Shushin POV
I was sitting on the balcony, which was spacious, with two comfortable chairs and a table, and a bright lamp above me, even though the moonlight was enough for me and my nostalgia. I was sitting overlooking the blue sky and the vast sea, as if I were in heaven and I only remembered myself.
Xiao Yan came in and sat next to me, "Are you okay?"
"Is there a reason I shouldn't be?"
She sighed and stood up to rest her hands on the balcony railing, "I just can feel you sometimes. You seem more immersed in your thoughts than ever."
I wanted to keep my little, or not really small, secret, but I didn't want to be too pathetic, but maybe because I was really tired, and because the weather was really beautiful, I felt that it was okay, and I felt that I was fine, moments like this make me happy despite my sadness. I feel like there was a reason in the air that made me free, so I let go of my unjustified caution, "He is my first love, and I am his first love."
She said, and her voice did not sound surprised at all, "Oh, you have really good taste, so is your love over?"
I stood up to stand next to her, "I wish it wasn't like this. I feel like it's a trivial story, but for some reason there's something that makes me not diminish it. I don't want to remember or forget. I put it in a forgotten room somewhere in my mind, just as he threw me, my memories, and his past love in The vault of his heart," I looked at her, and said, "I can't forget him, Xiao Yan. My whole life, my whole life. I never loved someone like him, and I never loved myself until then, but he forgot me, and passed over me. His promises were mortal, Xiao Yan. How can we become just strangers?" I never thought that I would think about losing his love. I wished, I wished, that we had another destiny. He was the light of my life"
She looked at me, and she did not feel pity for me, but with a pure heart, she was sad for me.
She put her hands on my shoulders gently, "Shushin, the world doesn't deserve you."
I looked at her with a smile and a tear rolled down my cheek. I felt like I was finally seen... After him, the world destroyed me. My shattered world returned. I fled from the world to him. He took me to a wide world and then threw me into the sea, and I was sad, because he showed me hope and then took it from me.
"It's killing me, i don't love him anymore, i let him go After many attempts. But still when i feel empty again he come, as if he's telling me, you set me free but i won't, i will hunt you forever, is there an explanation for this? To always remember even when your over it? Or does this mean that i still love him and miss him? I cannot forgive him or myself. I blamed him first, then I blamed myself, then I blamed fate, the world, his family, my family, and my life. And then I knew, whoever left your hand first was the one who sinned."
"Maybe you will never get over it, because it was summer, it was hot in day and nice in night, he was sweet, and so you were, all in love, so in love, so maybe you will keep missing him, because he was the only light in your life then. Sometimes, Shushin, love is a rescue boat, and sometimes love is a tsunami wave. There is no need to blame yourself. He left your hands, and maybe he loved you and maybe not, but you, Shushin, tried love, and you were happy. This pain made you what you are. No one can ever understand your pure love, every love story, even if it's the same as the other, is different."
"I think it's because i told him i would never forget him, i will always love him, and if we had a chance and met again, i will be with him, i guess i put a curse on myself. I hunted my soul myself, no one to blame but me.."
I continued, "It was sunny. He walked beside me under the falling red flowers. We walked side by side, laughing, with butterflies in our hearts and eyes. We felt curious about each other, even though I wanted to live my whole life with him, and I intended to spend every moment with him. However, I think that my love should be abandoned now.
I am grateful for our memories and I fell in love with the moment I was alive, but sometimes we have to die in order to live, even if that means that I will never forget for the rest of my life. I do not have to forget, but rather live with the memories."
"Maybe the greatest love is never complete, and maybe you will fall in love with him again, forgive yourself and him, and finish what you started."
I smiled, "No, because I will remember... As much as there are good memories, the sad ones are broken. I must admit, his love saved me but he also destroyed me. We cannot be together. My heart is already broken and I feel sorry for myself. I did not want to see him again, and after Today, I won't."
"For me, I would put him above family and friends, because he was my lover, my friend, and my family. He were everything, but for him, family and friends are more beloved than love, more important than me. Maybe he's are right, and I, who did not have the other things, did not understand him and will not understand him. I envy him, because he have things to go to so I'm just a side thing, while he was everything, I hate that I gave him my heart. In fact, we are very similar, but also different. We are both affectionate, but when we give up on something we never go back. When we make up our minds, it is goodbye. Unfortunately, he made up his mind at that time. He did not want any of those things, because he found the price to be high. I wished that He did not pretend to be bold when he was going to leave me behind, saying that he would return. I know full well that he is a lying boy, but it is good that I was able to meet someone who comforted me and made me feel warm. Now he is not the man I loved. He never cared for me. He abandoned me."
I took out a red umbrella. It was a gift from Ha Shin with handwriting on it. I let the wind carry it away, just like Niao. I had something to hold on to, but in the end we both gave up on that thing. We wanted to finally love ourselves and allow ourselves forgiveness. We couldn't bear to hold on to things. Which passes quickly with water from now on, I decided to forget that love that stuck in my heart for a long time, and with this I am writing my last letter to you. Knowing that it will never reach you as long as you live:
"Hello, we met in the summer. It was sunny this year. We walked side by side under the falling red roses. I had never felt this way. I was falling in love with you before, but from the moment I met you I knew that you would be stuck in my memory for a long time. I also knew that our love might not last long, but I continued with the hope that God would fulfill my strong desire to stay by your side. But my wish was never fulfilled, as our separation came quickly before I could enjoy my time with you. You will live your entire life, Ha Shin, and you will get married and love again, and you will probably never know that you were my spring, my hope, and the light of my life, and perhaps in the future I will be able to smile when your name comes before me. Since I do not hate you, but you do not understand the meaning of hope leaving, and being prevented from approaching, you have placed a thousand doors around you, and I wonder if one day you will know my feelings, but that will be too late, perhaps I will have forgotten you, and I think this is another lie like any other. A lie I told myself. I really hope you forget me, this will be very painful but that's okay, since you told me to forget you then and that made me angry, so how can I forget? How can you dare to tell me this? This was an additional wound on top of my wound. I hope that if you remember me, you will remember me as a caring and special woman who made your summer beautiful. I know that our love destroyed you as it destroyed me, and that our love disturbed your life as it did to me. We both suffered in different ways, that love. What made us laugh like crazy made us go crazy in the end, I know I shouldn't blame you, But the people you abandoned me for are not sincere in their love for you as i was.
I felt sad because you held on to something that destroyed your life, your heart, my heart, and my life. You held on to something that was not worth it, and in doing so you hurt my heart, which will only want love and I thought I would find it in a place full of thorns. You told me not to cry again, that you would change my life, and in the end you were no longer the man I loved, and I was no longer what I used to be. I hope you will walk away from things. That hurt you, I saw myself in you, since no one will remember you in the end, just like me, but you left in the end, and I did not leave. So I'll say goodbye to the memory, will you know? That you were my hope, my love, the light of my life? But then my life was no longer what it used to be. My world turned upside down and you weren't even here. You didn't console me and I would have consoled you, of course. So I think I should say goodbye to you exactly as you wanted. This took me a long time again, where I can't give up. The past you as you see, this is the kind of woman I am, it's tiring being me, I'm afraid to still love you, And if I were grateful for something, I actually have a lot to be grateful for, but the most important thing is that you were the only good person I was friends with, so thank you. I wish we had not loved. Then we would have been friends and I would not have been alone. I would have had you for a lifetime. I would have consoled you and been Your friend, I am tired, my friend, and my journey begins now. When I see you, I get old memories
that died in the past. I'm still in my sad days, But I remember, because there is nothing between us that I can forget. Now Goodbye to my beloved summer."