I was having a bad dream. Whatever the dream was about I don't want to talk about it because it's embarrassing. I felt a hand that was on my body. Maybe it's Evel's because he sleeps in my room most of the time. I don't want to open my eyes yet but I just want a sneak pick of his sleeping calm face, this might be the last time we get to sleep together in a room like this. I turned slowly and then opened my eyes. It wasn't a bad dream, right? The nightmare was a true one. The occasions of last night slowly started getting in my head. The whip marks, the kiss, ending up in bed, okay I needed to scratch my head because I just can't believe this. Yeah, this was a mistake, the worst one I've ever done in my life. Is that how people end up when they get drunk, especially with strangers? Why did he do that? Couldn't he see that I was drunk? The worst part is that I let him do it, I let him in and I don't know how. Right now there was a mixture of bad emotions in my head and heart at the same time. I felt like punching him in the face but I can't do it. It feels like something is holding me back. Why does he have to be this handsome? Why does he have to look this cute when he is sleeping? I don't need to think about that now, it was time to go home and cry. I turned again and this time I felt the pain, can this get any worse? It was my first time but did it have to happen when I'm drunk?
I was about to get off the bed when he pulled me back to him. This couldn't get any more annoying right? Why was I even ghay weak that he managed to pull me just once and I was back to him?
"Don't run away okay?... we will figure this out together... I'll take full responsibility, ...why are you crying? Did I hurt you? Is it painful? Should I get some medicines?... Tell me" why does he have to be nice when I'm so mad at him? Should I be mad at myself instead? I can't control my tears because I don't know what I'm feeling inside right now. I didn't even talk but he still managed to pull me closer and hug me. He held me tighter in his arms and that got my inner self confused even more.
"I'm sorry okay?... You are allowed to be mad at me... but don't run away, just stay here with me... please" How can I still be mad when he is holding me like this? How can I stop crying when I'm confused? The way he held me meant that he wasn't letting go anytime now, that's what I needed. It's all I needed to make my heart and head to come to the same terms.
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"You still haven't told me about the whips on your back..." I said and he immediately sipped the milk and turned away. We were now in the dining. Got up some minutes earlier, took a shower, and then he ordered breakfast. I had asked the question out if ni where and I could see that it had caught him by surprise. Was he not going to answer me?
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it..." I said and then I sipped my milk too. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it either. 7
"Are you still feeling pain? Did the medicines help you?" I almost spit the milk which was in my mouth. Was it time to ask crazy questions? I'm still mad at him. I nodded and then drank all the remaining milk in the glass. I looked at him one more time and then I walked to the big window
. It looked so beautiful outside and I couldn't help but look at the backyard. It looked so colorful through the glass window and all I wanted to do was just watch it from where I was. I had texted my band members and told them that I'm fine and I'm still working on something so I had no reason to be worried.
"It looks beautiful, just like you..." I didn't even notice he was next to me. Why does everyone think that I look like a girl?
"Beautiful is only for girls you know?" I said shaking but still looking at the beautiful scenery.
Silence roamed the air for some time and it was getting uncomfortable.
"About what happened last night... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have gone that far... But I'm willing to take full responsibility... don't worry... you don't have to love me... because eventually, you'll find someone you like but until then, I'll stick around and take responsibility..." he said after quite some time of silence. I didn't even understand what he was saying but it was clear that he wasn't expecting anything from me.
"Do you regret it?" I asked the question because it was the one that I needed to get an answer to judge.
"No... I don't... I'll never forget it... Though you were literally drunk.... it felt so special... I'm sorry if you regret it... you don't have to be sad about it, I know I was wrong and that's why I want to take responsibility... I might be young but I'm capable..." I also don't think I regret it but I can't say that, not today.
"What kind of responsibility do you mean... it's not like I can get pregnant... I'm not a girl..." I said and a beautiful smile appeared on his face.
"Yeah, I know... but I just want to stick around just in case... but if there's nothing to be done then I guess I'm a free man," he said and the smile broadened. Was he that happy that nothing was tying him to me?
"About Axel... Will you tell me something?" I asked after a while and he scrubbed his head with his fingers mighty that I thought his hair was going to fall off.
"Hey stop it....you hurting yourself..." I said taking his hand off his head. He looked different now and I was worried. Did he have to scratch his head that much?
"I'm sorry....sorry about that... what did you ask again?" he was getting me confused. " Oh yeah... Axel... he is fine but a little bit busy.... tell the boyfriend not to worry, might see him soon... that's all I can say... I'm not good at talking about others..." he said walking to the couch. This wasn't helping at all.