1st may 1974. Elideth Polley is hungover. The brandy make me feel sick but I think three whole brandy bottles would anybody make him feel sick. There's nothing to worry about. Deaky had taken good care of me and he didn't move out my room till I woke up. I think he thought I'd commit suicide last night. That's why he stayed. He's tremendously protective with me, he will be an excellent father...
I read again the report that I was writing with rapid fingers on my phone. I thought not talking to him about the alcoholic episode but I promised myself not hiding again anything. It was enough crime pretending the painful and definite fact of my love for Freddie. And that detail was so fundamental to my mission that each day passed living that lie and hiding from Fooling, I felt more and more broken. A real failure.
Harrisburg could be as beautiful as you wish, I wasn't in the mood to sightseeing. The bath had refreshed and purified me, the breakfast settled my stomach but the day was too bright to my overwhelming hangover.
John was the only one to deign to come round my room to let me know they were going to the soundcheck at Farm Arena. An indoor space which it was used to agricultural fairs and indoor football games.
When he asked me if I was feeling better, I lied. The truth is I'd just puked my breakfast and my stomach stung me. I wasn't fit to a show tonight but I was so powerfully hooked to Queen. I must see them again. How was I let slip the opportunity to do it having that rare privilege?
I hadn't any news from Freddie in all day. It was clear that he didn't care about me and the conflict with his great friend Roger made an impression on him. And it was clear that it was all my fault.
When I arrived the dressing room there was a real pitched battle. The shoutings could be heard way long before getting into. Seemingly there was an enormous mistake that night.
There were two hired bands as supporting act; Queen and Aerosmith. The argument was about who will be the first to get out to play. The ego was a two or three-headed monster who always was flying over wherever you looked around. There was concern that they would end up come to blows. I got closer timidly to know about the conflict but John took me apart.
- Stay out of it, darling. You might get a punch.
Freddie stared at us quietly all of a sudden losing interest on the fight to look at me. I came closer to him to hug him and telling that I've missed him so much. There was no time.
- Don't get any closer. I know it all, yesterday you screwed Deaky.
- Please, Fred. Stop that nonsense. I've explained to you a million times -John tried to reason.
- It's not true -I defended myself weakly starting to fill my eyes with tears.
- A roadie saw him coming out of your room. I can't afford stop talking to John too and I won't. I think he's one of your victims, he's forgiven.
- Freddie, I beg you, believe me. Deaky stayed to sleep with me. I was feeling bad...
- I know that version. You are a free woman, you can do whatever you like.
- No, I'm not free. I'm not...
I ran out of there filled with tears. Great, that's all I needed. That Freddie regarded me as the official whore of the tour.
Brian and Joe Perry, Aerosmith guitar player, they slid away the fight and chattered cheerfully. They looked outside the polemic of the day. Brian took a long sip to his bottle and offered it to Joe that did the same.
My eyes shining with tears fixed on that bottle when it was left by their side. It was like a precious jewel and with a fast movement I grabbed it. Jack Daniels, I read.
- Hey, it's ours -Brian complained not helping smiling.
- Now it's mine -I winked at him and stuck my lips to it.
The night didn't end well to me. I got drunk again till I almost was in ethyl coma. I only remembered Queen getting up to the stage after a local band and they agreed Aerosmith would play before Mott the Hoople. I couldn't recall anymore. Not one more thing.
2nd april 1974. Luckily the distance between Harrisburg and Allentown, the next stop to play, was manageable. Just two ridiculous hours trip. I was so knackered that I spent all the journey asleep. Getting Allentown, in the privacy of my room at last I burst into a bitter, harsh and sometimes hysterical cry. My hands were trembling and my body screamed of pain with each one of my movements. I must speak to Fooling. I was so scared, helpless, like a broken down compass.
Since the mission started off I think it was the first scolding that he gave me.
- I'm sorry.
- Black, what's the matter with you? Your reports are more calamitous each time. I don't recognize you.
I live an unrequited love and that is shattering me. As explanation was devastating enough.
- I'll try to pull myself together. It won't happen again.
- Brian must getting out to the stage pissed. Can't you see?
- That's not so serious. Instead of playing by heart and fucking great, he has played perfectly sober. He won't tell his grandchildren that anecdote. That's it.
- You aren't there to running over the history, just for sport. We only must be focused on the important things.
- I know...
- Do you? Do you know that getting drunk like this it's not good for you? Why did you do it? You usually don't drink.
- Fooling, I'm a mole in a fucking tour, ok? I must do it.
- Are you starting doing drugs?
- No. Not drugs. You know my biography.
- That's why I'm asking you. If I didn't get it wrong your neonatal withdrawal syndrome included alcohol too.
- I'm controlling.
- I need you control it.
- I won't fail you.
I needed control it too but it was getting harder all the time. Everywhere around me was a minefield. The hostility between Freddie and Roger was undermining me, I couldn't bear it. It was the beginning of my insecurities and fears. At the same time, Freddie despised me and according to him now I was John's pussy cat. The latter swam amazingly skillful and quiet among that sea of giant waves, cutting sentences, reproachs like poisoning darts and non-stop contempts.
- Now you're the only one left, Bri -Freddie said caustic pointing out at me.
- Whenever she wants -Brian looked at me with half a smile staring back quickly at his own true love, his Red Special.
I didn't even rebel against that hateful habit of talking about me as though I wasn't there hearing all. His male chauvinist comments slid down my body, too bruised.
- Don't be angry with me, Eli -Brian pinched my cheeks-. I hope you take a joke.
I raised with languidness my head from over my stretched arms. I'd conquered one of the couchs in the dressing room not asking permission. Someone grabbed me easily by my armpits and threw me on some cushions on the floor. As though I was an annoying and dirty poodle.
- Thank you -I said laughing real hard and looking through the neck of my bottle the licour that lacked-. I'm thirsty.
- Here.
John handed me a glass of cold water and with a whine I threw it to his face.
- It's not funny, Deaky. Where are you going? Get me something. Please...
All was a deep absurd. I didn't count on anybody to help me because it was an alcohol party. Everyone was into its own spiral of excesses.
I've been two whole days not sending reports. I didn't do my job. One fundamental part was watching Freddie. But it was hard for me even holding his gaze in the rare occasions in which he deigned to look at me. I missed three shows. I was aware getting into the VIP area and being there but I didn't remember anything. All the ilussion was vanished. If it didn't matter to me the joy of their live show and I couldn't have again that strange bond with Freddie, what else left me?
I was aware getting out their show in Waterbury, Connecticut. They played Be bop a lula, almost finishing the show. I was starting to becoming paranoid in that space which earlier it seemed to me a piece of heaven on earth. The electrifying guitar of Brian accompanied me while I made my way out by the corridor struggling. My sandal's heel danced but I was still walking. Miraculously I walked outside the venue without knowing how I could orientate myself as I was so drunk. I took off my injured sandal and I wore the another one. My looks had stopped from being important to me as long I could having a liquid lunch.
There was still a lot of people outside who entered right away to see the Hoople and they weren't interested in that British camp band. I lifted my hair over the back of my neck and I decided getting away all those undocumented who didn't know about music. I grabbed one sandal with a hand and I dragged myself with the other sandal on. It had just rained and I could notice as I breathed the clean, renewed air. During the day it was steamy hot.
I might be walking away two blocks, it's hard to know. I grasped at the corner of a building to check how it was the blister in my heel. Holding up with just one leg, I lost balance and collapsed to the floor.
- Did you hurt?
One helping hand tried to get me up but I rejected it hesitantly not looking at his face. I tried on my own. I got hold myself upright struggling.
- Are you ok? -the voice wanted to know.
His hand touched my waist in the most innocent way and then I turned fearful and raged against like a dog just beated.
- What the hell are you doing? Take your hands off me.
I rummaged inside my coat and took out a kitchen knife threatening him. My freaking out eyes gave off fire.
- Easy, beware of that knife.
- Easy you, ok? Is there no man over the face of the earth who doesn't want to fuck me? What the hell is wrong with all of you?
The guy got away at a good pace while I just kept him pointing out with my infallible weapon. It was the first time it ocurred to me keeping that underneath my clothes. It wasn't a smart idea but since the incident with Hoople roadies, it stayed a permanent fear to get raped. Besides I was an easy prey in the state I was.
I looked proudly my knife as though it was my only ally available against an army of enemies. I let it fell on the floor sounding like a metallic noise. Then I slid across the wall till I lay down in fetal position on the sidewalk.
A fresh breeze shook my sweaty face. In spite of my coat, my body shook slightly. I touched by my side till I felt my bag with my phone inside of it. Good girl, I mumbled. As though having in a safe place my heart and Fooling's wouldn't turn me into an awful secret agent. In fact I was the worst since inspector Clouseau.
I placed my face against the sidewalk, now I noticed. It was a little wet and cold and my mouth was dry. It seemed to me logical licking that dampness with my tongue. I wasn't able to know what I was doing. Licking a filthy sidewalk. That was an absolute rave. Frustrated by not deriving benefit from my lickings, I laid down my head again.
A few irritating slappings woke me up sending sparks of warm through my numb cheeks. I opened my eyes as a fresh wave of heat overtook me and weak as I was, I tried to defend from such a violence. I grabbed my knife and saw Freddie's beautiful face so near. His kohl was intact, permanent, around his almond shaped eyes. His dark hair was wilder and unrulier than ever. Quick as a flash he grabbed the knife from my hands and looked at it in fear. He threw it away and stared at me shocked.
- I found her, dears. Don't search anymore.
- Wait, we're helping you with her.
I recognized background Brian and Roger who rushed over me. Had they all come out to find me?
- Rog -I mumbled while Freddie grabbed me by an arm and Brian by the other-. Have you made up? Have you? Tell me you have.
- Don't talk, baby -he answered fixing on me his round eyes with a hint of worry.
- Where is your sandal? -Freddie asked me while he tried I could walk a few steps.
- I don't know... I loved it but it broke my stiletto heel.
- You are a fucking disaster, did you know that?
Freddie placed his knee on the floor to take off my only one sandal because it was getting harder walking safely. Brian decided to lift me up in his arms as though I was a sleeping baby in the way to its craddle. Inmediately I grabbed his neck and his soft and silky curls tickled the back of my neck bending over his shoulder.
My bed was a miracle of softness, of tenderness around my back and my whole body. Brian laid me down delicately taking off my coat.
- Thanks, Bri. They should make a blanket imitating your curls. There would never be a case of insomnia.
Brian disappeared and I heard murmurs at a distance. Everything was spinning and I was very cold and it seemed to sneak into my very bone marrow.
- Bri? -I called after a while.
- Bri is gone, darling.
- Freddie?
- That's right.
- You can go if you like, I'll be fine...
- You are in my room, darling. I won't go anywhere.
- Thanks for rescue me from the streets as though I was a vagabond doggie.
- That's exactly what you look like.
Freddie sat on bed and started to take off my clothes with my slight help. I didn't complain but shivered to wear only my underwear. Freddie laid beside me. He was completely naked.
- I am cold -I mumbled trembling from cold and restless being so near him again, so available.
- Hold me tight. You'll warm up quickly -he said covering my half naked body with the duvet.
- Don't take advantage to kiss me when I'm asleep. I've been licking the sidewalk. I think...
Freddie's laughter so near my breasts caused me an extra shivering of emotion. God, it was a magnificent ointment to my burnings.
After finishing laughing he hooked with his index and middle finger my chin and kissed my mouth. It wasn't a chaste kiss, his tongue almost got to my throat.
- What have I just said? -I complained, frowning.
- It's not the dirtiest place where my lips landed to, my beauty. Get some sleep.
- Don't leave me.
- Shhhhh. Sleep.