It's really fucking cold. Summer is coming up, and it's probably 20 degrees. I wrap my self in my blanket like a cocoon.
I look at my alarm clock. It's 5:30. I'm not getting up. I close my eyes.
I check my clock. It's 5:32. I'm not getting up. I close my eyes.
I check my clock. It's 5:33. Are you kidding me?! I sit up.
Maybe I will go for a run. It will pass the time. Now that I think of it, I haven't been on a run since-
Never mind.
I put on some warmer clothes. I slip on my converse and grab my walkie talkie and walkman. It's even colder out here.
I have already ran all over town a million times, nothing is new. I decide to run down to the Byers' old house. My muscles hurt so much. I dread this run more than anything. "Keep running," I tell myself over and over again. I don't know why, I just feel it is what I need to do. Everybody Wants To Rule The World is playing- one of my personal favorites. I take a break to breathe. I am here, I realize. I have only been to Will's house a couple times. It looks so...abandoned. I am too scared to get closer. I sit on the ground and just think.
I have probably been out for half an hour. I stand up, dusting myself off. I start to jog back. I turn my walkman off. I suddenly feel terrified. I don't want to go back. I might run into... someone. The last thing that I want is to get rap- hit by a car. I stop running. I am breathing so, so heavily. I can hear my heart pounding in my chest. My hands are shaking. I feel so dizzy. Someone please come save me. My chest hurts. I'm convinced that Jason is going to drive down to this little road in the middle of nowhere and destroy my life again. I am on my hands and knees fighting to breathe. My eyes are burning with tears streaming down my cheeks.
Then I hear a car. It's obnoxiously loud engine in a silent forest. My heart stops, I swear on my life. I push myself back, to hide from view. I cover my mouth and eyes. I open my fingers a little, just so I can see the car leave. It speeds by. Thank god. I start bursting into tears. I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life.
I need to get up, I tell myself. My mind has a tendency to not listen. I am screaming at myself in my brain. I feel like I am in a trance. I finally touch the walkie talkie. Either face your fears, or cower, I think. I take a deep breath.
And I run
like hell
home.
I slip through the window. I curl up in a ball and cry. It feels so good to cry. I grab the diary my therapist made me write in. I write everything. I finally decide to let go of what happened to me and Jason. I was raped. I can't be alone anymore because of him. I write and I write. I write about my panic attack this morning. I finally breathe. It tastes sweet, air.
I feel lighter. I step into the kitchen, open the pantry door. A million empty boxes and a few expired cans of fruit. "What the hell?" I mutter. I walk into Max's room. She had woken up a couple of minutes ago. "Tell your mom to go shopping, please," I tell her. Max looks at me funny, "my mom hasn't been here in a couple days." I am taken by surprise. "What do you mean?" "I haven't seen her, I mean, I'm sure she's fine." She bites her lip. "That's crazy! Where do you think she is?" I gasp. "I don't know," she frowns. I grab my walkie talkie as I head back to my room. "Eddie," I say into it. Silence... and then "Yes?" He must have just woken up. His voice is soft and raspy. "Is your uncle home?" Eddie pauses for a moment, "yes." "Do you have food?" I continue to question him. "Do you want my uncle to make you something?" he asks, understanding. "We don't have any food because Max's mom disappeared-" "Come over," he cuts me off. I sigh. "Max!" I shout, "we are going to Eddie's!" I pull up my hair and put on some makeup. Max comes in my room a few minutes later. "I'm ready," she says. Max sits on my bed. "Eddie told me to have the sleepover tonight instead," I tell her while putting on mascara. "Okay," she looks down. I am so rushed for some reason. I feel the tension and it is making me uncomfortable. "Okay, let's go!" I say, keeping myself busy. Max follows me across the street. "You're over doing it," she says. The door opens. "Be careful," Eddie whispers, "he's making a full blown meal." "Hiya Ellie and Max!" Wayne shouts. Eddie let's us in. "It will be ready in just a minute," Wayne says. "Okay, and thank you so much!" I reply. "Oh please, I love cooking for people! Eddie won't let me cook for him anymore." Eddie puts his fists up like he's going to fight. Wayne puts his up. Eddie smiles and walks towards his room. I instinctively follow him. "Wow, you weren't kidding!" Max shouted, "He really did clean his room!" Eddie frowned at me. "It's called a compliment, Eddie." I teased. Eddie tackles me onto his bed. "No!" I shout. Max is wandering around the room. Eddie is tickling now. "Eddie, please!" I beg. "Only because you said please," Eddie kisses my forehead. "What are these?" Max asks, immediately catching Eddie's attention. He jumps up. Max points at a picture. "That's my girlfriend," Eddie looks at me. I have been staring at him. "And these?" Max asks again. "This whole wall is about Ellie," he admits. Max begins reading a few of them. "'She was strong and brave and broken all at once.'Anna Funder." She moves, "It's a pretty sort of aching." That stops my brain. What a beautiful sentence. It makes so much sense. "Maybe true happiness is when we are happy with ourselves." Wow. "You are enough a thousand times enough." I might start crying. "She is dangerous when she's hurt. She can easily destroy everything around her, but she doesn't. Instead, she destroys herself." That hurts me. I feel a stabbing pain in my heart. Max stops reading. There is a long pause is silence. "It's ready!" Wayne calls. We all race out of Eddie's room. We sit at the small table. "I have to leave, but you guys enjoy!" Wayne sets down eggs and bacon and waffles.
Eddie is shoveling food in his mouth. "Ellie," Max breaks the silence. "Where were you this morning?" I stop breathing. "Ellie?!" Eddie interrupts, with a mouthful of food. "I uh..." I couldn't come up with an excuse. They are staring me down. "I went on a jog," I finally said. "Ellie, you can't be out alone in the morning!" Eddie shouted. I cower, looking down. "Where did you go?" Max asks me. I don't look up, "the Byers' old house." Eddie mutters something under his breath. "Why are you so upset!" Max shouts, "if she needs to go on a run, she has the right to!" "She was RAPED, Max," Eddie shouted, "I am never going to let her go through that again!!" Eddie's voice starts to break. "It is so hard to help someone when you can't relate to their issue," Eddie adds. I don't say a word. "I know she was raped," Max sasses back, "but, she shouldn't have to be worried about going on a run! Something has to be done!" I stand up and set my plate on the counter. "Ellie you need to eat," Eddie said so softly it almost broke my heart. I don't look at either of them. "I sat on the side of the road for 30 minutes," I said, "I had a panic attack in the middle of the road. I was on the floor gasping for breath. I thought I was going to die. And I heard a car coming down the road. I hid and covered my eyes and mouth. I am terrified of cars now! I thought about asking you to pick me up from my walkie talkie...but I knew you were going to be pissed. I am not hungry, Eddie Munson. You wore me out. If you would excuse me." I leave. I run into my room.
What is the matter with me? I refused to eat. I must have broken Eddie's heart. I pack my backpack to keep me busy. My breathing quickens. "What the hell, Ellie!?" Max bursts into my room, "you made Eddie cry! He bursted into tears and ran to his room!" I did break his heart. "I don't think I have ever seen Eddie cry, especially like that!" Max went on and on. I slam my head on my book. Max takes it away. "GET OUT," I say, my teeth really gritty. Max looks shocked. I am an awful person.
Eddie carries me into the van. "Let me go!" I scream. "Ellie, one day you will thank me. But for now, get in the god damn van!" I sit in the back. Eddie sighs. Max sits in the passenger side. The whole car ride is silent. Max is the first to leave. Eddie opens the door for me. I start to leave, but he stops me. "Eddie, please let me go," I beg. "Ellie please stay," he let's go of my arm. I don't move. "I'm so sorry, I acted like a dick. I shouldn't interfere." I stare into space. Eddie touches my face. "Ellie please, you have to forgive me! I will never forgive myself for this." I look at him. "You haven't done anything!?" I whisper. "Then why are you mad at me?" He wants to cry. "What I am doing...I think it's brave. I have hid from my problems for years! I tried, and I'm instantly pushed down for it." Eddie's face twists, "I was just trying to protect you." "I know." Is all I say.
I leave. Not in anger. Not in fear. Not in anything. I leave because we have to go and I am finished with this conversation. Eddie understands. He grabs both of our backpacks, hands me mine, and places his hand around my waist. I see Robin. "Hiiiii!" she runs up to me and hugs me, "I missed you so much!" "Robin," I smile, "we literally saw each other yesterday!" "That's too long!" she whines. I kiss her cheek. Robin releases the hug. Eddie eyes me. I shove him off. "Hey man, if you got something to tell me-" Eddie teases. "Shut up Eddie!" I whine. "I'm serious!" Eddie puts his hand up in defense. "I'm not!" He stops. "Yeah yeah, say what you want." Robin laughs, "well I have to go..." "Sleepover, tonight!" I tell her. "Gotcha!" Robin 'salutes' as she walks away. Eddie kisses me again. "What was that for?" I groan. "Nothing," he pulls me into class.
Work is harder. I feel like every time you miss school, they learn a whole month's worth of work. I am so glad that I am a senior. "I am totally going to fail," Eddie groans as we walk down the hallway. "You have to graduate this year Eddie! You just have to keep trying!" I try to motivate him. "That's why I am tutoring you. I try...at least." Eddie puts his hands on my waist, "It's not my fault I can't keep my hands to myself." "Eddie," I whine. "You're so beautiful," he kisses my forehead. "Come on, Eddie." I motion him on.
After we grab our lunch, we sit at our usual table. The Hellfire table. "Welcome back!" Mike shouted. Lucas smiles. Gareth eyes Eddie, "you have a sparkle in your eye, something happened." "Oh shut up," Eddie sat down after I did. Jeff put his hands behind his head, "It is impossible not to notice." "Notice what?" I interject. "Oh come on, I can smell it!" Gareth shoots his hands up and slams them back down on the table. "Guys," Eddie tries to calm them down. "Did you even see Dio, or were you on an early honeymoon?" "Enough!" Eddie shouts, "I am done talking about this!" I am thankful. "Fine," Jeff crossed his arms. Dustin hasn't said a word. I elbow him. "You good?" He looks up. "Yeah," he pauses, "I need a word with you...in private." I nod. We get up without warning and leave. "I wonder what that was about," Lucas spats.
I pull him into an empty—and seemingly abandoned—classroom. "I really just wanted to check on you," Dustin began talking, "you look so tense, and shit yeah it's awkward talking about sex with your boyfriend's friends-" "Yeah, uhm, awkward that I would rather not talk about it with my 'boyfriend's friends'." "Right- well, Eddie is extremely 'radiant' and you seem stressed. I just wanted to talk to you. I am here for you, Ellie. I know what you're going through because Eddie vents to me, but I get that it's stressful. I want you to know that you have a plethora of friends that will fight like hell to keep you safe. We fought the demons of hell, a couple court cases and shitty townsfolk are nothing compared to what we have been through. So relax, let Eddie comfort you, let us fight for you, deal with your internal problems right now." Dustin plays with the button on his shirt. "That was a hell of a speech Dustin, you should really go into politics." I laugh. "Thank you," he curtsies, "really no autographs." "Really, I love the gesture, but I couldn't possibly shovel all that on you guys. Some of us are getting ready for college. The last thing you need are my middle-school-problems." My face twists. "I'm always here!" Dustin says, but I'm already walking out of the door.
"Hey," the table greets me oddly. I know Eddie already spilled details, and I am sick of it! I plop down in my chair and play with the gum in my mouth. "What was that all about?" Eddie whispered to me. "You know what?!" I say a bit louder than a whisper, but everyone is listening so I decide to yell, "I am sick and tired of nosy people in my personal life!" I storm out of there and back into the classroom. Dustin is still there. "What has gotten into people these days?" I groan. Dustin chuckled, "well that was fast." "I don't know, maybe I'm just embarrassed." I continue. "To be with Eddie, or having sex with him?" Dustin asks. "I am fine with having sex with him, in fact, I loved it! It's talking to other people about it is my issue!" I shout. "Well it wasn't difficult to vent about it to me," Dustin admits. "What, so you want me to say that speech to the cafeteria?" I am being difficult. "What is really bugging you, Ellie?" "I just told you, Dustin!" I purse my lips. "Ellie, I have known you since elementary school. I am not stupid. You aren't just stressed about this." Dustin reminds me. I sigh and turn my back to him. "I don't want to be guarded like a helicopter mom does. I want to be able to sneak out! I want to do stupid shit 'cause I love the adrenaline! That's what teenagers do. I don't care that there are consequences! I am past the state of being scared because I AM NUMB NOW!" I am out of breath. It felt nice to get that off my chest. "Then tell your helicopter mom that," Dustin suggests. "Dustin," I groan, spinning back around to face him, "my helicopter mom is every one of my friends!" "Not me," he smiles, "go do stupid shit! Go have fun. Get high. Have sex. Run away. Do all the shit you want to, but just promise me one thing." I nod. "Don't destroy yourself in the process." "I am already destroyed," I admit. "No," Dustin claims, "you would be dead if you were. I know you." I take a deep breath.
And the bell rings. "Thanks for the pep talk, Dustin," I pat his shoulder. "That's what I'm here for!" He smiles as I walk off. Sadly, I had to go to P.E. next, the only class I had with Jason. I got changed into the ugly P.E. uniform, and headed into the gym. Jason did not look at me, he looked excessively high. I am extremely grateful for this. I do not look at him. But everyone is watching me. I look down. What did I do? He must have told people. I want to die. The teacher announces what we are doing, but I can't focus. I hold my breath. I can only hear muttering. Awful words.
I take it back. I hate consequences. They are despicable things. I cover my stomach in retaliation. I don't want people to look at me.
I run to the bathroom, and I throw up. I hate throwing up. Since I didn't eat anything, it was acidic. I am on my knees. I roll my weight to my feet and put my hands on my head. I want to cry. To scream. To die. I am biting on the edge of my shirt. I want my helicopter mom back.
I sneak into the changing room and change back into my clothes. I grab my bag and run out of this stupid ass school. I hide in Eddie's van. He forgot to lock the doors I guess. I grab my walkman and listen to music to pass the time. I cry. And I cry and I cry. I am curled up in the back of the van, just behind the seats. I hear the bell dismiss the kids.
Eddie opens the back door to drop off his backpack. "Oh Ellie," he instantly softens, "what's the matter?" He shuts the door behind him.
I tell him everything. About me not wanting a helicopter mom. How I regret saying that. How I need him. How I don't want to need him because he doesn't deserve to always be at my demand, which he dismissed and said he would do anything for me. I tell him that I think Jason spread rumors about me. I tell him I threw up. He said it was stress. I tell him how much I want to die. He tells me how much he hates that I do. I just hug him tighter. "I know," I sniffle, "and I'm sorry." Eddie pulls me closer, but there's no space between us. "I try every day-every fucking day-to make you stay. I try to convince you that your life is...important. That living is worth it, so I let you get high as shit, and we do things that we know that would get us into so much trouble. Just so that I won't lose you." I realize that he is crying. I wipe his tears. I kiss him, once, soft but meaningfully. "Please don't leave me." Eddie begs me. I just hug him. I don't say anything. I don't promise anything.
We eventually drive home. "What channel is Dustin on?" I ask Eddie. "6 I think," he answers, "why?" "Thanks," I run into my room. "Dustin?" I ask. Silence. I repeat after a few minutes. "Yes?" he finally replies. "It's Ellie," I being to explain everything I told Eddie. "Where is my 'fought the demons of hell' group at? I need you to fight for me!" "Finally!" he groans. "I don't know what you could possibly do though-" I suggest. "I've got it, Ellie," Dustin assured me, "don't worry."
I am laying on my floor. Boredom has never been stronger. I raise my hands, looking at them in the light. "I am going to Eddie's," I think, "he always has something to do." I skip to his trailer and knock on the door."Well that didn't take long," he said as he opened the door. "So I told Dustin everything," I tell Eddie as he takes my coat off, "he said not to worry about it and that he's 'got it'. I don't know. What should I do?" Eddie's hands are on my waist, but he's looking in my eyes. "I think you should not worry about it," Eddie laughs kisses my neck, "let me entertain you." I tilt my neck to the side. Eddie shifts back and looks at me. "Are you hungry?" "N-" "Yes, you are. You didn't eat anything today, and you threw up." Eddie walks into the kitchen. "We have a lot, but hitting the jackpot depends on what whether or not I can cook it." I stand on the other side of the counter. "What do you want?" Eddie asks. "Ooh! Do you have biscuit mix?" I asked. "Actually, I think we do-" "YES!" I jump up and down grabbing a pot and putting water in it. "No," Eddie takes the stuff out of my hands, "I wanna make it." I frown, and pull up a chair to the counter. "Okay, first, what am I making?" Eddie asks me. "Chicken and dumplings," I announce, "although... without the chicken." "Yeah, we don't have any chicken on hand," Eddie starts washing his hands, "tell me the steps." "Okay, fill that bowl up a little more with water, and put it on the stove. Let it cook until it boils." "How do I know when it's boiling?" Eddie turns the stove on. I realize that Eddie probably has never cooked a day in his life. "Little air bubble come up, and then big ones. That's when it's boiling." I teach him. Eddie follows my instructions. "Okay, now there should be directions on the box for the batter," I tell him. "Yep," he read it slowly to himself. "Follow the first few steps." Eddie begins making his first meal ever. There is flour everywhere, I have no clue how. Eddie burnt one because he dropped one outside of the pot.
"Okay," I say reaching for his spatula, "let me taste it!" "No!" he pulls it away. "I need to know if it's fully cooked or not!" "I will do it!" "Eddie!" "Please," he gives me freaking puppy dog eyes, "just teach me." "Okay, okay," I give in, "if it is overcooked, it will probably taste a little funky and will be gummy. Undercooked will be very doughy and kind of sticky." Eddie took a nibble out of one he just took out and immediately spit it out. "Very undercooked!" he shouts. "Eddie?" I lean over the counter, "you put the heat on low. I told you to put it higher, no wonder why it took forever for it to boil!" "My bad!" he shouts from the other side of the room.
Eddie eventually gives me my dumplings. They weren't the best, but they were delicious. "Thank you, Eddie," I shovel one in my mouth. "You're welcome your majesty." The phone rings, and Eddie picks it up. "Hello?" he says. I wait for his reply. "Yes...oh okay. No, we are busy, but I will pass it by- yes, I promise by tomorrow. Let me know what ends up happening." Eddie hangs up. He puts his elbows on the counter, his chin in his hands. I reach out my hands, touching his cheek with my nail. "Well?" I ask him, quite intrigued. "It was Dustin," he paused for a long time, "they want to handle this physically." "Oh," I think for a very long time, "is this the right thing to do?" "Ellie," he leans closer, "this guy literally raped you. He did it without consent! And, even if you did consent to it, he tried to RUN YOU OVER WITH A CAR!" I actually started laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. "What's so funny?" He was confused, but he smiled. I guess he realized I'm finally handling it well. "I almost got run over by a car." I kept laughing. "That's what I just said," he looks up as his mouth formed a line. "I mean, isn't that stupid!"
"But you could've died!" "I didn't." "I didn't say you did." "I know." "Ellie." "Yes?" Eddie looks down. I stand up and walk into his room. Eddie follows me. "Where are you going?" I turn around and kiss him. This definitely was not a good time. I just need to.
I wrap my hands around his shoulders, his are wrapped tightly around my waist. Eddie is pulling my closer, making me arch my back. I intertwine my fingers in his hair. Everything I was thinking about, worrying about everything is gone. Every thought has melted away. I pull myself away, out of his grip, and I sit him on the bed. I sit on his lap, and he pulls me closer. Eddie's hands are on my butt. Shocking. My hands touch his chin as I kiss him again and again. Eddie leans back and I lean forwards on top of him. I kiss his neck, then pull off his shirt. I pushed my body closer to his. Eddie is pulling at my clothes and I can't resist. But I decided to go slow. I kiss his chest. Eddie tries to sit up, but I push him down abruptly. "You're a tease," Eddie whines. "This is going to be a long night," I tell him. "I have no intentions of shortening it," He kisses me again. I have so much love for this man.
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I'm kinda bored. I have a week (in the story) until major plot points happen. MERRY CHRISTMAS (finished on christmas eve) or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate.