Choice
"Shan.. " I heard Tristan say as I walked towards the garden and I know that he's following me.
"It was the night when we had a party, nung tumawag ka at si Rose ang sumagot? Alam kong karapatan mong malaman to lahat kaya hindi ko ipagkakait sayo-"
"Talaga?! Hindi mo ipagkakait? Putang ina, Tristan! Ginawa mo akong tanga! Six months na pala!" I sobbed as I sat down in our lanai in the garden and I felt Tristan beside me. "Naging duwag ako, shan. Alam kong masasaktan kita at-at hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sayo ng hindi ka masasaktan." I never bothered to look at him because I know one look in his eyes and I'll come running back in his arms.
"Ang daming pagkakataon na pwede mong sabihin sakin, eh. Ilang beses akong nag tanong, Tristan! So, anong mangyayari ngayon?" I asked trying to calm myself. Nilalamig ako sa galit at sakit na nararamdaman ko. He didn't say anything and I only heard him sighed.
Sobrang sakit nito, so much for trust, huh?
"I trusted you. Akala ko hindi mo magagawa sakin to." I blurted out breaking the silence. "Mahal mo ba? Kayo na ba?" I added asking and turned to him and that caught his attention.
"What? No! I love you, shan. Ikaw lang and wala! Wala kaming relasyon at alam ni Rose yan kahit paulit ulit pa syang mag tapat sakin, wala." He replied and reached out for my hand and he successfully took it in his.
Tama is Irene. May gusto nga si Rose kay Tristan. I trusted her. I treated her well!
Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. Ano ba dapat? Isa lang ang alam ko. Hindi ko kaya na wala si Tristan sa buhay ko. Pero kaya ko bang tanggapin to lahat? Kaya ko bang nakikita ang magiging anak nila?
Pero ako ang mahal nya..
Oo. Kakayanin ko, wag lang mawala si Tristan sa buhay ko. Hindi ko kaya, punyeta hindi ko kayang wala sya.
"Mahal na mahal kita. At-at hindi ko kayang mawala ka sa buhay ko, Tristan. K..aya kong tanggapin lahat, kaya kong tanggapin ang magiging anak mo."
I couldn't believe myself! Hindi ako makapaniwala sa sarili ko na nakaya kong sabihin to despite everything that's happened.
Tristan pulled me closer to him and wrapped me in his arms and there I cried on his chest, everything out and I felt him sob as he hugged me tight.
"Shan, yan din ang gusto ko, fuck! I'd do anything kung maibabalik ko lang ang panahon, pero.." I pulled away and looked at him my heart beating fast not knowing what to expect.
"Pero?" I asked tears falling more.
"Pe..ro ayaw kong lumaki ang magiging anak ko na hindi kompleto ang pamilya-"
"We can be a family!" I insisted holding his hand as I cried more tears. "Shan, sobra kitang mahal pero kailangan kong panindigan ang nagawa k-ko.." He cried and kissed my hand and I was lost for words.
Did he just make a choice?
"Ar-are you saying that-" I couldn't even say it completely. He made a choice and it's not me.
"No! Tristan please! Wag! Don't leave me please! I'll support you, okay? Kahit masakit tatanggapin ko!" I begged and cried more while holding on to him. "Shan, ayaw kong lumaki ang anak ko sa ganitong sitwasyon. Mahal na mahal kita pero nagkamali ako at kailangan kong panindigan to pero-"
"Just leave, Tristan. Ayoko ng marinig ang sasabihin mo." I cut him off and stood up but before I could walk away he grabbed my hand.
"Masakit din to para sakin shan dahil sobra kitang mahal but Rose threatened me na.. ipapalaglag nya ang anak ko pag hindi ko sila paninindigan-" I pulled away not wanting to be touched by him anymore. The pain that I'm feeling right now is too much.
Ang sikip sikip ng dibdib ko sa pag pipigil ng iyak.
He's torn, huh? He needs to make a choice and he chose to let me go kahit handa akong mag sakripisyo para sa kanya.
He made a choice.
Well, blood is always thicker than water nga naman. Dugo't laman nya ang bata at ano ako? Wala.
"Shan! Listen-"
"Stop! Just stop okay? You made a choice Tristan. Fuck, I even begged. Ayoko na, Tristan. Mag sama kayo!" I yelled at him and ran inside leaving him outside. I went back to my room and packed some things as tears kept falling.
Mahal nya ako? Ang babaw naman ng pagmamahal nya. He made a choice and that is to let me go. Ako parin talaga ang kawawa sa huli, ako na ang ginawang tanga, ako na ang hindi pinili. I'm so stupid for begging!!
So that's it? Seven fucking years together and that's it?
"Shantal. Ano bang nangyayari? Umalis na si Tristan, sandali, San ka pupunta?!" Sabi ni manang habang pumapasok sa kwarto ko halatang antok na antok na. "Aalis muna ako manang. Pag bumalik si Tristan, wa-wag nyo sabihin kahit ano tungkol sakin." I replied and grabbed my things and walked out.
I want to get away. Gulong gulo ang utak ko, hindi ko na alam.
I booked a grab car. I'm not gonna bother our driver anymore. It's already 1:30 am tsaka problema ko to.
I booked going to North bus terminal. We have a resort in Santa fe, bantayan Island. That's where I'm going because I need peace, para maka pag isip isip. I held my bags when I got to the terminal and bought my ticket going to Hagnaya Port, that's where I'm riding the boat to Bantayan Island.
While waiting for the bus I bought one donut dahil hindi pa nga pala ako kumakain and I'm starving pero wala akong gana kaya ito nalang muna. It's already 2 am at sakto lang na dumating na ang bus kaya bumyahe na agad kami.
My phone kept ringing but I turned it off. Gusto ko munang mapag-isa. I'll just talk to my dad when I get there.
Anong mangyayari sakin ngayon? Hindi ko alam.. Basta gusto ko lumayo.