When Liv woke up again she was sweating and it felt as if she had been in a really bad fist fight with someone. Everything around her smelled like Thomas and she realised she was lying in the same sheets he lied in every night. It felt almost too private, this was something she was never meant to have known, have experienced. What his bed smelled like, felt like. Realising how silly she was being she shook her head to put a halt to the bizarre thoughts. It just made it feel like her head would split in two halves.
Weirdly enough, the sun was setting outside. She must have slept through the whole day. Stumbling up and out of the bed she headed towards the kitchen, wrapping one of the blankets around herself like a bulky gown.
The flat was dimly lit. Thomas had gotten this place a few years back, when his father, Roland, had had one of his "You are no child of mine"-periods. At first Thomas had shared it with Arvid, since he could not afford it on his own, but now he was bought out.
Something bustled in the kitchen but she caught on the threshold, seeing Thomas's silhouette bent over the kitchen table. It looked like he was going through papers of some sort. He signed one of them and ran his hand distractedly through his hair. The whole scene gave off a vibe of unapproachable adulthood which made her want to leave again. She felt childish and out of place.
"How are you feeling?"
She got a bit startled, seeing as he was standing back towards her, she thought she had been real quiet.
"Okay. Thank you", she answered, clearing her throat.
"Do you want something to eat?"
"I- I'm not that hungry."
Thomas turned around to face her. Not really face her, he rarely did anymore, his eyes were focused on something just above her head but he was frowning.
"You should eat. It's been almost 24 hours right?"
"Tommy", she smiled faintly and squinted at him, "You can't tell me to eat."
Liv knew about Thomas's eating related issues and she was fairly sure he knew she knew. A shadow passed over his face but he chose not to engage further in the subject.
"No? Ok. I'm going to yell at you regardless of if you're starving or not."
"Yeah? Hit me", she sighed and smiled despondently.
He frowned.
"Stop... Just stop acting like this is funny to you."
"Honestly it is a little bit. I just wanted to see you. Where were you anyways?"
"At a friend's."
Too curt.
"A friend's?"
She sounded sceptical.
"Yeah."
"What like a special friend?"
"No not a... Special? No. You know what? You're just trying to distract me. What I was saying was you don't wait outside in minus 10 or something. For several hours. You could have... I need- For fanden, I need you to think for yourself, Liv!"
Usually she would have laughed and presumably mocked how he switched to Danish when he got really frustrated but her head had started to throb. She thought he was being unreasonably angry with her.
"You know what? Won't you fucking spare me today, Thomas? I..."
The anger and care he expressed really confused her, made her dizzy actually. Suddenly she felt her knees buckle slightly and before she knew it he had caught her, right before her knees slammed onto the floor.
"Shit. I'm sorry", he mumbled worriedly and brought his hand to her forehead, "You're burning up, Livs, I still think we ought to have a doctor look at you."
"It's fine, I promise. Probably just slept for too long."
To prove her point she struggled out of his arms and walked over to sit down on one of the kitchen chairs.
"It's just... You see... I did it 'cause...When you won't talk to me, when I know you're angry with me, don't want to see me, that's worse. Much worse than a few hours outside in the cold. I can't- I can't stand it."
Thomas looked ill stricken.
"Don't say that!"
"Sorry, what?"
"You- You can't possibly be imagining that. You owe me that much at least."
"Wow. Aren't you just understanding", Liv said cooly.
"Why'd you want to come around here anyways? Just... Why do you need to keep seeing me, to even have any contact with me? You're supposed to be engulfed in all that fun teenage stuff."
Thomas had put his head in his hands again, preventing him from perceiving the betrayed look on Liv's face.
"Yeah sure. That's what you want, to never have to be bothered with me again. I get that you want to get rid of me but I don't... want that. All that ever linked us together was Arvid to you, right?"
Thomas laughed mirthlessly.
"You've got to be kidding."
Liv got up and started to pace around the room, unable to stop the words that came pouring out of her.
"See you say that, then you act like you've swallowed a lemon every time you see me."
Thomas opened his mouth to interrupt but she went on.
"Like you find me disgusting, no, repulsing actually and I can't have you thinking I'm disgusting. Not you. You said... You said you didn't care that Lars..."
Horror slashed across his face.
"You don't honestly think I'm... N-No, I would never, never, Liv."
Her expression softened with relief. Knowing Alice and her mother and their allies of over involved moms in their year thought she was dirty and loose and tainted was enough. The idea of Thomas's revulsion had been impossibly excruciating.
"But... Then why? What have I done? Why do you suddenly hate me?"
He got up, turned his back on her, shoulder blades pressed together, lowering his head.
"I've haven't ever, don't believe it for a second, hated you, let alone found you disgusting."
"Then why won't you even look at me!?"
Whipping around he finally let his eyes meet hers, for the first time in what felt like ages.
At first she thought they resembled stoic, icy shields, who told her nothing, still nothing. Then something begun to change. They turned into water, dark water, smooth and still, watching her tenderly, pleadingly. Now it was she who ripped away her gaze, feeling as if she might burst if she did not, yet clueless as to why.
"I do look at you", Thomas said in a low voice, not breaking eye contact.
"No. You never do. Not anymore. And it makes me sick, you know, to always wonder what I've done, why you find me so gross you can't bear to look at me."
"I..."
Thomas thanked his father for the one thing of use he had taught him. To gaslight and manipulate.
"I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt that way", he said, letting his tone turn apathetic. Liv looked as confused as he had expected.
"That's no answer."
"What do you want from me here Liv? Do you want me to stare at you constantly? Well, forgive me for saying so but I suppose I just don't find you that deeply fascinating that I choose to give my undivided attention to you at all times."
Liv flinched.
"Don't... don't say that. You know that's not what I meant."
She had wrapped the blanket closer around herself and looked crestfallen and insecure. It was noticeable to her how he made a statement by meeting her gaze persistently, but the icy shields were back, and they did not transform this time. In fact, they would not for the rest of the time she spent in the terrace house, which was only a couple of hours. Then he followed her home, without as much as a word, just the cool, bitter stare digging into her. It made her feel cold, much more cold than she had been when he found her on the steps outside. At least then he had showed some sort of emotion, made it seem like he cared.
When Maria greeted her welcome home and asked how her sleepover at Wilma's had been, she simply fell into her mother's arms and sobbed, mumbling about a made up fight she had had with Wilma to cover for the real reason for her devastation. Thomas did not even care enough for her to despise her, he was indifferent, which was way worse. Liv knew, she figured, that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference, and this knowledge ached out through her entire body.