Shushin POV
by Bai Juyi
"Gone are the happy days of the past, Unaware of what time is now.
In a foreign land, my heart has no home to return to, The emptiness of the night is endless."
I wake up from sleep to the sound of annoying birds. I was accustomed all summer to sleeping with my window open. Now with the advent of autumn, the season of affection for things and everything, cold also creeps through the doors and windows. I must close my window so that the bitter cold does not come. I approach the window and put My hands and my head rest on them, I look at the sky before the sun rises, my sleeping routine and my life when no one interferes in my life is to sleep at 9 am, wake up at sunset and repeat the situation until I feel useless, or I go crazy and the situation becomes bad, days without sleep or There are days when I do nothing but sleep, I love dim light, and I love darkness... Before sleep disappeared from my eyes, I closed the window and went back to sleep...
I woke up at one o'clock. The servants said that my uncle asked us to go to the family meeting room. It was a large hall, and we always did not like to go there, as my uncle does not enjoy being a king very much and he is a strict man who does not lose in war, so he likes to control and sanctify the family, honesty and laws. None of us sanctify these things, which makes us immoral children in his eyes. While I don't show my emotions, I become kind and polite. I am afraid that people will look at me with ugly looks, so I end up appearing obedient. This is a curse that must be lifted immediately when it occurs, but perhaps because I was late. I will either have to be an eternally obedient woman, or an ungrateful, irresponsible woman, and it is clear that I am the second type without any effort.
I wore my dark blue hanfu. The inner dress was a little fluffy blue at the bottom, and the part around the chest was covered with a golden part in dark blue, and the outer dress was shining as if it was the night sky. I loved this hanfu and always wore it whenever I felt good about myself. Or my desire increases, as if my desire to become a star outweighs me..
I put on my accessories, put on my makeup, and went out. In front of the door, I was looking at the ground and didn't pay attention. I was shocked by Jian Yu, but I still called him Tian Yang. I believe that names are something that should be respected. When you call someone's name, you are describing and appreciating him, so I wanted to be respectful, but I couldn't. I felt connected to his old name, which I spent a lifetime calling him. He seemed to be a different person now, and I hated that fact, so I tried to escape. Therefore, do not be surprised when you find me calling him by different names every day, as a person's name changes his features and soul, and I believe that "Tian Yang" suits this man better than his real name. Tian means heaven, Yang means sun and light. So Tian yang is the light from the heaven. It's a blessing phrase for wishing good things in life. But his real name does not do him justice at all. When I asked him about the meaning of his name, he told me "Jian means blade in Chinese, this name is given to me by my parents, saying that my heart is always cold like a blade."
This made me sad for him, indeed, Tianyang was a decent, educated, calm, and wise man, and he met a reckless girl like me, and he seemed to follow me and often complained in fact... but he really gave me company, I gave him this name, I thought he looked like the sun In its brilliance
We were walking side by side, I was lost in my thoughts. My name means "Deep Thought" in Japanese. My mother always said that my eyes are the windows to my soul and that she could see my deepest thoughts reflected in them. That's why she named me Shushin, "the girl who thinks deep and is wise beyond her years." My name is also a reminder to myself to think deeply, act wisely, and to always be aware of my surroundings.
I think, almost everything in the world is like curse, love, hate, marriage, name, fame, knowledge.....and more but we just don't realize it. A name can free you and it can also imprison you. For example, if there is a girl named "Guo Qin" and she does not grow up to be beautiful, every time she hears her name, her heart will be squeezed with pain, and she will live like a prisoner, trying to escape from her name, and by preoccupying herself with her name, she forgets herself, and thus begins a curse that she did not choose. Not at all. Your family expects you to become what your name means, and perhaps you yourself, day after day, become what others expect of you, or as you expect you should be.
We had finally reached the hall, we entered, I looked around at the people sitting, and it seemed as if the whole family was here. We never stop quarreling whenever we meet, and this is not like normal families quarreling, as we are all quiet most of the time and therefore our words are like knives, and what makes matters worse is that we do not We care about those knives. War is like this family. I went to sit next to Xiao Yan on the floor, "Looks like this is another bad day."
Xiao Yan, Xiao Yao, Yao Yao, and Tian Yang and I were sitting in the first row on the north side of the hall, while the elders, directors, and some generals of the Royal "Xin" part sat behind us, and on the other side of the room sat Shi Jin, Ji Ji in the "Feng" part.
Next to them comes Yan An Yin and her brother Yan An Xin. Next to them comes the "Lu" part. Lu Yuxi. Lu Yi Xin
But the relationship of the four was complicated. Everyone's relationships here are complicated since we're divided into teams. The men in this family have messed things up by making almost all of us Siblings. But even I am unable to explain these relationships now. Everything in its time. Let us return to the reason for our gathering.
The King, Uncle Xin, spoke, "Shushin will soon be 19, and then she will have to take the vow of the royal family, be crowned queen, and complete what she had to do."
Of course no one commented, no one wanted this to happen, but they cannot stop things, since this is the way of life here.
But Yuxi spoke, "You are currently the king, Xiao Yan can become the queen, so we have two options and not just Shushen. I don't think Shushen deserves to rule a high-ranking kingdom."
Xiao Yan almost responded, but my uncle interrupted her, "Why do you think she's not worthy?"
"She never attended the royal school despite being a princess, which means she is not educated enough. Her decisions are very reckless and cause trouble. She is not responsible at all, and her actions are not worthy of a queen. She only thinks about herself and does not care about our reputation. This means that she is not responsible for ruling our people. I will never serve a weak, useless woman."
This woman says the harshest words without batting an eye, and I think that I am not one of those who are not affected by knives anymore. Yes, I am not responsible and yes, I am reckless, but only I have the right to judge, not others. Especially not a woman who's never tried to be friends with me. And I hate to even love her.. I was looking at her in silence, unable to respond. I looked at the people around me slowly with my eyes, and they seemed to agree, so there was no longer any need for me to speak anyway. In their eyes, they judged me and decided that this was me. This is the rule, my lady, and this is the rule, "Live as others think you are, live as a shadow of others." In any case, I did not want to be a queen. I longed for freedom so much, but I did not find it, and being a queen... Oh my God, I cannot be an obedient woman.
In the loud silence that seemed like a decade had already passed, my uncle spoke, "What if she had proof that she was worthy?"
All the dead souls returned to their bodies, and looked at my uncle with curious eyes. I had never felt pity for them, but now I felt curious about those in the other half of the hall. We were a family, but I did not know them, nor did I touch their hands. You know that someone is completely rejecting you, when he puts his hands behind him. When he passes by you... my uncle said as he held up a piece of paper, and even I felt curious about them, "The city of death is going through a severe crisis and is keeping the matter secret, then resolving it easily and skillfully with the help of a wise woman."
Suddenly my curiosity disappeared and I wanted to become transparent, or melt away quickly like snow. I looked at Xiao Yan next to me, who was almost pretending to be dead, or actually dead at the time, but I was in no condition to worry about her.
Continue, "A girl and her friends compete and defeat the demon clan?"
I looked at him, "What does this have to do with me."
Oh my God, I shouldn't have said that ...
My uncle slammed his palm on the table in front of him, "You think I don't know? Yes, you are strong and talented, but as your cousin said, you have to think about others. You can't be reckless, especially with demons? You went to the city of death, demons, and even snow to catch a murderer?"
"I was following my heart, because I was born free and independent. You cannot imprison my soul, because then I would die to myself. Please punish me if that is what you think is good. I can only cling to the smallest hope and the smallest door."
"Stand outside and think about your mistakes until you regret them."
I got up, Xiao Yan almost got up, but I put my hand on her shoulder to make her sit down, "Don't let him know."
I was standing behind the hall. I did not want to see them go out. I did not regret it anyway. I can say that I regret it, but it is a lie I tell in order to have peace. An hour passed and I was still standing, when suddenly the rain began to intensify, reminding me of that night that changed my life. I thought I was going to die, but I didn't, and I don't know what terrified me the most. Was it the thought that I wasn't dead? Or that I would have died then. Death terrifies me, staying alive terrifies me, and disappearing does not mean that I am alive or dead. It must have been a single moment that made me want to get stuck in the moment, and I was not stuck at that time, so I am here. Sleeping exhausts me, waking up exhausts me, and my life exhausts me, which disappears under my feet as the days go by... and I cannot hold it.
Suddenly, I found Xiao Yan and Tian Yang standing next to me. I didn't turn around, but I knew, only they in this grand palace would come. They are like me, lonely in their own ways, but I'm selfish, I can't comfort them like they do. Or maybe I was good at it, but slowly I got tired of hoping..
"Go away, guys. Don't catch a cold. Walk away."
"I didn't think you would really stand up, you're not obedient."
"Xiao Yan,"
"Sorry, I didn't mean it"
"It's okay, you're right. I stand to please others. Then they won't bother me. As long as the others leave me alone, I will please them until they shut up."
I adjusted myself to leave, "I'll go to my room."
I walked in the rain, leaving them behind. I was always left behind or left others behind. I didn't want to look back and I didn't want to look forward. I just wanted to walk, and I didn't go to my room. I walked around like the dead.
When I was walking, without knowing where I was except that I was in the front palace, I turned around to find a door next to me.. Then I entered it without hesitation..