(The point is, i didn't write EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, i just gave you a basic rundown. so if things seem exaggerated; 1 they are 2 the night is designed to be longer.)
I am blanketed with warmth. My eyes are unbelievably heavy. I feel a hot breath on my skin. My brain finally understands the weight distribution on my body, it determines my stomach's extra heavy. My eyes manage to open, not even half way, but I can see. Eddie is snuggled up on my stomach. His hair is covering my body. My eyes gain the strength to open all the way. The sun is peering through the window, hitting Eddies back, creating a striking golden color. His back is completely bare, and I realize he is not wearing anything. Neither am I. The covers are resting on his lower back. I take the time to acknowledge his tattoos. Bats below his elbow, I assume he got them after fighting the demobats. He shifts. I admire his state. He looks so calm, untouchable. My mind is still sleeping. I haven't moved. His arms are wrapped slightly under my waist, locking me in his arms. I look at his face. Most of it is covered by his hair, but a sliver is peeking out. So peaceful. My body is finally awake enough to move. I push his hair out of his face. I am close enough to his head to kiss the top of it. Eddie shifts. He rolls over a little, very slowly, until he plops onto the other side of me. Eddie's half asleep. It's adorable. His fingers reach his eyes, rubbing them before blinking a million times. "Good morning love," he says, his voice so deep and raspy it almost shocks me. I smile, looking to him. He reaches out his arms, and I crawl into them. "How do you feel?" he smiles against my shoulder. "Tired, but kind of...alive. If that makes sense." I say slowly as if I was still processing my answer as I spoke. Eddie chuckles softly, "well, good." His fingers curl into my hair. There is a pause. "I'm sore," I touch my legs, feeling the spots it hurts the most. "I told you," he teased. I touch his neck, finally seeing the hickeys I left. I wonder what I look like. "We don't have to leave until one or two, but is there anything you want to do?" he asks. I think for a minute, "not really." I almost forgot we are leaving today. Around four o'clock is our flight home. I am so tired I don't know if I will have the energy to walk. I nuzzle my head into Eddie's shoulder. He only holds me tighter.
I fell asleep for several hours. Eventually, Eddie withdrew from the bed, leaving me alone. I flip over, trying to see where he went. I hear a noise. Then a loud gushing sound. The bath. I force my eyes to stay open. Eddie comes out, and I can't help but stare. He doesn't seem to mind. "Come on darling," he grabs the sheets to pull me closer. I immediately protest. "No!" I shout, "don't take me." I cover myself with the sheets. He gets a hold of my leg and jerks it towards him, my body slides that way. I push myself away but he's already carrying me. I pout. He sets me in the warm water while turning the water off. "Thank you," I manage to say after all of my efforts not to be taken in here. He smiles and leaves the room. I relax, for the first time in a very long time. I have nothing to worry about. Nothing to cry about. I feel stronger. I dip my head underwater. What if I tried to hold my breath? It's a challenge now. All of the memories of last night fade into view. His hands on my skin. The time in between kissing. It's being washed away. The feeling. But the memory? No! The memory is engraved on my skin. The amount of love I feel for this man is beyond words. Beyond feeling. Beyond desire. I forget how to move sometimes. The override of emotions causes a freeze in my brain that stops time. I savor up the moment. Try to remember as much as possible so I can revisit the memory later. That's what I'm doing right now.
I am underwater. Eddie's hands are pulling me up. "Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me. Don't go doing that shit all alone." I am gasping for air. "I'm sorry," I choked out. "Don't apologize," he pauses, "just- agh never mind." Eddie collapses on the closed toilet seat. His head collapses into his hands. He is quiet for a long time. I try to steady my breathing. "You scare me sometimes," he eventually says. I close my eyes. "I mean shit- I don't know what you're thinking, a-and I don't know what to do..." he squeezes the skin between his eyebrows, "shit I'm sorry," he stands up, "I don't want to throw all that on you." I try to reach for his hand. "Eddie please," I whisper. Eddie stares at my hand in his, thinks for a moment, then sits in front of me. "I am sorry," I begin, "I hate making you feel this way." "Ellie," Eddie says softly. "I mean it's my fault," I continue, "I continue to have reckless behavior and-" "Ellie please," he begs. I shut up. "Don't blame this on you," he bites the inside of his cheek, not really wanting to talk, "I just... don't want to lose you." I pause for a moment, "you aren't losing me, Eddie." "I don't want you to die," his voice begins to crack and it slowly breaks my heart, "I know that it's selfish of me to want that. But Ellie, you're all I have." He is shaking slightly. And in that moment, I do something I regret. Only because I know I will break his heart over and over again. "Eddie," I pause and he won't look at me, "you aren't losing me. I'm not going to die." Something deep down inside me tells me otherwise. But, until then, I need to fight. I want to live for this.
I don't know how- but Eddie managed to fall asleep next to the bathtub. I am studying my body. I am looking at my wrists. My scars are...well, gone -sort of- there is still faint lines, but I'm pretty sure they will never fade away. I feel proud, but I don't know why. I know I should feel pride, but why. Why do people feel pride for being clean? Maybe I'm not clean, because being clean of scars means being clean of mentality. I will always want to relapse if I am forced into being clean. I need to do it by myself. Build myself from the ground up, with guidance, not pushing.
I am realizing things more clearly more...I realize. It's a cycle. But it's really helping. I feel a little lighter, less guilt, and truly, truly loved. I grab Eddie's hand gently. "Eddie," I whisper. He doesn't flinch, or move, or anything. I shake his hand. He's dead-asleep. I push him. Nothing. I use my last resort, flooding some water from the bathtub onto him. Eddie rises in an instant. "Agh," he swats the water out of his face, "was that necessary?" he groans. "I tried waking you up!" I jumped into defense. "Excuses, excuses," he teases. He grabs a towel from the rack under the sink and dries himself. I unplug the drain as the worker slowly disappears. "I will grab some clothes," Eddie says leaving the bathroom. I twirl my hair around in a makeshift bun-let it go-then do it all again. My brain is running a marathon. My words are all jumbled up. My sentences are being read backwards and frontwards and backfrontwards. All I feel is his hands on my skin, the heat from our bodies. I am still melting.
Eddie comes back in, "I got you some of my boxers." I smile. "And- well since we will be seeing everyone this afternoon, I figure you might want to wear something that would cover that." I look down. Oh yeah. "My bad," Eddie giggled to himself. The bathtub is empty now. He hands me my clothes and I attempt to stand up. My muscles betray me. I'm straining myself. I grip the side of the bathtub harder. I managed to stand up, in a great deal of pain. "Holy crap," I gasped, trying to not fall over. "I'm sorry," he looked in my eyes, searching for something. "It was worth it," is all I say. He hides it, but I see him smirk.
After I slip on some clothes, Eddie carries me bridal style into the bedroom, and drops me on the bed. He walks away and begins packing. I watch him for a moment, soaking in my feelings. I pull a cigarette from the drawer and a lighter. I light the end before inhaling. I blow it out dramatically out of boredom. I try again, this time trying to breathe in my nose as it leaves my mouth. I failed. I tried again. It was not a fail, but it wasn't pretty. I try again and again until I get it right. And then, it happened. I opened my mouth, and the smoke went up. I laugh softly. "Hm?" Eddie turns around, and I realize he is almost done. I sit up, and do it again. He laughs, "good job."
I lay in the middle of the bed. I close my eyes and imagine everything that happened last night. The room is completely silent. I scrunch at the sheets. However, I feel Eddie climb on top of me. Too real. I open my eyes. "Why hello sweetheart," Eddie looks down at me. I pull his collar in to kiss him. I can't hold it in anymore. I let all my emotion disperse into him. God does it feel good. I pull away for a moment, "Eddie, I need something stronger." He gives me a reasonably confused look. "Drugs Eddie," I finish my sentence. He nods as he thinks. "Look Ellie I promised myself and Robin that I wouldn't let you get back into this pathway." "Eddie," my fingers break his waistband, "please, just this once." His body tenses. He instinctively grabs my hips. "Ellie," he groans. I start kissing his neck. "Don't do this," he scoots back. "What?" I tease. "Get me all riled up so you can have something. Especially drugs!" He has anger pouring out his eyes. "Pleaseeeeee, Eddie," I beg. "Fine," he finally agrees, "but you owe me." I wink.
I am finally high as fuck. We are in the back of the cab. I told myself not to talk, in case I do stupid shit. I lay my head on his lap. Eddie shifts a little. He plays with the fly hairs in my ponytail. I rub my eyes with the back of my hands. I am either smelling colors or sounds. There's no distinction. Or, maybe both. Yes, both. "Sweetheart?" Eddie whispered. "Hm?" It was difficult to stay focused on looking at him. I can't hear what he said. I'm focusing on how light my body feels. I reach up to touch his face. So soft? "You're my new pillow." I say. Eddie squirms, "get up." "I'm not moving, your lap is comfy." Eddie pushes me up, "we are here." I groan. I put on my best act to look like I am not about to tip over.
One major upside to drugs: pain=gone. Yay! My brain hurts. I walk over to the phone to call Max. "Hey Max," my voice sways like a very drunken person. "Ellie?" I heard her say. "We are, uh, at the airsort." "Airport?" She asks. "Yes! That." "Ellie are you-" "I loveee youu," I cut her off. I made kissy noises into the phone. Eddie takes it from my hands, "sorry, Max...yeah. We are getting on the plane soon." I bite the inside of my cheek. "She's fine," he looks at me, "I promise, Max. Talk to you when we land, okay?" Eddie hangs up. "I really have to stop saying yes to you." He smiles and kisses my forehead.
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Finals are this week and then... A MASSIVE BREAK FILLED WITH WAY TO MUCH WRITING AND WAY TOO LITTLE IDEAS. if you have ideas lmk. anyways i hope you liked it.