The day of the final term exam and the outdoor show under the cherry blossoms fell together. Yamada-san and I worked on my professors together so I would be allowed to receive my final grade, and know if I would be able to tour with Guardian for the summer. I sailed through the day, no heaviness on my shoulders. I finally had a feeling that I breathed music as well as Aki did, and I had no hesitation.
I was overjoyed, and spent the rest of the day at school floating once I had learned what the results of my exams were. I changed into a summer dress before I left the school, planning to make a stop at the cafe that Aki like to go to on my way to the studio. I still remembered everyone's preferred drinks from the summer before, and I recalled the rehearsals for the last show with Kamakura as Guardian's home base.
"Sugimori-san, is that you?" I heard a relatively familiar voice call to me, and looked around for a face I recognized. At first I didn't notice anyone, but my eyes settled on Shuta-san as she waved her hand lightly to get my attention. She was standing at the cafe bar, waiting for her order to be presented, but she crossed the room to me as I took notice of her.
"Shuta-san." I said in acknowledgement, unsure where to direct the conversation.
She shook her head as if in dismissal. "You can call me Rinna, please." She said with a welcoming sort of smile.
I nodded to her comment. "Then feel free to call me Natsuko." I returned her sentiment although I felt unfamiliar and unsure of her.
She pointed to the counter where she had been standing. "I ordered for everyone. Aki told me what you like. He said you would be arriving from school soon." Her expression was warm, and she laughed a little. "Good thing I ran into you, maybe you can help me carry everything."
We walked back to the recording studio slowly, intentionally, Rinna carrying a tray of four drinks, myself carrying a tray with mine and Aki's. It felt forced to me, but I could have been imagining it. I had cast judgement on her without even bothering to get to know her because I had felt jealous that she had known Aki. As I thought it over though, I realized I was only feeling jealousy about the situation because I was forcing myself to.
"Hey, can I see your ring?" Rinna asked after what seemed like a long time of walking in silence.
I held out my hand to her and she took it to inspect the ring Aki had given me. "Did Aki tell you?" I was curious to know how she knew I was wearing such a ring.
She beamed a smile, a purely happy smile, and nodded. "You should hear how Aki talks about you." She said, but her expression turned to embarrassment as she looked down for a moment while we walked. "I can't believe I'm saying this to you of all people, but there was a time, a long time ago, that I really wished Aki would talk about me that way." She looked back at me and laughed as if to dismiss her comment.
I nodded to show I understood what she wanted to say. "Aki told me that you two had something going on, a long time ago." I could tell she was trying to make peace with me, showing me vulnerability, and I wanted to return it to her.
She shook her head. "Not a thing. Just a night." She laughed again, but I could tell it was forced to make light of the situation. "I really fell hard for him, but he had already fallen for Oda-san. I'll admit seeing him again like this is a little jarring on my heart though. I guess it turns out I never got over him after all."
I listened to her confession intently, trying to understand how she felt. She sounded disappointed but reserved in her comment, as if she was trying to convey that she knew without hesitation that her moment had come and passed with Aki. It was the first time I had become aware that I had something everyone else wanted. Through the bullying in school, the attack, I had remained oblivious to the underlying reason behind it all that was the jealousy of wanting something that I alone had.
"Don't worry, Natsuko." She said, and I realized I had been silent in my thoughts. "All Aki sees is you."
As we neared the studio, my phone chimed from my bag, and I fished for it to see a message from Aki. "Meet me in my dressing room when you get here, I have your yukata for the show." I held the phone up as a motion to show Rinna. "I'm being summoned to get changed for the show tonight." I told her. "Are you playing with them tonight?"
She shook her head, smiling still. "No, I'm coming to watch. I start rehearsals with them tomorrow when the work begins for the tour." She lifted the tray of coffee cups in a sort of cheers to me. "I'll deliver these to the rest of the guys. I'll tell them it was your idea."
I was excited to tell Aki the good results of my exams, and that I would be able to tour with Guardian over the summer break. I had begun to smile at the thought as I walked down the hall, continuing as I opened the door to the dressing room to slip inside. Aki was seated at the vanity table with makeup open in front of him. He was holding a brush, moving it in quick circles over his temples and forehead. His eyes found me in the mirror, his expression turning upward into happiness the instant he saw me. He turned his chair and patted his thighs, inviting me to sit with him. I set the tray of coffee cups in a strategically clear spot on the vanity table as I swung one leg over his, reaching around the back of his neck and jaw to pull him in and kiss him. I felt his hands grip the backs of my knees tightly.
"You passed." He said, leaning forward and looking up at me.
"Of course I did." I said, reaching over to take up his drink and hand it to him. "Everyone helped me so much, there was no way I could have done poorly."
As he tipped his head back to take a sip of coffee, I took notice of the yukata he was wearing. It was uncharacteristic for him, a pastel blue colour with a design of a white and orange brush painted koi fish spanning one side of the closure, shoulder, and sleeve. He had tied it so the front was loose and would fall open more than it should have, revealing a deep v shape of his chest. His tattoos stood out from underneath the cotton, and I could see the green and yellow cast on his skin from the bruises still healing. I ran my fingertip gently over his skin. I knew that under the yukata, he was still decorated with deep blues that were still painful.
He grabbed my wandering hand, holding it over his chest. "I'm proud of you." He said. "Though I didn't have any doubt that you would pass. I knew you would be coming on this tour with me one way or another. I'm craving to sing with you on stage again."
"How are you feeling?" I asked him, knowing that he had taken my hand away from the bruises because he had been trying to ignore his injury. He was only halfway through what was predicted to be a six or eight week recovery period where he would still experience the pain of the broken ribs.
"I'm fine." He said, seeming annoyed at either the question or the answer, I wasn't sure. "I was doing fine rehearsing today, but started to ache while we were getting dressed. I came in here for some quiet to recharge. And help you get dressed."
He pointed to the rolling clothing rack, indicating that I should inspect the yukata he had picked out for me. It was a rich cream colour, matching the colours he wore, decorated with white, orange, and pastel blue flowers all over. An obi belt was draped over the top of the rack, in a deep blue colour with a tone on tone embossed pattern of tiny random koi fish. I looked over my shoulder to see him watching me with a peaceful smile on his face. "Aki, I love it. You're better at picking out clothes for me than I am for myself."
"We really have to match tonight, though don't we?" He said, relaxing into his chair further. It seemed that just the sight of me in proximity to the yukata was easing any burden on his heart. "You're going to sing with me, aren't you?" I nodded, unwilling to fight a smile of happiness from crossing my face. "Also, I hope you didn't make any plans for the weekend."
"No, I didn't make any plans. Why?" I had kept it to myself, wondering if Aki would even realize that the weekend marked one whole year to the day since our chance meeting at the shrine at home in Kamakura. I wasn't sure if he was the type to be sentimental about such things, or if he too considered the first day we met to be the beginning of our life together.
"I wanted to invite you to my house in Kamakura for the weekend, Sugimori-san." He said, sounding purposely all too formal. "Before the tour starts."
I bowed dramatically to him. "I accept your invitation, Hasegawa-san." I said. "Though I've been warned about what happens when a girl accepts an invitation to a man's room. So please promise me you'll behave."
He scoffed a laugh, amused at my banter, but cast a sarcastic expression to me. "I promise no such thing." He said. "May be you didn't realize, but this weekend is our one year anniversary."
"I did know. I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it in case you weren't into stuff like that." I said as he pushed himself out of the chair and walked stiffly to me, pulling me against his chest.
A knock sounded at the door as it opened a crack to reveal Kota's face peeking inside. Aki didn't let me go, and I only glanced over my shoulder. "We're heading over to the park now." Kota said. "Take your time, we're going to set up so you don't have to do any extra work. We don't want you to hurt yourself before you have to sing a whole set."
"Thank you, Kota. Will you bring a chair for me?" Kota nodded to Aki's request as he closed the door, disappearing from view.
Aki and I arrived at Ueno Park to find the rest of Guardian set up, lingering, and drawing a crowd. As we closed in, I could see them talking here and there so some fans who were waiting for the set to begin as they tuned their instruments quietly. They had chose a spot where the path met the grass in front of the shrine that sat in the center of the park, surrounded by cherry blossom trees in full bloom lining the path. The setup was small, similar to how they had arranged it at the Gesai festival at Tokyo University. Accoustic instruments, a drum kit, and Aki's microphone.
Kota greeted us first, gathering Aki in a tight hug and patting his back. "You guys only brought one mic?" Aki asked, taking a seat on the high bar style stool they had set behind the microphone for him. He seemed to be testing the compatibility.
Kota folded his arms across his chest. He was wearing a yukata that I could have expected Aki to be wearing, plain in a deep red colour. "We figured we'd let Natsuko sing the set this time. Take a break, Aki."
He was obviously joking, but I felt my stomach turn with nerves anyway. In the growing crowd, I could hear calls of Aki's name to gain his attention. I watched him as he smiled and waved in response. Though he was simply sitting waiting for the show to begin, seeing him in the role of performer seemed to always give my heart speed. It seemed that no matter how well I knew him, in all the ways I had witnessed him, I continued to have trouble separating his image from the frontman of Guardian, and I was starstruck. I always thought back to the first time I saw him, the first time I learned of the existence of such a man, on stage at the homecoming Kamakura show a year ago. Ripped jeans dripping in glitter, tattered t-shirt, too much jewelry, bleach blond hair, that was Aki. But in contrast it was hard to believe the same Aki slept beside me every night, caressed me with love, and gazed upon me with admiration.
My thoughts were interrupted as I was suddenly engulfed in his arms, held tightly against his body. "You're looking at me like that again." He said, rocking us both gently from side to side, shifting his weight.
I flattened my palms against his back, trying to pull him closer. "Like what?"
"Like you're starstruck."
I smiled against him at his attention to detail, how well he knew me and how my face gave away how I felt toward him. "No I'm not." I knew I couldn't deny it and make him believe me, and I let my tone be playful.
He kept one hand on my back to hold me in place, the other cradling my jaw and chin. "I know when you look at me like you love me and when you look at me like you're intimidated by me." He said, leaning his head down to kiss me.
"I still love you even when I'm intimidated by you." I said, smiling against his kiss. "Aki, they're watching."
He lingered a moment longer as if to say, 'let them', then began a slow walk over to his microphone. He held out his arm and pointed at me as he walked. "We'll pack and go right after."