The fear of losing my heart. Did I just say that? Hmmm. 'Heart.' Yes, he is my heart. Until I found him, I was living soullessly. The ache and the agony that I had gone through have been completely replaced by 'fear' of losing him again. The dread feeling started when I forced him to come with me. It's been a few hours, and the feeling of losing him started to engulf me.
He is my heart and my soul mate in this life, and I can't lose him again.
Gray drifted to sleep, and I was wide awake. I should have been relieved that he was finally beside me, but that was not the case. The hold on him was tighter. What I am proving it by holding him tight and hugging him in a in a suffocating way. Strangely, every act of mine is making me distressed. Finally, he was in my arms, and I was feeling stressed enough to close my eyes. Fear within the blink: anything could happen, and I may lose him again. That's impossible. I was on high alert this time, and I have arranged everything accordingly. Still, this thing that's surpassing within me is making me restless.
He looks mature and calmer, which scares me for many reasons. He is no longer the feisty one who wanted to rip me off. If he was cursing and showing his emotions on his face, that would be very good. His calmness is killing me.
What the hell should I do to overcome our past and lead a peaceful life? Is it even possible anytime soon? It may take years, and I am not going to give up. I will do everything that is within my power. I will erase everything. I want him, and I will make sure of it.
The next day, we were at the dining table, including my sister. I think I am not going to find peace anytime soon because of her. She is fucking married; why the hell will she always barge into my place for fuck's sake? I suppressed myself. I know why she is here, and as always, she doesn't know how to mind her fucking business. As usual, I should teach her by kicking her out.
I was giving her a death glare, and she ignored me and took her seat, gesturing for me to take mine. After a few minutes, Gray joined us. "We need to talk." "Not now, later." "It's important." "Now breakfast is much more important to me. You can wait over here or else in the study room." "I didn't have my breakfast." "Concentrate on that, then." "Fine."
The food was served, and we were having it in silence. In between, I was observing Gray, who was solely dedicated to food-consuming tasks. Stealing his glimpse now and then, I felt like a teenager. This is fucking scary, especially my day-by-day obsession with him. Without my knowledge, I was staring at him, and my sister's sarcastic cough forced me to avert my eyes. I hate this witch disguised as a human.
We finished the breakfast, and Gray was preparing to go somewhere. By clearing my throat. "Hmmm. Have you planned to go anywhere today? You can take the car." Gray stared at me for a few seconds, and without uttering a word, he left the mansion.
"That was a hell of a response. Congratulations. So, if you are finally free, can we talk now?" "Yeah, go on, I am all ears." "Josh, are you aware, like seriously? Before, it was not okay for so many reasons, and now the situation is worse. What the hell are you thinking by dragging him back here? After what happened? It's been five years, and he doesn't want to deal with you anymore. Trust me, you don't like the consequences this time." "Are you done? I am getting late." "Are you aware of what you invited?" "Totally, I know what I am doing, so rest assured that whatever the outcome, I am ready for it. Don't talk to him, and don't provoke him. If you can't breathe the same air as Gray's, please don't ever visit." "What? Are you fucking serious? That too, because of him?" "If you behave, I don't have any problem with your visit." "You idiot, I am worried about you. Are you getting what I am trying to convey? He has changed. He is not like before. You will end up getting hurt. Before, I was worried because of his background. At present, after whatever happened, "I know, I know. Please stop it. I know. I know what I am doing. I remember every damn thing. How can I forget anything? Don't interfere; no provocations; and no bloody fighting. Stay away from him, and I mean it." "Ok. If you say so, Expected answer. I am going to stay for a few days." "You have sworn to yourself not to let me be in peace, and guess what? I have digested the fact. Stay as many days as you want if you are following my rules." "Whatever you should get going." "Have a good day." With that, I was on my way to the company.
I was walking—I don't know where—just walking wherever my legs were taking me. So much has changed. Yeah, five years should expect some changes. I thought of visiting David. It's been five years since I left, just like that. Now, everything would be questioned, and that's secondary to whether I was going to answer or not. Wounds will be opened. I can't face him, not only for that particular reason. He had done so much for me, and I left. It's been five years; at least I didn't try to contact him, not even once. I washed out everyone in fear of one bastard.
I was walking on a street, and these eyes on me were from everywhere, like from every dam side. I have been followed, and I know who was behind it. If I am not fucking wrong, I have been followed for like a decade, and only today am I fucking realizing it. What could I have possibly done if I had realized before? Like, could I stop anything? Nothing was in my control or my life, either. I was once again controlled by every dam thing.
I have become numb from everything. I am not able to overcome or react to anything. I wanted to run away, and I knew this time my legs would be tied by unknown sources and invisible thread. The way I have been stalked is the best example. I knew the source, and I couldn't do anything.
By sighing, I was sipping coffee in a restaurant. These emotions in me had taken a diversion. When he left me, deep down, I always wanted him to come back. I never accepted the fact, but deep down, I always wanted. When he came back, every emotion started engulfing me. Like everything. Those were never in my control; always, his face was enough to pull out anything within me.
Now, I have surrendered myself. My emotions were too tired to lash out.
I started roaming, visiting the few places that I missed the most, and I felt nothing, neither calm nor warm, just empty like me.
It was evening, and I was blank, thinking about where to go next. I sat on the bench in the park, facing the sky, thinking. What have I got here? Family? Friends? Relatives? Something that belongs to me. I have a nameless relationship that always pushes me to the edge and lends a hand when I want to let go of everything—always testing my patience and forcing me to adopt things.
Needy. When you are needy, is it necessary to go through every unnecessary thing and become a victim? Am I that needy that I am welcoming everything?
It was already dark, just like my life right now. I didn't have any place to go other than where I was living, and I couldn't end up anywhere else.
After entering the mansion, I made my way toward the room. I took few minutes of rest and made my way to the heaven. I started watching the trees.
After a few minutes, I heard a knock on the door. "Yes." "Dinner is ready sir." "I had snacks late in the evening, and I am not feeling hungry. Thank you." "We have been instructed about skipping the meals." "Well, I can't help it when I am full. Please leave me alone." "Ok, sorry, please carry on, sir." By sighing, I took a long shower and went off to bed, praying that sleep would take over soon.
It was midnight when I heard the door opening and closing. Beside me, the bed was compressed. His hand was on my waist, forcefully turning me to face him. My eyes were shut, forcefully shut. "You have not slept. Open your eyes." I tried my best to get rid of his grip, and yeah, it totally went in vain. "You skipped your dinner." His grip was still tight, but somehow, I managed to turn and was facing the sealing. "Don't show your anger on the dam food." I rolled my eyes. He sighed and was on top of me. By holding my collar, he spoke. "Talk to me." I didn't meet his eyes or utter a word. His hand was on my jaw, making me face him, which was successful only for a split second, not more than that. He was staring; I was getting that and didn't bother to acknowledge any. Finally, he gave up and wrapped his hands around me, and his head was on my chest, listening to my heartbeat. After a few minutes, his breath was low and steady. I was perplexed for a few second, did he fucking sleep just like that.
I can't believe this. Why the hell things end up in his way. I wanted to push him. My hands were itching to do that. I couldn't.
I was staring at his posture. I don't know how long I did that. Unknowingly, my hand was on his hair, which was disheveled, indicating how much he had stressed out the whole day.
How can a person sleep within a few minutes? Here, I have been fucking trying for a few hours. After a few minutes, he was making his position comfortable however he wanted, and I couldn't stop the chuckle that left my mouth.