We spent the day walking slowly through the shrine grounds, the winding paths of the gardens, and looking through the little shops lining the street. We ducked into a cafe halfway through the day to escape the worst of the heat and recharge with food and coffee. Walking through the gardens, Aki asked to take some pictures with my phone, and he crouched to stand it up against a fence post. He instructed me to stand in the midst of a flowering bush taller than us both, and set the timer before running to me. He scooped me up seemingly effortlessly and stepped forward to bend deeply in one knee. I sat atop his thigh as he dipped me like we were dancing in a ballroom, and I kicked my leg up high behind him, taking his cues to exude as much grace as I could. The photo on my phone was perfect.
After the sun began to set, we made our way back to Aki's house. We didn't have much left to say to each other after the day, and used the shower to not only wash away the sweat from the heat, but to linger longer in full contact with each other. The kisses we shared were long, but not hungry, and Aki's hands over my body felt healing. I clung to whatever I could of him, shoulders, hips, neck, back. I was so aware that only the two of us existed in those slow moments. We hadn't been recognized during the day, or if we had, we were left to enjoy each others company in peace. Times like those I could allow myself to forget who Aki really was, what he did, and though separating Aki from Hasegawa Akira was as easy as witnessing him in stage clothes, stripped down in the shower with our skin pressed together made it easy to feel how much he loved me either way.
During the night, before my closed eyes flashed memories of being attacked outside of our Ueno apartment. I saw Aki on the ground, blood, shouts, lights. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was dreaming it, just recalling it from my subconscious. I forced myself awake, calling for Aki as I did.
I felt the familiarity of Aki's hand on my thigh as my eyes came back into focus. "Hey, I'm right here." His voice was close. He was sitting against a pillow beside me, a book in his hand, the light from the table lamp dim and warmly coloured. "Are you okay?"
He held his arm open, and I positioned myself against his body, my head resting on his chest. His arm draped over me protectively, his hand smoothing down my side and over the curve of my hip. "Nightmare." I said.
I felt his kiss on the top of my head. "I get them too." He said, in a way that let me know he understood exactly what kind of nightmare I had.
I looked up at his face. He looked peaceful, sleepy, wearing his glasses he only wore to read. "You do?" I felt less alone instantly. "Why didn't you say anything before?"
"You seemed to be doing fine with it, and I didn't want to mention it and interrupt how you were recovering."
The bruises on my skin had long since vanished, but Aki was still healing on the outside as well. The attack had been aimed at him, and I was an innocent bystander. "It happened to us both." I said. "I didn't mean to make you feel like you had to have feelings about it by yourself."
He pointed to the scar on his chest. "I'm fully aware that they tried to kill me that night." He said, his voice wavering slightly. "Knowing that makes me feel really scared of how easy it really is to just snuff out a life if you choose." He leaned his head down to rest his cheek atop my forehead. "I'm having trouble with that."
Before he had voiced it out loud, I had not thought about what the stab wound on his chest really meant. To my fragile mind, it meant only that our attackers had carried a weapon, nothing more. I didn't make any connection to the intention behind carrying a weapon, or using one. I was suddenly more afraid after the reality had been made known to me. "I'm glad you're here."
He hugged me tighter to his body with both arms, laughing slightly. "Me too."
I held him as hard as I could, my arms around his ribs, still afraid to hurt his healing injuries. "No, Aki, I mean I'm glad you're here, and I'm with you." I couldn't find the words to express anything other than love for him, but what I felt in that moment was something more whole than simple love. "You have become this force in my life that keeps me safe, and I know where ever I go and whatever I want to do, you're there with me to allow me to have all these experiences and still have a home to go back to."
I was embarrassed to pour all my unscripted feelings onto him, but I felt the need so strongly to tell him everything on my mind and in my heart, at any time. I could never know when the next chance to do it would escape me. He cradled my head in his hand against his chest where I rested, turning his body slightly toward me to encourage more contact. "Natsu." He said my name with such tenderness. "It will take more than that to separate me from you."
Through the night I woke here and there, my eyes opening only appease my mind that I was still wrapped in Aki's arms, in his bed together with him, his house in Kamakura secure. He slept soundly, and every time I woke I felt the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest deeply with his breath, as if he was keeping time to the beat of a song. Each time, I felt more at ease after being interrupted by the nightmare.
I woke in the morning light streaming in through the window with the movement of Aki's body climbing over me, getting back into bed beside me. He leaned down to kiss my face in an attempt to gently wake me, but I turned my head toward him on instinct to kiss his lips instead. He tasted of coffee, and I was instantly alert. "Did you bring coffee?" I asked him.
"In fact I did." He said, turning to take the pot and mug from his bedside table. He poured carefully over the white blankets on the bed, and held his own mug out to me expectant of me to tap it in a cheer. "Back to Tokyo today." He said.
I leaned back into the pillow, holding my coffee mug with both hands close to my face, as if the aroma alone could bring me back to life. "I like this house. I'm glad we come back to it often." I took advantage of the silent moment to soak in the comfort the house offered me. I didn't have any particular memories of Kamakura that I treasured, but I did treasure all the memories I had of Aki early in our life together. The house belonged to him, him alone, and I felt closer to him just by being invited inside of it. The realization I had of the jealousy others felt toward me for my place in his life made me feel the weight of the privilege of things like sleeping in the bed that belonged to him, and using the shower that belonged to him. Such small comforts afforded to sharing a life with a person you love, and yet I felt I had taken them all for granted.
"Listen." He said, snapping me out of my daydream. "Rehearsals for the tour start tomorrow. The tour is only two weeks away." He looked at me hard. "And you and I have a photoshoot tomorrow."
"We have a what? You're just telling me this now?"
He laughed. "If I had told you on Friday, that's all you would have thought about all weekend." That much was true enough. "I want to take you out when we get back today. You need an outfit, and if you want to get your nails touched up we can do that too. My treat, okay?"
"Aki you spoil me enough."
He held his coffee mug out of the way and reached for the back of my neck, pulling me forward to meet him in a kiss. "What kind of famous rockstar boyfriend would I be if I didn't?"