When Liv woke up she was sweating. It felt as if she had been in a really bad fist fight with someone. Burrowing her face into the pillow and groaning, she realized everything around her smelled like Thomas. The very sheets she was wrapped up in were the same ones he slept in every night. It felt absurd, like this was something she was never meant to have known - what his bed smelled like, felt like. Then she shook her head to put a halt to the bizarre thoughts. That was a mistake though, as it only made her feel as if her head was to split in two halves.
Weirdly enough, the sun was setting outside, which meant she must have slept through the entire day. Stumbling up and out of the bed, she wrapped one of the thousand blankets Thomas had piled on top of her around herself like a bulky night gown.
The flat was dimly lit. Thomas had gotten this place a few years back, when his father Roland had had one of his "You are no child of mine-fits". Initially, Thomas had shared it with Arvid since he had not been able to afford it on his own. When Arvid moved he got bought out.
Something bustled in the kitchen and she went to enter but caught on the threshold, suddenly hesitant. Thomas's silhouette was bent over the kitchen table and he seemed to be going through papers of some sort. Signing one of them, he ran a hand distractedly through his hair. The whole scene gave off a vibe of unapproachable adulthood which made her feel intrusive and out of place.
"How are you feeling?"
The question startled her, seeing as he was standing back towards her. She thought she had been real quiet.
"Okay. Thank you", she cleared her throat and followed him with her gaze as he got out a big glass from one of the cupboards, filled it with water and then gave it to her.
"Thank you", she said again and took a sip.
Swallowing was surprisingly painful but she kept up the small sips.
"Do you want something to eat?"
"I- I'm not that hungry", she grimaced.
Thomas's eyes were focused on something just above her head but he was frowning.
"You should eat. It's been almost 24 hours right?"
"Tommy", she squinted at him, amused, "You can't tell me to eat."
From a while back she had known about Thomas's eating related issues and she was fairly sure he knew she knew. A shadow passed over his face but he chose not to engage further in the subject.
"No? Ok. I'm going to yell at you regardless of if you're starving or not."
"Yeah? Give it your all."
That made him frown.
"Stop... Just please stop acting like this whole thing is so funny to you."
"Well... Honestly it is a little bit. I just wanted to see you. Where were you anyways?"
"At a friend's."
Too curt.
"A friend's?"
She sounded skeptical.
"Yeah."
"What, like a "special" friend?"
"No not a... Special? No. You know what? You're just trying to distract me. What I was saying was you don't wait outside asleep in minus 10 or something. For several hours. You could have... I need- For fanden, I need you to think for yourself, Liv!"
Usually she would have laughed and presumably mocked how he switched over to Danish when he got really frustrated but her head had started to throb. Wasn't he being unreasonably angry with her?
"You know what? Won't you fucking spare me today, Tommy? I..."
The anger and care he expressed really confused her, made her dizzy actually. Suddenly she felt her knees buckle slightly and before she knew it he had caught her, right before her knees were to slam into the floor.
Mumbling something that resembled both a curse and an apology, he brought his hand to her forehead.
"You're burning up, Livs. I still think we ought to have a doctor look at you."
"It's fine, I promise. Probably just slept for too long."
To prove her point she struggled out of his arms and walked over to sit down on one of the kitchen chairs.
"It's just... You see... I did it 'cause...When you won't talk to me, when I know you're angry with me, don't want to see me, that's worse. Much worse than a few hours outside in the cold. I can't- I can't stand it."
Thomas looked ill stricken.
"Don't say that!"
"What?"
"You- You can't possibly be imagining that. You owe me that much at least."
"Wow. Aren't you just understanding", she said coolly.
"Why'd you want to come around here anyways? Just... Why do you need to keep seeing me, to even have any contact with me? You're supposed to be engulfed in all that fun teenage stuff."
Because he had put his head in his hands again, he didn't perceive the betrayed look on Liv's face.
"Yeah sure. That's what you want, to never have to be bothered with me again. I get that you want to get rid of me but I don't... want that. All that ever linked us together was Arvid to you, right?"
A mirthless laugh escaped him.
"You've got to be kidding."
Getting up again, she started to pace the room, unable to stop the words that came pouring out of her.
"See you say that, then you act like you've swallowed a lemon every time you see me."
He opened his mouth to interrupt but she went on.
"Like you find me disgusting, no, repulsing actually and I can't have you thinking I'm disgusting. Not you. You said... You said you didn't care that Lars..."
Horror slashed across his face as he understood what conclusion she had drawn.
"Now you don't honestly think I'm... N-No, that's not it, Liv."
Her expression softened with relief. The idea of Thomas's revulsion had been impossibly excruciating.
"But... Then why? What have I done? Why do you suddenly hate me?"
Turning his back on her, his shoulder blades pressed together and he lowered his head.
"I've haven't ever, don't believe it for a second, hated you, let alone found you disgusting."
"Then why won't you even look at me!?"
Whipping around he finally let his eyes meet hers, for the first time in what felt like ages.
At first she thought they resembled stoic, icy shields, who told her nothing, still nothing. Then something begun to change. They turned into water, dark water, smooth and still, watching her tenderly, pleadingly. Now it was she who ripped away her gaze, feeling as if she might burst if she did not, yet clueless as to why.
"I do look at you", Thomas said in a low voice, not breaking eye contact.
"No. You never do. Not anymore. And it makes me sick, you know, to always wonder what I've done, why you find me so gross you can't bear to look at me."
"I..."
Thomas thanked his father for the one thing of use he had taught him. To gaslight and manipulate.
"I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt that way", he said, letting his tone turn apathetic. Liv looked as confused as he had expected.
"That's no answer."
"What do you want from me here Liv? Do you want me to stare at you constantly? Well, forgive me for saying so but I suppose I just don't find you that deeply fascinating that I choose to give my undivided attention to you at all times."
Liv flinched.
"Don't... don't say that. You know that's not what I meant."
She had wrapped the blanket closer around herself and looked crestfallen and insecure. It was noticeable to her how he made a statement by meeting her gaze persistently, but the icy shields were back, and they did not transform this time. In fact, they would not for the rest of the time she spent in the terrace house, which was only a couple of hours. Then he followed her home, without as much as a word, just the cool, bitter stare digging into her. It made her feel cold, much more cold than she had been when he found her on the steps outside. At least then he had showed some sort of emotion, made it seem like he cared.
When Maria greeted her welcome home and asked how her sleepover at Wilma's had been, she simply fell into her mother's arms and sobbed, mumbling about a made up fight she had had with Wilma to cover for the real reason of her devastation. Thomas did not even care enough for her to despise her, he was indifferent, which was way worse. Liv knew, she figured, that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference, and this knowledge ached out through her entire body.