Giuliano has been visiting daily since he found out I was pregnant. He was kind enough to indulge me in my choice of keeping my pregnancy a secret from everyone else, at least until my belly starts to show.
Even though he has confessed his feelings for me multiple times, he has not asked me to say I love you back. Does he know of my lingering feelings for Botticelli? Either way, that would not matter any longer. Botticelli has been clear about his disappointments in me. That makes two of us.
At 5 months, my belly begins to swell. Thanks to the dress in this century, my belly is unnoticeable. Walking by the streets, despite the awful smell of fish being sold, I couldn't help but smile especially when I see kids running around the streets.
They have been elating me recently. It's perhaps because, in a few months, I'll have a babe of my own.
Arriving at the banks of Arno, I couldn't help but think about the moments I had with Botticelli. I sometimes would see him whenever I walk, but he usually won't look at me.
I have stopped going to the cupola because I get tired too easily nowadays, but in truth, I'm simply scared to go up there and see him avoid me or pretend as if I don't exist.
After what we've been through, I'd simply give him space where he could not see me. I can only imagine how painful it was for him. This city is too small for us not to see each other. I wonder if he still thinks of me the way I think of him almost every day.
When Leonardo arrives, he gladly sat down next to me with a smile as he fishes out the drawings he wishes to show me. "These are a few things I have been working on."
Looking through his sketches, I wanted to tell him how important these papers are going to be in history. "Wow, these are amazing, Leonardo. Nicely done!" Mostly, his drawings consist of siege weaponry. I already know where this conversation will lead.
"Do you think it's good enough for the Medicis to let me make them?"
"To be honest, I do not know," I said, making him feel uncertain. "Do you think Florence needed these types of equipment?"
"We can never always be at peace." He said as he stares at his creations.
"I think it's great of you to think of these great things and the only way for you to know about their answer is to ask them yourself," I said encouragingly as I hand his works back.
"I just wanted to know what you think. After all, you are now one of the most influential women in the city." He said, as he files the papers and put them back in his satchel.
My brow creases in confusion. "Why would you think that?"
Leonardo did a double-take at me and look as if I'm missing the obvious. "You're Giuliano's woman. I'm sure you can sway one of the most powerful men in the city."
I was silent for a while. I may be carrying his child but I do not think I'm his woman. "Did he tell you that?"
"No, but he has been frequenting your house. There are even rumors that perhaps you're now his new fiancé." I do not know why I suddenly feel uneasy. I didn't know that I have become someone in this century. I felt as though my heart fell to my stomach. The repercussions of this in history may be significant and I'm scared of the consequences. When Leonardo looks at me once again, he has noticed my reaction, making him panic for a few seconds. "Forgive me. I should not have said that. I just thought that you and Giuliano are truly together especially now that you don't see Sandro anymore."
"It's fine. I just didn't know that word is spreading around about us. Things are a lot more complicated than that though." I said, looking over the flowing river.
"What do you mean?" He asks, still looking at me.
Sighing, I decided to tell him everything. "I'm pregnant with Giuliano's child but what happened is something we did not plan," I said, still looking at the river, in fear of how he would look at me now that he knows the truth.
"Did he force himself on you again?" He whispers, remembering the incident that happened last year.
I shook my head no. "He didn't. We were both intoxicated at the time and barely remember anything. I just woke up with him next to me and in panic, I left." I whisper as I look down at my hands while fidgeting.
He was silent for a while and felt his gaze switch elsewhere. "Does Sandro knows?"
I nodded my head yes. "That's the reason he has been avoiding me," I said as my voice broke, feeling a sting in my chest.
"No wonder why he's been quite different lately."
When I look up at him, my hands started feeling cold. "Is he doing alright?" He only shrugs in response. "The last thing I want to do is to hurt him and yet it is exactly what I ended up doing anyway." My gaze went toward the river as I remember the way he looked at me at that time. The indifference is so palpable, that I felt as if he will never forgive me.
"You cannot guarantee things when everything is uncertain," Leonardo said. "However, if you don't mind my asking, do you truly love Sandro?" He said as we look into each other's eyes.
With sincerity, I spoke. "Yes. I truly do but I doubt that it matters now. He hates me and I couldn't blame him."
He leans back as he smiles while still holding my gaze. "You would be surprised how feelings overpower our logic."
"I don't know." I trailed as I look into the distance. "No man can love a woman carrying someone else's child."
"Don't underestimate people in general, Antonia. You may never know what they are thinking."
Sewing has become a hobby I do not expect to love yet here I am, making clothes for my future child. I wonder if my baby would be a boy or a girl. I'm not sure what the gender will be, but I'll love my child all the same.
My thought was suddenly interrupted by a series of knocks on the door. When it opened, Franzia opened it, and then Giuliano came inside. She closes the door and left the two of us together.
"I wasn't expecting you to come by until later," I said as I smile at him.
He smiles back and walks toward me. He sits next to me and held my hands until he notices what I'm making. "Is that for the baby?" He asks.
"Yes. I just want to make something for him or her." I said as I cup my belly.
"May I?" He said, gesturing for the baby clothes I'm making. I nodded yes, and then he brings it to his eyes and grins widely. "You are quite good, but you do know you need not make these things. We can simply buy clothes for our child." He continued as he places the clothing on his lap.
"I do, but I want to make something for the baby. Something that I made."
He smiles gently as he tucks some locks behind my ear. "You are going to be an exceptional mother." Flattered, I smiled coyly at him. "Which reminds me." He then takes out a box from his pocket and opens it in front of me, revealing a gold ring with a green emerald in the middle. My lips partially opened. "Take this ring as a promise that I will marry you."
My heart suddenly beats faster and louder in my chest. I was not expecting this to happen at all. "Giuliano, you know that your mother will not approve."
"I do not care. The only woman that I will love for the rest of my life is you, Antonia. If you say yes, I will secure you from everything even from my family if need be." He said as he looks at me deeply.
His eyes are filled with hope, promises, and sincerity. This beautiful influential man, vulnerable at my feet, willing to do anything for me, and yet I couldn't help but wish it was Botticelli instead. "I-I don't know, Giuliano," I said, as tears fell down my cheeks at the thought of I am hurting him yet again.
My words were not taken as rejection, instead, he places the box in my hand and said, "I know I may not have been perfect though I try to be for you. I may not have your heart as you have mine but I do know that if you give me a chance, I'll try to make you the happiest you could be." He pleads.
Looking at the ring once again, I suddenly remembered something I have almost forgotten. I need to say yes. I owe it to him to make him happy. Especially when he only has a month left in his life.
Tears roll down my cheeks yet again, not for my yearning for Botticelli but in mourning the death that will soon be upon him. I nodded my head yes and say, "Yes, it would be my greatest pleasure to marry you."
He grins widely upon my answer. He then took the ring and places it on my finger. Upon looking at my fingers, he cups my face and plants the sweetest kiss on my lip. As I reluctantly kiss him back, my tears continue to flow.
It has been a while. Many things have changed and in a month, this city will be in an uproar by the major event that will shake Florence. As I lean on the banister of the cupola, I look at the ring on my finger as I wait for Botticelli to arrive. I need to do something.
I have changed history, perhaps I can do something to prevent Giuliano from dying. When I heard footsteps, I turn around to look at Botticelli. His face looks glum and serious as he walks toward me. "Thank you for coming," I said, relieved to see his face once again.
He quietly looks over the view and spoke. "Is there anything that I can do for you, Madonna?"
The tone of his voice only confirms his indifference towards me. Despite how much it bothers me, I decided to look past it and tell him what I have in mind. "I need you to help me. Something is about to happen. The Pazzis along with the pope will conspire to kill both Giuliano and Lorenzo."
My words were like cold water splashing onto his face. He turns pale as he looks at me. "It's already in history?"
"Well, yes and no."
"What do you mean?" He said, turning to me with his brows furrowed in frustration. "Be straight with me, Antonia."
"There will be 3 attempts in their life. On the third, they'll succeed." Taken aback, he became silent as he leaned toward the banister. "On Easter, inside the church, they will try to kill both brothers and they will succeed in killing one."
"Which one?" He asks swiftly.
"Giuliano."
He looked away and breathe deeply before speaking. "What do you want me to do?"
"Help me prevent Giuliano from attending the mass."
When he looks back at me, his eyes went down to my hand where the emerald ring is situated. "I cannot promise to succeed but I will try to save your fiancé." I want to tell him that I do not love Giuliano and that I still love him. Even then, what good it could do? "If you know that he might die, why can't you just marry him right away?" He asks, taking me aback. Why? I only said yes because he might die but now that I'm trying to prevent it, I'm not certain if I'd still marry him if he lives. I must have said it out loud as Botticelli scoffs. "How is it that you agree to marry him without any confidence that he may survive the event that may happen?" I didn't want to answer. I cannot answer. I cannot reveal to him that I do not love Giuliano. "Perhaps you enjoy toying with our feelings. Is that it? Perhaps the attention sates you?"
Feeling insulted, I slapped him across his face as I suppress the tears welling up in my eyes. "How dare you." He didn't move even after I spoke. He kept looking away as I continued. "Yes, it's true I only accepted his proposal even when I'm not certain he'll survive despite my knowledge of his death. I may be leading him on into thinking that perhaps we'll marry and live together but I have never toyed with his feelings! Not once did I tell him that I love him because I love you! I am only doing this despite my uncertainty because I'm trying to make him happy. After all, he deserves it. Final days or not." When I was done, I found myself panting. I no longer have any control over my tears, they fell. He then pulls me closer to him, hugs me tightly, and rubs my back to comfort me.
"Forgive me. My words have been harsh." He whispers as I continue to cry.
"I never toyed with anyone's feelings. If you feel as though I have toyed with yours, I ask for forgiveness. I do love you, I just couldn't undo the things that have happ—"
Botticelli cuts me off by gently hushing me as he wipes my tears away. "No more talks of that. We must focus on saving Giuliano's life instead." He said then hugs me again as he strokes my red locks.
When I told Botticelli that we need to save Giuliano, I have no idea what to do. How can I save him when the only thing that I know is that he'll die inside the church while Lorenzo is slightly injured?
As I begin to write, my door bursts open revealing some men from the church. "Antonia Gorini. You have been suspected of witchcraft. We need to take you in for interrogation."