I woke up late in the morning. By scrubbing my eyes, I started checking the room, and it was empty. My eyes fell on the nearby table. My cell phone, which I was using in the past, was attached with a note informing me that the old cell number is still active. By holding the cell, I was having second thoughts about using my old number. Should I throw away this SIM card and buy a new one? Should I use the old one? That means welcoming every old thing.
I made my way to the company. I was in the car and thinking about yesterday's incident. Without sleeping pills, I was not getting sleep, and yesterday it was like a miracle. My intention was totally different, and I ended up sleeping without my knowledge of that either. It's different. When I woke up, I was on my side, but I clearly remember ending up sleeping on him. Thank God, he didn't kick me or do anything else. Let me be as I was.
I was in my cabin checking the file when Thomas entered and took his seat. By acknowledging his presence, I was back on task. "So, how are things going?" I was blank for a few seconds and staring at the file. Things going blank, nothing. "He is not talking." "Like, what were you expecting exactly?" I closed the file and stared at Thomas. "What do you mean?" "What were you expecting exactly by forcing him again?" I averted my eyes. "Why? What happened?" Not finding an answer?" I was staring at the wall. I am expecting him to forget everything, and I am not able to bring those words through my mouth. There was a lump in my throat. "If things were in my hand, I wanted to go back and try to undo a few things." "Trust me, you would definitely end up doing the same thing." I wanted to argue about that, but I was not confident because Thomas knew me very well. "You are expecting him to forget everything and act like everything is bloody normal. Is that what you are trying to say and stopping yourself from saying?" How the hell can this old person read me so fucking well? "So, I am waiting." "Yeah, something like that." An ironic chuckle escaped from Thomas, indicating my stupidity. "Unbelievable. Still, you have not learned your bloody lesson, right?" "I wanted to talk. Is that too much to expect? I want to talk and seek out a few things. I want to clear the air between us. I want to discuss everything and give a permanent break to this misery. What is wrong with that?" "You are bloody pushing things again; that's your mistake. Give him the bloody time. It's only been two days. Don't push him; let him take his time. If you are willing to wait, then it's well and good, or else leave him alone, and this time I mean it." I gulped down. For leaving him alone, did I go through so much? Is he crazy? Why would I drag him back by spending so much? Money does not fucking matter. "If we didn't talk, then how the hell are things going to be okay between us?" "By spending so much and dragging him back, it doesn't indicate anything, right? In the past, you did the same, and now you are doing the same thing. This time you got the result; don't expect any next time." "What, what, do you mean?" "Stop turning things your way. It doesn't have to work your way every time. Let him do whatever he wants to do. Let him take his time. Let him decide things for himself. If possible, support him." "If, if, my breath was heavy and my eyes were wet, "I know what you are thinking. You can't expect him to forget everything just like that. What he had gone through was not a small incident." "I know, but if he distances himself from me. We are staying in the same room, and it feels like he is far away from me. He doesn't even see my face, avoiding me like a plague." "And who is responsible for turning things this way? The way you think and handle the company, if you use your brain the same way in your personal life, everything could be avoided, don't you think?" "Please stop pointing out my mistake; I need guidance over here." "And I gave it to you. Stop messing things up again and again. Let him decide what he wants." "I am not letting him go from my life, ever." "I know you won't. Stop pushing things. Can you at least do that?" "I will try my best." "Good, and if you want him to stay beside you, you will try your best."
I was facing the sealing and yeah, Thomas was bloody right. "Of course, of course. I never thought I would be obsessed over a guy like this." "You were from Day 1, and you are realizing it now." I was in shock. Like heck, I was. By facing him. "I was not." "I bet that you were. Why do you think Ed was upset and did stupid things?" "He knew? How come? I mean, I wasn't even aware." "That's the thing you were not aware of your feelings. When you realized he was long gone, "Thanks for the heads up." "Don't blame me. You were in no position to accept any of my suggestions. At least try to consider it now." "Like, I do have a choice over here. I can't depend on anyone other than you, and yes, I will follow your advice." "Good. We should get going for the meeting." "Give me 10 minutes, and I will be there." "Ok." Thomas exited my cabin.
My mind was in a state of chaos. I get Thomas; I really get him, but following his words was a hell of a task.
For some reason, the incident that occurred five years ago came to mind, followed by his escape. I always felt something off about his escape. He wanted to get rid of me, but as soon as he was out of the coma, he escaped just like that. 50% theory of the doctor is kind of ringing the bell. Was he aware? Was his brain active at that time, grasping things? Is it even possible? What if it was possible? The sentence came out of the blue, and I was petrified. It was only what if, and I was stunned for a few seconds. My mind was repeating the same what if, and I was horrified thinking about the coming days. I can't lose him again. My mind kept yelling, but only it could reach Gray. I was frightened to lead a life without him. Five years was a hell. Was he going to push me once again into the same agony? I received a call on the intercom reminding me of the meeting, and everyone was waiting for me. I fixed myself and took a few seconds to regain my posture. It was working outside, but inside I was feeling dread.
In the meeting room now and then, I kept checking my cell regarding updates about Gray's whereabouts. He was in a restaurant, reading a book.
Once the meeting was concluded, I was in my cabin, concentrating on the file that needed my approval for further processing. I was not able to concentrate in the meeting or on this file. I want to change things but am not sure where to start. I thought everything would be sought out and come to an end once I found Gray, but things between us are taking a different turn. It's been only three days; I got it, and I am also getting how much he resents me. I deserve this treatment for everything I have done in the past. Can't he get back to me some other way, like not this way? He doesn't acknowledge my presence. It's been ages since I heard his tone, and now it's going to reach a decade, I guess. Doing something is fucking good than doing nothing. This silent treatment is killing me.
If this silent treatment goes on for months or years together, I am going to bear it without complaint. My biggest question is: will he open up ever again? Will I be successful in getting back to where I rightfully belong? His resentment toward me is giving off a completely different vibe.
My head started to ache from too much thinking. I want everything to end soon, like every goddam thing, and yeah, this time luck is not in my favor. The word luck won't work in my personal life, and if it did, I bet I would have been a genius at ignoring signs.
There was another notification. I opened the notification; this time Gray had company, and it was a totally new face. I ignored it; he could have a bloody social life; nothing wrong with it. Thomas' words kept ringing, don't push him, and blah, blah, yeah, and trust me, this time I am fucking following every word of that old hag. This time, I tried my best to give my full attention to the work in hand. It's been an hour, and I received one more notification. Still, the same guy was talking with him, and the smile that was surfing was agitating me. Once again, I ignored it and let him take his time, the same bullshit words. Thomas didn't mean with others, right?
I was back on task. I was not successful, but I was forcing myself to concentrate on the file or else I would end up doing some stupid thing. After another 20 minutes, I received the image with no changes in the posture. It took me exactly five minutes to be beside Gray and in front of the guy who was fucking flirting, which was outrageous.
Gray was stunned, followed by anger, and the guy was confused. "Hi, there are so many empty places, and you are intruding." "How come? I am beside my boyfriend, and I am the intruder." He was baffled. By clearing his throat. "Ok, sorry, we were just talking. Hi, I am Nathan." "Yeah, for the past one and a half hours, you were doing that. You are talkative. Please go on, don't fucking mind my presence." He was feeling awkward. Why the heck, God knows? "I am suddenly feeling awkward." "Because of me. You can continue flirting; I am giving you my full permission." "No, no, I wasn't. We were just talking." "Right." "I think I should get going." "You think?" "Ok. I will get going." He was watching Gray to get his number or something. The nerve of this guy. I wanted to lash out, but I was controlling. Gray stood up and started walking. I followed him promptly. Gray entered the car, and we were on the way to the mansion.
The whole ride was silent. He was facing the window, and I was facing him. I didn't follow Thomas' words, at least for a day. I was not even sorry for my actions, like when I was. That guy was clearly flirting. Who the hell will try to hold a conversation continuously for an hour or more without a bloody ulterior motive?
We reached the mansion. He was walking toward our room, and I was following him. This ignorance is kind of annoying and a reminder that it's only been three days. Reality check: it may take years, so be prepared.
After entering, he made his way to the bathroom, and it was going to take him more than an hour to come out. What the hell is his attachment to that bathroom, for fuck's sake? I was waiting patiently. Before, I would never have thought to enter just like that, and now I don't have the same guts. What a change in the scenario! He took his time and came out of the bathroom. I made my way to take a shower. By the time I came out, he was nowhere to be found. I made my way to the dining table, and he was having dinner. There are no complaints about not waiting; at least he is not showing his anger over the food.
After having dinner, we went back to the room. Promptly, he was on his side of the bed. I was lying on my side, a little closer to him. I was praying for him to turn my side, and he did. At some point, our eyes met for a few seconds, and the next second, I was facing his back. This urge to grab and get him on my arm was flooding, but I suppressed doing any stupid thing. I controlled.
I moved a little further so we could feel each other. I wrapped a hand around him, and he threw it away. Once again, I wrapped it, but this time it was tighter. "Leave me the fuck alone." For the first time, those words came out of his mouth. At last, something I heard, thank God for that, and I was overwhelmed. "You know, let's concentrate on possible things. What you are expecting is not going to happen like never." He was burning in anger and trying his best to get rid of my hand. "Trust me, I will make you give up." "Well, you are free to dream, and trust me, I will make sure it won't come to reality in this life." He was irritated, and I totally get it. This thing getting on his nerves has become a habit for me. I can't help it. I am doomed because of him and for him in this life. A smile appeared on my face, and the hold on Gray was even tighter.