After experiencing morning sickness for a few weeks now, I became certain that the mistake has resulted in something I am truly not prepared for. I'm scared. I could barely do anything because of my anxiety. Sometimes, I would stay inside my room not realizing that hours have passed. I don't know what to do.
There are times that I think that Aunt Simona is disappointed in me. She hasn't been as conversational with me for days now and it only fuels my uneasiness.
Semiramide and I lay on my bed. She recently became aware of my situation. I wasn't able to tell her earlier because my head is a little out of place, it still does but talking about it somehow helps.
"Are you ever going to tell Giuliano?" She asks as we look at the ceiling.
I was silent for a few seconds, thinking hard before answering. "I don't know. I don't even think he was aware of what happened that night. We must have been awfully drunk." I said, chuckling nervously at the latter note.
"I did try to find you but Madonna Lucrezia said that you're all taken care of." She said.
How did she know that I'm in one of their rooms? "I don't think she'll be happy about the circumstances if she knew."
"I beg to differ."
Her words made me snap into looking at her with confusion. "Why would you say that?"
She looks back at me and shrugs lightly. "She's a mother too. I remember that my mother was the same way. I couldn't understand how and why she accepted my brother's bastard so I asked her. She said that being a mother is a universal feeling. One cannot persecute someone for bringing life despite the incidents that have led to it."
A little compelled by her words, I look back up to the ceiling and wonder if Lucrezia would be the same way. "I can only hope."
"Does this mean you will stay?" Her voice suddenly increased in tone from enthusiasm.
I debated in my head whether I should but my answer is just inconclusive as to the answer I gave her in her first question. "I don't know."
The answer saddens her but she chose not to say anything.
I have so many things on my mind. Apart from my pregnancy, I'm also thinking about Botticelli. It's been weeks and I have been limiting my conversation with him whenever he sees me occasionally on my strolls and every time he would talk about what happened in the cupola, I couldn't bring myself to say the words I want to say.
I don't know if he'd still feel the same way if he finds out I'm carrying the child of a different man. I'm scared he'd leave me upon learning of my pregnancy, hence my stalling.
I was on my way to my usual stroll when I noticed Aunt Simona by the parlor. She's sitting silently and alone, completely preoccupied with whatever she's thinking at the moment. Wanting to talk to her, I decided to walk toward her and spoke. "Aunt Simona, may we talk?"
"Of course." She said impassively without gazing at me.
I reluctantly sat by her and look at my fidgeting hands on my lap before I spoke. "Are you disappointed in me?"
"Why the question, dear?"
"You may not say it, but I can feel it. You have barely said words to me. You have been unusually quiet when I'm around and it all started upon your knowledge of my pregnancy." I said as I frown. She was silent for a few seconds. Her silence has only confirmed my suspicions. With an aching heart, I spoke and got up. "Alright then, I better leave."
I was a few feet away from the door when she suddenly spoke. "I'm not disappointed." Her words stopped me midway and spark hope inside my chest. "I'm worried." I turn to face her as she still stoically sitting by the settee as she spoke. "I thought if you have me by your side, I can prevent you from foolish things. Your gestation confirms that no matter what I do, sometimes you would unknowingly follow your mother's footsteps."
I walk towards her slowly, with a frown, and spoke, "So you think I'm a mistake then."
"No, I don't." She then finally look at me and smiled. "Having you has been the greatest of blessings she could have ever asked for. I just wish she didn't have to endure carrying a different man's child inside her apart from her husband's or have simply sated herself with loving a man from afar." I sit next to her again, watching as her tears slowly flow to her cheeks. "I have only wanted a family for her. One she could love freely." She then turns towards me and cups my cheeks. "I want that for you too." Finally able to understand her, I hug her tightly and rub her back. She only wants what's best for us. I may not have known my mother but I know that this kind of love must be the same.
"I'm sorry, Aunt Simona. I didn't mean to upset you." I said while trying to calm her down by continuously rubbing her back.
"I know, dear." We then let go of each other and hold hands as she continues. "Just promise me that you will try to avoid doing anything reckless."
Holding her hand tighter, I smiled. "I promise."
Franzia has been better since I decided to stay in Florence. Sometimes, she would even invite me to come along with her to the market. Today, I decided to come along. While Franzia is preoccupied with buying the things we need, I decided to look around at the flowers being sold. I used to love roses but recently found a genuine interest in Orange-tree flowers. Roses remind me of England. When I got up, was about to go back to Franzia when I noticed someone smiling at me. My eyes suddenly widen in panic.
"Antonia, I thought you have already left," Giuliano said as soon as he was next to me. His smile only grew wider the closer he is to me.
"Yes, well something has come up," I said plainly. His presence makes me feel too uneasy that my palms suddenly start to sweat.
"I see. I hope this means you'll stay for good this time." Even his voice angst me. I feel sick to my stomach, I think my heart is in my throat. I was about to respond when I suddenly run towards the nearest place to retch. Curse my morning sickness. I wipe my mouth with my sleeves afterward and panic soon settles on my stomach as I heard footsteps coming in my direction. "Is there anything I can do for you, Antonia? You do not seem well." Giuliano said, his voice full of concern.
I slowly turn to face him and muster a smile. "I'm fine, you do not need to worry about me. I perhaps need to simply lay down."
Judging by his expression, I can already tell that he knows I'm not well even then he chose not to say anything and simply nodded. "I hope you feel better."
I nodded my head yes and let myself be scarce.
The events that happened in the cupola have kept me awake at night. I cannot face Giuliano nor Botticelli. Especially Botticelli. Not telling him the truth sickens my stomach but I don't know how to tell him.
Besides, I couldn't tell anyone about my situation for now. I'm only 2 months pregnant. It's a very delicate journey during the first 3 months. It's something I knew the hard way. I wonder how my mother felt when she was pregnant with me. Did she feel as scared as I am? Did she know what she wants to do by this time?
Walking has become a solace. It clears my head. The church of Ognissanti has been quiet and I honestly prefer it that way. Sitting by my mother's resting place helps me with my growing anxiety. Suddenly, a girl tugs my dress as she smiles at me.
Her cherub cheeks are red and her eyes are big and blue and looking at them reminds me of someone I couldn't quite determine. I kneel to meet her eyes as I smile back at her. "Hello."
The girl then proceeded in handing me a flower. A white chrysanthemum. When I took it from her, she suddenly pokes my nose. Taken aback, my eyes widen. The little girl laughs and then runs towards the door. Her hair is like fire when the sun lights up her form.
I have developed a deeper hatred in the mornings as I bend over and vomit. I hate feeling sick and I've most definitely been missing eating fish but the smell of it makes me gag. The chrysanthemum has slowly withered over time yet I still have no clue what to do.
As I read a book, Aunt Simona came inside the room and decided to sew. When she started, I couldn't help but talk to her. "Aunt Simona, can you help me with something?"
Without looking up, she spoke. "What is it, my sweet child?" Her hands seamlessly work through the fabric as she spoke.
"I still don't know if I should tell my pregnancy to him," I said, looking at the book that is now closed on my lap.
"To whom? Giuliano or Sandro?"
I look up at her wondering why she didn't assume I'm only talking about Giuliano at all. "Botticelli?" This is the only response I managed.
She finally looks up and pauses her sewing to look into my eyes with pinched lips. "Darling, you need not say a word about how you feel about Sandro. It is quite evident."
My cheeks burn in embarrassment. "I thought I have managed to conceal my feelings for him. Now I have proven myself that I failed after all."
"I know you better than you think. Simonetta gave Constantine the same look as before. It's quite unmistakable." Her smile is filled with longing as she remembers my mother. It's a mixture of sadness and happiness.
Sighing deeply, I spoke. "I have not talked to him in a while. I don't even know what I should say." After vomiting, I instantly went home and left the subject hanging. I know he wanted to hear the words but now that I'm certain I'm carrying Giuliano's child, I don't think I should anymore.
"I think you should tell him." I look up at her with fear in my eyes. I know I don't deserve him but I do love him. Despite everything, I do not want him to leave. "If what you feel for him is true, you must not deceive him by keeping the truth."
Unable to control myself, I bit my lower lip in anxiety. "What if he leaves me when he learns of it? I don't want him to go."
Aunt Simona sympathetically smiled at me then leaned forwards to reach for my hand and hold it tightly and encouragingly before speaking. "A relationship is between two people. You cannot deprive him of his choice. If you love him, you must learn to accept that he may leave and he may not. Either way, the decision is his and his alone."
She's right. How can we go on when I keep depriving him of the truth? It's not fair. "What about Giuliano?"
"He's the father of the child you're carrying. He also needs to know."
The last time I was here in the cupola, Botticelli confessed his love for me. I wonder if he'll still feel the same after he learns the truth.
"Antonia?" He said as he joins me by the banister. "I came as soon as I got your letter."
My heart is palpitating in my chest. My eyes are welling up in tears in fear of the things he might say. Even then I soldiered on because I love him. "Thank you. I truly appreciate you coming up here." I said with a shaky voice.
His brow furrows in concern as he studies my face. "Are you alright?"
I wanted to tell him, no, but if I do I'm scared that I'll break down, cry and become unable to tell him what he needs to know. With every courage left inside me, I began. "There's something I need to tell you." Botticelli fell quiet as he anticipates the words that will be said next. "That time you said you love me, it gave me relief because I love you too." He slowly smiles at my statement but decided not to interject. "However, I couldn't say it at the time because something has happened." The smile that was on his face soon disappears and stayed quiet. "During Giuliano's feast, I was really upset and uneasy because I wanted to go back to my time but seeing you there wavers every determination I have inside me. On top of that, I also have to deal with the studying gazes of Lucrezia. The mixture of feelings has inclined me to drink more than I can tolerate that I had to stay the night in the palazzo." My voice continues to quiver and my heart beats louder than ever. Judging by his expression, he is already expecting something terrible to hear and it pains me to see him like this. Suppressing my tears, I cleared my throat and continued. "I don't remember what happened that night as soon as I got inside the room but when I woke up, Giuliano was beside me." His brows are still furrowed, his eyes still showing a mixture of feelings, and yet I don't know what is running inside his head and it terrifies me even more. Not wanting to see the pain in his eyes, I look down and reveal the secret I have been withholding as I prepare for the worst. "And now, I'm carrying his child."
I have been expecting the worst, possibly him screaming, being furious at me or his friend but what I saw on his face when I finally look up deeply cut me inside. All his emotions disappeared. It's as if he became indifferent toward me. There is a certain coldness in his eyes that I have never expected to see. "I see." He said impassively. "Congratulations are in order then."
His words were something I didn't expect and that's partly the reason why it pains me more. We stood there silently as my tears begin to fall on my cheeks when he decided to descend the stairs, leaving me in my place without a word. It took me a while before I managed to stop myself from crying and go home. Upon reaching home, Aunt Simona consoles me as I weep in my bed.
A few days that followed, I sent a letter to Giuliano for him to meet me by the banks of Arno. I don't know how he'll take the news of my pregnancy but after that fateful day with Botticelli, I have decided that it is best if I leave after all. I need to be away from Botticelli if I wanted this baby to be safe. Seeing him would only give me nothing but heartache. When he arrives, he sat down next to me and smiled. "Thank you for inviting me here today. I have been looking for an excuse to see you."
"I invited you here to tell you something," I said.
"I'm listening."
"Do you remember anything that happened during your feast?" I ask, hoping to figure out if he has any recollection of the events of that night.
"Not quite. I do remember dreaming about you that night though when I went to sleep." He responded as he looks towards the river in reminiscing. "It might sound crazy but I caught a whiff of your scent when I woke up. I must have been too inebriated that night." He said as he chuckles at the thought.
"Something happened, Giuliano."
He snaps his head towards me with a confused look. "What do you mean?"
"I guess we're both too intoxicated to remember but I'm pregnant. It only confirms what happened that night." He was silent for a while so I decided to continue. "I do not need anything from you. I just want to let you know, since you're the father of the child I'm carrying. I will leave, so you didn't have to worry about anything—"
"—Why would you leave?" He said, interrupting me.
"Well, I don't mind raising the child on my own. Your knowledge of the existence of your child is enough for me."
"It isn't for me." Confused, I stare at him dumbfounded. "I appreciate you letting me know of our child. I know you did not need me or anything from me but I want to. My feelings for you have endured. I couldn't think of anyone better to share a family other than with you."
I wasn't expecting his acceptance of the child, especially when we are far from being married. "But what about your fiancé?"
He smiles and cups my cheek as he spoke. "Semiramade is not my fiancé. I love you and you are the only woman I would rather be next to me every second of every day." I may not love him, but his positive reaction has somehow given me relief. As we lean on each other's foreheads he whispers, "You didn't have to be alone in this. Married or not, I love you and our child."