I was lying on the couch, briefly closing my eyes, and as always, my mind was filled with memories of us. For the past few years, these memories have kept me alive and given me hope of finding him someday.
We will realize the worth of someone when they slip from our hands and take it for granted when they are around. Strange human tendencies and hats off to my aloofness and ignorance.
When I was in my own thoughts, I sensed someone staring at me, and the same person took his place on the same couch by taking my legs and placing them on his lap. I didn't bother to open my eyes, as I knew who it was. He was waiting patiently for some response, and when he didn't get any, my legs were abruptly pushed onto the ground. Can't he give me a fucking break? I took my legs back into knee position and was staring at him, and he was staring back.
"What the hell are you going to do?" "About?" "About us fucking bastard. About us? If you fucking forgot, we are still engaged." "What do you want me to do, Ed?" "Answer me the dam question rather than questioning back bastard." "Whatever you want. I am ok." "Why is it so hard to win over you?" I could only chuckle at that. If only I knew the answer, if my mind was clear enough to see things, and if my heart could recognize the feelings and reciprocate. If only everything had happened in time, I would have been saved from going through everyday agony and giving false hope.
"I made it very clear from the very beginning. Only your stubbornness led you to this level, and I know I am equally responsible for everything. I am sorry, Ed; please forgive me." "That's all you could come up with. Fucking sorry. I tried every fucking thing. I mean every shitty thing. How come a few years with Gray can beat mine? We have known each other since childhood, and I have loved you for eternity." "Feelings are hard to predict, I guess. You have a special place in my heart, but not as you wanted. I want you in my life, and again, in my way, not yours. I want you to be happy always. With all my heart, I will do everything in my power." "And my happiness is sharing my life with you." "And what about mine, Ed? Will you be happy to share your life with me? Which I never value, not in the in the near future." Ed was staring at me any second to rip me off thought and again he was not that cruel. This bastard would hurt himself rather than do something to me. Not to forget he has done the damages. We were silent and in deep thought.
"You have created your own world and blocked everyone around you. I am not getting if you fucking liked him so much. Why the hell were you fucking around and giving a shitty reason for keeping him with you?" "It was too late before I could realize, and my ego was blocking everything. I graved these things with my own hands; now it's an inevitable need to go through everything." "You deserve every ounce of it, and I am not regretting any of the actions you fucking forced me." "I am not blaming you, and I know I deserve this." "Right. I really fucking hate you so much. I hope you end up this way forever." "No, trust me. I am going to find him." "As things are going, you are going to end up in a mental hospital." "No, not before finding him." "That confidence after these many years is unbelievable. You are a fucking psychopath; do you realize that?" A smile formed on my face, and I like the word psychopath for Gray; I can turn into anything. "Back to earth, you fucking bastard." By saying that, Ed pinched me hard on my thighs. "I am fucking here, moron." "Yeah right." "You know, somewhere I do feel that you die alone. Keep some backup for the safer side, you know like, Mateo." "You know, stop getting on my nerves, like I need a fucking break from you." "Yeah, fuck off, I am done with you. I am having an affair." I was stunned by this revelation. Indeed, shock. I hope he is fucking not joking. I am so done with him. I want him to get over me. "What really?" "Yeah, from the past year." From a year this bastard. "Good to hear, and good for you. I am happy for you." "You are not hurt? Not even a bit." "No, you need this, Ed, to move on from me. You are going to lose forever; trust me on this." "Yeah, whatever. I am thinking of moving in with him." "That's so soon, don't you think? Who the hell was that person, and when the hell did everything begin?" "We met at a party; it was an on-night stand. He took fancy of me and ended up meeting again and again. It's not so soon; it's been almost a year, and he is nagging me to move in with him. I never gave a serious thought, but now I think I should give a chance to someone." "Good to hear. You are not moving in without my consent. Introduce him to me and let me decide." "Hey, fuck off, ok. I can take my own decision and don't fucking interfere in my life." "I won't let you move in with a random person; forget it. You are arranging our meeting. Let me decide. What about Thomas? Does he know?" "Yeah, I have introduced him briefly." "Why are you telling me now, and why didn't you introduce him in the first place? Why did you take a year to discuss this with me?" "Because I was blind, and someday I had to accept reality. Besides, you don't like him, and I fucking don't care." "Don't tell me it's fucking Mateo." "Geez, no, it's David." "Who David." "Restaurant." "What restaurant? Wait a minute. Playboy. Are you out of your mind? I have collected everything I can about him. He is a fucking playboy gone mad. Forget about it. Heck no." "Hey, hold on to your horse. Look who is judging. He was. He shared everything with me. Now, he isn't." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, stop it. We should give a chance to everyone, irrespective of the past." "Does he know about Gray?" "Not fully, but he was fucking obsessed when I met him." "Yeah, in the near future, don't bring him anywhere near Gray." "First, find him, and after that, we will discuss once again." "That was a sarcastic comment with mockery." "Well, I can't help it." "Fuck off."
We started laughing. We didn't have any friendly conversations over the past few years and thank God something is back to normal, and I hope my life too soon.
"I am going to introduce him to you. Don't judge him based on his background. He is a struggling guy, as you know, and trust me when I say he is changed." "I am going to decide and noted, every point of yours. If I am not satisfied with him, I am not letting you move in mark my words." "Hey, like seriously." "Why would I joke?" "Hey, your life is fucked up. Concentrate on that, ok?" "Thanks to you, I guess, for contributing so much from your side, and I mean it. You better prepare before meeting me. Get going; your presence is annoying like hell." "Yeah, I got a date, and I will get going. Oh, I forgot to say you continue with your suffering." "Fuck off." "You fucking deserve it, bastard." I was tired, and in response, I was able to show my middle finger to him.
Nobody is getting this. This is fucking nice. This suffering is fucking nice, and I am in love with every second of it. God, I am turning into a mentally unstable person.
After a few days, Ed finally moved out of the mansion. I was happy for him. How the hell everything turned out was beyond me, but both were happy, and that was enough.
Thomas was still in shock. When Ed introduced him to David, he didn't take him seriously. But when Ed moved out, Thomas was baffled, not knowing how to digest everything. In fact, everyone was.
Maybe when the right one enters your life, he has the power to pull you out of anything, mask your pain, and win over your heart. Ed was not faking his feelings. His feelings were sincere toward David. I don't want to know how it happened, when, and all the bullshit. What mattered was that Ed was happy, and that was enough for me.
I don't know how much Ed shared about Gray with David, but David was keen on knowing about Gray's whereabouts. I have not answered his questions as it's none of his business, but still, he was curious, and I get that. He had helped Gray, and their bonding was different, which doesn't give him the fucking right to poke his nose in this matter.
I started living alone with our memories. Not even a day passed where I forgot about him and concentrated on other things. I didn't even try. I didn't want a day without Gray in it. Finally, I got to know what Thomas was trying to convey, and I never thought I would become my own example for better understanding.
Living with memories. This feeling is different. It gives everything except the physical touch of the same person. It was not satisfying, but it always builds hope and boosts our energy, never wanting to give up, and I am not going to give up on him, not in this life.
Memories were haunting. When we grave something with our own hands, we should welcome everything without any choice.
It was four years and not even a single update about Gray, not even a bloody clue. How the hell I was still positive was beyond me.
I was determined to get him back at any cost. There was this desire within me that kept me from losing hope and yearning to see him at least once. I was carving to feel him in my arms. The lust over him which was always overwhelming. Every dam thing is only increasing day by day.
I barely closed my eyes when one of the staff started knocking on the door. I didn't budge from bed. After a few minutes, my dad and sister started knocking and groaning, I was trying to open my eyes. My dad's voice was loud enough to get my attention, and finally, I dragged myself and opened the door. My dad didn't utter a word, and his eyes were puffy. He looked sadder than ever. My sister hugged me and started crying, and I knew what had happened.
I made my way to where my mother was, along with my dad and sister. I took my place beside her and stared at her face. She looked more at peace now. Finally, she bid her goodbye. Her struggle to date went in vain; not even a day did she open her eyes, nor did her body make any move, not even slightly. From day 1, she didn't give us any hope, and we tried our best until today. We were not letting her go, and now she was gone. No matter how hard we try, when it is time, everyone has to leave this world today, my mom, and tomorrow, anyone in this room.
I didn't cry, and I don't know why. She was finally resting, and that made me happy. We wouldn't let her go for as long as we would keep her on this deathbed, so finally she made her own call. This was good. Let her rest in peace.
Thomas took care of everything and arranged her memorial too. My dad was okay after his final words to his dearest wife, and my sister was non-stop crying.
After bidding my final goodbye to my mom, I was lying on the bed. I still remember how I poured my heart out in front of Gray on that particular day. I never shared those things with anyone, not even with Ed, but that day with Gray, everything flowed, and I collapsed in front of him without my knowledge. He didn't do anything; his presence and the way he was soothing my back were enough. A chuckle escaped from me as I remembered everything. After pouring my heart out the next minute, I was aroused.
There were so many signs, and I tentatively ignored them.
Damn my life without him.