Owning up
Madison rolled in around 10am. She looked on top of the world as she came in and found me burying my pain in a pint of ice cream. She laid down beside me, "Hey baby, what's wrong? Why are you up?"
"Just normal angst." I said, unwilling to concede my real problem.
"You have to stop moping so damn much. You're getting better daily. You've got a nice free ride here with me, and best of all?" She poked me. "You have a super-hot dude wrapped around your finger." She laughed, waving her pinky in the air. "Speaking of that, where's Drew?"
I chuckled pitifully. "He quit."
She stopped poking me now; her face turning down. "Oh fuck, Kavi, are you serious?"
Not willing to talk about, I shut down, "It's okay, the agency is assigning me a new therapist Monday."
She sat up, laying her head on my lap. "I just don't get it Kavi, he's been in love with you for the longest time." Again, I didn't respond, but she didn't care. She kept talking. "Did you talk to him? Did he tell you why?" I rolled my eyes, stuffing another spoon in my mouth. I shook my head. "What the fuck? Why the hell not? I think he owes you some explanation! I mean, he's the one always flirting with you and spending his free time with you—it's--"
Getting frustrated, I snapped, "He was just too nice, Madison! He was taking pity on me. He claimed I was 'more to him than a paycheck' but bailed on me."
She sat up. "I don't buy that. I saw the way he looked at you…"
"You're just a hopeless romantic, Madison. Reality is, how could anyone want someone like me? Look at me, I'm broken!" I stopped, choking down a sob. "He's a good guy and he can have anyone he wants. He doesn't want to try to scrape me from the floor."
"Oh, fuck that! Babe, you are fucking hot! And you're not broken, and I refuse to think he's that kind of guy. I think," she stood up, putting her hands on her hips, "he is tired of waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and make a move. He's like so…"
"Why don't you date him if you think he's so great…" I screamed at her, venom in my words.
She flipped her hair back. "If," she started, "he would give me the time of day, I would climb him like the mountainous man he is…" She made cat claws in the air, laughing. "But unfortunately, he is not interested, already tried."
"Oh, ew Madison! You hit on him?"
"Yes," she bragged, "gave it my best shot, but he didn't bite."
I found myself cringing, that pang of jealousy shooting through me. "Well, I guess that's a good sign." My confusion obvious.
She stuck her tongue out at me, "He has been at your side for months now, and I can see how close you guys are, I just find hard to believe he only thinks of you as a meal ticket… Or a charity case. Damn, didn't he try to kiss you once?"
I rolled my eyes. "He was just playing, trying to rile me up."
She sat back down now. "Bullshit. He played it off since you didn't bite. I can tell you, in my professional opinion, he was giving you an opening to make a move. Hell, he calls you pet names, watches all those nerd movies with you, and cooks for you. Come on, Kavi, you have to fix this. Drew is too good of a guy to just let go." She begged, grabbing my hands. "I would kill for a guy to be like that with me. And even if you don't want to admit it, you like him too."
"Fuck that. Do you see me? He deserves someone who can really be with him." I echoed the self-doubt; choosing to ignore her implication.
"Did you even tell Drew what happened?" She asked somberly.
"He has my medical records. I am sure he knows." I said, defeated.
She shook my hand. "It's not the same Kavi, he needs to understand what it did to you? Like, why it's been so hard for you to open up to the idea of a relationship with him?"
"I like the idea. It's just the practice that gets in the way."
"Just fucking text him, ask him to come over, and see if it's any different. The worst outcome? He confirms your worst fears. Best outcome?" she leaned into me. "He confesses his undying love for you and you guys spend the weekend working on your cardio." She smiled, biting her tongue, dancing a little.
"Oh god, why is sex your first thought?" I sighed.
"I love sex babe, you would too if you gave it try." She wiggled her eyebrows.
"I have been here for 6 months, and I've never seen you with a single guy. So maybe you should go message someone for some dick."
She laughed, really hard. "I have plenty of sex. I have the taste to not bring them here." I tossed the empty container at her. She deflected it. "Just fucking message him! Don't be stubborn on this one Kavi, you're going to lose him and you're going to regret it."
She sat for just another moment, then made her way to her room, slamming the door. I knew what she was saying was true, but it didn't make it any easier. It still hurt, the way he callously talked about 'financial stability' and just walked out. How is that supposed to be a guy I can trust? How can I even face him again?
I contemplated a while, typing and erasing a million different messages, trying to find the right words that didn't make me sound pathetic. About an hour went by, I still couldn't find the courage to hit sent, when a message chime startled me. It was Drew.
"I am going to throw you a lifeline, since I've seen the typing bubble for the last hour. What's up?"
My heart thumped hard as I typed, "Why were you watching the chat?"
A few moments, another ding, "I'm smart enough to write my messages on my notepad before I send them, so you can't see me typing."
I wanted to chuckle, but it still hurt. I had to pretend I wasn't upset. "Sorry, I missed a decade of technological advances. That wasn't a thing."
The ding took longer this time. I had almost given up that he was going to respond. "Listen, I think we need to talk. I hate how I left things."
My hands shook as I typed, "Don't go out of your way to make me feel better about it. If that's what you want to happen, then it is what it is."
This time, the chime never came. I waited, my hands shaking, tears pouring down my face. I knew, in that moment, that he really didn't want me. He was just a nice man. After 20 minutes, I sat the phone down and gave into the sobs. I managed to move to my bedroom, burying myself in the blankets so at least I could hide my shame.