The truth is we stepped into the hotel entrance this time. We were holding hands and I felt I was floating by the corridor, my feet didn't touch the ground. I was absolute and completely in love with Freddie Mercury.
- Won't you let me in your room? -I asked smiling with innocent expression while he opened the door.
- Yes, I want you helping me to sleep.
He untied three buttons of my closed neckline to revealing my naked shoulder and started to kiss it while he was struggling with the fabric.
- Fred, Eli. What a surprise.
We stood petrified against the door. There was Roger with his arms folded before us. With a cold rage in his steel blue eyes and his tense jaw.
- I guess making a ménage à trois doesn't quiet fit in your plans of conventional pair.
- Rog, let's talk -Freddie said with surprisingly softness and cold blood.
He was very used to Roger's explosive personality, of course. He knew how to treat him, he knew him so well.
- You are a bitch and you are the worst friend I've ever had.
- Rog, come on. Everything has its explanation.
- Of course it has. You always get your own way and I end up losing.
- I don't think you lose, it's not right. You are the most successful man in the band with girls.
- You got the nerve to tell me that to calm me when you've taken away my girlfriend right under my nose. I'm sure you've already fucked in London not giving a shit what you did to Mary and me. She's a groupie, she's always been. Will you risk what you have with Mary because of her?
- Roggie, let's talk about it quietly. This is not the place...
- Look at her, she's like a robot. She's made to drive us crazy. To make our dicks speak for ourselves. When you sink into her she's warm, she's pure flames but really she's a fucking machine. She doesn't care about us.
I covered my mouth to silence my weeping unable to bear his disdainful glance and his hard words. He headed to his room and Freddie ran behind him. Nothing could mattered much to him than Roger and made it all clear. And I was left all alone, sitting in the corridor with my face hiding between my knees.
😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔
How could I get on that bus and spend more than eight hours journey with them? I was completely shattered by Roger's brutal analysis about me. All the chances which it opened before me were bad.
If his friendship was the first thing to Freddie, I was a bitch and must get out that bus, their tour and their life. And if they didn't speak each other, I wouldn't bear it either. Most of the time they were fighting but nothing so serious to last more than few hours.
Roger and Freddie fighting for a woman? Maybe it was something unusual in Queen's story. A milestone I got. They hadn't even the same tastes and now all of a sudden I was the Helene of Troy in my own mission. I was the very bomb that could make explode everything in a million pieces.
- Fooling, do you think I should abort the operation?
- Come on, Black. Are you serious? You had a tough time before and you've come out of it victorious.
- I can't get out of this. My conscience wouldn't bear they wouldn't talk each other because of me. They need each other. They are the ying and yang. I can't get on that bus. If I did it I would be a kamikaze.
- Well I need you in that bus. It's not justified you interrupt everything for such a nonsense.
- Nonsense? You can't understand it, you aren't here. These guys are two time bombs walking. They play shows daily, with many miles between towns, the bus is a torture, the critics or they are negatives or else there aren't any because they don't care about them. Someone had to explode and it was Roger's turn. He would have had it in for any but the thing is he had it in for me.
- Do you think Freddie could do without you at this stage? What do you think?
- It's clear between the drummer and I, I'm getting out of the equation.
- Well, the truth is Queen are four people. They don't make a decision without arguing in depth. Could it be two against two? What is your relation with John and Brian like?
- With John amazing and with Brian getting better.
- Is it true that they vote everything as though it was a plenary session in town council?
- Everything. Even the weirdest things.
- Well probably your stay on tour too.
- I don't think it's so important. I think John and Brian like me but if I disappear suddenly that won't affect them. Besides I don't feel like they fight for me as though I was a damn budget.
- Black, you must leave aside what you feel like. Get focus.
- I'm very focused. And I'm realist. If everyone agree I'm staying out of their system.
- I'm afraid Queen never agree in anything. They are too different.
Roger threw the television through his room window. Seemingly it was the fourth tv in the whole tour. Freddie supposedly intended a civilized fight between them but it didn't work out. It was no clear if they even came to blows but one thing was sure, when we departed to Harrisburg they didn't talk to each other.
- Eli, come out of there. We're leaving now.
John's voice called me from outside my room. I took already the decision to not travelling with them in the bus.
I should think against the clock the best way to not losing their tracks but I felt my self-esteem quite shattered to give Roger a shot of me. They should leave without me.
- Leave whenever you like, John. I'm staying.
- What are you talking about? What did happen?
- I'm quite well in Portland. I might stay here to live.
- Open up the door and stop talking nonsense.
- John, I mean it.
- Has Roger done you something wrong? Freddie? Tell me and I'm smashing them.
- I would pay to see that, Deaky -I smiled sadly caressing his chin-. Nobody had done me wrong. Really I'm well capable to doing myself wrong.
- Get on the bus and let's talk about this. Come on...
- Deaky! What are you doing? We're leaving now.
- I'm not gonna go without Eli.
- Mousy? What's wrong? I'm in charge, Deaks. Now we're coming downstairs.
Mousy? Had Freddie woken up in a good mood that morning? Did he make it up with Roger?
- We should leaving now. Come on, I'm helping you with the luggage.
- Freddie... what happened last night...
- Last night didn't exist.
- Did Roger and you make it up?
- Roger is sleeping it off. We better leave him so. Come on, hurry up.
- Don't you speak each other?
- Darling, we can talk all these things over in the bus. Stop insisting. We gotta get Harrisburg at a decent time.
Elideth Polley got back to the tour bus and that didn't look good. In fact it was more discouraging than if Freddie would kicked my ass off. This way he was forcing me to spend eight hours with a person who hated me. It was a resounding success for my mission having been the winner in this confrontation but for my own balance it would prove to be devastating.
Luckily for me, a good part of the journey Roger was sleeping it off across his seat. Freddie acted like nothing would happen and he was flamingly tender with me, which instead of turned myself into melted caramel as usual, shattered my nerves. Brian and John acted as though I was his official girlfriend, with shocking indifference. As though we weren't stabing Mary's back.
Again I concluded touring was a sort of haze far from the real life. With its own code of conduct, with its own moral. Here you weren't disloyal, you just tried to survive day by day having fun. Touring wasn't holidays, it was work. And a real hard work, by the way. The boys deserved their time off and none of their girlfriends had to do with it.
Halfway through Roger woke up from his slumber and spotted me perfectly. I was on Freddie's lap in silence, looking limper than a lettuce swaying in the desert wind. In the best place of the universe and nevertheless my throne was full of thorns. He turned to look at us rubbing his beautiful sleepy eyes and I swallowed hard while I tore my gaze from his glare. I saw between Freddie and him there was no understanding and that was killing me.
Then Freddie took briskly the back of my neck getting closer to his lips and filling me up with his tongue. I knew he was challenging Roger, he was using me to enrage him even more. He decided throwing him a challenge and I was the delicious stuffing of the sandwich. Bound for being devoured.
To endure that journey I started to drink. I took John away his brandy bottle and I was no satisfied till I finished it off. When we stopped to having lunch in roadside bar, I felt so sick that I puked over a hedge of rhododendron. I went to the bathroom to refresh my mouth and looked at me in the mirror and see my struggling tears after throwing up my very soul. But I was unmoved. I applied my makeup again carefully and bought me a couple of brandy bottles.
I didn't find out my body was sending a clear signal not go on acting like this. I was rejecting the alcohol so clearly. Nothing mattered to me. Wasn't it all about go breaking one by one all the existing rules? Wasn't it all about a virgin territory in which gloating over, among the purest hedonism without asking questions? Fine, Ashlee, you have to kill this pain anyway, this deep dissatisfaction with yourself. If you are no more than Queen's whore as those filthy roadies said, get drunk and escape from reality.
When we got to Harrisburg I puked again everything. The only one who showed a little bit of empathy with me was John who came with me to my room well into the midnight and was with me till I got asleep. Roger and Freddie were too busy challenging each other and throwing themselves flaming sentences to pay me the least attention.
- I have to write the report -I mumbled totally drunk letting John to tuck me in.
- Which report, darling? -he smiled brushing away the electrified locks from my face.
- The report -I answered mumbling, half closing my eyes.
- Are you a member of CIA and spy on us? Isn't that so?
Oucchh, nearly, smart boy.
- You are the most intelligent member of Queen, has anybody ever told you?
- No, never -he answered joyful.
- Well you already know.
- Try get some sleep. Are you feeling better?
- No, I don't want to sleep. Just die.
John started to look around as though he would search appropiate means to ease that task. Then he fixed his gaze with evident restless and he took off his shoes.
- What are you doing, Deaky?
- I'm staying with you.
- Oh, really? Don't do it. I'm not going to try suicide. It's an excessive work...
- Shhh. Stop talking and let's sleep.
I noticed he crawled into bed behind me and I turned around to hug him. I kissed his lips tenderly and I was covered by his long and messy hair. The quietness which I felt always by his side gave me the silly illusion there was no need to worry and just driffted off to sleep.