Aki was still asleep when I entered the apartment, and I took the time I had to myself to run the bath. Partly because my body was sore and I thought that the warm water would help soothe my muscles, but partly because I wanted the water to cleanse the dirty phantom feelings I had. I sat for only a moment, taking a look at the bruises around my wrists, and covered my face with my hands to cry. I allowed myself to cry hard, sob out loud, but I was afraid that I would wake Aki, and tried to damped the noise with my hands.
I wasn't sure how long I cried. It felt like a long time, but the water was still hot and soothing as finally my sobs subsided. I sniffed and tried to catch my breath as I put my hands in the water, cupping them to pick up some water to wipe the tears from my face.
"Are you okay?" I looked up to see Aki peeking around the door. I nodded to him, and he quickly entered the bathroom and closed the door so he didn't let too much steam escape. He knelt at the side of the tub, folding his arms together to lean over. "I really want to get in there with you."
I smiled at him despite the tears still in my eyes. "Come in. It's still hot."
"I can't soak these stitches." He pointed at the stab wound. "I get them out on Monday when my nose cast comes off. Then I can get in a hot bath to help these ribs." He smiled softly, reaching to run his fingers through the short hair that framed my face. "Why were you crying?"
"Did I wake you up?"
He laughed with his breath, just one exhale through his smile. "No. I heard you when I woke up."
I leaned back in the tub, taking a deep breath, bringing my knees to my chest and rubbing the new tears out of my eyes. "Ayane came to give me the school work I've been missing. Kota said he would help me with it so I didn't fall behind. She said that I'm really lucky, and I shouldn't forget. And then I stood there on the street and remembered everything that happened, and I got scared. Aki, what if something worse had happened? What if I lost you that night? What if the police or Fuji hadn't come in time, or if the man that harassed me had done something more? You would probably break up with me."
I started to cry all over again. I wasn't sure how much more there was left in me to cry. Aki rested his chin on his arm, reaching his other one so his fingertips could stroke the skin of my back. It was a light touch, quiet, gentle, and it was meant to offer comfort. "It's like I told you in the hospital. We can say what if all we want, but here we are. We're okay, and we're getting through it."
I nodded to show that I understood him. "I'm sorry this happened to you." I told him.
"Don't." He shook his head. "This isn't your fault. And listen. If he had have done something more, I would personally commit murder." His tone made me laugh a little, but he continued seriously. "I promise, I wouldn't look at you any differently. I would be here to help you heal and help you remember what real love feels like, just like I'm here to do for you now."
He made me smile, just by speaking the words. "Thank you, Aki."
"I get this cast off Monday after work. I was going to make an appointment at the salon after. Easier for them to wash my hair for me. Do you want to get your hair done?"
I could feel my face light up at the simple suggestion. I hadn't been to a salon in what felt like years, not making the time for it since I had been living on my own. "I would actually love to."
He nodded in confirmation. "Now get out of there." He got up to fetch my towel and held it open for me. "I want you to come out with me."
It had gotten dark, but the air was warming up, and I could smell spring coming, that humid kind of smell like a steamy bathroom. Aki held my hand tightly as we walked slowly out of the apartment complex parking lot onto the street. The lamps lining the street were on, and it was quiet, the houses all dark. It was a clear night, and I could have enjoyed being in it.
Aki stopped walking at the exact spot we had been attacked. I could feel my heart pick up speed as my body recognized the place quicker than my mind did. My fight or flight instinct was kicking into gear, and the gear was flight. I wanted to run from the street, be anywhere except that spot. Aki continued to hold my hand, his grip tightening.
"Aki?" I looked at him in question, trying to pull him to start walking again.
"Natsu, come here." He was smiling softly, standing steadfast in place, and held his arm open to invite me into his embrace. I pressed myself against his body firmly, letting my arms slip around his hips under his jacket. His hands were heavy against my back, offering a feeling of security.
"You know where we are, don't you." He said into my ear. I nodded against him without hesitation. "Nothing is going to happen. It's just us." We stood for a while, unmoving, and I felt my body relaxing little by little as the urge to run faded. "The one thing I learned losing Masami and starting a life with you is that you have to put yourself back in those situations that hurt you in the past. You have to make new memories in those places, otherwise your world continues to get smaller."
I pushed myself away from him to look at his face, but kept my arms circling his hips. "You've never said her name to me before." I wondered if I should let his comment go as if it didn't surprise me, or if he had made it to test if I would notice.
He let his grip loose on me as well, letting his arms rest comfortably around me. He had pulled me so close as we stood on the street in silence that I was leaning forward into him, my hips against his. "I was afraid to say her name." He said. "Her name was Oda Masami. She looked nothing like you. She had crazy bright red hair, and she dressed all in black every day. I think now, looking back on it, she knew she was sick already when she met me. She just never said anything."
I was surprised to hear Aki finally open up a little more about his past, but I listened and imagined him as a young teenager. "She had a degenerative disease that slowly shut her body down until eventually she just couldn't live any longer. It was painful to watch her life slip away from her while she still so enjoyed every day she had. She was always so positive, even when she was in a wheelchair, she couldn't eat by herself, and she lost the ability to talk. She was always smiling."
His voice became softer, and I noticed his eyes glazing over with tears. I realized how painful a memory he had been holding back. "She was always smiling because she was with you, Aki." I said. "Sharing life with you makes it easy to smile."
He nodded, understanding, recognizing that he had done everything he could for her, and had nothing to regret with her passing. I could see how fresh the wound still was, even though some time had passed. "I didn't plan on ever telling you." He admitted. "What you knew was enough, as far as I was concerned. I didn't want it to be a burden to you, and I didn't want you to always be thinking I was comparing you to her. I'm not, and I never have."
"Aki, I know."
"This is how we heal though." He continued. "We have to return to the places and do the things that hurt us, and make new memories. Now, we have a memory in this spot on the street of a time when I opened up to you a little more and we became a little closer."
I looked up at his face and he was smiling, despite the cast on his nose making his expressions small. He let go of me, holding his arms out. "Take a look around, Natsu. There's no one here but us. It's safe."
Over the weekend, Aki and I spent the time quietly. When we were at home, we didn't bother with getting dressed or ready for anything, staying in our underwear most of the time. We went out to walk together, Aki pushing himself to go further and faster than the walk before. He focused on his breathing and stretching exercises, trying his best to push past the pain he was feeling and be able to sing again. Kota spent some time with us, relieving Aki to sleep while he went over my school work with me, helping me finish it so I wouldn't have to worry about summer school. I wanted nothing more than to go on the summer tour with Guardian, and I focused on every word Kota said as he went over scales, composition, pitch, tone, and every note there was. By the end of the weekend, my mind was tired, but my body was refreshed.
"Hey you!" I heard a voice shout to me through the doorway as I tiredly swept the mixing room. There were so many wires and cables on the floor, it was a chore to clean, and I was spent already from the day at school.
I turned to see who the voice belonged to, expecting to see a staff member of the studio with another order for me. "Aki!"
He stood in the doorway with his arms open, smiling. "How was your first day back to school?"
"Exhausting." I let my body lean against him, my arms at my sides, and I rested the side of my face against his shoulder and let him hold me. "I had to spend the day running around apologizing to all my professors and handing in all the work that Kota helped me with."
"You're definitely only getting away with all that because of me." He laughed.
"How was your day?" I asked him without lifting my head or moving.
He took a deep breath and I rose and fell with it. "Also exhausting. And painful. But I sang. And screamed. And then had to sit down a lot. We were rehearsing for the spring concert and the summer tour."
I nodded against him. "They could see that you were trying really hard. I'm proud of you."
"We haven't met the tour second guitar yet. I think they're trying to wait until I'm a little better." He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me away from his body, quickly taking the opportunity to steal a kiss. Without looking around first, I placed my hands on his face to guide him, and stole a kiss back. "Let's get to the hospital and get this cast off my nose, I can't wait to be free of it. And our appointments at the salon are coming up soon."