I found myself quickly swept up in the crowded streets of Shinjuku. Lights, signs, people, voices, movement, all confusing my mind which had gotten used to the peace of being alone with Aki in Kamakura quickly. I had forgotten hopelessly what Tokyo was really like in such a short amount of time away from it, and I was having trouble converting from the peace and quiet of the weekend. Aki's arm around my shoulders, pulling me tightly against his body, drew my attention away from the busyness. I returned his hold with my arm around his back, hooking my fingertips into his hip desperately, and looked at him for guidance. "You're out of practice being here on a weekend." He said. I nodded in agreement, feeling as though I must have looked like a lost child. "Relax, no need to be so on guard. I've got you."
It had begun to bother me how the realization of the intentions behind the attack on us made me scared. I was noticing that I was scared of things, places, situations, that used to be part of my daily life easily. I was feeling more and more agitated with the normalcy around me.
Aki changed our course as we walked down the main street of Shinjuku, leading me into a side street alley. I recognized it as we closed in on the coffee shop that I knew was Aki's favourite, just down the street from the recording studio. I told myself that I lived in that place every day, that I knew it well, that it was part of my home. Aki ordered coffee at the walk up window while I stood back a few paces to wait for him, taking in the scenery around me to calm my frazzled nerves. The alley street with the high concrete retaining walls for the houses lining it, the tall building from the main street overhead, the bushes and flower boxes around the coffee shop.
Aki held out a cup for me, pulling me closer to him with a hand over my shoulder as I took it from him. "You are very distracted today." He said quietly, his voice meant only for me.
I let my forehead rest against his chest and spoke to his feet. "I'm so scared of everything all of a sudden."
I felt his hand move down my back and he pulled me closer still into a proper embrace. "Are you scared of me?"
I breathed a laugh, knowing he was smiling. "No of course not."
"Do you feel safe with me?" He began to rock his weight from side to side gently. I didn't say anything more, nodding into his chest with embarrassment. "Then I won't let you go." His gentle rock became gradually more exaggerated, as he swayed us side to side until I began to laugh. He held out his coffee cup to me, and as I took it to free his hands, he reached to hold my face and kiss me. "It's fun to be out here, isn't it? I'm here with you, nothing is going to happen. And I'm paying for everything, so don't worry."
He kept his face close to mine, touching our foreheads together. I looked into his eyes for a moment, allowing myself to feel the happiness he had just given me. "Thank you, Aki."
He held me close around my shoulders as he lead me to walk. "What are you scared of?"
We had developed a lot of skill being able to walk in sync with each other in that way, with Aki's arm around my shoulders hugging me in close. We fell into step with each other so seamlessly, and I could feel his rhythm, able to predict him more and more each time. I wondered if all of a sudden I had come to understand just how well I was getting to know him, or if singing together so frequently had more to do with it. "I didn't realize until I heard you talking about it last night, just how easily we were attacked. Now, things that were just my life before seem really daunting."
Aki nodded as if he understood what I was talking about. "I used to be like that. It's trauma." He said. "When Masami died, I was suddenly really aware of how fragile life was. I was scared that if I didn't experience everything I could, I could die at any time with a lot of regrets. Eventually though, I started to understand that the experiences I was chasing were still going to be there in the morning, that by trying to rush everything, I was missing more." He walked us close together through the small streets, winding around the residential buildings. "It's fine to be scared. But you can't stay scared. Remember what I told you, you have to have these experiences again and make new memories, otherwise your world gets smaller."
We stopped in front of a small shop that seemed to be carved into the concrete retaining wall. It had a lightbox sign on top of the doorway, and a sandwich board stood outside to announce new arrivals and sales. "I feel like in order to do that, I'd have to go out into the busy streets by myself and successfully not have a meltdown." I said.
Aki opened the door for me, motioning for me to go inside. "Do you think you could?"
"Maybe not right now."
"Then I'll go with you. I'll just stay a few paces behind." I turned to keep my eyes on him as I walked through the door. How sincere he was in everything he offered to do for me. "Have a look, Natsu." He laughed as I stood in the doorway waiting for him, hanging on his every word. "I'll be on this side."
I scanned the rows of clothing hanging neatly on the bars, folded on the shelves, and reached out my fingertips to touch some of the fabrics. The store was small, filled but not packed, everything styled in punk fashion trends as I recognized from the clothes that Aki wore day to day. In my life before Aki was a part of it, I would not have paid any attention to clothing like that, but with his influence I found myself gradually preferring it, often reaching for anything I had in black or with checker patterns. I liked how it looked on me, how it gave me just one more advantage to play the part of a rockstar's girlfriend. I was proud of the way I looked.
"Did you find anything you like?" I felt Aki's body press against my back as he snuck up behind me. I was holding a few items to make a whole outfit, waiting for the shopkeeper to prepare a fitting room for me.
The shopkeeper, a young looking girl about my age, walked quickly from the back of the store, letting me know I could use the room. Aki followed me back, but stopped short as I held open the fitting room door. "You staying there?" I asked him, completely unaware of the change in atmosphere in the room.
He glanced to the shopkeeper out of the corner of his eye, then back to me. "I think I better." He said with a secretive looking smile. "Come out and show me when you change."
I stood looking at myself in the mirror, collecting my thoughts before emerging from the fitting room to seek Aki's approval. I tried to form a picture in my mind of what Aki would wear on the set of the photoshoot, if I would match him, if I would ever even come close to looking the part standing next to him. Aki's presence was all encompassing, he had a way of commanding attention even without trying to. I felt like I faded into the background too easily. I tested the skirt I had on, swishing my body side to side to watch it cascade around my legs. It was long, black, almost to the floor, but my shoes were still visible beneath it. It sat neatly hugging my waist, the band thick, and tied at the side in a drooping bow. I had chosen a sleeveless button down shirt, the material black sheer, and put on a dark red thin strapped camisole under it.
"What do you think?" I asked as I stepped out of the fitting room. "Will I match you in this?"
Aki made a sound like a short howl. "You look gorgeous. And the outfit is amazing on you as well." He opened a picture on his phone that he had taken of the outfit he would be wearing to show me, making sure I would be satisfied that we matched. It was a sleeveless cloak with a large hood, over a black sleeveless shirt with a loose collar, and his signature glittery black jeans. I imagined him wearing it with a few bulky silver accessories and his tattoos framed.
We left the shop, Aki carrying my bag containing the outfit for me, his arm reinstated around my shoulders. Stepping back onto the street close against his body, I felt more relaxed than before entering the shop, and I thought maybe all it had taken to reset my mind was to stop thinking about how scared I was for even a short time. Tokyo was my home, and Aki was right about not letting my world become smaller again after it had grown so much in the course of the year.