I woke up in Shin's room. I had to take care of him the whole night because he couldn't stop crying and I felt that it was not right to leave him like that when it was all my fault. He was not up yet. I looked at his sleeping face and couldn't help but adore him. Who wouldn't like him? Who wouldn't adore his cuteness? I liked him, I liked him so much in such a way that if I had never met Axel then maybe I would choose him. But Axel is stuck in both my heart and mind. I know he is a bit younger judging from his talking and how he looked but I still can't forget him. I don't want to lie to Shineither or promise him something that I may not be able to give him. Maybe I need to talk to him when he is sober and make him understand that I didn't intend to hurt him.
I had to go to my room and take a shower. If I had a shower in Shin's room I'm definitely sure he would wake up but I just want him to have a peaceful sleep because he had had a long night. After taking the shower which I had made it a long one, I sat on my bed, thinking. No one was up right now and I did not want to wake anyone. We were all free today so I let them enjoy their sleep because they had had busy days unlike me. I needed someone to talk to right now and if it was about someone else then right now I would be in Shin's room asking for his help. I've always felt his closeness to me and that led me to trust him even more than I trust myself. Sometimes I go to his room unnecessarily, I would go and sit on his bed for almost an hour without saying anything and then go. Sometimes I even go to his room at midnight just to check if he is having a good sleep or even sleeping over there and he's usually surprised when he wakes up and finds me there. The other day Soojin had teased me that he had thought that Shin's room belongs to me because I'm always there and even when they come in, I'm the one who opens the door and welcomes them. Actually, that's true, I've been in Shin's room longer than I have been in my own room. I've never liked being alone anyways and this is always my best idea to kill boredom.
I got my phone and scrolled down. The contacts were very few because we were not allowed to talk to a lot of people because of security reasons. I had contacts of my parents and then a few friends from other bands and then my bandmates and then the necessary contacts that belonged to the company. In total, I had less than twenty-five contacts. Icoukdbt find anyone better to talk to so I decided to text Axel.
'Hi... I know you said that I shouldn't disturb you but it's been a while... I miss you... ' I sent the message and waited for a reply but twenty minutes had passed and he was not texting back. This made me feel bad and I even ended up thinking that he had given me the wrong number.
I even tried calling him but he could not pick up.
'Can you please talk to me... I need someone to talk to right now... I'm not feeling okay.. ' I texted again and waited for a reply but didn't get any. I gave up on trying to text and decided to sleep even though I don't want to sleep at all. It's like I was just forcing myself because there was nothing I could do.
It was almost thirty minutes when I heard my phone vibrate. I took it unwillingly because I was already bored.
I unlocked it just to check what was it only to find a message from him. I couldn't be anymore happier because I immediately got up and sat well on the bed. I felt so happy that at least he had replied.
'I'm not good with deep conversations so I won't promise that it will help but I'm a good listener.' That's what it said and I felt better. Atkest he did not start asking who it was or what I wanted. Maybe I should just go straight to the point right? I'm good at hiding things but with him, I felt no use in doing it.
' My bandmate likes me. Shin, you know him right? I just learned it yesterday night and I'm confused. I don't want to hurt him but I still want to lie to him too. I don't know what to do... We've always been together and I don't want to lose him but what will I do? I have my eyes on someone else and I like him so much and I don't think that's how I feel about Shin. I love him yes but just as a best friend and a brother... I feel bad about it Axel. I feel bad that I'm hurting him even though I'm not doing it intentionally.... ' I sent the message. That s what I was really feeling.
'your lucky, Shin is cute. I hate conversing so don't text again I won't reply that's what it said and I felt bad. Why was he like this to me? Didn't he see that I liked him? Can't he talk that he is the one I'm having my eyes on? Why didn't he ask me who I liked? Doesn't he care at all? What did he mean by I'm lucky Shin is cute? Of course, Shin is very cute but he was much more cuter. I felt so upset by what he had just said and I immediately regretted talking to him. I had thought that at least we will get to talk more but he just shut me off when I thought that we would actually get to talk and he would understand me. I put the phone away immediately to avoid crashing it because that's what I felt and this time I had to force myself to sleep. The disappointments were already enough and I still had to think about what to say to Shin.