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(Eddie)
Ellie is shaking me violently. "What?" I ask, half-asleep. "You have to get up," she whispers to me. I squeeze my eyes shut. Ellie pries my eyes open, "wake up!" I sit up. I was surprised my room was clean. I guess I forgot that I'd cleaned it. "I'm shocked you finished," she giggles as she throws my clothes at me. "Yeah yeah," I furrow my brows as I take off my shirt. Ellie's eyes are glued to me. I don't pay attention. "You need something sweetheart?" I ask attempting to hide my smirk. "I-uh...no." "You're cute when you lie," I look up at her. If we weren't about to leave I would... "I'm going to take our luggage to the car," she breaks the silence. I smile. I finish packing my carry on bag as I hear a car honking outside. Ellie is in the house now. We both look at each other confused.
"Get the fuck outside!" I hear a voice shout. I open the door as Ellie trails behind me. Everyone was there. The whole gang. Ellie runs to hug Robin and Steve. I hug Dustin. "We had to see you before you left," Nancy says while she hugs Ellie. "Have fun," Max smiles from the other side of the car. "And be safe," Steve points his index and middle fingers at his eyes and then to us. Ellie rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah," she shuts the van door. I laugh to myself while staring at the ground. It's hilarious how she just avoids those topics. I step up to his car and put my hand on Steve's shoulder. "We will," I shoot Ellie a wink, and she nearly drops to her knees. Ha! "We can drive you to the airport if you want," Steve says with a smile. Save on gas? Hell yeah. "Sure," I say grabbing our suitcases from my van. Lucas hops out of the car, "I will stay here with Max." Steve nods and Robin gets out of the passenger seat. She motions me to sit there. I throw our suitcases in the trunk. I sit in the passenger seat. Ellie stands there uncomfortably, as if she didn't know where to go. "Come here," I outstretch my hand. She takes it and I pull her in my lap. She's cold. I wrap my arms around her waist. Ellie buckles the seatbelt over us. I kiss the back of her neck. She rests her hands on my arms. "What do you plan on doing?" Robin asks. "Well," Ellie starts, "I told him if he cleaned his room he could choose what we do." "Did he do it?" Dustin asks. "Surprisingly, yes." "Surprisingly?!?" I shout. "Eddie," Nancy tried to 'soothe' me, "we all know how it looked last year." What do I have to do for them to not bring that up? Ellie rubs my arms. "It's okay," she whispers. How does she know? I try to calm myself. "So Dio..." Mike asks, "who exactly is he?" I spin around to face him, making Ellie jump. "Who is he!?" Mike's eyes widened. "He's like one of my idols!" I'm geeking out. I shut my mouth and look out my window. I'm so weird.
It was still completely dark outside, which meant it was probably around 5. The boys are talking in the back and me and Ellie are talking to each other. Not anything specific, just chitchat I guess. We finally pull up to the front gate. "It's so hot in here," Dustin whines. "We're almost there," Steve shouts back. Steve pulls into the drop off lane, and I open the door. Ellie slides from off of me. She smiles and outstretches her hand. I take it and stand up. Steve is holding our luggage. Robin and Dustin are standing out of the car. I hug him one last time. Ellie hugs Robin, and before they release they do this cute thing where they kiss each other's cheeks. Robin is flustered easily. "I love you, man," I say, holding his shoulder. "I love you, too."
I suddenly have the worst feeling of deja vu I have ever had in my entire life. "It's been a while since I said that," Dustin says, and I assume he felt it too, "but last time I said it, I was crying." I remember. The night I died. I hug him one more time. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
"Eddie," Ellie touches my arm, "we have to go." I break the hug. "Bye," everyone says as I grab my carry-on in one hand and my suitcase in the other. It shouldn't hurt. Why does it hurt? Ellie is super excited to leave, but I keep looking back. "Eddie..." she says slowing down, "are you...okay?" I don't say anything for a long time. "Yeah, I just had a little flashback." She looks at me worried. "Of?" I continue walking to the check in line before continuing. "The night I died." I got some weird stares. "Really?" she asks, trying to divert my attention to her instead of the other people. "Right before I passed out, I told him I loved him... and he said I love you too, man." I started to tear up, and Ellie pulled my head into her chest. I was taller than her, so I had to lean down quite a bit.
We waited in the stupid check in lane for 25 minutes. I pulled Ellie to security. Why are airports so complicated? We eventually sit down at our gate. I try to lighten up. This is my trip. I'm not going to let some stupid trauma affect it.
"I brought some cards," Ellie says grabbing her bag. I smile. Her hair is frizzy, but pulled up. Her eyes are sparkling. How can a person be so perfect? I question myself a lot. I don't deserve her. She's a mess of gorgeous chaos, and you can see it in her eyes. I think I read that quote from somewhere, but it fits her perfectly. I like noticing details that no one else sees. Like the freckles on her body. Or the way the moonlight hits her skin. Or the way she coughs after every time she has a cigarette. Or when she tries to take care of her fingernails, but fails majority of the time. God, she's so pretty. Ellie finishes splitting the deck. We begin playing the longest game of war the world has ever seen. "I'm getting hungry," I say touching my stomach, "want to get some breakfast?" Please say yes. Please say yes. "Are you sure you're not just avoiding losing?" she raises her eyebrows. I rolled my eyes, "I swear," I hold out my pinky, "pinky promise." She interlocks her pinky with mine before standing up. She's so cute.
We sit down at a restaurant in the airport and order waffles. I physically can't keep my eyes off Ellie. She looks to me for a second. Our eyes hold a conversation. I didn't dare to stop it. Her eyes flickered. I could sit like this for hours. Her expressions softened. "What?" she asks me. What what? What are you looking at? What do you want? What is today? What means so much and so little. "Hm?" is all I say. Ellie has a smile on her face that she doesn't quite know what to do with. "Why do you look at me like that?" she asks me. There is no true answer. "Like what?" Because you are beautiful. Ellie rolls her eyes, "you know how." I roll my eyes to mimic her, "you know the answer." I hold in my laugh. I really want to kiss her. I need to kiss her. "Really," she says giving me the most serious eye she can. I can not take her seriously. "Really," I mimic her, putting my elbow on the table, using my hand to prop up my chin. She is getting mad, and I can't help but laugh. "Eddie," she gives me a glare. I almost forget my name. Coming out of her mouth, it sounds like god speaking. Shoot, how would I know? My soul is being sucked into her eyes. "I can't look away," is all I can say. It's the truth. She doesn't know how to respond. "I literally can't look away." The waffles come. I beg Ellie eats them. She stares at them as I stare at her. I forget how intimidating my stare can be. Ellie looks up. Oops. I look down at my food. I don't want to make her feel nervous. She takes a bite. Yes. Thank you. She looks disappointed. "Good job," I grab one of her hands. What do I say? It's not enough. It's never enough. Her expression lightens a little bit. Maybe I am enough. Maybe I can save her. "Are you okay, Eddie?" she asks. I nearly choked. She's the one who won't eat and hurts herself. "Yes," I wish I said more. Ellie almost looks offended. I stab my food. I try to eat slowly, like Ellie, but it's hard. I just want to help. When we finish eating, the sun has rose.
"Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are." I write in my red journal. I normally doodle in it in class, but lately I write about Ellie. I have no way of describing how I feel. "I crave a love that drowns oceans- K. Azizian" I scribble it down. My head is filled with random memories and DnD scripts, but never quotes. This one stuck with me. If someone told me that I would be falling uncontrollably in love with a woman, a year ago, I would have laughed. But right now...this is peace. Ellie's head laying in my lap as she reads a magazine. For a moment, I doubt that I'm even dating her. "Eds?" Ellie asks. I'm incredibly deep in thought. She sits up. "Eddie," she snatches my notebook. I finally look up. I try not to look upset that she took my notebook, but try to take it back. She raises her eyebrows. "I see," she looks down at what I was writing. "What do you want, Ellie?" I ask, attempting to grab the notebook. Ellie looks up slowly, "is this about me?" I don't know whether to be embarrassed or proud. "Yes?" She smiles and begins to flip through the pages. "Ellie..." I say. She's curious. She stops at one page. I tower over her to see it. "You drew me?" she asks. It was a really pretty picture of her. I drew it in Kaminsky's class. "Yeah," I scratch the back of my neck. "Jeez!" she shouts, "Eddie, your amazing. It looks exactly like me!" I show a slight smile, unaware of what to say.
"Flight 632 will begin boarding." That's our flight. I start packing my things back into my bag. "Do you have the tickets?" She holds them up. When our section is called we start to board the plane. We hold hands while we skip into the plane. Wow. I take a deep breath. Ellie sits in the window seat. I crawl in next to her. A lady sat down, but after pretty much everyone was seated, scooted over a row to sit with a man I presume is her husband. Ellie grabs my hand as immediate relief flows through my body at an alarming rate. "I can't believe it," is all I could say. My mind was blank. She gives me a puzzled look. "Believe what?" I honestly didn't know. I don't believe anything. "That we are going to be alone for almost a week," I lie. It's the truth, but not all of it. She smiles, but there is nervousness in her eyes. I would have missed it if it wasn't for her sigh. "You haven't been having any nightmares have you?" She will lie. "No," Ellie says, and the look in her eyes immediately expose her. I don't know what she needs. A hug? Or a conversation? I decide on both. I pull up the armrest that fails to do it's job of dividing us. I lean into hug her and she instantly shatters. I muffle her soft, yet agonizing, cries. Ellie is like a broken mirror, the second it's broken, it's past repairs. It still works though, it's just a smaller fragment. I struggle to put the pieces back together. "It's okay Ellie," I brush my fingers through her hair. Ellie doesn't pull away from my chest. If only she knew how hard she hurts me. Her broken pieces are cutting me. I. Am. Determined. I can fix her. "I'm okay," she swallows her pain. I don't want her to. "No you're not," I say, trying not to shout. I don't, thank goodness. "I need to be," Ellie says. I don't know if I should be happy or sad. She knows it hurts me, but she can't hide it either. "What are they about?" I press into this conversation. "What you'd expect," Ellie finally pulls her face out of my chest. Her eyes are red-rimmed. But not filled with as much pain as I know that is hiding. "My parents, Jason, and you." My jaw drops. "You have nightmares about me?" She laughs, and it soothes me. "Not nightmares, just dreams." Oh? This changes things. A smirk grows on my face. "Tell me more," I say, she turns to the window. "Just..." a drastic pause, I almost see a smile creep on her face, "dreams." I grab her hand. "Please!" I squeal. Ellie loves it when I beg. She finally turns towards me, our faces inches apart. Kiss me. Do it. "I'll leave that to your imagination." Really... "That's not fair!" I whine, "If we are going to be together, you legally have to tell me what you fantasize about me doing because I have to make your dreams come true...sorry, that's the law." Ellie hides a smile. She zips her lips shut. "Fine," I face away from her, "I guess we can't be together."
It seems like an hour before the plane takes off. Ellie falls asleep almost instantly. I pull her into my lap. I grab my blanket and use it as a pillow for me. Ellie groans softly as she gets comfortable. I rub her back softly to comfort her. I love her so much.
. . . . . . .
When I wake up, Ellie is staring out the window with a hoodie over her head. She has her sleeves over her hands and was huddled as close as she could to the window. Her knees are pulled to her chest. I rest my hand on her knee. She looks at me, but doesn't say anything. "How long until we land?" I ask, hoping to get something out of her. "I would guess 3 and a half hours," Ellie says, looking back out the window. I take my hand off her knee and don't disturb her further. "Jason got me when I was on my way home." I look at her, confused as why she is telling me this. "I didn't even call to him..." a deep sigh, "he was drunk, you could smell it. He almost ran me over with his car. He hit my bike, and that's when he beat me up. Then the threw me in his car." A sharp intake of breath. "That was when he raped me." Ellie finally looks to me. There is nothing to say. "I-" I look down. "He didn't stop. He wouldn't- I tried," a long pause, "He only stopped when I passed out." All I can do is hug her. Ellie does not cry. She does not make a sound. I can only hear her breathing. Ellie is wrapped in my arms and she does not speak.
We spend the next hour like this. Ellie doesn't dare to move, and at one point, I thought she fell asleep. "Ellie," I break the silence. "Don't move," her voice breaks, and I pity her instantly, "I want to stay like this." I almost forget we are in an airplane. All I feel, see, smell and think is Ellie. That's all I care about. I will do literally anything for this woman. Except die. Only because I know it would physically hurt her more, and she would commit suicide. I know deep in her heart, she wants to die first. Not just because the world fucking sucks, but because the thought of sleeping alone, knowing at one time she used to sleep next to me. One day my scent will fade away and all that will be left are pictures. My touch will become unrecognizable. She may move on, but if she does it won't last long because she will miss me. She will most likely take loads of drugs until she overdoses. Max and Robin and everyone else will try to help her, but she will already be lost. I can not leave.
"Why are you crying?" Ellie asks. I have been crying for at least ten minutes. I wipe my tears. "Eddie," she finally moves, pulling hands away from my face, "come on, talk to me." I don't want to talk. "Nothing," which I instantly regret because it's a stupid thing to say. "Eds," Ellie pulls me closer. I can't control my breathing. "Why are you crying, Eddie?" "You." I say. Ellie shifts back confused. "Me?" "I was thinking about what would happen if you died," I finally say. She's silent for a moment too long, "why?" "I don't know," I say softly, "I was just thinking." She pulls my head onto her lap. "Sleep, pretty boy," she strokes my hair. The butterflies. "I'm going to need you to call me that more often." She giggles to herself, "okay."
. . . . . . .
I wake up and Ellie is passed out against the window. I shut the window and put the blanket behind her head. I call the flight attendant to ask her how far away we are from landing. "About 20 minutes, sir." she responds. I smile, "thank you." I take my red notebook back out. I flip to a blank page.
"Late night drives help me clear my head when things don't feel real or when I'm upset or stressed. But, they are so much better when Ellie's there. Because when she's there, I don't drive over the edge. She keeps me centered. She saves me from myself and from life. I love late night drives with her." I write. My handwriting is sloppy and Ellie laughs at it a lot. Ellie is shifting around.
"How did you sleep?" I ask her, not looking up yet. "Good, had a few dreams about you," she stretched. "Oh?" I look up. "I can't tell you what we did," Ellie had a smirk on her face. Oh my god. This woman. "I think you should," I lean closer to her. "Or?" I raise my eyebrows. "I didn't know you chose death today," I say. "I did," she purses her lips. I roll my eyes. She grabs my red notebook and starts snooping at the new page. I watch her eyes glide from left to right left to right left to- "Wow," she says looking up. I get nervous. "This is crazy good, you're so poetic." She seems amazed. I didn't even try. "Oh," is all I can say. "Please fasten your seatbelts, we will be landing soon," Ellie looks at me. "I'm fine," I say before she even asks. "Okay, okay," she laughs, "just checking!" "You need to tell me about your dream," I eyed her. She rolls her eyes. I put my hand on her thigh, only because I know it makes her nervous. I scoot it higher, just for the hell of it. Ellie's fingers trace my arm, down my wrist, to my fingers. She rubs them as she pulls my hand slightly higher. Oh? I see how it is. I rub my thumb on the inside of her thigh. A deep breath. She bites her lip. All I do is smirk. Turbulence. I relax as she tenses up. "Ellie, we are in an airplane," I laugh. Ellie glares at me. Ellie held my hand as we landed because she knew it was only my third time flying in an airplane. A smile grew on my face. We are here. I pick up my bag and me and Ellie walk to grab our suitcases. It took 30 minutes for ours to come around. This stupid airport is slow.
Once we arrive at our hotel, I instantly fall on the bed. I'm exhausted. Ellie starts unpacking her things. Oh, yeah. "What the fuck?" she says, holding up some of her clothes. All I do is laugh. "Why are most of my clothes fucking lingerie!" Ellie holds back, wanting to laugh. I am collapsed, nearly crying. "She actually did it!" I spat. "You were in on this?" she tried to look angry, it wasn't working. "Hey, don't get mad at me," I hang off the edge of the bed, my head hanging upside down, "it was Max's idea." A good one. Ellie continued unpacking. I got up quietly and snuck behind her. I slide my arms around her waist, but once my hands reach each other, I let them hang. Ellie was startled at first. She drooped her head back until it hit my shoulder. She looked at me. "Hey," I say in a very raspy voice just above a whisper, my voice almost scared me. "Hey," Ellie echos. I slip my index finger in the loophole of her jeans. She leans back a bit, pushing her body against me. I bite my lip. Ellie lifts her head back up, and I lean into her neck. I leave a trail of marks on her neck. I play with the waistband of her jeans . Ellie knows what I'm doing. "Eddie," she says under her breath. A light, begging whisper. I pull away from her neck, "I could stay here all night." Ellie breathes heavily, "we should go out to a fancy dinner." "Do we have to?" I whine, pulling her flat against my body. "Mmm," Is all she can say. I push my hands below her stomach to push her closer. She's never close enough. I spin her around, putting my hands in the small of her back. Ellie puts her hands under my shirt. Fuck it. I pick her up, her legs wrap tightly around my waist. Our lips couldn't connect fast enough. I quickly change course, jumping on the bed. Ellie's hands on my waist as I lay on top of her. She always smells really good. My hair is covering the sunlight from her face. "Ach du lieber Gott im Himmel," Ellie says, pulling back just a centimeter. "You are so hot when you speak other languages," I say softly in her ear. "That's one of the only things I know in German," she says, pulling me back to her lips.
After an hour, or maybe two, Ellie gets up. I put my hands behind my head as I rest my head on the pillow, "leaving already?" "What do you mean already?" she laughs, "we've been making out for two hours." Addiction of a person is more dangerous than addiction of a drug. Ellie walks into the bathroom. A closet on the wall has a mirror door that faces the bathroom. She doesn't shut the door, so I can see her. Ellie looks at herself in the bathroom mirror, touches her neck as she examines her hickeys. I sit up, smiling to myself. I stand outside the doorway, leaning on it. Ellie doesn't notice me, and I just stare at her. "I'm so ugly," she whispers underneath her breath. "Absolutely not," I say as Ellie spins around. "Sure," she says, turning back to the mirror. "Shut the fuck up!" I shout, walking into the bathroom. Ellie giggles. "You think this is a fucking game?" I look at her in the mirror. "S-shut up," she can't stop laughing, "stop it." I press up against her, "stop fucking saying that shit." "Tell me I'm beautiful," she turns to face me. I push her against the counter as she grips on the edge of it. I grab her legs and prop her on the counter. Ellie wraps her legs around me. "God," the words flew out of my mouth, "you're fucking gorgeous." Ellie just smiled. I use my pointer finger to lift her chin. "Promise me you will never say that again-" I swallow hard. "I promise." she cuts me off. "You didn't let me finish, even to yourself." She takes a deep breath, "why?" "Cause it's not true," I pull her face closer to me, "by a long shot." Ellie holds back. My hand slides down her neck. "I promise," she says looking up at me. I lean closer until our lips barely meet. "See," my lips brush against hers as I speak, "that wasn't that hard was it?" "Oh my god, just kiss me already!" she sighs, pulling my shirt towards me. This woman is literally begging for me. I pull her body closer to me until there is literally no space between us. Our lips crash together and they are inseparable. Her hands brush on my chest and down my arm. In nearly lose it. My hands are wrapped tightly around her hips as my thumbs play with the bottom of her shirt. The kiss deepens. Her hands rise back up to my shoulders. I pull away, only for a second. "I need you," I breathlessly whine, "I need you." Ellie catches her breath, "come get me." I pull her off the counter, and lay back on the bed, letting her on top this time. I sit against the headboard and pull her on my lap. Ellie continues the kiss as I pull her closer, my hands still gripping at her hips. A wonderful idea passes through my mind. I move her hips around, no particular rhythm, just any way I feel like it. Ellie's breathing quickens as her light moans are swallowed into the kiss. She rests her hands on my shoulders.
"It's almost 6," Ellie pulls away slowly, "we have to go get dinner." I sigh loudly, "do we have to?" I pull her waist slower. "I mean...I don't have to eat, I thought that's what you wanted." She didn't look me in the eyes. "Fine," I sigh, "I take it back." "Ugh," Ellie whines, "I need to cover these hickeys." "No!" I whine, "don't!" Ellie rolls her eyes, "I have to." "Here," I say lifting my head slightly, "give me some so we're even." Ellie rolls her eyes, "you are one witty man, Eddie Munson." She leans down anyways.
"See," I say rubbing my neck, standing in front of the mirror with Ellie, "now we're matching." Ellie just laughs as she rummages through her clothes. She looked up at me for a split second. Eyes. "Those damn eyes fucked me over," I whisper softly. Ellie blinked a couple times. I grab her face and kiss her softly. "Hmm," she says pulling out some cute dresses, "which one?" She holds up two options. On the right, a revealing red dress, and on the left, a shiny green dress. I'm going to save the red dress. "Hmm," I point to the left, "that one." Ellie raised her eyebrows, "okay." I walk over to my suitcase and grabbed the dressiest clothes I had, which was none. Ellie was already changing. She was just in a bra and shorts. I bite my lip as I take off my shirt. Ellie shimmies the green dress up her body as I slide on my pants. "Could you zip me up?" she asks, backing up closer to me. "Sure," I say grabbing the zipper. Ellie then walked into the bathroom to do her hair and makeup. I put some water on my hair to control the frizziness.
I'm laying on the bed, waiting for her to be done. Ellie walks out, and somehow she looks three times as beautiful. She just stares blankly at me staring at her. "Is it weird?" she asks, unsure at my response. "Oh my god," I say under my breath, I suddenly have no words, "you're fucking stunning." I have the sudden urge to touch her, to wrap my arms around her waist. And so much more. But I don't. I slide on my shoes and open the door. Ellie walks out, but waits for me. I slide the punchcard into my pocket. (Basically a key card but in the 80's if you didn't know.) We run outside and wait until we caught a taxi. "Where are we going?" she asks, sliding in next to me. "No clue," I look up to the driver, "take us to a random fancy restaurant!" He nods, as if he knew exactly where to go. My hands rest on Ellie's thigh, and her hand is rubbing my hand. I play with the bottom of her dress. I push her dress back an inch at a time. Ellie is trying her hardest not to concentrate on me. My hand dips into the back of her upper thigh, traveling between them. I catch her biting her lip. Her breathing slows as she tries to calm herself, and I don't blame her, I'm getting excited as well. I squeeze her thigh, really hard. Ellie gasped, definitely not expecting it. When I let go, I observe her thigh. "Woah, that one looks cool!" I say softly so only she could hear. My rings leave an indent on her skin as her thigh is red in the shape of my hand. That's gonna leave a bruise. The car slows. "Eddie," she whines, rubbing her thigh. I steal a quick kiss before opening the car door. "It's a secret restaurant," the driver says, which was definitely suspicious, "tell the people at those doors," he points to the guards, "that Horace sent you." I hold out my hand to Ellie. She steps out and I tip the driver. "Hey!" one of the guards shout, "this is restricted." I am face to face with him, "Horace sent us." He opens the 8-foot-tall door, "very well then." We walk down a skinny corridor until we get to a small door. Ellie squeezing my hand, "are you sure, Eddie?" I turn around to face her, "if you want to turn around, we can." I push the hair out of her face with my free hand. "It's okay," she says. I twist the handle of the door. Not going to lie, I'm terrified. This could be when we just abruptly get murdered. I pull open when my eyes suddenly grow wide. I slowly walk out the door as Ellie follows me. "Oh my... god," she took it all in. The floor was covered in a deep red carpet. A massive chandelier hung in the center of the room. If I didn't live in a trailer for most of my life, I probably wouldn't have been this shocked. There was a guy at the back of the room, dressed like one of those butlers from a royal movie.
"A table for two?" he ask in a booming voice that echoed throughout the room. "Yes," I answer. I am so glad we are dressed up, because we would have been thrown out in a heartbeat. There were a few pieces of artwork on the walls that look like they could be sold for millions. "One moment," the butler-guy said. "He wasn't kidding," Ellie whispered to me before wandering the large room. We hadn't even entered the dining area yet, this was just the waiting room. "Follow me," he says, as he quickly walks away. I lead Ellie, my hand on the small of her back. I know she has butterflies. The area is dim, dark orange lights. "Would you like to be in the private table?" he asks. It was quite random that he offered it to us out of all people. "Sure," I say after looking to Ellie for approval. The butler-man lead us to an elevator. It looked like it was plated with gold, and I was very tempted to touch it. I didn't. "Sir?" I ask, stepping in to the elevator, "why do you offer us the private table?" It wasn't my place to ask. "Well," he clears his throat, "Horace sent you. I suppose he's a kind man for that. He owns this restaurant." We go up about 5 floors. The butler-man gestures to a set of doors. Ellie pushes them open. We are outside. Not really. We are on the roof top of the building, the top is shielded with greenhouse-like windows. There was clean-cut grass and beautiful arrangements of flowers everywhere there weren't tables. The look on Ellie's face in impeccable. I wish I could take a picture in my brain, and remember this moment forever. There were a few empty tables, all set up for guests, but we were the only ones up here. "Thank you..." I spin back to him. "Larry," he says. "Larry," I repeat.
Ellie and I sit down. The sun was setting, spreading an arrays of dark orange and purple and red all across the sky. You could faintly see stars, but we were in a bright city. There weren't many lights at the top of the building, just a few lanterns and hidden light fixtures in the flowers. It was truly magical. "I don't even know what to say," Ellie stares into my eyes. I almost drown in her eyes. I grab her hand, "you look stunning tonight." She smiles, "you look nice, too. I was honestly shocked." I let out a small chuckle. A waiter came out, "Hello, my name is Mark, I will be your waiter tonight. Could I start you off with something to drink?" I nod, telling him our drink order. "Alright," he scribbles on his pad of paper, "and would you like to start with amuse-bouche?" I pause, "sure." I have no idea what that is. Mark smiles and walks into the unknown. "It's a complimentary item from the chef," Ellie says, studying my confused expression. I nod as I laugh. "I knew that," I lie. "Lying does you no good," she smirked. "I'm not lying," I smirk back. Ellie hits my shoulder. "What?" I snark back. "You're so annoying sometimes," she rolls her eyes. "Really?" I say holding my chin in my hands with my elbows propped on the table, "cause it really looks like you want to kiss me." "Yeah," she says crossing her arms. "Yeah to what?" I smile widely, "so you do want to kiss me." "No, I mean- Eddie," I laugh at her attempt to stand up for herself, "maybe they're both true." My eyes widen. "You could have just told me so," my fingers now lingering at the tip of her chin. Ellie practically grabbed my face without warning. "You hate me with a passion," I pull away. "You sure?" she asks. I cross my arms, "pretty sure." She huffs, "what if I don't?" "You wouldn't call me annoying, or a freak," her eyes widen. "How would I prove it to you?" Ellie asks picking at her nails. "Hmm," I tap my chin. Mark comes back with a lady, one carrying the drinks, the other with a small portion of food. "Thank you," I say before taking a sip. I feel so fancy at this restaurant. We gave him our order and he quickly walked away.
I stared at Ellie, unknowingly, believe it or not. "I have a question," I say, and her head perks up, "why do you constantly change yourself?" Her head looks as if it's spinning. "Well, for you." I'm confused, "for me? Why?" Ellie looks around for a moment, like she's gathering her thoughts as if they fell on the floor. "I- don't know," she looks as if she didn't understand herself either, "I want to be your idea of perfect." I lean back, "perfect?" A long pause. Ellie doesn't say anything. "You are my idea of perfect, and nothing will ever change that." A deep breath. I don't understand her at all. I will never truly know her. "How?" Ellie didn't look at me. She bit her nails. "Ellie," I say, attempting to focus her attention. "Hm?" she asks, focused on the floor. "Ellie, look at me," she looks up slightly, but doesn't look at me. "Ellie!" I try not to shout. I grab her chin and she finally focuses on me. "You are perfect," I say. "I'm not perfect, Eddie, I accept that." Ellie looks up, she knows that it will stop her from crying. "You deserve better than me," she adds. "You are enough, a thousand times enough!" I want to cry, "if anyone deserves better it's you!" A quick pause, "I feel like I need to work to deserve better." My breathing shallows. "You don't," I say confidently, "you dont need to work to be treated like a human being." A lightbulb flickered in her head. Her mouth took the shape of an O. I let go of her chin, unaware of my increasingly tight grip.
She didn't speak for a very long time. And neither did I. I gave her time to think. I hope this changed something. Anything. Ellie rubs her neck. The waiters come with our food. "Thank you," I say. "Your welcome," Mark says cheery, "is there anything else I can get got you?" I nod my head no, and pick up my fork. Ellie just stares at it. I wait until Mark leaves to speak. "Eat for me, Ellie," I say, but don't make eye contact because I know it makes her uncomfortable. "I can't Eddie," she says, almost as if she was scared of me. "Physically or mentally?" I ask. Ellie paused for a moment. "I don't know," is all she could say. "Tell me, Ellie," I say setting down my fork. Our eyes meet, and hers have a lot to say. "What goes through your head when you eat?" Ellie's eyes widen, and she looks down. Her brows furrow, which tells me shes thinking. She clears her throat.
"I don't deserve to eat this. This is going to make my stomach hurt. You're so stupid. I hate you. People are watching you. Your father wants you to starve." It physically hurts her to say more. And I'm glad she didn't. I might've cried. I looked at her. I did it the way she silently begged to be looked at. Like the world was ending. Like standing patiently in impending doom. And I won't ever blink.
"It's different when you're here." I remember how to breathe suddenly. "Most of the bad thoughts run away," she sounds like a child, but I understand clearly. "Eddie please say something," Ellie fiddles with her fingers. "I…uh," is all that would come out of my stupid mouth. A loud sigh, "actually…don't say anything. I don't want to hear it." I put my face in my hands. "It was until a few months ago that I realized," she said, not looking any particular direction, "I can't use sleep as an escape anymore." I look up, signaling a 'why?'. "Because every time I do, I wake up to relive the same day…the same dream. Every morning, the same nightmare." Ellie closes her eyes for a long time. "And then…" her voice broke and I could tell she wanted to cry, "I dreamt of you dying." Her eyes squeezed together. "I can't handle that sort of pain." Her eyes, still closed, so gentle and soft. I would kiss them if I were close enough. "That was when I realized," she continued, "that it wasn't me that was tired…it was my soul." She finally opened her eyes, as the tears broke loose. "Maybe, if I just close my eyes and never wake up again," a pause, "would I not be tired anymore?"
"Ellie," I say. Truly, there is nothing I can say. "please, don't do this." Ellie doesn't say anything, she just cries there. "I'm losing you," I say, and it somehow caught her attention, "I can feel you drifting away. As if you were never there. I'm trying to hold on, but I don't have the strength." Our food is getting cold. A long pause of silence. "Can you please eat something, love?" I ask her. Ellie looks down at her food. She takes a deep breath before picking up her fork. A bite. "For you, Eddie." All I can do is smile, and take a bite.
Ellie has eaten about a quarter of her food, me a half. She pushes it away. "I'm done," she frowns as if she's disappointed. "Good job," I smile, "that was a massive portion anyways." Ellie releases a tiny smile. Mark comes back, "how is everything?" "Wonderful, could we get some boxes?" "No problem," Mark hustled away. When he came back with the boxes, Ellie helped me shovel the food into them. "Anything else?" Mark asks. "Nope," I dust off my lap. "Alrighty, I will bring the check." I don't want to look at the bill. I already know it's more than I could afford. Ellie puts some cash on the table. "For the waiter," she says, scooting the tip towards the center. It was surprisingly cheap. I didn't believe it.
It was very dark outside. The air was crisp, but smelled like weed and exhaust. It wasn't much of a shocker for me, but Ellie looked uncomfortable walking on the side of the street. "You okay?" I ask, tightly grabbing her hand. She nods, but not confidently. A fat- sorry- profusely large man, walked up to Ellie. "Hey girl," he said, my blood began to boil, "how about you stay at my place tonight?" He began laughing with all of his friends. "Fuck off," she flipped him off. He just laughed, "come on," he caught up to our increasingly fast speed walking, and brushed her arm. "Hey!" she slapped him, "get away from me!" "Or what?" he says goofily. "Fuck off!" I shouted, "she doesn't want anything to do with you!" I was fighting the urge to punch him. I pulled us both in a taxi before he had the chance to start one. "I'm sorry," I say, checking her to make sure she was okay. I tell the driver the address and held Ellie tight. "I love you," I whisper in her ear. I almost fell asleep on the ride there, Ellie did. I opened the car door and carried her bridal style to the room, fumbling with the door. I gently lay her on the bed, change her clothes into something more comfortable, and tuck her underneath the sheets. I change, and then crawl under the sheets next to her. I love today.
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This is the longest chapter yet- 7200 words if you were curious.