, I decided on black jeans, a white shirt and a sweater. Nothing fancy. I don't even have make-up. I'd rather not borrow my mother's; I'm not good at these things anyway. I would probably end up looking like a monster if I tried.
I combed my hair, brushed my teeth, took my cello and put it in the van. I went back to the house, wrapped my scarf around my neck and put on my jacket. I got into the car and set off.