Stepping into the shower I realized how long it had actually been since I took the time to properly bathe. It had been four days since the attack. I had washed my face in the sink in the hospital, and Aki had been washed up by the nurses as they tended to him upon his admittance, but I hadn't even been able to wash off the hands of my attacker from my body. Once I realized it, my skin felt tainted by the lingering touch of that stranger, and I felt the urge to grab the soap and start scrubbing immediately.
"I can't get my face wet." Aki said, stepping in behind me and reaching to tilt the shower head so the stream of water pointed down. He pressed his body against my back and let his hands smooth over my skin, his palms flat over my hips and travelling down the front of my thighs.
Without thinking, I clapped my hand over his to stop him. "Aki wait, I haven't showered in four days." That was not the reason I stopped his hands from wandering, but it was as close to a relevant reason I could give without speaking my fears out loud. I didn't want him to touch me while some other man's hands lingered on my skin. I wanted to wash it off first.
"You haven't showered since that night." Aki said, and I knew he had figured out why I stopped him. "Natsu, I don't see you any differently because of another man touching you. What he did doesn't mean anything." He guided me to turn to face him, and he met me with a kiss as I lifted my arms atop his shoulders. His voice was soft with exhaustion and gentleness. "Let me erase it for you."
He put the soap directly onto his hands, rubbing them together to create a lather, and cleansed my skin without bothering to use a sponge or cloth. He was gentle, but deliberate in the way he used his hands, and though I felt my body was rigid at first, nervous for him to touch me, I began to easily melt under him. Aki's hands were familiar in the way they glided over me, exploring me in a way that expressed how well he knew my body, and how in tune he was with the parts of me that needed healing. I noticed for the first time how bruised and scratched Aki's knuckles were. He had tried hard to defend himself, not just to detour his own attackers, but trying to get to mine as well. I began to understand how healing the moment was for him as well, like an apology for being taken over, and not being able to help me.
I woke suddenly to find myself laying on my side, comfortably, in the bed I shared with Aki, and as I looked around I could see I was safe. I looked over my shoulder to see Aki asleep, sitting up propped against the pillows. His head was tilted back slightly, his arms relaxed at his sides as if he had fallen asleep abruptly. I remembered with a picture forming in my mind as I looked at him, how he had lead me from the shower into the bedroom. "It's just you and I." He had said to me, as he sat on the edge of the bed. He pulled me with his hands on the backs of my knees until I was resting atop his thighs. I felt my face turn hot as I recalled it. It had been a sincere expression of love, just a way to be closer to each other because as close as we got, somehow even our skin was in the way.
The morning was quiet. The sun was coming in, creating a bright glare in some corners of the room, a warm cast of light in others. It must have been early, but I didn't bother to look at the time or check my phone as I stood in front of the window with my cup of coffee, starting out at the city. It had been so loud in my head for a while. Suddenly everything was quiet again.
I barely heard a soft knock at the front door. Before I made it to open it, Kota appeared, slowly opening the door only as much as he needed to, and closing it quickly. He looked startled when he saw me.
"Good morning!" His voice was hushed, I assumed because he didn't know if Aki was sleeping. He excited gathered me in his arms, hugging me tightly and swaying gently from side to side. "I'm glad to see you looking good. How do you feel?"
He let me go, holding my shoulders so he could look at my face. "I'm good, Kota, don't worry." I pressed my hand to the side of my face, to motion at the bruises on my jaw and neck. "It looks worse than it is."
He motioned to a bag on the floor by the door. "I brought breakfast. Is Aki still asleep?"
I nodded. "He's been exhausted since we got home. He hasn't been awake for more than two hours at a time."
"It's good for him to sleep a lot while he can. I heard he's planning to come back to work on Monday. He's got a long road ahead of him."
"We're going back to the hospital tomorrow. The doctor will let him know if he can go back to work or not then."
"Good morning, Kota." Aki's voice from behind me sounded tired. I looked over my shoulder to see him in the doorway, leaning against one arm, shirtless, his grey track pants threatening to fall from his hips. He had attempted to tie his long hair into a bun, and he looked like a samurai who had just come back from battle.
Kota looked surprised for a second, but walked with his arms out toward Aki, inviting him in to a gentle embrace. Aki rested his chin on Kota's shoulder and closed his eyes. The expression on his face was full of relief. "How are you going to play an outdoor concert in yukata in a couple weeks looking like that?" Kota was commenting on the angry bruising across Aki's left side. "Are you going to say anything publicly about this?"
Aki grabbed a workout mat from the closet in the entryway and rolled it out on the floor. He laboriously got down on his hands and knees on it. "I was thinking about it." He said, lifting and lowering one arm at a time, testing how far he could go before the pain became too much. I knew that even just breathing was painful for him, and I couldn't imagine how much strength it was taking him to begin stretching. "I mostly want to go public with it for Natsu. If she goes back to school looking like that, it's not going to look good for me."
Kota placed a wrapped bagel sandwich on the coffee table in front of Aki. "You think people are going to think you did that to her?" He pointed at me while handing me a wrapped sandwich as well.
"If they don't know what I look like, that's the first thing they're going to think." Aki's speech was followed by short shouts of pain and grunting through his breath. I wanted to help him in some way, but I knew there was nothing I could do. He was head strong and needed to put himself through it. "And she can deny it all she wants, people will just think she's making up a story. Besides, I think I'm going to have to try really hard to hide my performance issues at the concert, and people are going to notice."
Kota looked at me. "What performance issues?" I covered my smile with a hand, but said nothing.
"Yamada-san already sent me a message and asked me if I wanted to record a video for social media explaining what happened. I thought about it for a while, but I think I will." He had moved on to a different stretching exercise with just as many grunts of pain following. "There's no hiding this. A concert, and rehearsals beginning for a nationwide tour."
"I'll record the video with you, Aki." I said. It was the only thing I could say, and while it didn't make much difference to the problem that was present, I felt that the least I could do was make sure Aki knew I would support whatever decision he made.
Kota helped us record the video, sitting us on the couch while the light in the room was naturally flattering. I helped Aki wash and dry his hair without getting his face wet, and changed him into a button down flannel that he left half unbuttoned at the top. The bruising of his broken ribs had crept all the way up to his collarbone as the swelling had begun to lessen, and more and more colour was visible. Our home looked so peaceful, clean, washed in the afternoon sunlight.
Sitting side by side, Aki reached around me to pull me closer until our hips and thighs touched. He took my hand in his and rested them neatly together. "Ready?" He asked me. I nodded. "How do I look?"
I laughed and placed my hand gently on the side of his face in a show of love. "Terrible." I said through a smile. "Really terrible."
"I really love you." He smiled at my gesture.
"Guys, I'm recording." Kota said from his position holding Aki's phone.
Aki's face turned serious quickly. "Hello. This is Aki of Guardian, and my girlfriend Sugimori Natsuko. Sunday night near midnight, the two of us were returning home from a weekend trip, and we were attacked. Our attackers were apprehended and charged. Natsuko was harassed, but thankfully not badly injured. I suffered a stab wound, three broken ribs, and a broken nose. Guardian is planning a spring outdoor concert under the cherry blossoms in a few weeks time and I am working hard to recover quickly and perform well. Please look forward to attending the show. Thank you for your continued support."
We bowed to the camera, and Aki got up from the couch to see the video playback. Him and Kota nodded to each other, and I heard Aki say, "Send it to Yamada-san to publish just like that. Leave it in."
The rest of the week passed by effortlessly, it seemed. Aki spent a lot of time doing the exercises he was supposed to do to relive the pain in his ribs and help him recover. Friday afternoon we took the train together to the hospital to see his doctor and follow up with his healing. They told him to return again on Monday to have the cast on his nose removed, but washed his face for him and cleared him to return to work. I saw for the first time how strong Aki was. I noticed the subtleties in his face that expressed how much pain he was in, how much it hurt him to even take a deep breath. Outwardly, he didn't show it.
On the train home from the hospital, Aki sat leaning forward and clutching his ribs. He had reached his limit for the day and I knew he was trying hard to make it the rest of the travel. I rubbed my hand gently across the top of his back methodically, trying to offer some comfort, even if it was just the physicality of my presence with him. I focused on breathing intentionally, as if I could help him breathe in some way, and I tried to keep my mind at peace to give him some relief.
He shyly reached for my thigh and squeezed it. "Thank you, Natsu." He said. I could barely hear him. "You're keeping me going right now."
"I feel like this is all really one sided. Aki, you've done so much for me. You think of everything. I have barely anything to offer you in return."
He straightened to look at me for a moment, then held my face to kiss me despite being in public. I had gotten used to how forward he was with his feelings, and he didn't care in the least who saw him express them. "You've given me everything I need." He said. "Everything I do for you, Natsu, is for me as well. It gives me so much happiness to see you happy."
I helped him sit propped up with pillows on the couch at home, and he finally took a deep breath. "How are you going to go back to the studio and sing on Monday when you can barely breathe?"
"The pain is getting better. I can be up longer without being completely uncomfortable." He smiled as if he had everything under control, but his eyes were tired and heavy looking.
"I'll make some tea." I said, turning to enter the kitchen. I flicked the switch on the kettle and filled the tea pot, and opened the fridge to see if there was anything left over from Fuji. I leaned around the corner. "What do you want for dinner? There's still a few meals from Fuij." But Aki was asleep where I had put him on the couch.
I had been ignoring my phone over the few days that I had been absent from school. Mostly, I thought no one cared. I thought they would be thankful that I wasn't around, maybe even speculating that I had dropped out. I knew the Guardian fans would have seen the video message and be informed about what happened. Ayane had sent me a few messages, and I finally decided to reply to her, knowing that I would need some way of gathering the school work that I missed so I could catch up.
I was waiting for Ayane to arrive while Aki was still asleep, standing outside the apartment complex at the entrance to the parking lot. While I waited, I opened the Guardian social media page on my phone and watched the video. At the beginning, Aki had asked me how he looked, and told me he loved me, right there, for everyone to see. I realized that when I had heard him tell Kota to 'leave it in', he was talking about that.
"Natsuko!" I heard my name called and looked up from my phone to see Ayane walking up the hill laboriously. She waved over her head. "This is where you live? My place is the size of a shoe box. I guess it pays off living with a rockstar."
I laughed, trying to make light of her observation. "It's not that glamorous."
"That video was filmed in your living room, right?" I nodded to confirm her suspicion. "That's a really nice living room."
"I'd invite you in to show you the place, but Aki is asleep on the couch. We were just at the hospital this afternoon for his follow up appointment."
Ayane nodded in understanding, and offered me a pile of notebooks she had tucked under her arm. Her eyes were still on the building, admiring it. "How is he? How are you? Are you coming back to school?"
"I'll be back on Monday. Aki is going back to work on Monday as well. We're doing well."
"I'm glad you're both okay. I won't keep you then." She turned to head back down the street as I thanked her for bringing the school work. She waved over her shoulder without turning around. "You're really lucky, Natsuko. Don't forget that!"
I stood looking at the street a moment after Ayane's form had disappeared. It was late afternoon, but the sun was at its peak and shining brightly overhead. The weather was warming. As I looked at the street though, in my mind I could see flashes. Fighting to get to Aki to help him. A man's rough hands on me. Struggling to breathe. I felt my skin crawl as I tried to block it out. I remembered exactly how it felt, and I remembered how the street had felt beneath me, the stars that exploded in front of my eyes as I fought to stay conscious. I suddenly felt dirty, and I had the urge to run into the apartment and take a shower. I wanted to just be able to wash it all off of me.