I knew it. As soon as I entered the house, I knew. Édoard Elliot met my mother and told her what Rhys had told me. I found her in the kitchen, staring blankly at the table.
She looked somewhat older than the last time I saw her and I knew she had been crying. I wish she could tell me exactly why. I am not sure Seth is the only reason anymore.
Life leaves traces on us. Not only inside, but also outside. Slowly, and sometimes incredibly fast. This time I could see these traces.
I greeted her, but she didn't react at all. I could have pressed the conversation but I didn't want to. She had never seemed so fragile before, I just didn't want to hurt her. She needed time to come to terms with it.
I left her and found Ailish in the living room watching TV and writing her math homework.
„Don't you think it would be faster if you turn off the TV?" I asked and she grimaced.
„I need something fun when I am doing it, or else it would just be torture to deal with it." She mumbled and crossed out something in her exercise book in a quick motion. At that moment, she resembled Yagami Light too much. I sat down next to her.
„What is it that you don't understand?" I peered into her notebook.
„It would be more correct to ask: What is that you understand?" She looked more and more upset with each passing moment. „We have a new teacher and he is a disaster. He can't teach at all!" Frustration erupted from her. „He explains something in a hundred ways and we just stare at him, not understanding anything. Then, even though we told him our problems, he didn't change his teaching method at all. And he gives minuses! Minuses!" I tried to hide my smile but I couldn't. Seeing this, her eyes flared up in anger. „Don't smile, Miss Math-Genius! Only math illiterates can understand this pain, not you!"
„Shall I explain?" I asked, still smiling and she glanced at me strangely. „What is it?"
„You are surprisingly cheerful. Why?" She looked at me searchingly.
„Can't I be happy for no reason?" I pretended to be surprised.
„You don't used to. You're not usually cheerful, especially not without reasons." I sighed in defeat.
„I had a good day, that's all." Not that that was enough for her, but I refused to say more. „Sooo...." I tapped her notebook and began an exhaustive explanation.
It took me an hour to make her understand everything and it took her another half hour to do her homework. After she was done, she stretched out and then disappeared into her room. Calypse followed her and I reached for my phone to call Shannon.
„Hello!" She shouted vigorously into the phone. „Dad is much better now and the doctor said he can be with us for a long time if he takes care of himself. But I think it's better if I take care of him. I am better at it. What about you? How are you?"
„I am glad your father is feeling better. I will visit him if he doesn't mind. I am fine. But more importantly, how are you?" I was still worried about her.
„I feel great!" I could almost see her grin. „Really." She added a little more seriously. „By the way, what happened to Rhys?" She changed the subject rather obviously.
„What do you mean?" I was surprised. And why are you so casual when you talk about him?
„I think he is a really good guy. And he's totally into you. Why else would he have bothered with me, a stranger in the hospital? Because of his father too, of course. He said he knows how it feels to me since he's already lost his, but..." I suddenly felt very grateful for him, and my discomfort disappeared. Now I can be glad that she wasn't alone when I couldn't be there. „So?" I missed some sentences because I didn't know what she was asking.
„So what?" I asked back. She made a disgruntled, whiny sound.
„Will you give him a chance?" Will I? Or have I already done so? Does the fact that I didn't feel nauseous after the kiss and didn't hit him mean that? A chance? For both of us?
„He called me this morning." I remembered Liam too, but didn't want to think about him. „He invited me to breakfast and we walked a bit." This was a refined version of my day.
„Really?" She shrieked. She was completely ecstatic. „Why didn't you say it sooner? And did anything interesting happen?"
„What do you find interesting?" I inquired as she chuckled mysteriously.
„Not what you. But something just happened." She insisted on it.
„He kissed me." I said hesitantly, and even the memory triggered something in me. Something strange, but good.
„At least with his tongue?" Damn you, Shannon! I felt myself turning red, and not because of the memory, but because I imagined it. It was embarrassing how much I was intrigued by the possibility.
„No." I grumbled reluctantly.
„Haha!" She laughed out loud. „Unbelievable! You're offended that he didn't kiss you properly." And she laughed again. A thud could be heard. „Oops, the lamp!"
„I am not sulking." I didn't even think about the type of kisses before. But now that Shannon brought it up, I was curious and wondered why he was only giving me a chaste kiss. Did he want to go slowly and be careful with me or is there another reason? „It was very nice."
„I believe that, dear." She changed to a condescending tone. „But you want something more." She probably wanted to laugh evilly, but it just sounded silly. „But you didn't get it. Incredible! I didn't think this could ever happen." Me neither.
„Are you done making fun of me?" I asked after she was silent.
„No, not yet." She replied and started laughing again. She probably found my situation amusing partly, but now that her father was out of danger, she felt so relieved that the tension left her in this way. She just couldn't stop. But I didn't have the patience of a saint so I hung up. When it started ringing again, I just ignored it and put it in my pocket.
Then I happened to look at my tattoo. In the end, it didn't play the role Shannon envisioned. It didn't teach me to live with the past, and I don't think I am going to live a long and happy life. How could I?
But this tattoo reminds me of Shannon, her faith in me and her steadfast, unshakable friendship. And that's more than enough for me. Because of this, I won't forget that there is someone ready to support and understand me, no matter how down I am.
„Shaelynn?" My mother's voice was unexpected so I flinched. Then I went back to her in the kitchen. She pulled herself together and seemed somewhat normal. „The police called me today." Her voice trembled a little. „They will return Seth's body to us." Her gaze was hard and broken at the same time, like a mirror that shattered into pieces. But these pieces were sharp, as are her eyes. „I will start organizing the funeral tomorrow." It was more of a bitter sigh than a sentence.
„May I help?" There was nothing I wanted less than this, but I felt obliged to offer it.
Are we going to play this tragic piece forever? She's going to pretend that she doesn't know anything and I'm going to pretend that nothing bad ever happened? I am not against it, but it sounds excruciatingly exhausting.
„There is no need. I can handle it on my own." She replied and I was incredibly relieved. I didn't want to deal with Seth. I was plenty of enough for me to see him in my dreams, and sometimes I felt as if I could catch a glimpse of him on the streets. It tired me more and more.
„Okay, but if there is something..." I turned back before leaving the room.
„I will tell you." She promised, so I went into my room, took out my notebook and wrote.
The next morning we all looked more tired than before. It was another restless night. Ailish seemed like she was about to pass out and hit the table with her head, and Mother stirred her coffee for 5 minutes without pausing or blinking. And I felt like I could faint at any moment due to lack of sleep. It's a shame that I have to go to my classes because I've been neglecting my studies lately.
Maybe I should move closer to the university. I am already 23 years old, it's time to stand on my own two feet. I should start living my own life.
But how can I do that if I can't put the past behind me? Although I have indeed made some progress. I spent less time thinking about the injustice of the past and cursing at Seth less often in my head. It was as if his hold on me - like a rope - had weakened. I thought less about the past and looked more into the future. But of course, I had my bad days too. But I only had bad days a few months ago, so this is obviously an improvement. A small step for humanity, but a huge step for me. I smiled a bit.
Then the coffee spilled over the tablecloth and left a dark stain on it. Mom looked at her watch in alarm. The frozen immobility of the morning was gone.
„We will be late." She stated with the indifference of tired people. Ailish raised her head, very slowly.
„Then we should go." I recommended and they started getting ready. Soon I was alone but that didn't bother me. I usually like it that way, but the silence can also become unbearable. I guess it depends on my mental state and mood.
I got up at an easy pace, gathered my things and got into the car. Another day, another struggle.
I felt like I had arrived very quickly because my mind was elsewhere and luckily my usual place was also free. After getting out of my car I smiled up at the sky. I had no idea why. Maybe because Rhys said he likes my smile. Although he wasn't here to see it, but it felt good. Just smiling for no reason. I just hope the people around me won't think I have lost my mind. Whatever. Today, I don't care what they think. I am satisfied, even if I can't be happy.
„Shaelynn!" Hearing my name, I looked in that direction. Unsurprisingly it was Shannon and unsurprisingly she was grinning. She ran towards me without looking around.
„Shannon, you need to be more careful in the parking lot." I scolded her in a serious tone but she dismissed my concern with a wave of her hand.
„God loves me." She said as if that explained her irresponsibility.
„And that's why the car doesn't hit you?" I raised an eyebrow skeptically but she didn't really care.
„Tell me everything!" Her eyes sparkled with excitement. „How was the kiss?"
„I guess it was just like any other kiss." I shrugged.
„No, no!" She shook her head vehemently. „No two kisses are alike. Each one is a little different."
„I don't have anything to compare it to."
„Hmmm." She thought about it. „This needs to be fixed as soon as possible."
„Which means?" I was curious but afraid.
„We have to get him to kiss you. Or you can kiss him." She got lost in her thoughts for a while then shook her head. „No. It will be better if he takes the initiative at the beginning of your relationship. Come with me!"
She grabbed my hand, and I followed her, terrified of the plan ahead of me. What else could I have done? Should I have knocked her down? Should I have run away? Come on! She would have come after me. It was easier for me to accept my fate.