I took Park-Shin to his room. I'm his closest that's why I offered to take him. Something was bothering him and I was confused if it was still about his music or the fact that I had told him that I was not done with my song yet. I know he worried a lot and takes things seriously but this was the time to celebrate and not be upset. I got him to his bed. He was not as heavy as I was expecting but supporting him made me pant because it was almost like he was not walking at all.
"I've never seen you drink so much before... You don't even like alcohol that much.." I said almost acting like I was talking to myself. I had placed him in his bed and I wanted to get his shirt off now. All of a sudden he started sobbing. At first, I thought it was a joke but after listening and looking at him carefully I realized that he was actually crying.
"Hey, are you alright?..." I asked concerned and getting on the bed.
"Don't come near me... Just leave me alone please..." he said in between the tears and sobs. I was surprised and kinda upset. Shin has never pushed me away before and this made me feel so bad. I know he is drunk but people always speak their emotions when they are drunk right? I looked at him in awe. Why was he doing this?
"Please... Shin, it's me!" I said trying to get close to him but he pushed me away again.
"You think I'm drunk huh? Yes, I am drunk but I'm aware of what I'm doing... I don't want you here Evel, please just leave me alone. I don't want you to take care of me, I can take care of myself." I don't know why he was saying this but he was hurting me. I've never expected him to treat me this way. I don't even know what I've done wrong to him.
"Please could you at least tell me what I've done wrong... It hurts to push someone away like this you know" I said with a breaking voice. I couldn't stand the fact that he was doing this to me. We were the closest in the whole band, we've always been close but right now I'm not even sure anymore.
"Hurt? Your speaking of being hurt? You don't even know what you are saying... our band, our contract is ending by the end of the month, I'm not sure of how to take this... I don't even know what to say or feel, I'm used to sharing a dorm with you guys, we've always been together and now it feels like we are scrambling down... It hurts so much... I was used to you taking care of me gbe most but we are going to be living separately, all of us... it's eating me up inside" He said sobbing louder now. Good thing each of our rooms is soundproof or the other two would be here now and this would be serious because they would start crying too.
I got on the bed and this time he did not push me away, he got out of the bad and left me there. I had wanted to hug him and tell him that it would be okay but he was walking away from me.
"Do you what hurts most? The day you went to your house, I had to work extra add to finish my schedule that day early to come and see you at your new house. I parked my car at a safe distance and was walking to your house when it started raining. I ran, I even fell while running only to see you at the gate, with someone else. That Wasn't someone I know. I could see him from a distance and I could see how you looked at him. You even looked worried about him, at first I thought that maybe he was your anonymous friend but the way you pulled him in showed somwgjibgv else... do you know how it hurts? I've always tried my best to stay close to you right? You always call me baby Shin right? Was all that just for fun? Tell me now... If fucking hurts so much Evel... You didn't even get to write your song because of him, you had gone there to write a song but you did not. I'm beginning to doubt if you really went there for the song or too went to meet him because you knew that no one would bother watching you... Is it true tell me?" He asked looking at me his eyes full of tears. I did not want to lie to him.
"I went there to see him, I didn't know if he would come but I had gone there because I had invited him...." I said looking down. I could feel that he was disappointed but I just didn't want to lie and hurt him more.
"You can't even hide it... Do you just want to hurt me more is that why you are telling me the truth like this? I can't believe this, at least I thought that I meant something to you... almost sleeping in your room every day, asking for advice from you, always doing everything I can to get close to you didn't you ever notice me? How was it so easy for you to notice a stranger while I've been here with you giving you all kinds of signals? You've never cared about me even for a second? Of course, if you did then you'd have realized that ages ago... I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now... Please just leave my room" He said crying. I didn't mean to hurt him. I've always seen him as a friend and the signals he is talking about I've never realized them. Maybe because I'm used to joking and playing with him a lot that's why I've been taking everything for granted.
"I'm sorry... Please, Shin, I'm sorry I hurt you that night, I swear I looked to see if there was someone but I didn't see if I had seen you do you think I'd have left you? Do you think I'd let the rain pour on you? Do you think that I would let you go back just like that.? I care about you so much Shin, I care about you more than I care for myself." I said and he just looked at me still crying. I went ahead and hugged him. I know he always needs hugs he feels down and I was there to hug him anytime he needed it. He hit my chest while crying and I let him do it. If it was going to make him feel better then I was not going to stop him.
"I'm so mad at you right now you know? I'm so mad, I'm so mad that I don't even know what to do... It hurts so much... What did you see in him that you can't see in me Evel? Tell me what you saw in him, you said that you wanted someone with a beautiful singing voice right? You've always told me that mine is beautiful, you like someone who can cook for you, I do that every time, right? I cook for you guys and you love my meals right? Tell me why can't it be me?" I felt that he was really hurt. I feel so sorry for him. Maybe if I had felt the same way I would have been able to give him some encouraging words.
Right now I can't stop asking myself why I have never realized him. Why have I never gotten gbe signals he is talking about? Shin has everything I'd look for in someone. He is very cute, plays a lot with me, always listens to me, and comes around when I need him most. He knows me much better than I know myself and knows everything that I like. I'm just wondering why I have never thought of him as more than a brother.