Brian was so pleasant like the end of the day at the beach. I couldn't believe we got off to such a poor start and now we got along so well with each other.
It was four in the morning when Brian had found me lying there like the rubbish bag. Seemingly he had a lot of fun once more and it was getting near the day of his collapse. The gaunt colour of his skin was undeniable but he didn't seem to change his lifestyle of late sleeper rock musician.
He was knackered and I was too but we couldn't stop talking till the sun started to rise lazily.
Freddie's rejection as usual bruised my mood and my body asked me for an substitute. For lack of chocolate biscuits, a drink or a thousand of them would suit me fine. I recalled I got still two cocaine lines which I kept for the both of us and it couldn't be anymore. I put out the wrinkled paper from my bag and handed to Brian, who looked at it with curiosity.
- Would you like? Come on, one line each.
- No, Eli. Take it both.
- Aren't you into this? -I squinted at him while I lined them up with my finger, carefully.
- Not today. I must not staying up so late. I must have followed Freddie and go to my room straight away. All my bones and articulations hurt me.
- Wouldn't you really like? I'm feeling bad not sharing.
- You are amazing. How could you enter the Statue of Liberty with a coke eight ball in your bag? It's crazy.
The truth is I didn't even remember I took it in my bag with everything else. It was a real clumsiness for my part but in the seventies they didn't search the bags so eagerly as today in the new millenium.
I looked just a second at the two white lines in front of me. And lastly I snorted them right away.
- Why do you consume that crap?
- I guess because I feel myself alone.
- Thank you for feeling yourself alone.
- Oh, no. I meant my loneliness as a whole. Something larger.
- May I tell you something?
- Sure.
- Coke is not useful to save you neither from the loneliness nor anything. And it won't save you from Freddie's rage, by the way.
- Maybe I just snorted it to not leaving him anything.
- Come on, I take you for someone smarter.
- It wasn't always like this, remember? Do you remember how you looked at me at the beginning? Fuck, I couldn't dislike you because I adore your music but your glances at me made me feel so insecure.
- What did you think? I didn't know you at all.
- And you didn't want to know me.
- Ok, my preconceived ideas played an important part.
- I know that Mary is very dear to you. You dated her, you introduced her to Freddie.
- How do you know that?
- The groupies know that. It's true, isn't it?
He nodded.
- It's understandable you took me for a bitch who wants to take away your friend's boyfriend.
- No, I don't think that. The official girlfriends on tour stay like this, on tour. And when the tour is over, you'll be over.
Those words uttered with such sweetness were so hard. They cut me so deep...
- You mean I only have reason to be on this tour and when you return home...
- When we return home you can't be Freddie's official girlfriend on tour because there is no tour anymore.
Brian seemed talking to a little child to whom he tries to make her understand second grade ecuations with some amenity.
- And Freddie has already a girlfriend. A charming woman that she would be wise enough to make my friend a respectable man one day.
- I adore Mary. I know her just a month ago but it looks like we grow up together.
Brian made a mocking face grabbing his guitar.
- What? Don't you think I adore her?
- Of course, Eli. It's just I think sometimes life is very complex. At least one month left to end the tour, you might start to break that bubble and so returning London will be easier.
You are wrong there, May. The tour is going to end tomorrow and it will be your fault.
- I can't give up Freddie yet.
- In spite of the fact that you are angry with him.
- I'm not angry. He is angry with me.
The climax of the coke arrived in fifteen minutes and made me talk like an old magpie.
- How was going the sightseeing?
- Oh, the statue. I don't know how I did it. It was an old whim from my childhood and the truth is that...
- You were disappointed.
- I was determined it liking it but the truth is when you arrive in there and you have to climb up stairs, you are knackered. I spent my day waiting in line and hurting my feet. How was the show going?
- Not completely bad.
- That means it was amazing -I smiled in front of this pathological perfectionist.
It was evident that Brian had pains and discomforts and he was hanging on my verbosity unmoved, giving me from time to time some careless melodies.
- What about going to the hospital, Bri? God knows you need it. They might have your check-up to know what's wrong in your body.
What a great idea, Ash. Are you playing God, fucking asshole? If he had gone there they would diagnose him Hepatitis B inmediately and the tour would end. It wouldn't take place the double session of the show that they will play today 10th, not the next day either. Everything would rush forward. And with that, my end in this bloody tour. Screw it. When we get to London I would jump into the Thames and drown myself with a load of stones in my pockets Virginia Woolf style.
- It's nothing wrong with me. It's just tiredness. This tour is too demanding. The arm keeps upsetting me.
Thank goodness Brian was the common sense. I had already changed the history with the damn Jack Daniels bottle and now I intended doing it again just to ease my suffering. I didn't even care about the poor Brian. In what kind of idiot could a wild love turn you into?
The toll of the night was my fight with Freddie, my exile to the corridor and my repatriation to Brian's room. When the coke effects lowered the terrible stress of the day overcame me while I heard the impenitent strum of the cords in the background.
I woke up knackered. Hungry, thirsty and more sleepy. But the feeling which drowned it all was the sadness and hopelessness.
I decided attending the soundcheck that day. I was aching for a reconciliation. After that suicide thought to abort the tour just with Brian's visit to the hospital, I thought it over and found out Freddie and I had still two days of life. Later on, London and my exile. And I was dying of pain before any of that would take place.
I tried several times talking but Freddie didn't want to be around me. He was focused on the soundcheck and I wasn't welcome today.
- Darling, why don't you go for a walk and sightseeing? There are still a lot of things to discover.
That's all I could get out of his lips. He seemed very scornful and I couldn't break down the fortification he had built to avoid me.
In the dressing room before the show he didn't seem in a better mood but even so I took my chance. Freddie put on his make-up unmoved not caring about me sitting on his eyeliner. He wore a white robe and underneath it his white satin pants. He had his bared chest, he used to put Zandra Rhode's blouse on at the end just before entering the stage. There was still a little work to do in his hair.
- May I help you?
- You? -the two seconds that he dedicated to stare at me with disdain were like centuries.
- Freddie, we can't go on like this. We need to talk. We are hurting each other.
- I warned you. If you fuck Brian, everything would go to hell.
- Didn't you send me to hell last night?
- I didn't send you to hell, I just threw you out of my room. I never thought you would take revenge fucking my friend.
- You know quite well that's not true.
- I don't know anything, honey.
- Ok, don't trust me. Trust him. He can confirm you.
- He? Brian? His balance of scientist makes me sick.
- Nothing happened.
- Don't insist. I won't fuck you anymore, dissolute litte bitch.
Freddie's spoiled child attitude, expert in pick up the slack, at last it was too much to my good mood.
- Son of a bitch.
It was something irrational and I regretted when I did it, most of all because we were among everyone else. My slap sounded like a raged lash across his face and I fumed out the dressing room in deathly silence.
I ran out of there. I needed getting away the fire but when I spent a little while out of its reach I freezed to death. I was aching again to bring my skin nearer to the flame. I asked for a cigarette to one of the roadies I bumped into in the corridor and I smoked beside the sign "Dressing room", below a fluorescente and garish light, to calm myself down.
Between fiercely drags it came to my mind the last time I slapped him and the outcome. That shag which made the earth's axis to move. God, why did I slap that beloved face? My violent outburst was like a mother's outburst when she had spoiled so much his child and there is no other choice when her reasons don't go anywhere.
I peeked out timidly to the area where you can access to see the show. At least their music would heal me some minutes. That's all I clung to. It was like the thin line which held me and recalled me I was there for them and because of them. And my involvement had already exceeded any rational barrier.
I searched Freddie's captivating glance in each minute of their vibrant performance. He got close the place where I stood watching and he located perfectly. I felt his fiercely glance of the artist transfixed by the live adrenaline. That kind of intensity he expressed whenever he sang to us. But the third time, I wanted to think he blew me a kiss. Or maybe I was one of her naive fans who think her idol just stare at them. The truth is he blew "me" or "us" that kiss after an emotional bow and I got burned like a paper soaked in petrol.
I ran out and slid into the dressing room. Freddie changed his clothes and it usually took him two minutes. At this stage I knew by heart the stage design. He stormed into like crazy as he used to, he put on his black tight satin pants and the wrap top, with a ribbon on one side.
- Was that kiss for me? -I asked him while he ended up tighten the top.
His sweaty face came closer mine and cupped my cheeks to lead me to his lips. His panting breathe for all the stage activity, his smell was addictive and his mouth literally assaulted me, leaving me so panting as his own breathe. I had never had him so near when he was in the middle of one show. It was fascinating getting near even so just a few seconds to that power plant which it was his whole body in such a trance.
- No -he answered me at last-. But, is this good enough?
Good enough? He had just injected me the same adrenaline which ran through his veins right now. With this outburst he had renewed me again. I came back happy to enjoy the show.
It was a complex night. It was a double show for the first time in the whole tour and it proved to be demanding to their already exhausted bodies. Although anybody would say it with that giant power I felt in Freddie when he gave me that amazing kiss. Was there any hope for me yet? Did he forgive me?
It didn't matter to me if after that double show and after relaxing properly, I was just a spot among their numerous audience. That night there was a lot of people wishing to talk to them and they seemed very happy for that. Whatever that smelled like increasingly fame was welcome.
Then I saw him. At the furthest corner, where you could go to the loo. Freddie had his pants lowered to the floor and in front of him, kneeling, all I could see was some long hair. It belonged clearly to a man. The latter with infinite care poured some powder over his beautiful penis and snorted it. He licked profusely the remainder while Freddie stroked his hair, laughing. And then our glances met. His glance bright with arousing and mine stunned and irrationally jealous.
I went from being a french toast soaked in honey to a frying pan filled with jalapeños peppers. The only energizer which ran through my veins that night was my jealousy which tore relentless my heart apart. I had only drunk a couple of shots so I grabbed one guy's bottle who passed to the toilets and stuck it to my lips. I didn't care what I drank. It could be absinthe for all I care. Anyway, I drank it up and I looked at him grinning.
I knew that Freddie was not far away from me, I could hear his laughing. Well, I could laugh too. Who's gonna win?
I grabbed the boy and I straddled over him.
- Girl, but, what are you doing?
- Shut the fuck up, don't you like what you are seeing?
I pointed out all my body touching my breast and caressing it till I noticed how my nipples hardened through the fabric. His eyes were dazzled and excited and the gullible fool didn't have nothing to adduce. Guys are so easy.
I drew his hands apart from underneath my clothes with great confidence, as though I would know what the hell I was doing.
- Don't touch me, let me do it myself.
The boy smiled at me baffled and I unzipped his pants. I didn't afford the luxury to think how irrational was my action. What I was doing with a foreign dick on my mouth? Did I really think Freddie would care?
When it was over I got up from the floor where I was kneeling not even care about that boy. I turned around and saw Freddie standing there with half shameless smile playing on his mouth. He was alone. His crossed legs didn't let me know if I triggered his erection. Anyway, there was no trace of jealousy on his flushed face.
When I got to the room with the nausea dancing on my throat and the need to grab a hairshirt and punish my skin, I grabbed the empty bottle that I held in my hand and crashed it to the floor. And I couldn't stop from destroy everything like a senseless beast. I grabbed the bed linen messing them up till I turned around the mattress, whatever I could destroy, I did it, whatever I could crash to the wall, there it went. I turned the small and modest room hotel into a destruction chaos while I screamed, cried and cursed.
Soon after Freddie stepped into when I was about to throw the TV through the window, imitating Roger. He took it away from me struggling and it was about to fall at his feet.
- Are you high? What on earth did you consumed, bloody hell? -he cursed trying to control my body with his body and refrain me.
- Let the hell go, bastard!
- You need to get into a psychiatric, you know? Stay still.
- Nooooo! -I turned against him in desperation with a scream expanded till the infinite.
- Eli, holy shit. Stop playing the fool. What's wrong with you?
- Can't you guess?
- The last time I saw you, you caught me making something very dirty. Is that right?
Suddenly I looked at him contorted with pain and I relieved from his grasp, pulling. I had to find a place to get out of 1974 right now. I was reaching my physical limits.
- I don't want to explain to you anything.
I grabbed my suitcase and started to put things into.
- Do you think I was going to fuck that guy?
- You weren't playing chess.
- Well, if we had...
- You didn't even take with you my bloody condoms, did you? Damn you...
- The condoms are here because that's here where I'm fucking my princess. You are the only one with whom I've fucked in this tour. Do you believe me?
- No, I don't believe you.
- Do you want to talk about the blow job you did that guy in front of me?
- I don't want to.
- You are feeling bad, aren't you? Why did you do such a thing? Do you think it did good to your body that crazy thing you've done?
I stopped packing up to look at him while his sweet expression was accompanied by those almost paternal words and the nausea which danced started to come up. I ran to the bathroom and puked each and every frustration. Freddie was kneeling by my side caressing my back with great gentleness all through the disgusting process. The struggling tears were accompanied by my infinite sadness's tears.
I got up from the floor at last, Freddie pulled the chain for me. I brushed my teeth crying all the time with the piercing glance of him, standing there.
- I can't go on -I mumbled cleaning my mouth with the towel.
- Come on, pretty. You know I forgive you and we are fine now...
- Are we fine? Have you seen this room? Do you think someone moderately sane could do such a thing?
- My love, are you getting like that whenever I fancy meat instead of fish? Look at me and answer me. Are you eating somebody's dick whenever I start to flap my wings in different ways?
What a beautiful and poetic way to look at it, Freddie Mercury. Why did he always determine to underestimate himself as a songwriter? He was superb and that analogy was too.
- I did it because I wanted you felt the same jealousy as I was feeling.
- I think I've guessed that, silly girl.
- You kissed me... -the sobs choked again my throat making me stuttering-. And that changed my life again.
- Darling...
- Your dick filled with coke with that guy's tongue dancing all over it didn't make me happy. I admit it.
- Let's forgive ourselves, ok? I forgive you for not fucking with Brian and you forgive me for not fucking whoever he was, I don't recall his name. Deal?
I rubbed my swollen eyes from crying again. I couldn't stop crying.
- Although on reflection, mousy... I would have to forgive you for having gone on your own to the city without my permission and for sucking other dick than mine. You are more in debt than me, don't you think?
- Do you know what did Mary ask me yesterday? Taking care of you. I don't think this would make her happy too.
- I admit it, I'm a naughty boy who deserves a good spanking.
- I can't stand it any longer. I gotta go, ok? Say goodbye everyone else and...
- What the hell are you talking about? You don't go anywhere -he roared kicking away the suitcase I was trying to grab.
- Your love is too dangerous, Freddie Mercury. I have to save myself. Do you understand?
- Love? Oh, fuck, no. Darling, what are you talking about?
I wiped away my tears which flew again now and then and tried not to look the eyes which seemed to paralyzed me.
- I don't wanna argue about love with you, Freddie. I can see you have a slightly different vision from mine.
- It's not true. We can't be anymore same than we are. Maybe that's why we repel that way and at the same time we can't bear being apart.